RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
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By janet from toronto, ontario (Guest Post)
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Sounds familiar.
If we are to be so guarded in what we say, should we not speak.
Trust in God that when the right time comes around, he will give u comfort to show u what to do. Sometimes there is nothing we can do. Apologize once, then twice, then again, that is plenty. What u said might be hitting a sore spot with her, because she knows that maybe u were right. She should see her Doctor. Please continue who u are,
but u must see her again. If she choses to be upset, just hand her a little note to say sorry again, but this is definitely the last time . I know u must feel badly. We have all done and said things we wish we could take back.
God Bless
Janet
Posted on 09/04/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
I am so glad to hear things have gotten better sometimes time is the best answer of all
thanks you for updating us on the situation
Posted on 09/04/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
WOW! What responses and support my Thrifty Fun friends have given me. Things are getting better between Carmen and myself. I sent her an e-card about sticking my big foot in my mouth. (no response) Last Sunday she was teaching SS, so I didn't get a chance to try and talk to her. This past Sun. however we did cross paths. I went up to her and asked "Well, Carmen, are we talking to each other yet?" She said Yah, but this isn't a good time. My kids are giving me fits!"I just said OK and patted her on the shoulder. Then I said "I love you",and went on my way. This gives me hope and encouragement. I can see God is working in both our lives. Thank you again for all your love and support. I love you guys too! Judy in Alabama
Posted on 09/04/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
The few periods thing can be a symptom of a disease.
Anorexia and underweight, can cause periods to go away, but AFAIK overweight in itself doesn't do that. There is, however, a disease that causes both overweight and fewer periods. Maybe she should see a doctor?
(and then there's the whole psychological issue, how do you help somebody without coming across as rude)
Posted on 09/01/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
Sounds like she has some other issues going on. I would let it go be nice on Sunday and hope it blows over. Good luck
Posted on 09/01/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
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By suzi_homemaker01 (Guest Post)
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I, too think you should go and apologize in person. Keep it simple. say sorry and that you want things to be the same as they were. I think she will be relieved as I bet she's embarrassed herself maybe overeacting like this. She felt like she was being attacked and she fought back. You already know she had a headache! Haha! Go before Sunday so all is calm at church. I am sure it will be fine!
Posted on 08/30/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
Separate issues. The fact that she uses the Lord's name loosely is not your business. It's her business. You are not the judge.
Possibly you have been overly outspoken and judgemental before to her. This may be a cumulative reaction to your commentary or reputation.
Think about it.
Possibly you could use your unsolicited comments regarding others a little less loosely.
If the shoe were on the other foot, how would you feel mollified?
I am guessing that when you apologize, take whatever she says humbly and let her get it off her chest. And then she will feel less upset.
Posted on 08/27/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
People don't often take an apology well when they're angry and embarrassed. Now that some time has passed, maybe she can look at the situation with a more open mind and can tell the apology was sincere (it might have looked like you were trying to look good in front of others at the time). Try apologizing to her again with a handwritten note or card. The time it takes to make that kind of gesture shows you really mean it and it means neither of you have to feel awkward about it because you won't be face-to-face and because you'll be able to look over what you're saying instead of hoping it all comes out well in person.
Posted on 08/24/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
I think we all have at one time or another whether intentionally or not placed our foot in our mouth and said something we didn't really mean to say. perhaps with time she will realize this too. maybe having a third party talk to her would help?
I hope it all works out for you
Posted on 08/24/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
Adding my 2¢ worth, for what it's worth. I think that sending flowers to work, or taking a bouquet to church are not good ideas. In my opinion, that would be making the problem public; inviting others to ask what the flowers are for. "Oh, is it your birthday?" "No, she was just rude to me and trying to make up." Or, "No, I'm fat and depressed and she's trying to cheer me up."
Posted on 08/24/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
Hi Judy,
As I was reading your description of this lady, I immediately related to her. The headaches, obesity and disrupted cycle all point to a medical condition called "Polycystic Ovary Syndrome". I have had this condition for over twenty years. These are not the only symptoms. She is probably struggling with infertility, high blood pressure, dark hair growing where it shouldn't, and possibly borderline diabetes.
Take some time to read about it online and you will get some understanding of the condition. It might help you to understand why she could be a little bit "short" with you, or a bit touchy about comments regarding her weight/cycle/body image, etc.
She is suffering and needs people to build her up and encourage her. She needs to know she is more valuable than just the way she looks in the mirror. She already feels like she doesn't measure up. She certainly doesn't feel normal. Try and be the one to point out her good points.
