When living with a partner it is important to have a clear understanding of how the household costs are divided. This guide is about sharing living expenses with boyfriend.
Here are questions related to Sharing Living Expenses With a Boyfriend or Girlfriend.
My boyfriend of three years moved in with me a little over a year ago due to loss of a job in his city and him finding one in mine. I have two daughters that are 18 and 21 and still live with me. He buys groceries from week to week and spends about $300 - $400 a month but has not offered to pay any rent or utilities.
How should I approach him to share in these expenses too as he is living with us full time? The house is only in my name. Thanks.
By Robin from New Orleans, LA
By cdoss 04/05/2010
Talking money is tough. It's one of the hardest things on any relationship. Tell him you'd like to set aside some time for the two of you to discuss finances. Agree on a time when both of you will be fairly relaxed and not running late to some other appointment. Then, just tell him how you feel. Literally say "I feel... " Avoid saying things like "you never..." or "you always..."
If you have a good relationship and he's a good man, using kind, not accusing wording you should be able to work out a more fair arrangement. Saying something like "I really appreciate your buying groceries. It helps a lot. But I feel that we're not splitting our overall living expenses in a fair way and want to discuss how we could make it more fair."
In my mind, I would think he should be paying somewhere between 1/4 to 1/2 of all living expenses, depending on what your kids financial situations are (if they're full time students I don't think they should be expected to pay as much as if they're simply working) You may want to figure what the total monthly expenses are before you sit down together. It's honesly possible that he simply isn't aware that 300 - 400 a month isn't his fair share.
By Beth 04/02/2010
You really need to know what the monthly expenses total before you can approach him. That includes everything you pay for and everything he pays for. And to be fair, keep in mind that if you break up, the house is still yours so I wouldn't try to make him pay for a full half of your mortgage. You need to come up with something fair for the living expenses you both share.
Here's the thing, my BF asked me to move in last month because he couldn't move to my city. He has 4 kids. So I quit my job (looking for a new one in his city now, but he doesn't want me to work because someone needs to stay at home when kids are off) and moved to his house. Before I moved in I offered to pay he said no. But now he wants me to help with all cost. I asked him what's "the cost" he listed: water, gas, electricity, mortgage (he owns 3 places) and car. He said, just pay what you think is fair. Before I moved in he asked me how much do I want to take care of the kids and everyday living. I said no, because I'm not a babysitter and since I'm with him, I will help him taking care of his kids for sure. BTW we are not engaged. To my opinion, it is OK to share the water bill, gas and electricity, but mortgage, it is not my house!
While reading your entry, it totally gave me the creeps with all the red flags. I fully agree with redhatterb, and add my own opinion.
First, he doesn't want you to work. That leaves you without "your own" money leaving you totally dependent on him. Not a good position to be in. If you ever decide to leave, lack of money can make it more difficult, and delay the decision. Don't put yourself in the position to be beholden to him.
Second, it sounds like you've already moved to his city. That's isolating you. Another tactic of abusers. (Not saying he is one, but be wary.)
He's already flip-flopped on his stance of how he wants you to contribute. It probably will likely to happen again and again. Get a formal agreement to help avoid potential problems. If he balks, see that as another "red flag."
Also, the fact that you put the question out asking for total strangers' opinions tells me that you, yourself, have doubts about this arrangement. Please be cautious. Go on the internet-- NOT at home (use the library, friend's, etc.)--and familiarize yourself with the signs of abuse: domestic and financial.
By redhatterb 10/19/2014
It sounds like you were taken for a sucker. He wants a built in baby sitter plus somebody to help with his living expenses. Considering he and his kids use more of all the things listed than you do. I would get the heck out of there.
My boyfriend kinda started staying here 24/7 a year ago, for the first 14 months he didn't help pay for anything. Then of coarse me being single mom of 2 couldn't afford to feed 4 of us so I had to use credit cards to be able to make it. Needless to say I'm now in credit card trouble. He decided on his own he was going to make 300$ a month payments to the card and so would I. He also paid 300$ a month toward groceries and other bills. His cell is in my name so it's 100$ which I been paying for so technically 200$ towards groceries and bills.
This lasted 2 months then he got angry and started questioning me to where "his" money is going. I told him $300 to the card 100$ to your phone and that leaves 200$ for food and bills. He eats more then 200$ a month. He yelled at me that he didn't eat 200$ a month in food so now we are back to me paying for everything. I don't know what to do, I work 3 jobs to be able to do what I gotta do and I feel used that I have absolutely no time for anything but work, make dinner, clean, and sleep. He works full time and he pays for his car, car insurance, and that's it. He wants to save his money for hobbies and spend it on hobbies for himself while I slave. I don't know, maybe this is the way its supposed to be?
By melinda 01/05/2014
Ok you stated he 'kinda' started staying with you, is he actually living with you? 24/7 would indicate not kinda he actually is. Not sure if he is the father to either of your children, but if he is then he should be financially helping you with the care of the child and household.
He doesn't sound like he is mature enough to understand the importance of things. Buying things he just wants or collects is not being responsible nor showing he cares anything about you or your children. He is just using you, a place to crash and whatever else your supplying him with.."to stop the addict you must stop supplying to the addiction".
Once he is out contact friends/family with things you may need help with, such as the children, etc. Start cutting coupons to save that extra money to catch up on bills. And if need be move to a house or apartment that is cheaper. Don't ruin your life, children's life and credit due to someone else. Especially if they could careless about you and your children. They always come first. Never a man.
I live with my boyfriend, he owns the home so I didn't get a say in if it was affordable. However it's not bad either, but he lives there with his 2 kids, 10 and 11 years old. He would have to pay the mortgage anyways, it's not like I am taking up any space being that I share a room with him. Should I have to pay half the mortgage and utilities? How about food? My boyfriend thinks it's fair that I split that cost as well.
