When living with a partner it is important to have a clear understanding of how the household costs are divided. This guide is about sharing living expenses with boyfriend.
My boyfriend kinda started staying here 24/7 a year ago, for the first 14 months he didn't help pay for anything. Then of coarse me being single mom of 2 couldn't afford to feed 4 of us so I had to use credit cards to be able to make it. Needless to say I'm now in credit card trouble. He decided on his own he was going to make 300$ a month payments to the card and so would I. He also paid 300$ a month toward groceries and other bills. His cell is in my name so it's 100$ which I been paying for so technically 200$ towards groceries and bills.
This lasted 2 months then he got angry and started questioning me to where "his" money is going. I told him $300 to the card 100$ to your phone and that leaves 200$ for food and bills. He eats more then 200$ a month. He yelled at me that he didn't eat 200$ a month in food so now we are back to me paying for everything. I don't know what to do, I work 3 jobs to be able to do what I gotta do and I feel used that I have absolutely no time for anything but work, make dinner, clean, and sleep. He works full time and he pays for his car, car insurance, and that's it. He wants to save his money for hobbies and spend it on hobbies for himself while I slave. I don't know, maybe this is the way its supposed to be?
January 5, 2014
Ok you stated he 'kinda' started staying with you, is he actually living with you? 24/7 would indicate not kinda he actually is. Not sure if he is the father to either of your children, but if he is then he should be financially helping you with the care of the child and household.
He doesn't sound like he is mature enough to understand the importance of things. Buying things he just wants or collects is not being responsible nor showing he cares anything about you or your children. He is just using you, a place to crash and whatever else your supplying him with.."to stop the addict you must stop supplying to the addiction".
Once he is out contact friends/family with things you may need help with, such as the children, etc. Start cutting coupons to save that extra money to catch up on bills. And if need be move to a house or apartment that is cheaper. Don't ruin your life, children's life and credit due to someone else. Especially if they could careless about you and your children. They always come first. Never a man.
I've been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. I have two boys that live with us and he has a daughter that stays 3 days out of the week. 6 months ago he quit a well paying job because he said he wanted to see his daughter more and go to school. Well he never went to school and now he works 30 hours a week at a minimum wage job. His child support was never lowered (and won't be ) because he quit. So more than half of his income goes to child support. He basically has money to get back and forth to work until he get paid again. Which means I'm paying all food, bills, and rent. On top of this he got a new car before deciding to quit his new job so I'm paying his car note and insurance. Would I be wrong to tell him he needs to get a new job so that he can make ends meet? I honestly feel like im doing everything myself. Please help!
August 11, 2015
You have become his Mommy and in his eyes, should be taking care of him. Give him the boot, like yesterday. Why should your kids go short so you can provide for Freddie the Freeloader?
I live with my boyfriend, he owns the home so I didn't get a say in if it was affordable. However it's not bad either, but he lives there with his 2 kids, 10 and 11 years old. He would have to pay the mortgage anyways, it's not like I am taking up any space being that I share a room with him. Should I have to pay half the mortgage and utilities? How about food? My boyfriend thinks it's fair that I split that cost as well.
He makes almost twice as much as I do and has no bills what so ever. I'd like to get myself out of debt so we can have a future. I don't think it's fair I pay half of the food when I am only eating 1/4 of it, if that. I work through dinner hours and eat like a bird the rest of the time. His 2 kids eat twice as much as I can and my boyfriend eats 3 times as much as me. His food costs are astronomical.
Basically I took on a second job to do what he thinks is fair, but I am killing myself and he is saving money. Does any of that seem fair. How can I talk to him? I tried a couple of times and it almost resulted in our breaking up. He wants a girl who can pay half. I am almost positive he is looking at his benefit only.
April 1, 2015
I can understand how money could be an issue. I came to this thread because I am moving in with my boyfriend and his 12 yr old son. First of all, I apologize for my bad English since I am french. :) 2nd. I hope you and your boyfriend found a resolution but from the situation you wrote about it does seem like he is very irrational and not acting out of love and compassion.
If he gets an amount from an ex to cover his kids it should go toward the 1/3 of the rent for his kids, their food and personals.
You should reasonably pay a 1/3 to a 1/2 of the rent or what it would cost between renting a room in a household you would want to live in or a 1 bedroom apartment of your own. (what ever you would have done single). 1/2 to a 1/3 telecommunication (internet, cable, telephone), 1/2 to a 1/3 utilities (gas, electricity) and your food/personal items.
***Those may change depending on how many dependents and their ages. 50GB added and higher internet speed cause of an addicted teenager on gaming changes monthly fees. :)
Once you start sharing money...BUDGET. Use online banking and make many accounts and sub accounts. 1 checking account each, 1 saving account each, 1 shared grocery and 1 utility/telecomm account, 1 vacation account, 1 miss/special account and move money around each week or 2 week depending on pays.
Have a jar and put 25-50$ each a week in it...Surprises and special supper, date nights come from there. Groupon, coupons and have a familycalendar. Plan meals and make activities.
Then, for example, who ever does the groceries can take from that account. If there is ever any left over...every end of the month move it to another shared account or split the savings 1/2 and 1/2. :)
If one person makes more than the other, hopefully they are generous and treat the other to surprises, pretty things and if they feel obliged cover more % of the bills or add to shared savings/trips accounts.
If one party own the house or pay a mortgage alone, I do think they should give you a discount on the rent until your name is on the deed or you pay a mortgage because they are investing towards their future with that money invested. There is always marriage to share everything. :)
I guess I answered my own questions. If money breaks many relationship, taking care of it early and fairly will only but be positive in my future.
Only when both parties feel safe and secure will a relationship work. The basic need of shelter and the eventual sharing of it will always take some work towards a comfortable homestead with another.
