Dealing With An Abusive Husband

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RE: Dealing With An Abusive Husband

Cindy if you do divorce your disabled husband and he is getting a good sized disability check, he might be able to go after you for support, but that doesn't mean a judge will grant it. Myself, as long as he can live off what he draws in disability I don't know how he could get support from you. I know many people on disability who are able to work part time jobs. At my local WalMart there are a couple people in wheel chairs that do greeting. I also know many people on disability who manage to live decently off $600-700 a month disability checks. They get food stamps and housing assistance, but sometimes that is a necessity.

Post by redhatterb

RE: Dealing With An Abusive Husband

Hi I have been reading all the comments regarding abusive husbands, I too am living in with an abusive husband who consumes his life with drink and alcohol, he blames me for everything that is wrong in his life, he drinks and drives, has no regard for anyone, drinks to the point of no return, I can relate to all the women out there who want to leave but cant for various reasons, I get all the verbal abuse he tells me that he is going to kill himself and everyone will blame me, calls me all the time on my cell phone on the weekends and calls me abusive names, and he says if I just do what I'm told he will be happy till the next time and there always a next time, I don't go out with my friends I stay home with the kids all of the time.

I have just started talking to the domestic violence centre and they have been great support. I am hoping that by Christmas. I will be living on my own with my children. Every day I keep telling my self that he is not my problem, and that I have to keep my self strong enough to leave, if I don't to it now I never will.

Post by ngati20

Abusiveness

I know what it is like to live with an abuser. I am in a very similar situation. The verbal abuse continues day in and day out and if I had the financial means, I would be gone. I am now working on getting to that point and hope that in my future, I will be buying my own home. No one deserves to be involved with men that take all their frustrations out on their wives or girlfriends. It begins as verbal and then usually becomes physical. They are good at acting like good boys in front of others and they are manipulative and act really caring to others, more so than to their wives or girlfriends. Sometimes to leave is just the answer and it's the best thing to do.

Post By Sherrie (Guest Post)

RE: Dealing With An Abusive Husband

I can relate to a lot of these stories. I'm just barley 19 and I am married. I have been dating my husband since I was 12 and we never stopped loving each other. Just recently we were married and then everything changed, from his attitude to his diet. At first I though it was because of his work (the reason we were fighting so much). But it turned from anything that I had to say to the food I would cook. He keeps me in the house and I cannot go anywhere. He won't take me to get my drivers license and he wont let me get a job. At first he told me that he didn't want me to go anywhere because he wanted to be the one to take me where ever I went. I used to think that it was cute, but all that changed. The next thing I know he was putting cameras outside my house and he is bolting a gate so that I cant leave.

I was forced to believe that it was for my protection. It was a trick for me to be a prisoner. He barely let me have a cell phone. I cant leave because I don't have any family that will take me in. My husband started to yell at me a lot and he started to be very controlling. I was so stupid to leave my home for him, but it was like he brain washed me. He is the only man I know. My husband has physically abused me about 3 months after we moved in together.

I'm very afraid of him most days.. Most of the time I try to explain to him my feelings, but that is just like talking to a dog about not shedding their hair. It's basically pointless.

Post By dalilah (Guest Post)

RE: Dealing With An Abusive Husband

I have lived in a abused relationship for over 38 years, I had lots of reason not to leave as everyone has. But my situation is a little different my husband is also disable, not to the point he can not take care of himself just enough were he can hold a job. He is very verbal abusive and now sometime physical, breaking things threatening to kill. The same routine and now it is starting to spread to our granddaughter who lives with us.

My home is mine and he sign his right away from my home when I purchased it. My problem, besides the abuse, is when I go to see a lawyer about a divorce, when I mention he is disabled a red flag goes up. No matter how abusive he is, his being disable allows him to go after me for support, even though he does get a large social security check each month.

I work two jobs just to make ends meet, I am so tired of being abused and then hearing how people who want to divorce a disable person is bad. Those people have no idea how it is to live with a person who uses his disability to his advantage, and is mentally and physically abusive.