He makes almost twice as much as I do and has no bills what so ever. I'd like to get myself out of debt so we can have a future. I don't think it's fair I pay half of the food when I am only eating 1/4 of it, if that. I work through dinner hours and eat like a bird the rest of the time. His 2 kids eat twice as much as I can and my boyfriend eats 3 times as much as me. His food costs are astronomical.
Basically I took on a second job to do what he thinks is fair, but I am killing myself and he is saving money. Does any of that seem fair. How can I talk to him? I tried a couple of times and it almost resulted in our breaking up. He wants a girl who can pay half. I am almost positive he is looking at his benefit only.
By sweetsammy 01/02/2014
You should pay on things too. Like he buys school lunches and snacks because they are his kids. He should buy their bubble bath and personal care products. I am in a situation similar, but I am the one with the kids. My bf eats me out of house and home. It be wonderful if he even pitched in 1/4 of the rest of the groceries and 1/4 of the utilities, or maybe check in your area and see how much a room and board is, say it 500 a month for a room.
Then you give him that and tell him to buy his school snacks for the kids and you provide every 4th supper (that your there), buy your own pop, and treats. The key here is that you don't want him feeling like he's supporting you and you don't feel you are supporting him and his kids.
I have been with my son's father for almost 12 years now (yes still not married). We have been thru the worst times ever to the best times ever. Three years ago I found out he was having a relationship with someone else for 2 years behind my back. Of course I kicked him out and he stayed with her for a few months until I somehow convinced myself to take him back.
At the time he also lost his job and was collecting unemployment so when he returned to my home I was picking up the slack for all the bills in our house as well as taking care of all of our son's needs. We bicker over everything; one little thing spirals into things that had nothing to do with the original argument and things get extremely nasty. He calls me the worst names imaginable including saying things like "I hope you die". You have no idea how damaging this is to hear especially after all I have given and forgave in our relationship.
He is currently working and has been for 6 months now and yet for the last, almost 3 years (a year separated, a year+ of unemployment and searching for a new job) I am still paying everything (well everything but the gas and electric). I pay rent and 1/2 the cable, all food shopping or he will go every once in a great blue moon to get the bare minimum and all expenses for our son unless he buys an outfit or shoes here and there.
While he was out on unemployment he received a large settlement approximately 12K and he never once asked if I needed money, never said I know you have racked up some credit bills let me help you, nothing.
Also a few years back he got into a little trouble with the IRS with his daughter's mother (from a previous relationship) as they both claimed her and he had to pay the money back - guess what our taxes three years ago right before I found out he had a girlfriend paid those off.
Also, once he was caught cheating he came back asking me to marry him and bought me a diamond ring. This was a secret for some time and now that it is out he has yet to speak another word of any kind of marriage. Needless to say I pay almost all of the bills (yes I have said this a few times), do all of the house chores - he will throw in a load of laundry here and there and said he did the laundry, but yet I fold and put away. He will iron his shirts for work, but mumble under his breath that I should be doing it. I cook every night - well not every night, but I make sure we have dinner and we are all feed.
To shine more light on the situation, his daughter that is now 17 years old wants nothing to do with him and hasn't for some time now. He hasn't paid support for as long as I have known him and when he is around her all he does is tells her what she is doing wrong and all this nonsense - he does this to our son too. He was raised as an only child by his father (who didn't have a great track record himself with women to say the least). To add wood to the fire he has hit me a few times or has grabbed me to the point of marks being left on me. He has broken things in the house (I have too at times).
I just hate being the one that is blamed for everything and I end up giving so much more into this so called relationship. I guess what I am trying to get at is can someone please tell me if I am thinking correctly and feeling like I am being taken advantage of? I could go on for days and please by no means I am saying I am perfect because no one is. I have my fault ones that yes I have a difficult time admitting, but I believe I deserve so much more in return at this point.
By Amanda Fry M.02/15/2015
Hello I am not sure how long it's been since you wrote this.... But - I still wanted to comment. The line above says it all.... Sharing (however you're the one sharing) with an abusive partner.
From my 20 years experience with relationships. 1) Died at 30 - this one was super sad. I had a 6 year old daughter to him. After that.... downill. 2) BiPolar husband - never did anything to help out. Same situation as yours.... just bad all around. I did have a son with him that is now 17. I went through years of Hell with this man. He was also a Narcissist and if you'll search the term, I am sure some of your boyfriends qualities fall in to the categories.
I left him when my children were 4 and 8 and never looked back. He never paid a dime of child support after he left. Was in an out of Jail, and when he did pay, he threatened me with taking him forever, so I just dropped the support and took full custody. He no longer had any control over my life. Pray about it. I started going to church... not every week, but when I needed extra support. We made it through.
My daughter is 22 and my son will be 18 and was just accepted to UF. During this 13 or so years of being single, I only dated a few times, however it seemed as the dates moved forward that I was only choosing the same style of man. My aunt once asked me why I seemed to choose men who were "less worthy" then me. And, she wasn't saying that these men weren't "good people", they just didn't have good actions. And, actions are key in a relationship.
Compassion, empathy, consistency, fairness, patience, and most importantly love. It sounds to me like he has some sort of mental thing going on. It would most likely be best if you separated and both worked on what is happening. If he is willing to dig deep on his end to figure out why he is putting the "one he loves" through hard times. That is not love. Take care of yourself. And remember - Children are better off with 1 parent who is stable and loving, than 2 parents who always argue. The child will learn the negative behavior and the chain will never be broken.
I am 47, divorced, with two teenagers and still reside in the house that my ex and I own. We are co owners, as the judge ordered me to stay in the house. My ex pays me alimony and child support.
I have been dating a guy for almost 6 years. He wants to get married, but I would lose alimony and my boyfriend does not make a consistent living. He owns his own home, but has rented it out to stay with me. He also has 2 younger kids who come here to stay once a month for 3 days and all holidays. He has his own tree business so his finances are up and down depending on work.
I originally did not ask him for money because he always just made enough to make ends meet. In the last few years though he has agreed to give me $500 a month for expenses. I pay out almost $3000 a month with lake dues.