By Robin 1
My boyfriend of three years moved in with me a little over a year ago due to loss of a job in his city and him finding one in mine. I have two daughters that are 18 and 21 and still live with me. He buys groceries from week to week and spends about $300 - $400 a month but has not offered to pay any rent or utilities.
How should I approach him to share in these expenses too as he is living with us full time? The house is only in my name. Thanks.
By Robin from New Orleans, LA
April 2, 2010
You really need to know what the monthly expenses total before you can approach him. That includes everything you pay for and everything he pays for. And to be fair, keep in mind that if you break up, the house is still yours so I wouldn't try to make him pay for a full half of your mortgage. You need to come up with something fair for the living expenses you both share.
April 5, 2010
Talking money is tough. It's one of the hardest things on any relationship. Tell him you'd like to set aside some time for the two of you to discuss finances. Agree on a time when both of you will be fairly relaxed and not running late to some other appointment. Then, just tell him how you feel. Literally say "I feel... " Avoid saying things like "you never..." or "you always..."
If you have a good relationship and he's a good man, using kind, not accusing wording you should be able to work out a more fair arrangement. Saying something like "I really appreciate your buying groceries. It helps a lot. But I feel that we're not splitting our overall living expenses in a fair way and want to discuss how we could make it more fair."
In my mind, I would think he should be paying somewhere between 1/4 to 1/2 of all living expenses, depending on what your kids financial situations are (if they're full time students I don't think they should be expected to pay as much as if they're simply working) You may want to figure what the total monthly expenses are before you sit down together. It's honesly possible that he simply isn't aware that 300 - 400 a month isn't his fair share.
Here's the thing, my BF asked me to move in last month because he couldn't move to my city. He has 4 kids. So I quit my job (looking for a new one in his city now, but he doesn't want me to work because someone needs to stay at home when kids are off) and moved to his house. Before I moved in I offered to pay he said no. But now he wants me to help with all cost. I asked him what's "the cost" he listed: water, gas, electricity, mortgage (he owns 3 places) and car. He said, just pay what you think is fair. Before I moved in he asked me how much do I want to take care of the kids and everyday living. I said no, because I'm not a babysitter and since I'm with him, I will help him taking care of his kids for sure. BTW we are not engaged. To my opinion, it is OK to share the water bill, gas and electricity, but mortgage, it is not my house!
October 19, 2014
It sounds like you were taken for a sucker. He wants a built in baby sitter plus somebody to help with his living expenses. Considering he and his kids use more of all the things listed than you do. I would get the heck out of there.
October 19, 2014
While reading your entry, it totally gave me the creeps with all the red flags. I fully agree with redhatterb, and add my own opinion.
First, he doesn't want you to work. That leaves you without "your own" money leaving you totally dependent on him. Not a good position to be in. If you ever decide to leave, lack of money can make it more difficult, and delay the decision. Don't put yourself in the position to be beholden to him.
Second, it sounds like you've already moved to his city. That's isolating you. Another tactic of abusers. (Not saying he is one, but be wary.)
He's already flip-flopped on his stance of how he wants you to contribute. It probably will likely to happen again and again. Get a formal agreement to help avoid potential problems. If he balks, see that as another "red flag."
Also, the fact that you put the question out asking for total strangers' opinions tells me that you, yourself, have doubts about this arrangement. Please be cautious. Go on the internet-- NOT at home (use the library, friend's, etc.)--and familiarize yourself with the signs of abuse: domestic and financial.
I have been with my son's father for almost 12 years now (yes still not married). We have been thru the worst times ever to the best times ever. Three years ago I found out he was having a relationship with someone else for 2 years behind my back. Of course I kicked him out and he stayed with her for a few months until I somehow convinced myself to take him back.
At the time he also lost his job and was collecting unemployment so when he returned to my home I was picking up the slack for all the bills in our house as well as taking care of all of our son's needs. We bicker over everything; one little thing spirals into things that had nothing to do with the original argument and things get extremely nasty. He calls me the worst names imaginable including saying things like "I hope you die". You have no idea how damaging this is to hear especially after all I have given and forgave in our relationship.
He is currently working and has been for 6 months now and yet for the last, almost 3 years (a year separated, a year+ of unemployment and searching for a new job) I am still paying everything (well everything but the gas and electric). I pay rent and 1/2 the cable, all food shopping or he will go every once in a great blue moon to get the bare minimum and all expenses for our son unless he buys an outfit or shoes here and there.
While he was out on unemployment he received a large settlement approximately 12K and he never once asked if I needed money, never said I know you have racked up some credit bills let me help you, nothing.
Also a few years back he got into a little trouble with the IRS with his daughter's mother (from a previous relationship) as they both claimed her and he had to pay the money back - guess what our taxes three years ago right before I found out he had a girlfriend paid those off.
Also, once he was caught cheating he came back asking me to marry him and bought me a diamond ring. This was a secret for some time and now that it is out he has yet to speak another word of any kind of marriage. Needless to say I pay almost all of the bills (yes I have said this a few times), do all of the house chores - he will throw in a load of laundry here and there and said he did the laundry, but yet I fold and put away. He will iron his shirts for work, but mumble under his breath that I should be doing it. I cook every night - well not every night, but I make sure we have dinner and we are all feed.
To shine more light on the situation, his daughter that is now 17 years old wants nothing to do with him and hasn't for some time now. He hasn't paid support for as long as I have known him and when he is around her all he does is tells her what she is doing wrong and all this nonsense - he does this to our son too. He was raised as an only child by his father (who didn't have a great track record himself with women to say the least). To add wood to the fire he has hit me a few times or has grabbed me to the point of marks being left on me. He has broken things in the house (I have too at times).
I just hate being the one that is blamed for everything and I end up giving so much more into this so called relationship. I guess what I am trying to get at is can someone please tell me if I am thinking correctly and feeling like I am being taken advantage of? I could go on for days and please by no means I am saying I am perfect because no one is. I have my fault ones that yes I have a difficult time admitting, but I believe I deserve so much more in return at this point.