Post By Cindy (Guest Post)

RE: Dealing With An Abusive Husband

Everything you said in your post sounds so similar to my aunt's situation. I just need something positive to help my aunt. Right now she is trapped in her marriage. This is her second marriage. He is very verbally abusive and at times has been physically abusive. She has caught him in the act of having sex with someone else. He drinks heavily and also is addicated to cocaine. He has threatened her numerous times and she is very frightened. He told her that he wasn't leaving and that he would kill her if she left. On top of everything, he doesn't work anywhere, but constantly begs and even takes money from her. She has custody of her 13 year old granddaughter, so this plays a role in her choices as well. So far he isn't a threat to the granddaughter, but no one knows if or even when that would change. He has told her that he knows that the police won't do anything unless he hits her. She is terrified and feels trapped in her own house. It is her house from her first marriage. Please advise a possible way out of this without it ending in death. I am begging for my aunt.

Post By Worried About My Aunt (Guest Post)

RE: Dealing With An Abusive Husband

I am now dealing with a husband that goes to his "man place" the garage to drink. He is my second husband and because of his drinking my 16 year old daughter no longer lives with me. She couldn't take it anymore and left to live with her dad. I understand now how people say they hate their husbands but they also still love them. I also have a 5 year old son that hears all the screaming his parents do. I try to not to engage in his arguments but sometimes its hard. But I can tell you bucking him is just going to make it worse. It's not that you are giving in and being submissive it's like the saying "pick your battles". This is one battle that you can't win. He will always be right no matter what you say or do. Men who drink feel this power inside them, they think they rule the world and everyone in it. I also understand the thinking about leaving but don't have the money. Just know you are not alone, there are many of us out there facing the same problems, some worse then others. God Bless and be strong for you and your child.

Post By melissa (Guest Post)

RE: Dealing With An Abusive Husband

Get out. Hurt, hurt, hurt. It just never stops. And then he will blame you for causing the abuse. He will try to silence you, by putting you so down, you cant get up. WIDEN "YOUR VISION. He has made your vision narrow. There are millions of people in the world. He is not god. There are so many other options and so many other people that will help you feel good about yourself.

Post By Sheela (Guest Post)

RE: Dealing With An Abusive Husband

Please be sensitive with your responses. Many victims do not have family or friends to rely on as a support system during these situations.

Post By Nina (Guest Post)

RE: Dealing With An Abusive Husband

Get out now! Abuse only escalates. Buy the book by Patricia Evans "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and "CoDependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Go to 12 Step meetings like Alanon or other support groups. You have no children so don't let lack of money or education be your excuse to escaping when now - the longer you wait the harder, in my opinion. GOOD LUCK and don't engage in the fights - for goodness sake! Who cares about "winning" an argument.

Post By Julie (Guest Post)

RE: Dealing With An Abusive Husband

I am a social worker and also found myself in the same situation. It took me years of preparing to leave, from working in a casual sw job to permanent employment. It took nine years! At long last, now we have peace in the home and we live without fear. At the time of the divorce, one of my adult children was diagnosed with an incurable disease, which was a terrible shock. I also believed that I would not be able to make ends meet. However, I read a lot on single parenting and budgeting and we live better than before the divorce. My ill child is permanently employed, has bought her own place, which was more than we ever expected, the second adult child is studying part-time (sw!) and works fulltime and the youngest one is fulltime at university.
Maybe you could consider giving your husband an ultimatum: if he does not stop the abusive behaviour and undergo treatment within 3 or 6 months' time, you will leave. Then do it! When you do leave, remember the following:
@ Stick to your routine
@ Pray
@ Eat
@ Sleep
Good luck!
From someone who knows!