I always struggle to make ends meet and I get really resentful at times when I don't think things are fair. For example, he went to the Caribbean to do a divemaster internship last year to better himself and possibly get a job in the islands; for both of our futures. I agreed. Just this past Christmas he bought himself another gun (6 now) and I don't even spend the money to get my hair colored and cut. Sometimes he threatens me to just go back and live in his own house. I don't ask him to pay half of the mortgage because he will get no benefit when it is sold.
I am just not sure what is fair anymore and when I bring things up to discuss he just gets mad. He loves me very much and wants to get married, but financially I thought it best to wait until the kids are out of the house. Again I am 47, he is 46, and he does help with things around the house, wood for heating, fixing things, etc., but sometimes that is a chore because he doesn't want to put too much effort in for no reward. Help. Please. What is fair to expect?
By Louise B. 01/17/2014
I agree with the other posters. This man sounds like he is mooching off of you. I would insist that he contribute at least $500 (I personally think it should be more) to the cost of running the home, groceries, etc. If he is standing in as a step -parent, than he should be contributing to the whole household. If he lives in your house as your partner, he should contribute to the maintenance and care of the home, chores, cleaning, yard work, etc. because he lives there -- NOT as a favor to you. I think he sounds very immature, and I think you would be better off without him.
I've been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. I have two boys that live with us and he has a daughter that stays 3 days out of the week. 6 months ago he quit a well paying job because he said he wanted to see his daughter more and go to school. Well he never went to school and now he works 30 hours a week at a minimum wage job. His child support was never lowered (and won't be ) because he quit. So more than half of his income goes to child support. He basically has money to get back and forth to work until he get paid again. Which means I'm paying all food, bills, and rent. On top of this he got a new car before deciding to quit his new job so I'm paying his car note and insurance. Would I be wrong to tell him he needs to get a new job so that he can make ends meet? I honestly feel like im doing everything myself. Please help!
By ilovesophie 02/08/2015
P.S. Sounds like this arrangement may have been planned ahead of time on his part since he purchased his car shortly before voluntarily quitting his job.
My boyfriend moved into my apartment in 2010. He had agreed to pay his ex wife $ 2000.00 a month. I was not involved in this amount. I had my 2 daughters living with me in a 2 bedroom apartment. His 2 boys would come over every weekend. Since he paid out so much to her I didn't push the issue.
In 2011 he purchased a house in his name. He was to pay 1600.00 of the mortgage and I pay 864.00. At the time his take home was 4000.00. He was giving 2000.00 to her at first and then lowered it to 1600.00. So take the 1600.00 + 1600.00 = 3200.00. He also had a truck payment of 500.00 so we are at 3700.00, and a trailer payment of 132.00. So he is at 3832.00; that leaves 170.00. I am left paying for everything else. I mean everything, including all the food his boys eat every weekend. He still thinks that he does it all, he always says that he pays for everything and is rude and nasty to my kids.
So here is where I am at, he keeps telling me to get out and that he will put my stuff on the front lawn. Can he do that when I have been paying part of his mortgage? I am going to move out, but since I pay for everything else it is hard to save the money. I want to make sure my stuff and my kids' stuff is secure until I can move out. Do I need to have the police present?
By Liz S.02/26/2015
Lawyer Now! The laws are different everywhere. If you lived together long enough, you may actually have a claim on his house and truck. Get a good divorce specialist.
This could end our relationship. It's been over a year now since my bf of 2years got his own apt. He "stayed" with me about 6 months prior to getting his own place because he wasn't ready financially. But for over a year now he works full time and makes more money than me. He has an 8 year old daughter for whom he pays $600 a month in child support and his rent is about $500 less than mine. He literally eats, sleeps, watches TV, is on my wifi, and bathes at my home 25 days out of the month. He's got his kid every other weekend only, so he only goes to his apartment those few days he has her. But then he's right back at my place after work using the wifi, watching TV, eating food, taking a shower, etc. Also I rent a house, so I pay for water, electric, and gas. He also will wash his clothes at my place, but has a laundry room at his apartment complex. He will put in $$ on the groceries, but says because he has his own place and pays rent there, that he shouldn't have to help at my place. Am I crazy, or is that bs? He's taking advantage and not even cleaning up or doing things around my house that justifies him to free-load. I also have a 14 year old son, and am a single mom. I get no child support and his father hasn't been in my son's life for 13+ years. What's your advice? I don't think we can be in a relationship anymore, I feel so used.
It is very easy to be critical of a situation when only its negative aspects are shared. At the end of the day, however, internet opinions can't be there to make you smile, make you breakfast, or rub your feet with "magic hands" after a long stressful day.
There are, indeed, some areas which need improvement but you should decide for yourself whether or not it would be better to build with someone who loves you enough make changes for you or just walk away for good
My boyfriend and I have been together for 18 months. He is 37 and I am 46. He was separated when we met and is now nearing the end of a very expensive divorce. He is from India and I am American.
We met and got together on the West Coast and last summer he had to move to the East Coast for a new job. His visa is dependent on his employment status so there was little choice in taking the job, as it was not only a big step up, but also a very secure position in his IT field. We did not want to be apart, so last August we made the move across country together.
I have been out of work for some time due to a back injury, so we agreed that at least until I was able to retrain for a new job through Vocational Rehab, that he would be the breadwinner and I would take care of us at home. This has actually worked out for the most part, as we both are primarily comfortable with more traditional gender roles in the relationship. He is a brilliant man, very high maintenance and complex, an artist, and an engineer. Together we are sort of the classic masculine/feminine archetype. He loves to go out and conquer the world and I am comfortable being very grounded in homemaking.