Feel free to contact me directly about it. I think you can contact me via my profile. I've blogged about this condition extensively over the years.
Regards,
Anna.
PS: It affects about one in five women in varying degrees - far more common than you realize.
Posted on 08/24/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
Hi Judy,
As I was reading your description of this lady, I immediately related to her. The headaches, obesity and disrupted cycle all point to a medical condition called "Polycystic Ovary Syndrome". I have had this condition for over twenty years. These are not the only symptoms. She is probably struggling with infertility, high blood pressure, dark hair growing where it shouldn't, and possibly borderline diabetes.
Take some time to read about it online and you will get some understanding of the condition. It might help you to understand why she could be a little bit "short" with you, or a bit touchy about comments regarding her weight/cycle/body image, etc.
She is suffering and needs people to build her up and encourage her. She needs to know she is more valuable than just the way she looks in the mirror. She already feels like she doesn't measure up. She certainly doesn't feel normal. Try and be the one to point out her good points.
Feel free to contact me directly about it. I think you can contact me via my profile. I've blogged about this condition extensively over the years.
Regards,
Anna
PS: It affects about one in five women in varying degrees - far more common than you realize.
Posted on 08/24/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
It is not your fault that your sister in Christ won't forgive you. You have done all you can to try to rectify the situation. Now you just need to let it go and that too is hard. I believe in time it will settle down but in the meantime, perhaps praying for your sister would be best. Once again, in this situation you have done all you can. If she won't forgive you, then you can't make her. Just let God deal with her.
Posted on 08/23/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
Judy
No one is perfect, and we all are forgiven. Still a work in progress, and God isn't finished with any of us until we go home to be with him. So forgive yourself, and if you admitted your mistake and asked for her forgiveness then she will have to decide what she can live with. We don't have to be friends with everyone, even if we are all Christians, so let it go, and let God continue to do his work.
You weren't wrong in letting her know you were offended by her using the Lord's name in vain.
The comment about the weight; well, it seems you have learned from that mistake. Keep praying for wisdom. I have a very strong personality. I offend without meaning to, and can be opinionated about things.
God made me who I am, and I can't change my personality, but I am learning to think more before I speak; and to offer apology's when necessary.
God loves you both, and give it up to him.
Posted on 08/23/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
Hi Judy
I do understand as I can be very outspoken at times and sometimes it upsets people in ways we do not think they are going to react. I would send her a card in the mail, something simple, just apologizing once more and saying you don't want this to cause problems between you and her or anyone else at the church. If she still keeps acting the way she is, I agree with the other woman who said you might want to talk to the pastor. You can't let things get too out of control and it sounds like you enjoy being there and don't want have to be upset every time you go and I'm sure she doesn't either. We all make mistakes and we all have to be the better person and apologize once in a while. I think she owes you an apology too, but I don't think you will get one and you will just have to let that go. Best of luck to you and I hope things work out.
Posted on 08/23/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
As everyone else has said all you can do is apologize. I would greet her on Sunday and say that you are sorry for what happened on that night and then get on with your life. If she chooses not to accept the apology, it is on her head not yours. Really this has nothing else to do with anyone else except you and this lady. If she gossips, don't be dragged in. I speak from personally experience on this one. Good luck and God please. Go to church with confidence that you have tried to make amends, if she doesn't want to accept the apology this is between her and God. If you keep apologizing she is using guilt on you and that is not fair.
Posted on 08/23/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
Judy
We've all blown it from time to time. First thing to do is PRAY about how you should handle this and then do what needs to be done. Don't wait.
Call her immediately and apologize. Don't say anything that could be misconstrued as "She misunderstood you" etc. Take all the blame. Ask for her forgiveness and even if she is unable to give it to you continue to treat her as a Christian sister (WWJD!) SHe is probably embarrassed about her weight and the fact that she over reacted. God forgives you EVEN if she doesn't. Now you just have to forgive yourself. Good Luck and report back to us! I'll be praying for you both.
Diana
Posted on 08/23/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
All good advice and the worm can be turned as well. You don't need that type of friend who won't forgive and needs to make a public big deal out of something. I feel you have done what you can do. Leave it go. Go to the gatherings and enjoy the company of others and let her do her own thing. You don't need her to complete yourself.