Post By Anonymous (Guest Post)

RE: Dealing With An Abusive Husband

I have been through this situation through the child's eyes....GET OUT NOW!!!! Just because he drinks beer and hasn't striked you yet doesn't mean it is not abuse and will never happen! You are blessed that it is just you to financially support, so it can be done, and with your degree in hand, you can hopefully get a job soon, if not now. Alot of employers do not mind the degree pending status. THis may be too late for the original poster (I pray your life is out of that mess!) but for anyone afraid with kids. PLEASE DON"T STAY IN THAT SITUATION! My mother and four kids (ages 2-16) left cross country to get away from that, and even though we didn't have much money, the freedom to express your feelings and not live in fear/doubt is much more valuable to life than extra income. There are many services and family friends willing to help, just let them know! That is the first step, to stop making excuses and do something. You can't (and never) change him/her, but you always have the choice to stay with the destructive behavior, or teach yourself/kids a better, healthier life. And for those with kids, please remember that if you stay in that relationship with young kids, those kids when older may be more attracted to that kind of relationship (trying to fix them, or just feel comfortable because it is familiar to them.) Children are taught by example, and as parents we need to ensure proper example, or nip it!

Post by camo_angels

RE: Dealing With An Abusive Husband

My ex-husband was the same way. People would tell me he can't be an alcoholic because he only drinks beer. He would literally go through a 12-pack in one evening. The more he drank, the more he became convinced that other people, especially me, were jerks and had done him wrong. He lost jobs, was deep in debt, but nothing changed. The best thing I ever did was divorce him. Yes, I took some heat from people who didn't believe he had a problem- including him. Once he was gone it was like a clean wind blowing through my home. I found I could deal with whatever life threw at me much better without him.

Post By Enter your name. (Guest Post)

RE: Dealing With An Abusive Husband

Since it is only you, one year of college left, no kids, the colleges always need dorm monitors - free room, board, and tuition.
The fighting -- his drinking is a life style pattern. Hard to break. My dad came and got me. My college age kids thought it was OK for husband who alsways was quoting "he loved me but did not LIKE me" generated fights etc. He lost his 2 separate $100,000 jobs due to blood drug testing and no prescriptions for the drugs in his system.

He was never able to replace his professional jobs,
Very difficult to live with him and no jobs. drugs--

That FEAR of the next thing is very difficult to see.

You get isolated from your family - hard to reach out to others. Cannot make this change by yourself. You have to have someone to lean on during the MOVE>

The most difficult thing I ever did was to walk out of that home I had build, lost my kids, pride, and forced to start over. I was forced out of my home in the end - would have been better if I had walked out. You see I am legally handicapped.

My Dad came back and saved ME. 7 years later I see I have saved my son, My x-husband finally got him major medical help - my daughter is
doing little better still does not see dad's drug problem. takes time maybe years. I started my own business, have new friends, not much with old family - my brother and my family are close now.""

Post By Wife of drug abusive x-husband and made IT out alive (Guest Post)

RE: Dealing With An Abusive Husband

Check with your local police department or ADT Security Services Sales Office about the A.W.A.R.E. Program. This program provides free equipment and monitoring for women in abusive relationships to get help silently, safely, and fast. My understanding is that it has helped save 38 lives so far. I do not know the specifics of the program, or what is required to be eligible. You can try calling ADT at 1-800-238-2727 for more info or visit http://www.adt.com and your local police/sheriffs department. Good luck and be careful. :)

Post by kidseatfree

RE: Dealing With An Abusive Husband

Go to Al-Anon. They can help you to understand it is not the alcoholic's drinking, it is your reaction to it. You can stay in the situation and still be happy. I learned to never argue with a drunk person and that will work. It is all about choices. He can choose to drink or not drink and you can choose to react or not react to him. You can also choose to live with him or move out. It all depends on what you want for you and your child.

Post By Barb (Guest Post)

RE: Dealing With An Abusive Husband

The DEAR ABBY remark bothered me. You know sometimes when we have problems we vent them to whoever we can if they seem to be concerned about the problems of others. I think Thrifty Fun readers are wonderful, caring people who not only share ways to make living easier but who share life experiences so that others can benefit from our mistakes along the way. There are a lot of listening ears here, and a lot of prayers going up in the reader's behalf.I hope you always keep the lines of communication opened to your readers life problems.