Although he makes a very good salary, because of the financial strain of his divorce, we live on an extremely tight budget. He provides me with enough monthly resources to cover our food and gas and and not a lot more. We have one car, his car, which we share. I am going to begin retraining for VocRehab in the next few months, but in the meantime I am not working outside the house. I have learned to cook and eat only Indian food, because it's the only thing he is content with. I take care of our home entirely, he does not lift a finger. I iron his shirts and pants for work every day and see to it basically that all his needs are met. When we arrived here, with only boxes and no furniture, I gradually, over the course of 3-4 months managed to almost completely furnish our apartment with thrift store furniture, linens, dishes, and other household items. I stripped, sanded, and refinished dressers for the bedroom and decorated the entire space with beautiful secondhand fabrics and curtains I made myself. We do not have a bed. We are still sleeping on two 3 inch foam mattresses on the floor because he feels he can't afford the expense at this point. This is a challenge for me with the back injury, but I have accepted it.
I love this man, and I can really manage to deal with most of what I have described, but here is my issue. When we argue, which lately has been frequently because he is working such long hours, he will blurt out in anger at some point, "Well, just get the f* out of my house then!" This just rubs me the wrong way. I feel that this is my home, even though I do not contribute financially, in every other way I am the one who has created and now maintains this home for us both. I cater to his every whim, lovingly for the most part, because he works so hard and I value his contribution to us. I am friend and lover and mother all rolled into one. And here I am in a new place, in 10 degree weather with snow, having left all my friends and family behind to be with him in love and devotion, and he says this to me as if I am some transient person he brought in off the street. I'm pissed, and insulted, and I am seriously questioning if this is the situation I really want to be in. The emotions run deep here for me, and I don't want to be a self-righteous. I really just want to get some clear perspective on all of it. I would like to hear some reasonable input. Thank you!
By aubergine 04/05/2015
in a nutshell... now that he's climbed the ladder and gained some status he wants to chuck you and get a fresh one.
when he looks at you it reminds him that he's not a self-made man. he doesn't want to admit that you played a big part in his success. if he gets himself a new girlfriend then she *only* knows him as a successful guy so it's easier for him to pretend he never was that weenie that didn't have his spit together.
he doesn't want to give you any credit for any of his accomplishments even though he couldn't have done it without you taking on the support role where you did all the menial jobs while he got all the glory. and you may have slipped further over the 'mother' line than you realized, which would accentuate the problems with the age difference.
whenever you build a man up while sacrificing yourself you create an imbalance. you've put all your energy into "him" and "us" while he completely focused on himself alone. all the energy is flowing to him so he sees a lot of personal growth. no energy is going to you so you become stagnant. he now sees himself as above you. he's the professional and you're the maid.
if you decide to leave you should tell him he needs to give you enough money for a decent start in a new place. that should include travel expenses, deposits to get a place and enough money to live on for at least 6 months. tell him that's the deal, even if he has to take out a loan. you should not be thrown out on the streets to fend for yourself after all you've put into the new life you both agreed to.
My boyfriend and I want to move in together. He says that he is "uncomfortable" with the idea of me being on the mortgage or the deed to the home. We've been together for three years. While I understand where he is coming from, I on the other hand am "uncomfortable" paying on a mortgage for a home that I'm not tied to. I myself want to own a home too. I haven't looked into buying a home because we have talked about moving in together.
We have five children between us and need a large home. I couldn't afford to buy a house big enough for all of us, but he can. He offered to have me help with the bills like utilities for an agreed amount of time until I was comfortable paying towards the mortgage. It's a nice gesture, but that won't make me feel any more comfortable. It seems as though he has this "what if this doesn't work out" mentality. I feel like I am being forced to think like that too now. If it doesn't work out I'm out on my bum with nothing and have to start over. Any advice?
By aubergine 03/29/2015
Buy your own house. if things ever change and he finally asks you to marry him then y'all can rent your house out for extra income.
Otherwise you're just feathering his nest for literally nothing in return. If you do move into his house he gets a maid, a bed partner, a baby sitter *and* you're paying him for the privilege. of course a commitment phobe is going to try to pull this one on you... what's the downside for him? He holds all the cards. This is too lopsided for a good relationship. You will be completely powerless in this relationship if you go along with this, and that includes dealing with his kids, too. After all the kids will not only say "you're not my mother" but also "this is my house, you can't tell me what to do".
I don't understand how it's any better to call the money you would contribute as "paying utilities". It's just a different name for taking money out of your pocket and putting it into his. He would probably still want the same amount of money from you, what does it matter what it's called?
You're in the prime of your life right now. You hear women say all the time "I gave you the best years of my life"? Well, that's what you'd be doing. I'm sure he's a great guy and all but he's not the last man on earth and if you move in with no safety net and then things go south, you're older and wiser but...older!
You should be looking out for number one all the time... *he* is.
Please consider buying your own home. It takes 30 years to pay off a mortgage. If you don't start now you have no chance of having a paid-for home by the time you retire.
I been living in my boyfriend's house for over 4 years. He is divorced with 3 kids. I quit my job and moved out of my town into his. Because of the girls schedule, we have 50% of the time, I take care of them. We decided then that I wouldn't have to work, and I would stay home and take care of them. Meals, taking and picking up from school, help with homework, med appointments, basically everything a mother does. The ex-wife and I communicate about the children, as the bf (father) chooses not to. That is fine with everybody. He can't afford day care (kids are 10 and twins are 8).
Should I be paying rent or helping out financially even if I don't have a job. I also do the shopping, cleaning, laundry, meals, and bills. I don't mind helping financially, but I'm not sure what is fair? I can only get a job when he isn't at work, and he sometimes works 6 days full time. I have bought the kids clothes and shoes and other things, and I really shouldn't, but he can't always afford to. I have started an at home business, and at first he was supportive, but now he really isn't. It works good for me, because I can work from home. I'm just starting my own business. Should I stay or go? Help with finances or is taking care of his kids a fair swap?
By susan 03/25/2014
You have already given up your entire life for him and his family; and you do more than your share. Whoese idea was it for you to add to the financial expenses, his or yours? If his, he's definitely taking advantage of you; if yours, just drop the idea and bank the money.
If you have a good relationship with the kids and choose to treat them, go ahead and do it. If your relatonship with him is solid and you choose to treat him, great. You are under no obligation to do so, and until you'd get married, if the relatonship fails, you'd be the one walking away with nothing. Take care of yourself too--bank the rest.