February 15, 2015
Hello I am not sure how long it's been since you wrote this.... But - I still wanted to comment. The line above says it all.... Sharing (however you're the one sharing) with an abusive partner.
From my 20 years experience with relationships. 1) Died at 30 - this one was super sad. I had a 6 year old daughter to him. After that.... downill. 2) BiPolar husband - never did anything to help out. Same situation as yours.... just bad all around. I did have a son with him that is now 17. I went through years of Hell with this man. He was also a Narcissist and if you'll search the term, I am sure some of your boyfriends qualities fall in to the categories.
I left him when my children were 4 and 8 and never looked back. He never paid a dime of child support after he left. Was in an out of Jail, and when he did pay, he threatened me with taking him forever, so I just dropped the support and took full custody. He no longer had any control over my life. Pray about it. I started going to church... not every week, but when I needed extra support. We made it through.
My daughter is 22 and my son will be 18 and was just accepted to UF. During this 13 or so years of being single, I only dated a few times, however it seemed as the dates moved forward that I was only choosing the same style of man. My aunt once asked me why I seemed to choose men who were "less worthy" then me. And, she wasn't saying that these men weren't "good people", they just didn't have good actions. And, actions are key in a relationship.
Compassion, empathy, consistency, fairness, patience, and most importantly love. It sounds to me like he has some sort of mental thing going on. It would most likely be best if you separated and both worked on what is happening. If he is willing to dig deep on his end to figure out why he is putting the "one he loves" through hard times. That is not love. Take care of yourself. And remember - Children are better off with 1 parent who is stable and loving, than 2 parents who always argue. The child will learn the negative behavior and the chain will never be broken.
I am 47, divorced, with two teenagers and still reside in the house that my ex and I own. We are co owners, as the judge ordered me to stay in the house. My ex pays me alimony and child support.
I have been dating a guy for almost 6 years. He wants to get married, but I would lose alimony and my boyfriend does not make a consistent living. He owns his own home, but has rented it out to stay with me. He also has 2 younger kids who come here to stay once a month for 3 days and all holidays. He has his own tree business so his finances are up and down depending on work.
I originally did not ask him for money because he always just made enough to make ends meet. In the last few years though he has agreed to give me $500 a month for expenses. I pay out almost $3000 a month with lake dues.
I always struggle to make ends meet and I get really resentful at times when I don't think things are fair. For example, he went to the Caribbean to do a divemaster internship last year to better himself and possibly get a job in the islands; for both of our futures. I agreed. Just this past Christmas he bought himself another gun (6 now) and I don't even spend the money to get my hair colored and cut. Sometimes he threatens me to just go back and live in his own house. I don't ask him to pay half of the mortgage because he will get no benefit when it is sold.
I am just not sure what is fair anymore and when I bring things up to discuss he just gets mad. He loves me very much and wants to get married, but financially I thought it best to wait until the kids are out of the house. Again I am 47, he is 46, and he does help with things around the house, wood for heating, fixing things, etc., but sometimes that is a chore because he doesn't want to put too much effort in for no reward. Help. Please. What is fair to expect?
January 17, 2014
I agree with the other posters. This man sounds like he is mooching off of you. I would insist that he contribute at least $500 (I personally think it should be more) to the cost of running the home, groceries, etc. If he is standing in as a step -parent, than he should be contributing to the whole household. If he lives in your house as your partner, he should contribute to the maintenance and care of the home, chores, cleaning, yard work, etc. because he lives there -- NOT as a favor to you. I think he sounds very immature, and I think you would be better off without him.
By IMArt 1
My boyfriend wants to move in with me. We have been dating for over a year, we have had many disagreements ranging from exs to finances. If he moves in, he doesn't want to pay 1/2 of utilities since I currently receive child support. Is this fair? Am I expecting too much from him?
July 3, 2015
No, you are not expecting too much. In fact, you are expecting far too little. Any man who expects to move in and NOT share half of ALL the expenses related to the home (food, utilities, rent, gas expenses, insurance, etc.) is a moocher. The child support is for your child, and has nothing to do with how much money your boyfriend should contribute to the home. If you had 5 teenage boys chowing down, maybe there might be some justification for not sharing groceries. However, if he is moving in and going to act like a "husband", then he should expect to pay half of the expenses, and perhaps more if his income is significantly higher than yours. Do not let him move in with this attitude. In fact, from your description of your relationship, I think you should dump him and look for someone more congenial. People do not fight less when living together; they find way more things to disagree about.
This could end our relationship. It's been over a year now since my bf of 2years got his own apt. He "stayed" with me about 6 months prior to getting his own place because he wasn't ready financially. But for over a year now he works full time and makes more money than me. He has an 8 year old daughter for whom he pays $600 a month in child support and his rent is about $500 less than mine. He literally eats, sleeps, watches TV, is on my wifi, and bathes at my home 25 days out of the month. He's got his kid every other weekend only, so he only goes to his apartment those few days he has her. But then he's right back at my place after work using the wifi, watching TV, eating food, taking a shower, etc. Also I rent a house, so I pay for water, electric, and gas. He also will wash his clothes at my place, but has a laundry room at his apartment complex. He will put in $$ on the groceries, but says because he has his own place and pays rent there, that he shouldn't have to help at my place. Am I crazy, or is that bs? He's taking advantage and not even cleaning up or doing things around my house that justifies him to free-load. I also have a 14 year old son, and am a single mom. I get no child support and his father hasn't been in my son's life for 13+ years. What's your advice? I don't think we can be in a relationship anymore, I feel so used.
July 31, 2015
He's been doing this because you have allowed it to happen. Time to put your foot down - the free ride is over for him. How much stress has this been causing you and your child because the child is aware of how the situation is affecting you.