Post By Sharon,Ky (Guest Post)

RE: Dealing With An Abusive Husband

Do not take abuse, get out as quickly and safely as you can. Abuse will not go away. It just gets worse with time. Get all your important papers together and put them in a safety deposit box or with a trusted friend or relative. This should include your birth certificate, some cash if possible, credit cards, passport, marriage liscence, social security card, and anything that is precious to you (photos, etc,). Possessions can be replaced but you can't. Verbal abuse leads to physical abuse very suddenly, and verbal abuse is abuse. Go to a shelter for battered women and they will provide a safe place to stay, counseling, legal help, and will help you to locate financial help when needed. You are not alone and there is help if you reach out for it. My daughter did and she has regained her self respedt, dignity, and survived well with counseling and God's help.

Post By Martha (Guest Post)

RE: Dealing With An Abusive Husband

Hi honey. First off you should be very proud that you are educating yourself and preparing for financial indepence, regardless of the circumstances. However a couple of things come to mind, and I am by no means trying to desparage, only to understand. You say you've been married 17 years. Is this behavior of his new? Did something happen that triggered his self-destructive behavior? Running out on a marriage is the last thing tha should be done unless physical or sexual abuse is taking place. Maybe he's crying out for help. To many people run when the going gets tough, but we all committed to "for better or worse". He may be pushing you hoping you'll back him into a corner and force him to help himself because he feels to weak to do it alone. Second, if he is actually abusive, do NOT stay one more second. Every moment you stay you teach your daughter it's okay to be treated in this fashion by a husband and she is more likely to repeat the pattern as an adult. Call a shelter, the local batered women's home, anyone who will have you. Possessions can be replaced, your life and that of your daughter's can not. Good luck to you and think hard about what you choose to do. Perhaps leaving for a while and showing him your serious would be enough to provide him with the motivation he needs to get well. Bless you and yours. Take care.

Post By Suzanne S. (Guest Post)

RE: Dealing With An Abusive Husband

Hi Leconte,

I have also been through a similar situation, and have a sister who calls on occasion to tell her own horrorific situation. This is more common than you may realize. So far all suggestions are excellent. LEAVING IS SCARY!
1. Pray, and trust God, your father to take care of you.
2. Go to Alanon meetings, a good way to develop a support system, learn some tools to deal with this situation, and it's free.
3. Form a plan and stick to it as much as possible. Revise it if you have to, but have a game plan. Setting goals and time limits will help to ensure success. Contact social service organizations listed in the phone book, set up times to meet with them and follow through with appointments. Catholic Charities has counselors and assistance programs and you don't have to be Catholic to get their help.
4. Believe in yourself!

God will bless you...
Lee

Post By Lee (Guest Post)

RE: Dealing With An Abusive Husband

First the person who suggested you should back down is not helpful that would be submission who wants that?
Please do this safely!!! Do not let him know you are thinking or planning on leaving as women trying to leave an abuser are in great DANGER. Do not idly
threaten to leave either, just do it quickly if needed call police calmly when you are safe and ask for help leaving safely.
Many men/women feel threatened when one partner seeks to educate or lose weight just better themselves they feel they are losing you...
So if you know what to do DO IT do not let $$ stand in your way, oh and you would be using him too then wouldn't you? You can do it on your own.
Oh and advice is cheap and easy do what makes you feel safe and better about yourself.Prayer helps and may help you feel stronger on your own.
Life is too short to live half a life.
God Bless.
Meoow

Post by meoowmom

RE: Dealing With An Abusive Husband

Rather than "thrifty fun" I think Ann Landers, Dear Abby or a clergyman might be of help. I don`t feel your situation is anything "fun" I do hope you can find help to resolve this situation. Sounds like the feedback thus far has some good ideas. Good luck.