My GF of 2 and a half yrs is moving in with me. It was a mutual decision based on us wanting to be together. We are 50 yrs old. She previously had an apartment for which she paid roughly a $1000 a month in rent plus all the utilities that go with an apt (gas, electric, cable, water). I own a home with a $1300 monthly mortgage. Here comes the problem. She agrees to pay half of the utilities, but is having a problem paying anything towards the mortgage. I don't expect her to pay half, but if she pays nothing then she is living rent free which I don't think is right What do you think is fair?
By Sandy 07/15/2013
Have her split the utilities, but pitch in for groceries 50/50. I would have a problem contributing to a mortgage if my name was not on the deed also. And if you love each other, what's the big deal? I was able to contribute greatly to my families income during the past 25 years, I got sick and now I don't have much financial contribution. My husband loves me and does not care. It's not about the money. Don't nitpick, you might lose her.
My fiance and I moved into his house (I own my own home and it is now rented at a loss), with his 3 children who go back and forth between him and their mom every week. They are in elementary school, but I am responsible for their care, i.e., breakfast, packing school lunches, attending school functions, field trips, homework, making dinner, cleaning house, laundry, etc. I have a teenage son who moved in with me and he has a room in the basement and gets very little attention from my fiance.
Here's the big problem: I am disabled and collect SSDI for myself and for my son. It's not a lot of money, but it covers my expenses like car insurance, cell phones, RX plan, vet for my dog, prescriptions, and doc visits; all of which I pay for with my disability money. I have no savings and no retirement funds and I am unable to get life insurance. When I moved in I felt like I needed to contribute financially, so I was giving him $1000 a month, which is half of my entire income. He gave me a credit card that I am allowed to use to buy groceries, take all the kids out to dinner, etc. and even to buy some stuff for myself, although I don't need much, as I stay at home.
Now he is angry that I am refusing to continue giving him any money. He said he doesn't see us getting married in the near future and that we need to live by a budget. BTW, he makes 6 figures and travels a lot, so I care for his kids on many overnights while he is traveling.
Am I crazy to think that I earn my keep by taking care of his kids and the household. He said that obviously he will pay for everything while I contribute nothing. I still need to pay all of my expenses and I have to save some money in case I die and so my kids have something for college and so that I have something to retire with if he will never marry me. His ex is still his beneficiary on his very large life insurance policy and he refuses to add me to his health insurance even though my medicare only covers 80% of my medical expenses.
I can't move out because I rented my home and I moved in with him in a very expensive city where I can't afford even a small apartment. What is up and how do I make him understand my value as an equal partner?
Please help. I love this man, but this seems very strange to me and to all my friends.
I should also mention that we had a wedding planned, which he cancelled and then said he made a mistake. Once I moved in, he said he no longer was ready to get married, but is committed to me and will marry me when he feels he is ready.
By Michelle M.
By Louise B. 01/26/2015
This isn't love when you are treated like a slave and treated disrespectfully. Give your tenant notice, and move back to your own place. If you have to wait a bit, find someone else to board with for you and your son for a short time. Consider this a learning experience, and lucky escape. It could be worse - you could have married this jerk!
My friend and I have been living together for 12 or so years. When I moved in I was doing temp work, but contributing to food and cable and smaller but important expenses.
There was a time over a few years that I would work and/or collect unemployment, but not pay rent. I kept a running total of what I owed him and when I started a long-term temp job I started paying him what I felt was a reasonable rent plus $300 a month and he would get the extra for the 3 paycheck months. During this time I have also payed for 90% of the groceries. He said he would stop taking any extra money once he got his debt under control which I was perfectly fine with.
A couple of weeks ago he mentioned something about not paying any money on a credit card that is mine, but that he uses because there in no interest. I brought up that he should not be using my card anymore and reminded him that he was going to stop my extra payments to him.
My debt is paid now and I told him I felt I was paying too much and he just went off. He reminded me that he had taken care of a couple of emergencies and I reminded him that I pay the groceries plus what I pay him and at the end of the month there is hardly any money for me. I wasn't asking for a free ride, I just want our expenses to be paid equally. He gets mad because I am not saving money for a downpayment on a car, but when I told him I can't pay him and save money he just gets so mad.
I worked it out and over the past 3 1/2 years (I finally got the job permanently) I have paid him almost 60K, yes, that is 60 thousand dollars. So, do I give him actual numbers? When I ask for the bills so that we split them, he gets mad which makes me think that they aren't as high as he told me. When I bring up the subject now he just says pay what you want or don't pay at all and he now says that he won't eat any of "my" food anymore unless he pays me back for it. I feel like a whipped dog, but I am not going to give in for a situation where I know for a fact that I am right.
By Abigail A. 01/01/2015
Oh, by the way, nobody should be using your credit card but you!
I'm 31, in a relationship with a 47 year old man with a 14 year old daughter. I have no children. We are looking to rent a place together, and would eventually buy a house together.
I have a fixed income, he does too, they are fairly similar, but he has his own company that he owns with his ex, and is in the process of selling 2 properties he owns with his ex, so he has savings and also has earnings from being the co-owner of the company. I on the other hand am paying off student loans.
I was wondering the following: for the immediate future, I will be moving to his city so he can stay near his daughter, we will rent a place with an extra room for his daughter. Here, I think it's no problem to split the rent half/half, it's just one extra room and I love his daughter. However, do I also pay for her to join us on holidays? Sometimes she also brings a friend so it doubles the costs. And what about groceries and eating out when she joins us, should I just pay for myself or is it more fair for him if we share in the expenses for the care for his daughter? He pays alimony as she is with her mom most of the time.
Eventually we would want to buy a place together, but whilst he will have a fair amount of money in the bank from selling his properties, I have student loans I'm still paying off, and would, if I'm lucky, be able to get a loan to pay for 1/4th of the kind of place he'd have in mind (he has far higher standards than me).