My boyfriend moved into my apartment in 2010. He had agreed to pay his ex wife $ 2000.00 a month. I was not involved in this amount. I had my 2 daughters living with me in a 2 bedroom apartment. His 2 boys would come over every weekend. Since he paid out so much to her I didn't push the issue.
In 2011 he purchased a house in his name. He was to pay 1600.00 of the mortgage and I pay 864.00. At the time his take home was 4000.00. He was giving 2000.00 to her at first and then lowered it to 1600.00. So take the 1600.00 + 1600.00 = 3200.00. He also had a truck payment of 500.00 so we are at 3700.00, and a trailer payment of 132.00. So he is at 3832.00; that leaves 170.00. I am left paying for everything else. I mean everything, including all the food his boys eat every weekend. He still thinks that he does it all, he always says that he pays for everything and is rude and nasty to my kids.
So here is where I am at, he keeps telling me to get out and that he will put my stuff on the front lawn. Can he do that when I have been paying part of his mortgage? I am going to move out, but since I pay for everything else it is hard to save the money. I want to make sure my stuff and my kids' stuff is secure until I can move out. Do I need to have the police present?
February 26, 2015
Lawyer Now! The laws are different everywhere. If you lived together long enough, you may actually have a claim on his house and truck. Get a good divorce specialist.
My fiance and I moved into his house (I own my own home and it is now rented at a loss), with his 3 children who go back and forth between him and their mom every week. They are in elementary school, but I am responsible for their care, i.e., breakfast, packing school lunches, attending school functions, field trips, homework, making dinner, cleaning house, laundry, etc. I have a teenage son who moved in with me and he has a room in the basement and gets very little attention from my fiance.
Here's the big problem: I am disabled and collect SSDI for myself and for my son. It's not a lot of money, but it covers my expenses like car insurance, cell phones, RX plan, vet for my dog, prescriptions, and doc visits; all of which I pay for with my disability money. I have no savings and no retirement funds and I am unable to get life insurance. When I moved in I felt like I needed to contribute financially, so I was giving him $1000 a month, which is half of my entire income. He gave me a credit card that I am allowed to use to buy groceries, take all the kids out to dinner, etc. and even to buy some stuff for myself, although I don't need much, as I stay at home.
Now he is angry that I am refusing to continue giving him any money. He said he doesn't see us getting married in the near future and that we need to live by a budget. BTW, he makes 6 figures and travels a lot, so I care for his kids on many overnights while he is traveling.
Am I crazy to think that I earn my keep by taking care of his kids and the household. He said that obviously he will pay for everything while I contribute nothing. I still need to pay all of my expenses and I have to save some money in case I die and so my kids have something for college and so that I have something to retire with if he will never marry me. His ex is still his beneficiary on his very large life insurance policy and he refuses to add me to his health insurance even though my medicare only covers 80% of my medical expenses.
I can't move out because I rented my home and I moved in with him in a very expensive city where I can't afford even a small apartment. What is up and how do I make him understand my value as an equal partner?
Please help. I love this man, but this seems very strange to me and to all my friends.
I should also mention that we had a wedding planned, which he cancelled and then said he made a mistake. Once I moved in, he said he no longer was ready to get married, but is committed to me and will marry me when he feels he is ready.
By Michelle M.
August 11, 2015
Wouldn't surprise me that he's gone a Honey on the side. He can share his kids with his wife and you so that gives him plenty of time to enjoy a girlfriend. She probably doesn't want his kids - smart lady.
I been living in my boyfriend's house for over 4 years. He is divorced with 3 kids. I quit my job and moved out of my town into his. Because of the girls schedule, we have 50% of the time, I take care of them. We decided then that I wouldn't have to work, and I would stay home and take care of them. Meals, taking and picking up from school, help with homework, med appointments, basically everything a mother does. The ex-wife and I communicate about the children, as the bf (father) chooses not to. That is fine with everybody. He can't afford day care (kids are 10 and twins are 8).
Should I be paying rent or helping out financially even if I don't have a job. I also do the shopping, cleaning, laundry, meals, and bills. I don't mind helping financially, but I'm not sure what is fair? I can only get a job when he isn't at work, and he sometimes works 6 days full time. I have bought the kids clothes and shoes and other things, and I really shouldn't, but he can't always afford to. I have started an at home business, and at first he was supportive, but now he really isn't. It works good for me, because I can work from home. I'm just starting my own business. Should I stay or go? Help with finances or is taking care of his kids a fair swap?
March 25, 2014
You have already given up your entire life for him and his family; and you do more than your share. Whoese idea was it for you to add to the financial expenses, his or yours? If his, he's definitely taking advantage of you; if yours, just drop the idea and bank the money.
If you have a good relationship with the kids and choose to treat them, go ahead and do it. If your relatonship with him is solid and you choose to treat him, great. You are under no obligation to do so, and until you'd get married, if the relatonship fails, you'd be the one walking away with nothing. Take care of yourself too--bank the rest.
My GF of 2 and a half yrs is moving in with me. It was a mutual decision based on us wanting to be together. We are 50 yrs old. She previously had an apartment for which she paid roughly a $1000 a month in rent plus all the utilities that go with an apt (gas, electric, cable, water). I own a home with a $1300 monthly mortgage. Here comes the problem. She agrees to pay half of the utilities, but is having a problem paying anything towards the mortgage. I don't expect her to pay half, but if she pays nothing then she is living rent free which I don't think is right What do you think is fair?
July 15, 2013
Have her split the utilities, but pitch in for groceries 50/50. I would have a problem contributing to a mortgage if my name was not on the deed also. And if you love each other, what's the big deal? I was able to contribute greatly to my families income during the past 25 years, I got sick and now I don't have much financial contribution. My husband loves me and does not care. It's not about the money. Don't nitpick, you might lose her.