Posted on 08/23/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
I have been outspoken myself in the past. There are a couple of things that I might add to the other post; Sometimes when we're dealing with sensitive people, nothing will undo what happened. My suggestion is that perhaps sending the lady a bouquet of flowers to her at work would help. If you made your statements publicly, then apologize publicly. If she still refuses to forgive you, then you've done all you can and the ball is in her court, so to speak.
Should she be so inclined to "gossip" about you and your mistake, then live your life so that others will see what a loving individual you are and those words will fall in infertile ground.
Posted on 08/23/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
Dear Judy. You have received some great advice, so I wonder if there is much more that I can add. However I was thinking perhaps you could take a bunch of flowers with you to Church next time (from your garden or nothing expensive) and give them to her when you see her with an apology. If she throws them to the ground and stomps off, leave it to Heaven, and just try to be a little more discreet the next time.
I have a work Boss who says very insulting things at times, not about my work, but about other things; once there was a function that I said I wouldn't be going to and she said 'Why? Don't you have nice enough clothes? I'm also an actor in a local theater group and once she said to me 'But you're not really a PROFESSIONAL actor are you?" Thing is she never even thinks she's being rude.
Good luck, I do hope things will work out.
Posted on 08/23/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
Judy, I can understand how you feel because, believe me, I cannot seem to help my big mouth and it has cost me a couple of "friendships". You apologized and that's all you can do. Some people are just overly sensitive. I am fat and I know I am fat. Why should a fat person be surprised if someone notices that they are fat?? Beats me. And if you are at a church function, why on Earth would you even THINK of using the Lord's name carelessly? If I knew your friend I would tell her these things- Hence my big mouth!!
Luckily I know who my real friends are. They know that I will always give my opinion. They can do with it what they wish, if anything. Cheer up! You were not trying to be hateful. God Bless and Good Luck!
Posted on 08/23/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
Maybe you could talk to your pastor about this. I've put both feet in my mouth from time to time, and I find that a sincere apology, the sooner the better, works best. And if that doesn't do it, ask for help - from your God and your pastor, since it happened at your church.
Posted on 08/23/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
So sorry.
You were in the right to talk to the lady about her language, just probably not the right time. You hit her with two whammies at once. As a very overweight woman myself, I find it offensive when people associate every symptom I have with my weight. Sometimes a headache is just a headache. Without being gossipy, can you talk to another woman who was witness to this all and get her advice as to how to handle it? God bless.
Posted on 08/23/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
Sounds like you were both in the wrong at the time but just let go.
When you meet at Church, hug as normal and apologise, then leave it at that.
You both owe it to your friends to be civil, you don't have to like each other but you need to get on with things without making your friends feel uncomfortable.
Posted on 08/23/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
Remember to let it GO. God has forgiven you and now you must forgive yourself. It seems to me by her "wanting to be just civil" is keeping you on the hook, which shouldn't be, between
sisters in Christ.
Posted on 08/22/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
Talk to the Lord about it. Go to her face to face before Sunday and apologize. You could take a mutual friend with you. While with her Pray together. Remember the Lord's Prayer, If we don't forgive others God will not forgive us. Once you have sincerely apologized then let it GO. She in turn may feel horrible about the way she "blew it too" and be ready to accept your apology. IF NOT then the onus is on her to forgive. On Sunday just treat her friendly. She must not have gone to the church very long or she would not use the Lord's name in vain. I have done similar myself. My great Uncle married an Indian woman. The reserve was not far from the city they lived in. For some unknown reason as a kid I would invariably say something about the Indians. My brother who was 8 years old and bored, wanted to go outside and play when finishing dinner at their place. I spoke up and said, No you can't go out to play " the Indians will get you". As it was coming out of my mouth I knew it was too late. My great aunt was a wonderful Christian woman who I loved very much.
She's been gone now over 25 years and my brother & I still get a laugh about that incident. Auntie Virgie got a chuckle too back then.
Posted on 08/22/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
I want to thank everyone who responded to my plea for help. The funny thing about the weight issue is that I am also fat! ( not as heavy as she but way overweight ) I just really blew it. she says she can't be friends with someone who can't respect her feelings. She wants us to be"Civil" at church and that I should act as if she wasn't there. She says she forgives me because God says she has to, but doesn't want to associate with me any more than necessary.----Pretty harsh !! I think I will take your advice and just love her "in the Lord ".Perhaps there will come a day when she will forgive me in her heart. Thanks again. Love you guys and love Thrifty Fun !! Judy in Alabama
Posted on 08/22/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
I would talk to the Lord about it. Then I would go to her face to face before Sunday and apologize. Remember the Lord's Prayer. If we don't forgive our enemies God won't forgive us. It doesn't sound that she has gone to church very long or she wouldn't use the Lord's name in vain.