I want to be able to build a future for myself, so I don't want to pay rent to contribute to his mortgage, I want to own a place, not just keep throwing money into a hole in the ground (aka paying rent), but what good would owning 1/4th of a place really do me? Would I be better off buying a small studio I could afford and renting it out and then using that rent to pay for the house we'd share? Then at least I'd own my own little place and not 1/4th of a large place. I'd want a situation that's fair to both of us and good for his daughter.
By Anja K
By Abigail A. 01/01/2015
If you're just renting a house with him, you don't technically have to pay any of his daughter's expenses- but you should. You won't get any respect as a member of the family until you start to pitch in financially. You'll just be "Dad's girlfriend" or "Dad's roommate." This puts you at sort of a second-class citizen status in the household, and you'll feel it.
As far as buying a house is concerned, you're already in debt. Adding to that debt is a bad idea. Your financial freedom is paramount. Messing up here could ruin your future, and that's no joke.
Buying a place to rent out: Where do I start? People will trash the place, and can skip town owing you many months back rent. The eviction process, even for non-payers, takes an insane amount of time. Imagine not being able to pay on the house for months because the renters refused to pay YOU, and the eviction process is taking forever.
You'd owe all taxes on the property and be responsible for all repairs as the landlord. This includes replacing everything in it when it is trashed by a hoarder or used as a meth lab.
Pay off the loan you already have while putting money aside for your OWN future. This is going to be hard enough as it is without adding any extra obligation on your finances.
People give renting a bad rap, saying it's just throwing money down the drain. But it isn't. It gives you a roof over your head without obligating you financially. That's more than you think it is.
My boyfriend has lost his home and is livng in a run down rental of his own. I know he is having financial problems, but he doesn't discuss them with me. He doesn't know I know he lost his house. He spends every night at my house and leaves in the morning when I do. He is a licensed realtor, but has not been doing a lot to get any new listings. He has been delivering firewood to make money. I buy all the groceries and pay all the bills, I own the house and pay the mortgage. I have not asked him for any money to cover his half of the food or utilities; I keep waiting for him to offer. I get up in the morning and make coffee and either cook breakfast or have cereal. When I get home from work, I cook dinner. He doesn't even offer to do the dishes. I do love him and he would probably help me with the chores if I asked and give me $ too. I guess the problem is I do not know how to approach the subject with him. I do his laundry too. How can I discuss this tactfully with him?
By Abigail A. 12/03/2014
Please go back and read what you wrote.
How can a Realtor have no house unless he wants it that way? Seems like he finds living with you more convenient. After all, you are his "maid"- with benefits! You do his cooking, his cleaning, and on top of everything you foot the bill!
A real man would offer to pay his fair share up front, or at least as much as he possibly can. You wouldn't have to ask.
Seems like hauling wood is a good excuse to do a minimum of work that's mostly driving so he can say he works, but not enough to justify moving out or paying anything substantial.
Apparently you've convinced yourself you love this freeloader. Ah, what wishful thinking won't do. You knew what to do before you even asked the question.
I rent a home at $ 1,200 a month plus expenses of $220 or so for utilities, not including food, gas, etc. She has kids grown and not living with her. She moved in and for 4 months paid nothing, then asked what I expected. I looked at her salary, about 27 K, mine is 40K, and I asked for $400 plus 1/2 electric and water per month. She claims this is not "normal" or fair. I am wondering what others think? What is fair for outside expenses, dinner, travel expenses together, etc.? I didn't split things down the middle for rent based on the difference in income and think it is very fair. What is fair way to to share home and other expenses? Thoughts?
By Louise B. 03/14/2015
What does your girlfriend think is fair? It seems to me that she is getting a free ride, and wants to continue to do so. I think that the fair thing is to total up all of the expenses that you both have for joint things (groceries, rent, utilities, etc.). Things that are for your own use (say a gym membership, your clothes) or her own use (gas to drive to her job, new shoes) should be paid out of your own funds. You should pay the joint expenses on a percentage based on your incomes. I think you did not ask for nearly enough money.
My partner is 40 years old and was a full time student. She graduated 8 months ago and has been looking for work, but will only take a full time job in her field. I bought us a home 6 months ago and she agreed to buy the food and pay the bills. She has still yet to find a job, but gets $900 per month from her ex husband. It costs me around $3,800 a month to run the house. She gives me between $150-$300 a month, this doesn't seem fair to me, as I share a room with her, but she refuses to budge on it. I was expecting the bills to be paid, but she says it is unfair for me to expect anything more. I feel like I am paying for her kids and they have a dad and mom. Anytime I bring it up it turns into a war, not good.
By Louise B. 02/08/2015
I notice we are not quite as harsh with this poster as we are when the genders in the question are reversed. If you were a woman, and your partner was a man, we would be counseling you to "throw the bum out". However, I am thinking that if you can not get her to get a job and pay her fair share, you seriously need to consider ending the relationship, unless you are prepared to carry her and her children forever. If that is not what you are looking to do, you seriously need to look at visiting accountants or laying down ultimatums with regard to sharing of expenses.
I own my home. It is a big home where I live with my four kids. I have lived here with them for 10 years. The last 8 years I have been alone with the children in this home. I have been dating someone for a while who has one daughter. We are considering moving together and I have a hard time figuring out what is fair.
My partner keeps referring to the fact that he doesn't feel at home in my house. I have provided his daughter with a room which she uses everytime she comes over, which is 5-10 nights a month right now. He has never contributed to household expenses as of yet even if he has been staying over for the past two years. I have never been to his place as it is much too small for us. Is he supposed to feel at home in my house when he doesn't live here and doesn't contribute to household expenses?
I have a very large mortgage on this house which I pay for on my own. I am stressed financially with the burden of supporting the house and a small cottage that my partner has also used for the past two years with his daughter. My partner pays for some food sometimes. When he comes over for a weekend with her he almost always brings a meal for all 7 of us, but he has never contributed towards any other house or cottage expense. Aside from the meals he brings, I pay for everything else, all the little things that are normally consumed in a house. Is this correct? I am feeling a little frustrated with the situation. Am I unreasonable?