By confused23 1
My girlfriend and I have been together for three years. She rents an apartment and I own a house, but it is in foreclosure so I do not pay rent. I stay with her 3 to 4 days a week, not because I have to, but because I want to spend time with her. I help out with food and other things. The question is, how much rent should I pay her and how much for utilities? Also it is a small apartment, where I have not much room for my stuff.
August 6, 2015
Sit down with your girlfriend and discuss the issue. If you are in financial difficulty, you will have to sort that out as well, and there is no time like the present. If this is a serious relationship, you need to sort out the financial issues before you can move forward. Failure to do so can mean disaster in the future. Many relationships fall apart over financial issues.
By Micker44 1
I have been in a long term relationship with my boyfriend, now fiancé, for over 5 years. When we met I loved my life! I was just a simple country girl who didn't want for much. I owned my own 5th wheel, which was my home, along with a nice vehicle, some quads, generators, etc. I didn't have any debt and was content with my life.
When I met Jason and things started getting serious between us I felt it was important to get everything out on the table before we could move to the next level. I told him that at the age of 42, him being 10 years younger than me, that I didn't have the time, energy or the patience to play games at this point in my life. I was happily divorced with 3 grown, very successful children at the time.
I told him that I didn't work a regular 8-5 job, I was a farm girl who made her $ by raising hogs and good money at that. I also told him that if he had any jealousy issues that would be a problem as I am friends with all my exs and most of my friends were males as I grew up a daddy's girl always with the guys hunting and fishing.
Then he said he had only one thing he could see being an issue and that was he worked on the road and was hardly ever home. He said he would like somebody to share that with and that somebody was me. After discussing these things we both agreed these were things we could live with and wouldn't pose a problem down the road.
Fast forward 5 years. I have lost everything I own thanks to him and his reckless, immature ways! He is abusive and controlling. He won't let me help him better our lives as I had been doing. I don't work on the farm anymore, thanks to him, or have another job. He was financially taking care of me and had no problem with it until I got diagnosed with cancer 9 months ago. Now he expects me to get a job and won't give me his paychecks as he always did. He is careless and very irresponsible with $ leaving bills unpaid and priorities un-met. We lost our home and now live with his father. That was almost 2 years ago.
I don't know what to do anymore and it is impossible to try to reason with him. When I bring up the agreement we had 5 years ago he tells me that he changed his mind and that's not the way it should be or will be anymore. Yet when I struggled being on the road for almost 3 years straight and I missed my family he told me to deal with it. He said he told me that was his job and didn't want to hear it again. I don't know what to do anymore. He doesn't want to hear anything I have to say, it's his way or no way! Please help.
May 10, 2015
Get out and get out now! You did not need him before and he is useless to you now! Use your strength to fight your cancer instead of fighting with him! You are in my prayers.
I rent a home at $ 1,200 a month plus expenses of $220 or so for utilities, not including food, gas, etc. She has kids grown and not living with her. She moved in and for 4 months paid nothing, then asked what I expected. I looked at her salary, about 27 K, mine is 40K, and I asked for $400 plus 1/2 electric and water per month. She claims this is not "normal" or fair. I am wondering what others think? What is fair for outside expenses, dinner, travel expenses together, etc.? I didn't split things down the middle for rent based on the difference in income and think it is very fair. What is fair way to to share home and other expenses? Thoughts?
July 31, 2015
Did she state she should pay less when she said unfair or not enough? If she was your wife would you expect the same? I gather you are getting "wifey" priveleges.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 18 months. He is 37 and I am 46. He was separated when we met and is now nearing the end of a very expensive divorce. He is from India and I am American.
We met and got together on the West Coast and last summer he had to move to the East Coast for a new job. His visa is dependent on his employment status so there was little choice in taking the job, as it was not only a big step up, but also a very secure position in his IT field. We did not want to be apart, so last August we made the move across country together.
I have been out of work for some time due to a back injury, so we agreed that at least until I was able to retrain for a new job through Vocational Rehab, that he would be the breadwinner and I would take care of us at home. This has actually worked out for the most part, as we both are primarily comfortable with more traditional gender roles in the relationship. He is a brilliant man, very high maintenance and complex, an artist, and an engineer. Together we are sort of the classic masculine/feminine archetype. He loves to go out and conquer the world and I am comfortable being very grounded in homemaking.
Although he makes a very good salary, because of the financial strain of his divorce, we live on an extremely tight budget. He provides me with enough monthly resources to cover our food and gas and and not a lot more. We have one car, his car, which we share. I am going to begin retraining for VocRehab in the next few months, but in the meantime I am not working outside the house. I have learned to cook and eat only Indian food, because it's the only thing he is content with. I take care of our home entirely, he does not lift a finger. I iron his shirts and pants for work every day and see to it basically that all his needs are met. When we arrived here, with only boxes and no furniture, I gradually, over the course of 3-4 months managed to almost completely furnish our apartment with thrift store furniture, linens, dishes, and other household items. I stripped, sanded, and refinished dressers for the bedroom and decorated the entire space with beautiful secondhand fabrics and curtains I made myself. We do not have a bed. We are still sleeping on two 3 inch foam mattresses on the floor because he feels he can't afford the expense at this point. This is a challenge for me with the back injury, but I have accepted it.
I love this man, and I can really manage to deal with most of what I have described, but here is my issue. When we argue, which lately has been frequently because he is working such long hours, he will blurt out in anger at some point, "Well, just get the f* out of my house then!" This just rubs me the wrong way. I feel that this is my home, even though I do not contribute financially, in every other way I am the one who has created and now maintains this home for us both. I cater to his every whim, lovingly for the most part, because he works so hard and I value his contribution to us. I am friend and lover and mother all rolled into one. And here I am in a new place, in 10 degree weather with snow, having left all my friends and family behind to be with him in love and devotion, and he says this to me as if I am some transient person he brought in off the street. I'm pissed, and insulted, and I am seriously questioning if this is the situation I really want to be in. The emotions run deep here for me, and I don't want to be a self-righteous. I really just want to get some clear perspective on all of it. I would like to hear some reasonable input. Thank you!
