I have a very awkward and difficult situation right now and I hope someone can help me find solutions. My husband never told me that when his parents visit us in Europe it means they will be staying for the whole 5-6 months. I am very disappointed and so I suggested an alternative solution that they could stay up to 2 months only. He is not happy and said that I want to kick his family out.
The problem with my in-laws being here is my brother and sister-in-law also come here every day for food. I have lost my privacy, but I cannot complain, the house was bought by my husband alone from his parents. I'm not hating them, but it's too much when my brother and sister-in-law come to visit everyday. It is especially difficult because my sister-in-law is pregnant and I really want to be pregnant, but it still is not happening. I'm very happy for her being pregnant, but the constant visit daily is making me feel lost in my place. I'm very scared if the baby is born then they will keep coming with the baby, I think I will go crazy.
I really need help on what should I do? Am I being too unkind? I am not jealous I just find it too much and have lost my privacy. This is making me feel that my husband only wants to give comfort to his family, but ignore my need for comfort. I hope someone could reply me.
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Have you talked to him, expressing all that you just have with us? You are very well spoken about how you feel on all aspects. I can't imagine your husband would ever say you're wrong for feeling any certain way. Privacy is very important to each of us AND important to have a healthy marriage.
I have talked to him and he knows my problem. I don't want to force him or do things recklessly because I know he loves his parents and family. Thats why I am suffering alone. I love his family too, I respect them they are nice people.
I understand how you feel. Perhaps you can come to a happy medium? Maybe you and your husband can discuss shorter stays, et cetera? Find something in the middle. I hate that you say you're suffering and I'm sure that means he must REALLY hate it, seeing as how I am just a stranger.
I do not believe your husband will look at this in the same light as a stranger who reads or listens to your story/problem. You do not state your or your husband's nationality but it really sounds like you have different family backgrounds and because of just this difference this will not be an easily solved problem.
I do not know your in-laws ages but apparently they are seniors and retired? Good health? You say "visit us in Europe" seems to mean they have a home some distance away? But your brother and sister-in-law must live nearby as they visit every day? Have you had your home to yourself for any time since you have been married or did this happen soon after your wedding? Is there a reason why the parents visit is only to your house and not equally to the brother and his wife? From your statement, it seems this may not be a new happening with your husband and his parents have always paid visits like this in the past? I do not think your husband was being unthoughtful when he failed to inform you of the length of his parent's visits but to him it was like a yearly thing and saw no reason why anyone would have reason to object.
I also believe the stress this is causing you may be a good reason why you are not getting pregnant or at least one of the reasons. Do you feel comfortable with your husband in your "private" time? Do you actually have time that you two just spend together with no in-laws around? I feel sure your husband works so do you have any private time (just to yourself) when he is at work? Or are you constantly doing "things" (cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.) to make everyone else comfortable?
Truthfully, you and your husband need to see a counselor who specializes in marriage/family matters as you are standing alone in this household and there is no one who will understand why you are not happy with this family situation, least of all your husband.
Now, I know there will be responders who will disagree with my solution but I believe your husband's family background is such that all of this is a normal happening and he loves it and cannot understand why you do not also. You need to try for counseling to either help find a solution that you and your husband can live with or find a way for you to accept the fact that this is going to be your way of life as long as you are in this family - period.
I agree. I am of mixed cultures and my husband is straight up English and we have different family values. I would totally move my parents into our home in a heartbeat and that's super normal to me... not so much for him. Great feedback and help, Betty.
We both are from Asia but different nationality, I understand most Asian culture they stay together after marriage with the in laws, I might consider it okay and I know it's difficult but I can handle it and get along well, my main issue is I want the in laws to stop inviting my brother and sister in law coming anytime or everyday because this is not their house anymore (The house we live in used to belong to the In laws and my husband bougth it, my in laws retired and moved back to their country in Asia and my brother in law married and moved out with his wife) so only during their visit for that long period of time I just hope everybody understand that it is not the house they used to lived in before, especially to my brother in law I hope he understand privacy but no.
Brother in law's house is smaller than ours and that is the reason why my in laws stays with us only, even though there's another vacant room in his house but they still consider it small.
And yes I'm very aware of my stress causing me not getting pregnant and that's add another stress to it. But it's getting better now, my husband listen to me just listen to my concern and disagrement and I hope things will get better. We will try to solve it ourselves at this moment. But thank you so much for the reply, it's very helpful.