Post By mairmie (Guest Post)

RE: Dealing With An Abusive Husband

I think your problem mainly lies in the statement you made: he knows that I will not back down from a fight. Why won't you back down? Do you enjoy making him angry? I think you need help, too.

Post by tedsmom

RE: Dealing With An Abusive Husband

There are safe houses for women and children in your situation. They are very clean and you will be with other women in your situation. They will help you out till you get on your feet. Speak to your local church minister. Please don't wait! Seek help immediatley.

Post by Mrs. Clean

RE: Dealing With An Abusive Husband

GET OUT! Abuse doesn't stop-it only gets worse the longer it goes on. Contact a domestic violence shelter, and they will help you make an escape plan. It is the first step you can take in reclaiming your life. It really will be the first day of the rest of your life. You will feel empowered and begin to stand up for yourself. No one deserves or should tolerate abuse for even a minute, and the damage to your self -esteem and to your daughter, too, when she sees what you are allowing to happen to you can be irreparable.

Post By Linda (Guest Post)

RE: Dealing With An Abusive Husband

Hi Leconte, I think your best bet is to leave and trust God to make a way for you. The problem with alcoholism is the fact that you never know what, and when, it is going to escalate to an outrageous situation. You have taken so much responsibility for the atmosphere in your home, but it's not your fault. When someone is abusive and uncaring you have the right to be angry. You're intelligent and you've got a great life ahead- get rid of him and start living! Everything that the ladies said to you is accurate- only God can mend your broken heart and make you new. Trust me- He did it for me!

Post By Yoshua (Guest Post)

RE: Dealing With An Abusive Husband

1. Pray to God.
2. Tell God you love Him.
3. Ask God for help.
4. Get out.
He isn't going to change for you or anyone else. He has to want to change for himself. Only God can change him.
If you have anyone at all in your family that you can stay with until you graduate, get out now. You can give them some board money out of your savings. Waiting only prolongs the agony and shortens your lifetime. GET OUT. He could turn on you quickly and become violent immediately.
At 44 years of age I left. My daughter and I ran for our lives. We went on welfare until we got full child and spousal support. Ten years later, I am happy as a lark, free of an immature, abusive man. We had to give up everything we had but God gave it back to us tenfold. Life is so peaceful now!

Post By Been there done that got the tshirt (Guest Post)

RE: Dealing With An Abusive Husband

Dear Leconte,You made a statement at the beginning of your post which tells me you HAVE CONVINCED yourself that you can't afford to make it on your.I am a single mother of THREE and TRUST ME mine are grown now but with GOD'S HELP we made it--without the help of any abusive man.No,it hasn't been a bed of roses,but it CAN BE DONE. You seem to have your act together-- you're concentrating on the future but has it occoured to you that one bad fight could end it all for you? The first thing I would suggest if you're determined to stay in this is to get help with his drinking problem. Get down to the source of WHY he does this. Is he picking arguments because he is feeling jealous of your accomplishments or feeling shafted because he's not getting attention because you devote time to studies? Or is he just a jerk who gets a beer in his belly and has to start something? I'm certainly no Counselor , and ONLY YOU know the answer to these questions. THINK ABOUT IT and weigh out the situation. There are options if you want out while you can. Plenty of Government agencies will help you finish school and help you find housing. BUT the choice is ENTIRELY YOURS! There is no SECURITY in an abusive relationship. Don't convince yourself that there is. OPEN YOUR MIND to the situation you're living in, and just like you DETERMINED you would get through school now DETERMINE in your mind that you will take whatever steps are necessary to either heal a bad marriage or get out. As I said earlier, one bad fight could end everything for you, if Fear doesn't force you to make a decision , seems to me you'll stay for the long haul. ITS YOUR DECISION!! I'll be thinking of you and praying for you. One last but certainly MOST IMPORTANT is find a good church and pray for God's will in this situation.Matthew 5:44 says ..pray for those who persecute you." We serve a God whose love is stronger that of any Man. Good luck and God Bless You!!

Post By Sharon,KY (Guest Post)

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