March 7, 2015
Abigal has some very good advice regarding the differences in culture and the attitudes Indian men have toward women. There is a lot in the news now about rapes in India, and the awful sexist attitude blaming the women. This should give you some idea of cultural attitudes. You have gone out of your way to "take care of him", and have accommodated him in virtually every way. If he does not value this, then perhaps it is better to find this out now, and cut your loses. He is not likely to respect you more as time goes on, if he does not respect your contribution now.
You might also find out if you have any legal rights in this common law relationship. Here where I live in Saskatchewan, Canada, if a couple co-habits for two years as man and wife (as you have done for 18 months), they are considered to have the same rights and responsibilities as if they were legally married. The fact that he was already married to someone else would mean nothing here. You would be entitled to a share of his property and assets, savings, etc. Since he may not have much, this may not figure much into the problem, but you should find out.
If you are not ready to chuck the whole business, perhaps you and he could go for counseling; if he won't go, go on your own, as it will help you clarify what you want to do.
My friend and I have been living together for 12 or so years. When I moved in I was doing temp work, but contributing to food and cable and smaller but important expenses.
There was a time over a few years that I would work and/or collect unemployment, but not pay rent. I kept a running total of what I owed him and when I started a long-term temp job I started paying him what I felt was a reasonable rent plus $300 a month and he would get the extra for the 3 paycheck months. During this time I have also payed for 90% of the groceries. He said he would stop taking any extra money once he got his debt under control which I was perfectly fine with.
A couple of weeks ago he mentioned something about not paying any money on a credit card that is mine, but that he uses because there in no interest. I brought up that he should not be using my card anymore and reminded him that he was going to stop my extra payments to him.
My debt is paid now and I told him I felt I was paying too much and he just went off. He reminded me that he had taken care of a couple of emergencies and I reminded him that I pay the groceries plus what I pay him and at the end of the month there is hardly any money for me. I wasn't asking for a free ride, I just want our expenses to be paid equally. He gets mad because I am not saving money for a downpayment on a car, but when I told him I can't pay him and save money he just gets so mad.
I worked it out and over the past 3 1/2 years (I finally got the job permanently) I have paid him almost 60K, yes, that is 60 thousand dollars. So, do I give him actual numbers? When I ask for the bills so that we split them, he gets mad which makes me think that they aren't as high as he told me. When I bring up the subject now he just says pay what you want or don't pay at all and he now says that he won't eat any of "my" food anymore unless he pays me back for it. I feel like a whipped dog, but I am not going to give in for a situation where I know for a fact that I am right.
January 1, 2015
Oh, by the way, nobody should be using your credit card but you!
I'm 31, in a relationship with a 47 year old man with a 14 year old daughter. I have no children. We are looking to rent a place together, and would eventually buy a house together.
I have a fixed income, he does too, they are fairly similar, but he has his own company that he owns with his ex, and is in the process of selling 2 properties he owns with his ex, so he has savings and also has earnings from being the co-owner of the company. I on the other hand am paying off student loans.
I was wondering the following: for the immediate future, I will be moving to his city so he can stay near his daughter, we will rent a place with an extra room for his daughter. Here, I think it's no problem to split the rent half/half, it's just one extra room and I love his daughter. However, do I also pay for her to join us on holidays? Sometimes she also brings a friend so it doubles the costs. And what about groceries and eating out when she joins us, should I just pay for myself or is it more fair for him if we share in the expenses for the care for his daughter? He pays alimony as she is with her mom most of the time.
Eventually we would want to buy a place together, but whilst he will have a fair amount of money in the bank from selling his properties, I have student loans I'm still paying off, and would, if I'm lucky, be able to get a loan to pay for 1/4th of the kind of place he'd have in mind (he has far higher standards than me).
I want to be able to build a future for myself, so I don't want to pay rent to contribute to his mortgage, I want to own a place, not just keep throwing money into a hole in the ground (aka paying rent), but what good would owning 1/4th of a place really do me? Would I be better off buying a small studio I could afford and renting it out and then using that rent to pay for the house we'd share? Then at least I'd own my own little place and not 1/4th of a large place. I'd want a situation that's fair to both of us and good for his daughter.
By Anja K
January 1, 2015
If you're just renting a house with him, you don't technically have to pay any of his daughter's expenses- but you should. You won't get any respect as a member of the family until you start to pitch in financially. You'll just be "Dad's girlfriend" or "Dad's roommate." This puts you at sort of a second-class citizen status in the household, and you'll feel it.
As far as buying a house is concerned, you're already in debt. Adding to that debt is a bad idea. Your financial freedom is paramount. Messing up here could ruin your future, and that's no joke.
Buying a place to rent out: Where do I start? People will trash the place, and can skip town owing you many months back rent. The eviction process, even for non-payers, takes an insane amount of time. Imagine not being able to pay on the house for months because the renters refused to pay YOU, and the eviction process is taking forever.
You'd owe all taxes on the property and be responsible for all repairs as the landlord. This includes replacing everything in it when it is trashed by a hoarder or used as a meth lab.
Pay off the loan you already have while putting money aside for your OWN future. This is going to be hard enough as it is without adding any extra obligation on your finances.
People give renting a bad rap, saying it's just throwing money down the drain. But it isn't. It gives you a roof over your head without obligating you financially. That's more than you think it is.
My boyfriend and I want to move in together. He says that he is "uncomfortable" with the idea of me being on the mortgage or the deed to the home. We've been together for three years. While I understand where he is coming from, I on the other hand am "uncomfortable" paying on a mortgage for a home that I'm not tied to. I myself want to own a home too. I haven't looked into buying a home because we have talked about moving in together.