By now she may feel horrible about what she said also.
Apologize sincerely and then let it GO. Treat her friendly from then on. You have done what you had to do Now it is up to her to also forgive.
Posted on 08/22/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
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By Sharon,ky (Guest Post)
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People are extremely sensitive about weight problems, and that's an area I wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole! As Christians we need to continuously be aware of the importance of what we say to others and how it will be taken by them. My Mother was in her 80s and still in church when a longtime friend made an offensive comment about one of our family members. The lady even called to apologize and Mom refused to accept her apology. Mother refused to go back to the church she'd went to all her adult life, and actually died with bitterness in her heart for her longtime best friend. I'm not saying this to be mean but you don't want a situation like this on your conscience. Don't wait until Sunday to right a wrong. Approach her face to face and apologize for prying in her business. Then you have done all you can do. As for her offensive MOUTH, in a kind way do tell her that as a Christian you find it offensive to use God's name in vain. You do have the right to let her know she's wrong in that. Do the scrapbooking classes start out with prayer? If not maybe you need to suggest that. "LET THE WORDS OF MY MOUTH AND THE MEDITATIONS OF MY HEART BE ACCEPTABLE IN THY SIGHT, OH LORD MY STRENGTH AND MY REDEEMER."
Posted on 08/22/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
If I were in this position I would attempt one more verbal apology. Sometimes it is hard to instantly let go of our anger and forgive one another without having time to calm down and reflect. She has probably had time to realize you were truly sorry for offending her. If you could take her aside before the service without making a scene and apologize one more time you may find her receptive. If she chooses to stay angry at you there is really nothing more you can do other then act as nice and friendly to her as you always have. Also it is important to not forget the power of prayer!
Posted on 08/22/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
You said you apologized to her at the time. I would leave it at that.
Next time you see her, greet her warmly (don't overdo it!) and act like nothing happened.
She either will calm down and accept your original apology or she won't. She's probably embarrassed about her outburst.
In these kinds of situations, you have to look at your intent. From you description it doesn't appear that you intended to be mean or unkind.
That said, I think your timing in suggesting she pipe down about the using God's name wasn't the best. She thinks she's above reproach so the best thing you can do is go along to get along.
Put it behind you -- just be polite and pleasant-- and maybe look for a new group to hang out with or spend less time with this set if this incident doesn't blow over soon.
Posted on 08/22/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
Judy,
I find written apologies to be impersonal - either hand written or in email. It takes a strong person to apologize face to face, and I respect that. I would greet her at church with your usual hug, and whisper to her "I am so sorry for what happened the other night. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me" - and then go on from there.
I know when I am not feeling well (you said she had a headache) I have a VERY short fuse. She might have had other things going on that you were unaware of that contributed to her losing her temper.
I hope you can all work it out.
Posted on 08/22/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with Misunderstandings When Outspoken
We as Christians make mistakes, it's inevitable. You can only do your part and hope that she will be able to see that you are sorry and forgive you. You must give her the grace to be as she is, taking the Lord's name in vain might bother you but only by example can we lead other's closer to God.
You are right, your comment was hurtful and rude. She knows she is overweight, she knows that her periods or lack of are from her weight, she doesn't need anyone else to point it out. We (I being very overweight at one time) like to think that if we blend in, no one will see our weight and when someone points it out, it's very hurtful. All you can do, is apologize for your comments (verbal or a nice handwritten note) then leave it at that.
We are taught not to gossip Proverbs 18:21 "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat it's fruit" So if someone comes to you with the "gossip" tell them "that is a matter between me and her, I'd like to keep it that way" or something closer to the belt depending on who you are talking with. If this "gets all over church" then something isn't right.
A email apology isn't appropriate, a handwritten and mailed note would be good. If she doesn't accept your apology then it's her issue, you musn't beg any angry person to love you, then it's not real. All you can do is love her as your sister in Christ and know that He will take care of it in the end.
Good luck!
P.S. Our words we must also pick carefully, but when we pick the wrong piece of fruit we can do 2 things, either throw it on the ground and forget about it, or take off the bad part and use the good parts. All you can do is cut off the bad part (apologize) and see what good part of the fruit is left.
Posted on 08/22/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
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