The other issue is the arrangement we will choose as we discuss him moving in. He wishes to pay rent, but what he is suggesting is just a fraction of the value of what living in this house costs. In my view, renting does not give him equal rights to the house. As an example, I feel he thinks that it would be acceptable to discuss the room arrangements. Two of my kids share a room upstairs, and the other two have their own rooms also upstairs. The room I have been providing for his daughter is in the basement. (There are two rooms in the a basement that is completely finished and has a complete bathroom.) Is it acceptable for him to ask my kids to change rooms? His daughter is 11. This makes me resent him, as to me it feels completely unreasonable that he can expect to demand changes that affect my children if he pays rent. It is my house and he proposes to pay some rent; does that entitle him to make demands that impact my children?
By Louise B. 01/21/2015
If the situation is as you describe it, you are not being treated fairly. I certainly don't see any reason why you are paying for a place for this man to live. That is insane. Stop it at once. Does he not have a job? I expect that somehow all the decisions that you made in the past made sense at the time, but now you are in a bit of a pickle because of them. These sorts of situations point out the flaws of "moving in together" as opposed to "marriage". Marriage provides a legal framework for living. In my province here in Canada, a couple that lives together for 2 years have the same rights and obligations as a couple that was married. You should check into the laws in your state.
I think that if he is moving in with you, the "rent" that he pays should be roughly equal to half the cost of running the household, especially if his salary is roughly the same as yours. If you are living together, with children, then you assuming the role of a married couple with children, and things should be shared equally. If you are not prepared to make this level of commitment, than I don't think you should let him move in. Nor do I think that he should just get to continue to behave like a "guest" in your house. The present arrangement, where he stays over a lot (most of the time?) and his daughter is there about 1/3 of the time requires a lot more financial commitment than he has been providing. He appears to be a freeloader. I'm sorry if this sounds nasty, but from your description, that is what it sounds like.
Does he do chores around the house? Take care of your car? Mow the lawn? Clean out the eavestroughs? Put up the Christmas lights? Vacuum the living room? Prepare meals? Garden? Shovel the sidewalks and driveway? Paint the livingroom? Clean the bathrooms? Do laundry? There are all sorts of things that you must consider.
With regard to his daughter, it seems to me that your kids, who have lived in this house for 10 years, get dibs on the rooms that they want. They should not have to move to accommodate the newcomer. At the moment she is a guest. If, (and I would seriously rethink this) this fellow moves in, and you get all the other issues straightened out, then she should have her choice of the vacant bedrooms. As a kid who is almost a teenager, I would think that she might like the basement rooms, with a bathroom all to herself. I know that was always the prime real estate in my home with my sons. You might also discuss the whole room situation with your own children first, before deciding. Perhaps your older ones would like those basement rooms.
You have much to consider, but as it stands, to an outsider, you are carrying far too much of the financial responsibility for this relationship. Are you being treated fairly? No.
My boyfriend and I are moving in together. We have a 1 year old son and I have a 5 year old daughter. He bought a home last year and I bought one this year. The decision to move in together was made after our homes were purchased. He has found renters for his home so his mortgage (and more) is taken care of. We are planning on getting married in the next couple years.
He keeps saying he has no problem helping with the utilities, but I think he should help with the mortgage. Yes he is contributing to my equity, but as a result of living with me his home is gaining equity without him paying anything. What should I do and how should I approach this?
If you are putting your boyfriend's name on the house deeds then yes, he should pay half. Of course he should pay his way... food, bills, entertainment, etc. but I don't see why he should have to pay for your house.
My boyfriend moved in with me 6 months ago. I am a student and he is the owner of an organization. We share all the expenses. When we go shopping it is the same, but he eats twice or thrice my portion. Sometimes my parents have to send me money for upkeep with which I pay my part of rent. Do you think that's fair?
By Bryt M
By Louise B. 03/30/2014
There are many things to consider. Do you share cooking, laundry, cleaning and other chores equally? Is one person providing all of the furniture in the place, and is that your boyfriend? Each person contributing an equal amount is the usual way that room mates would divvy up expenses, but an arrangement between a couple might be more equitable if each person contributed according to their ability to do so. When my adult son was living with me, and earning money, I asked him to contribute 1/3 of the living expenses, as he was making much less than I was. He ate more than I did, but he did chores I couldn't do, such as shoveling snow off of the roof. If you feel hard done by, you need to have a talk with your boyfriend.
Should I contribute to my partner's mortgage if his house is going to his four kids when he dies? We are getting married and he wants a pre-nup that says his kids get the house, yet I am contributing and could be for years. Or should I just be paying my half?
By Denise L
By Elizabeth Reynolds 10/20/2013
Lousy deal for you! Don't pay a penny toward that house, but instead open a savings account in your name only and contribute monthly. You'll need it when he dies and leaves you homeless. I'm thinking you two need some serious counseling before you make a commitment to him. I would personally be insulted if a man tried to make a deal like that with me. Fortunately, I've been married for 43 years to a wonderful man who would never treat me like that. Think about it, please.
My dilemma is that my now boyfriend and I have been off and on for the last 7 or 8 years. This year we made it official to be committed to one another. He purchased his home "cash" at an auction on 2012. Although he had his own home, he always wanted to be with me at my home. He suggested once my lease was up to move in with him. I didn't take the offer at first, but once other options didn't work we decided to "fix" his house up. We decided, I would pay for materials and he would do the work. In the midst of paying for materials and getting the house done, midterm, he decided he didn't want to do the work, he wanted us to pay his friend to complete our renovations.
Then he knew he owed back taxes, but he didn't know how much, so the week I move two years after he purchased his home, he finds out he owes $5300 in back taxes. So now not only did I help pay to make it livable, he now wants me to help pay back taxes. The light and gas are in my name, I pay for all the household living products like soap, toothpaste, toilet paper, cleaning products, etc. I pay my car note and insurance, yet he wants to drive my car and pay nothing on it. He feels because I have 3 children, I should help pay taxes. He doesn't need my money he doesn't cash his checks, so he's sitting on at least 1000.00 a week. So he wants me to pay for food, take him places because he doesn't have a car, clean up behind him, and do his laundry. I will pay something, but don't act like I'm using you, when you suggested I move in and save up $$$. What should I do?