We have five children between us and need a large home. I couldn't afford to buy a house big enough for all of us, but he can. He offered to have me help with the bills like utilities for an agreed amount of time until I was comfortable paying towards the mortgage. It's a nice gesture, but that won't make me feel any more comfortable. It seems as though he has this "what if this doesn't work out" mentality. I feel like I am being forced to think like that too now. If it doesn't work out I'm out on my bum with nothing and have to start over. Any advice?
April 5, 2014
This is certainly a tricky issue. You boyfriend is certainly not thinking that you are moving in with him for life, as if you were getting married. You need to find out what the law is in your state/province. Here in Saskatchewan, a couple that lives together for two years are considered to be married under common law, and whether your name was on the mortgage or not, you would own a share of the house. How much might depend on how much of the house he had paid for before you moved in (if he has been paying on this house for 10 years before you moved in, you would likely not be entitled to half the value of the house, you see).
Anyway, I think you should consult a lawyer about this arrangement, or at the very least try and find out what the law is. You could consider your contribution to the mortgage "rent", but I would certainly make sure your financial records clearly show who contributes what to the family home and its upkeep. I am also a believer in keeping separate bank accounts. My ex husband and I did that for our entire marriage. Our marriage did not suffer from money issues. We discussed and agreed upon our various financial responsibilities.
By Vanessa F. 1
My boyfriend has lost his home and is livng in a run down rental of his own. I know he is having financial problems, but he doesn't discuss them with me. He doesn't know I know he lost his house. He spends every night at my house and leaves in the morning when I do. He is a licensed realtor, but has not been doing a lot to get any new listings. He has been delivering firewood to make money. I buy all the groceries and pay all the bills, I own the house and pay the mortgage. I have not asked him for any money to cover his half of the food or utilities; I keep waiting for him to offer. I get up in the morning and make coffee and either cook breakfast or have cereal. When I get home from work, I cook dinner. He doesn't even offer to do the dishes. I do love him and he would probably help me with the chores if I asked and give me $ too. I guess the problem is I do not know how to approach the subject with him. I do his laundry too. How can I discuss this tactfully with him?
December 3, 2014
Please go back and read what you wrote.
How can a Realtor have no house unless he wants it that way? Seems like he finds living with you more convenient. After all, you are his "maid"- with benefits! You do his cooking, his cleaning, and on top of everything you foot the bill!
A real man would offer to pay his fair share up front, or at least as much as he possibly can. You wouldn't have to ask.
Seems like hauling wood is a good excuse to do a minimum of work that's mostly driving so he can say he works, but not enough to justify moving out or paying anything substantial.
Apparently you've convinced yourself you love this freeloader. Ah, what wishful thinking won't do. You knew what to do before you even asked the question.
My girlfriend and I have been on and off for 5 years and have recently started taking marriage classes. We are talking about moving back in together so we can save money for a wedding. I pay $400 a month where I'm at. She pays $878 in rent plus another $500 in car and utility bills.
I have a son who wants to move in with me this summer. She is aware that I want custody of both of my kids. If we get married I expect us to be a family. She has a decent relationship with my kids, but had never wanted to take them anywhere or volunteer to bond with them.
Now I have been looking for places to stay for us, but I expect her to pay half the rent and utilities if we move in which will be less than what she pays now and it will be more than what I pay. She says that she shouldn't have to pay half because they are not her kids and she is not financially responsible for them. I didn't ask her to be financially responsible for them, her saying that makes me very nervous. if we get married she will be the stepmother and it doesn't seem like that's the title she wants. I'm not asking her to pay for their clothes, meals, or the collage fund. Please give me some insight.
April 15, 2015
Personally, I do not think that you should be contemplating marrying someone who is not interested in being a family with your children. The sharing of the finances is simply a symptom of the bigger issue. Since you are taking marriage classes, hopefully this is an issue that you will discuss, although I think you know the answer already.
The age of your children is also a factor. If they are very young, you will have them in your charge and in your "family home" for many years, and they deserve to have a loving step-mom, someone who does bond with them and who will be mom to them, even though they will also have a biological mom.
If they are teenagers, they may not be interested in another "mom", but they should be friends with your new wife, and she should be willing to assume some responsibility for them since she will be a responsible adult living in the same house with them. She will want them to treat her with respect and politeness, but she will have to be willing to accept them as part of her family.
The financial arrangements depend on many things. If it is you and your two children, you should likely pay a larger share. However, it also depends on how much you both make. If there is a great disparity in your salaries, then the one who has the larger salary would pay a greater amount.
This is all stuff that you need to discuss and come to an agreement on before you begin co-habitation. If you can't solve it now, you will never solve it, and your marriage will not have a chance of succeeding. Money problems are the cause of most marriage breakdowns. Stepchildren are also a cause. If you can't come to an agreement before moving in together, it is unlikely to get any better.
My partner is 40 years old and was a full time student. She graduated 8 months ago and has been looking for work, but will only take a full time job in her field. I bought us a home 6 months ago and she agreed to buy the food and pay the bills. She has still yet to find a job, but gets $900 per month from her ex husband. It costs me around $3,800 a month to run the house. She gives me between $150-$300 a month, this doesn't seem fair to me, as I share a room with her, but she refuses to budge on it. I was expecting the bills to be paid, but she says it is unfair for me to expect anything more. I feel like I am paying for her kids and they have a dad and mom. Anytime I bring it up it turns into a war, not good.
February 8, 2015
I notice we are not quite as harsh with this poster as we are when the genders in the question are reversed. If you were a woman, and your partner was a man, we would be counseling you to "throw the bum out". However, I am thinking that if you can not get her to get a job and pay her fair share, you seriously need to consider ending the relationship, unless you are prepared to carry her and her children forever. If that is not what you are looking to do, you seriously need to look at visiting accountants or laying down ultimatums with regard to sharing of expenses.
I own my home. It is a big home where I live with my four kids. I have lived here with them for 10 years. The last 8 years I have been alone with the children in this home. I have been dating someone for a while who has one daughter. We are considering moving together and I have a hard time figuring out what is fair.