There is always two sides of the story but surely you should speak to your husband and tell him your thoughts. See if you two can come up with a reasonable compromise to make each other happy.
From my personal view point, family is very important. Since you mention your in laws are visiting and its the whole 5-6 months they will be staying with you - does that mean they do not visit often? Is this a yearly visit? Sounds like this is just random and perhaps the first time being this long that's why your husband did not consult with you the long stay?
I do not see what difference does your in laws visiting / staying everyday for 5-6 months compared to your brother and sister in law visiting on a daily basis to eat.
It seems like a double standard on your family can visit on a daily basis but his parents' who are growing older cannot stay for the 5-6 visit. It may not be healthy for your brother and sister in law to visit you daily too. And, how does your husband feel about that too?
I hope you happiness and have less stress on yourself so you can become pregnant.
I love my husband's family, my family are in my country and they will never visit me here in Europe. I believe family are important but I also want privacy, for my brother in law and his wife who always visit everyday just because the in laws are here. It is not parents in laws house so they should at least think about it.
With my in laws staying for half a year it is already difficult but I can manage and handle that. But when my brother in law and his wife visit just only for food and being lazy on the sofa the whole day and talking and don't do the dishes or help with cooking is very annoying.
Thank you for the reply and for wishing me become better. It is very helpful to pour out my concern here. I'm feeling so much better now, my husband also help me a lot.
this really to me sounds like a very big clash in regards to culture and psychological paradigms. He just cannot UNDERSTAND that someone needs or wants to be alone, possibly he sees your need for privacy as some sort of weird fetish or personality flaw, just like you see his or his family's clannish need for togetherness as unnerving and 'too much'.
I will remind you that in many cultures around the world families DO live together inter-generationally, and in fact people singly or in mere couples is seen as a weird unhealthy aberration. Not to say that you ARE incorrect in fact i am more re you re privacy but just so you understand why at times others feel it is perfectly normal to have inlaws of all sorts in the house at all times. I have in fact experienced this abroad
unfortunately i don't see a big solution here for you. Either you come to terms with it or you move out. There's too many of them, and only one of you. Maybe just change your perspective a bit and learn something.
in fact, i think you are ENTITLED to talk to your sister in law about the baby, point blank tell her ' i want a baby and seeing you like this makes me unhappy' maybe even ask her advice or something
in general ask ppl to do things. Say 'if y'all here eating my food y'all need to clean up or take out the trash' or whatever it is.
if people are imposing their lives on YOU you have every right to impose on them. It might turn a bad situation into a good one
Thank you for the reply. It's very helpful. Although it is not as easy as how we imagine it. Things are somehow getting better. I have accepted my in laws staying with me half a year. I have so many plans such as redecorating the living room to my taste. Involved in cooking with her, and I sometimes come up with a menu I like. Mother in law think she is the best house wife or cook in the family because she used to run a restaurant here until she retired.
My main concern is my brother and sister in law, I might sounds very judgmental but his wife is too young to understand some adult sensitiveness and they keep coming unannounced just because the in laws are here. So I just have to understand her I think I don't want to create uneasiness since I am the new one here.
It feels so good to be able to just released my feelings in writing. It feels load of burden become less!
Just tell him it is either you or his family and lf he is chooses his family over you, then you should move on. You deserve a stress free life where you should be the centre of your mans world. Just because your husband owned his home before he married you, does not mean that you married his family. I am only speaking this way because I have lived your experience. And the most stressful time for me was when my in-laws thought that they owned my children. Don't do it to yourself, it must be you or them.
This is hard to remedy. I suggest a compromise. They can come 2-3 days a week. You deserve privacy
It is very reassuring that you say your husband is listening to you because that is always best and will most hopefully get even better as time goes on. I do not believe he really knows what kind of burden your brother and sister-in-law are putting on you.
I can see how much you care for your new family and being able to not mind having your mother and father-in-law stay for such long visits is commendable as I do not believe very many of the people reading this posting have any idea (and could probably not even - ever - consider it in their own lives - not all readers but many) what kind of life you have and then add another part of the family - every day - almost unthinkable.
It is very evident that ThriftyFun readers have caring hearts and send you well wishes and many hopes for a happy future and hopes for a new member on the way soon.
This is an uneasy situation to have to deal with. I hope you and your husband can come up with a resolution. Maybe 3 month stay would be best for all parties.
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