By Abigail A. 12/24/2014
Interesting that your boyfriend "didn't know" how much back taxes he owed. You'd think the letters he kept getting in the mail attempting to retrieve these taxes would give him some idea of what the amount was!
Seriously, he had to have known, or at least had a very good idea. He was just waiting until the Money Fairy (YOU) showed up to address the problem. Now, do you think a full-grown man should pay his own back taxes, or at least be paying down on them monthly?
He changed his mind about doing the work on the house right in the middle of getting it done. Well, that leaves you in a fix, doesn't it? You pretty much have to agree to anything he says because you can't simply live in a house that's mid renovation, not with three kids. And now you'll have to "help" pay his friend to do the work. Do you often allow people to put you in situations where you are forced to go along because you have no other choice?
And you're letting him drive your car. Don't you think a full-grown man ought to have his own car, in his own name, with his own insurance? How in the world are two people with three kids using ONE car?
You are behaving in every way as if this man is your minor dependent. Not just any minor dependent- a physically and mentally handicapped minor dependent who can't be expected to learn to do things like keep up with his own financial debt or do his own laundry.
I have lived with my boyfriend and his two children ages 7 and 12 in his house, that is paid off, for several years. We divide the expenses and he pays for the kids' expenses, electric, and some bills and I pay the groceries, cable, and landline phone. He pays for the taxes.
Keep in mind I have my own house that's paid for that I rent out, a job where I make double his income, and I pay the taxes there. My name only is on my house. I cook and maintain his house for all to live in, transport kids sometimes here and there, pick them up from school sometimes as he makes sure dinner is on table and clothes washed.
So, my question is once we get married, he wants to split his household and kids' expenses and then half of the house renovations (update furniture, countertops, etc. and repairs when they come up) and taxes and put this in a joint account. The house is in his name only and possibly his children.
I assume if something were to happen to him, they would get the house. Is this reasonable to pay for a home I don't own although we are living there as man and wife and pay half the taxes. We live in Florida so I believe there a equity law.
By cybergrannie 01/25/2014
I believe you will find that Florida goes by what is in a will or a prenuptial document so you really need to get some expert advice (may be costly!) before committing to anything.
I have just found out I am pregnant and therefore my boyfriend and I are now looking to move in together. I plan to go back to work after the baby is born and work about 30 hours a week. He works as a PT and only works about 15-20 hours a week, usually outside of times I work. Therefore it seems like we could make it work, however he is now talking about sharing money completely which makes me nervous. I know we will now be a "family" however I'm still wanting my independence. How can I have both? Also, he has a house which he rents out and he has to add to it each week to pay the mortgage. He is looking to put this into a trust so I cannot have any claim on it (fair enough). However, if we are sharing money then am I not technically paying for some of it without having any claim? It's all so hard to talk about and is driving me insane!
By Marg 11/04/2013
This guy wants to have his cake, eat it and get you to help pay for it! You want to keep your independence. Are you moving in just for the sake of the baby or do you love each other? I do wonder what would happen if for any reason you couldn't work for a time after the baby is born.
It all needs discussing and believe me, if you can't talk now it just gets harder as you go along. I agree with Redhatterb, something sounds off. Please think it over good and hard. Best of luck.
Marg from England.
I live with my boyfriend. I own the house free and clear, except I just built a 2 car garage with a small mortgage that I pay for. Should he help pay for homeowners insurance and property taxes since he is living here? We split all other shared expenses - food, utilities, gym, etc. We pay individually for clothes, personal expenses. etc.
By dna53 06/26/2013
Does he pay rent anywhere? If yes then no, he should not pay the other expenses. But if he pays no rent, then he should pay half of those expenses as well.
I am a student out my country and I have boyfriend like me. He works, but I can not find a job. From the first date we have lived together, some times in his house some times in my dormitory. After the summer we are back again from our country to Cyprus and he insist to live only in his house.
My question is, how can I share my expenses with him? Actually I do everything in house like a housewife, but at the time of shopping for household supplies, we share the expenses. At this point it makes me sad not for lack of money, because I think he doesn't care. I don't know what to do? Please help me.
By Kathy 09/05/2012
Move out. You are not married, not legally obligated to stay. Why are you "acting" like a wife? Even wives have benefits such as part ownership of property, medical benefits from husband's job if not from her own. I'm always amused when people just "live together" they think they have all the rights of a married couple. There's a lot more to marriage than just living together.
It is my home, she recently moved in. I have a 16 and a 12 yr old that I have every other week. I do all of the cooking, cleaning, etc. She does do her own laundry.
Should she contribute to mortgage, utilities, groceries? She also runs her home business out of this house taking up the extra bedroom.
By Sandi/Poor But Proud 10/06/2014
If she is living there then no, she shouldn't be able to live there for free.
My girlfriend and I have been on and off for 5 years and have recently started taking marriage classes. We are talking about moving back in together so we can save money for a wedding. I pay $400 a month where I'm at. She pays $878 in rent plus another $500 in car and utility bills.
I have a son who wants to move in with me this summer. She is aware that I want custody of both of my kids. If we get married I expect us to be a family. She has a decent relationship with my kids, but had never wanted to take them anywhere or volunteer to bond with them.
Now I have been looking for places to stay for us, but I expect her to pay half the rent and utilities if we move in which will be less than what she pays now and it will be more than what I pay. She says that she shouldn't have to pay half because they are not her kids and she is not financially responsible for them. I didn't ask her to be financially responsible for them, her saying that makes me very nervous. if we get married she will be the stepmother and it doesn't seem like that's the title she wants. I'm not asking her to pay for their clothes, meals, or the collage fund. Please give me some insight.
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