My partner keeps referring to the fact that he doesn't feel at home in my house. I have provided his daughter with a room which she uses everytime she comes over, which is 5-10 nights a month right now. He has never contributed to household expenses as of yet even if he has been staying over for the past two years. I have never been to his place as it is much too small for us. Is he supposed to feel at home in my house when he doesn't live here and doesn't contribute to household expenses?
I have a very large mortgage on this house which I pay for on my own. I am stressed financially with the burden of supporting the house and a small cottage that my partner has also used for the past two years with his daughter. My partner pays for some food sometimes. When he comes over for a weekend with her he almost always brings a meal for all 7 of us, but he has never contributed towards any other house or cottage expense. Aside from the meals he brings, I pay for everything else, all the little things that are normally consumed in a house. Is this correct? I am feeling a little frustrated with the situation. Am I unreasonable?
The other issue is the arrangement we will choose as we discuss him moving in. He wishes to pay rent, but what he is suggesting is just a fraction of the value of what living in this house costs. In my view, renting does not give him equal rights to the house. As an example, I feel he thinks that it would be acceptable to discuss the room arrangements. Two of my kids share a room upstairs, and the other two have their own rooms also upstairs. The room I have been providing for his daughter is in the basement. (There are two rooms in the a basement that is completely finished and has a complete bathroom.) Is it acceptable for him to ask my kids to change rooms? His daughter is 11. This makes me resent him, as to me it feels completely unreasonable that he can expect to demand changes that affect my children if he pays rent. It is my house and he proposes to pay some rent; does that entitle him to make demands that impact my children?
January 21, 2015
If the situation is as you describe it, you are not being treated fairly. I certainly don't see any reason why you are paying for a place for this man to live. That is insane. Stop it at once. Does he not have a job? I expect that somehow all the decisions that you made in the past made sense at the time, but now you are in a bit of a pickle because of them. These sorts of situations point out the flaws of "moving in together" as opposed to "marriage". Marriage provides a legal framework for living. In my province here in Canada, a couple that lives together for 2 years have the same rights and obligations as a couple that was married. You should check into the laws in your state.
I think that if he is moving in with you, the "rent" that he pays should be roughly equal to half the cost of running the household, especially if his salary is roughly the same as yours. If you are living together, with children, then you assuming the role of a married couple with children, and things should be shared equally. If you are not prepared to make this level of commitment, than I don't think you should let him move in. Nor do I think that he should just get to continue to behave like a "guest" in your house. The present arrangement, where he stays over a lot (most of the time?) and his daughter is there about 1/3 of the time requires a lot more financial commitment than he has been providing. He appears to be a freeloader. I'm sorry if this sounds nasty, but from your description, that is what it sounds like.
Does he do chores around the house? Take care of your car? Mow the lawn? Clean out the eavestroughs? Put up the Christmas lights? Vacuum the living room? Prepare meals? Garden? Shovel the sidewalks and driveway? Paint the livingroom? Clean the bathrooms? Do laundry? There are all sorts of things that you must consider.
With regard to his daughter, it seems to me that your kids, who have lived in this house for 10 years, get dibs on the rooms that they want. They should not have to move to accommodate the newcomer. At the moment she is a guest. If, (and I would seriously rethink this) this fellow moves in, and you get all the other issues straightened out, then she should have her choice of the vacant bedrooms. As a kid who is almost a teenager, I would think that she might like the basement rooms, with a bathroom all to herself. I know that was always the prime real estate in my home with my sons. You might also discuss the whole room situation with your own children first, before deciding. Perhaps your older ones would like those basement rooms.
You have much to consider, but as it stands, to an outsider, you are carrying far too much of the financial responsibility for this relationship. Are you being treated fairly? No.
My boyfriend and I are moving in together. We have a 1 year old son and I have a 5 year old daughter. He bought a home last year and I bought one this year. The decision to move in together was made after our homes were purchased. He has found renters for his home so his mortgage (and more) is taken care of. We are planning on getting married in the next couple years.
He keeps saying he has no problem helping with the utilities, but I think he should help with the mortgage. Yes he is contributing to my equity, but as a result of living with me his home is gaining equity without him paying anything. What should I do and how should I approach this?
January 8, 2015
If you are putting your boyfriend's name on the house deeds then yes, he should pay half. Of course he should pay his way... food, bills, entertainment, etc. but I don't see why he should have to pay for your house.
My boyfriend moved in with me 6 months ago. I am a student and he is the owner of an organization. We share all the expenses. When we go shopping it is the same, but he eats twice or thrice my portion. Sometimes my parents have to send me money for upkeep with which I pay my part of rent. Do you think that's fair?
By Bryt M
March 30, 2014
There are many things to consider. Do you share cooking, laundry, cleaning and other chores equally? Is one person providing all of the furniture in the place, and is that your boyfriend? Each person contributing an equal amount is the usual way that room mates would divvy up expenses, but an arrangement between a couple might be more equitable if each person contributed according to their ability to do so. When my adult son was living with me, and earning money, I asked him to contribute 1/3 of the living expenses, as he was making much less than I was. He ate more than I did, but he did chores I couldn't do, such as shoveling snow off of the roof. If you feel hard done by, you need to have a talk with your boyfriend.
Should I contribute to my partner's mortgage if his house is going to his four kids when he dies? We are getting married and he wants a pre-nup that says his kids get the house, yet I am contributing and could be for years. Or should I just be paying my half?
By Denise L
October 20, 2013
Lousy deal for you! Don't pay a penny toward that house, but instead open a savings account in your name only and contribute monthly. You'll need it when he dies and leaves you homeless. I'm thinking you two need some serious counseling before you make a commitment to him. I would personally be insulted if a man tried to make a deal like that with me. Fortunately, I've been married for 43 years to a wonderful man who would never treat me like that. Think about it, please.