I need a little advice here. I have a daughter-in-law who is due with our first grandchild. She grew up more fortunate than our children. I bought several things in really good shape at a garage sale but was told by her that she only wants new stuff, she doesn't want anything used by someone else. How do i handle a situation like this? My children grew up on hand-me-downs, garage sale items and clearance sale items. It made me feel really bad when she said this and I could use some advice
By IMAQT1962 from ILLINOIS
I also got my kids things at yard sales & thrift shops as they were growing up. They were glad to get them as I was a single mother barely making ends met. Now I have remarried and my step-son will not wear things from yard sales.Even if they are brand new. If he doesn't want anything used them I don't bother to get him anything. his family has always provided him with everything he wants anyway, So I buy for my own kids.They don't mind and they appreciate anything I give them..even if it's used.
It's a difficult situation but you need to honor her wishes in this. Usually after new mothers realize that all of the clothing looks used after a wearing or two and the costs of keeping your constantly growing baby in clothes, they change their minds.
One thing you can do is buy clothing that is new but never worn because many people get clothing that they just don't get a chance to use, or buy used clothing to use at your house for when the baby comes to visit or buy clothing for 9 months and older and save them.
If she doesn't use them, you can find a young mother who would be happy to have them. My experience has been that many new mothers feel this way but change their minds as the reality of the costs of parenthood set in.
Susan from ThriftyFun
I would just say, well, if that is your decision and close it. When it comes to birthdays and holidays, stay in your budget, or offer to make something for them. We usually buy clearance, so just take off the sticker price. If you already bought the stuff, keep it on hand for emergencies (overnights/accidents) and tell her, it's my house if she gets irrate. I mean politely of course ;) Personally, I can't understand, and my oldest was in size 18months by the time he was 6 months old, so second hand and stained was better than nothing at -20 degrees! Maybe when she spends $20 on one outfit to have it worn only once, she may change her tune!
I sincerely doubt she meant to be hurtful. Mothers-to-be so often have that "stars in their eyes" attitude.....think about that diaper commercial where they even capitalize on the idea. ("Live and learn and then get ___s!")
Like the others said, hang onto it for use at your own house. Either she will get over the "has to be new" attitude or she won't. If she doesn't, save it for future grandkids, have your own garage sale, or donate it.
Also, don't think she is necessarily going to break the bank....I have a SIL that I don't buy clothes for [her kids], as I am not sure what she would like. BUT, this gal used to work in retail, and knows how, when, and where to find the best bargains!! My teenagers love when she buys them clothes for holidays!
I believe most first time mothers have that same attitude. I know I did! It didn't take very long for reality to kick in with me and change my mind FOR me! If your daughter-in-law has grown up in a home where "new" is just taken for granted and always expected..... then she may never change her mind! I could not have clothed my four children if new was the only clothes acceptable. My own daughter developed that "new only" attitude too. It shocked and saddened me but the family she married into also has more financial resources than I ever will. It has taken 10 years but she will now buy, and they will WEAR, items from garage sales and Goodwill stores. She is excited over the money she has saved and they still look great!
I also refused to get caught up in the "competition" of trying to be the "favorite" grandmother by buying the biggest and most expensive gifts at Christmas and birthdays. My gifts were often books and cheap little cars and trucks while the "other" grandparent was bringing television sets and stereos. The children were just as pleased with my gifts as they were with the other..........although that may change when they become teenagers! I'll deal with that if and when it happens.
Just tuck your hurt feelings aside and don't try to "help" them by finding them bargains. You are wasting your time and your money as they will not use the items. When it is gift giving time set your price limit and don't go over it. Buy something new in the price range you can afford and make no apology for it not being more than it is.
Don't watch for (and buy) bargains for them. No matter how good your intentions are......they will not appreciate that you got them a lot for a small amount of money. They will think you are "cheap"! Trust me, I know! Within a few years they may grow up and become as smart you and I are!
Donate the items you have and take the tax write off!
give her a little time. i bet when she sees how expense stuff is she will gladly take hand me downs.
It's a difficult situation but I wouldn't take it too seriously. I personally couldn't do that to someone and would have taken the items cheerfully. My kids wear lots of used clothes tho. I am an avid garage-saler plus my son gets a beautiful hand-me-down wardrobe from a cousin's son (just the nicest, good brand clothes!)
Anyway, I like the idea of keeping those things at your house and you can use when the grandchild visits....saving for future grandchildren is also a great option or perhaps you know someone in your neighborhood or at church who is less fortunate and could use them.
I don't think there is anything you can really do. I think it is silly but your daughter in law is entitled to her opinion and doing things her way. You can't really force her to come over to your way of thinking! I know people who "don't have a pot to pee in" yet won't shop at garage sales and say their kids will not wear used. Well, heck....something brand new becomes used awful fast!!! The way my kids come home from school sometimes, I'm glad it wasn't a $25 outfit they ruined!
I was the same way when I had my first child....I don't think there is much you can do, just don't be offended. I am sure she wasn't trying to be mean, I know I wanted all new things with my daughter. But with my second child I have learned that new isn't always better. When money gets tight you learn to accept things no matter where they came from.
the daughter-in-law will grow up eventually. meanwhile keep the clothes at your house if you get to babysit. you can never have enough extra clothes for babies. sometime if she brings up the subject of how much things cost you might clue her in on the way "the real world" works. i have a daughter that is constantly overdrawn cause she's too proud to shop the way mom did. she'll get it one of these days! i've noticed i get smarter as my girls get older and have to shift for themselves!
I'm sorry this has happened to you, as it did to me years ago. Not with a daughter-in law, but with a friend. I passed her on some neat baby clothes, bunny rugs etc for her expected baby.. they were things my little one had out grown.She took them, but returned them a few days later saying her husband had said she couldn't keep them, their baby had to have everything new.
I was a little shattered, primarily because it pointed out that they were better off financially than I was.
So try not to be hurt, let your d-in-law go her own way, and give the things to a needy cause.
As a first time mom, I was just like that! I grew up with alot of new things (I was also only girl) but I had my fair share of hand me downs and garage sale items. It took me a little while to not care where things came from as long as they where in great shape! Don't take offense, she is naive and will grow up still! Keep the items for yourself or donate them to someone else.
Keep the stuff at your house for future use and don't buy them anything unless they request it. I know people who are like that and no matter what you give them, it will never be what they want. You could ask what they wish for and get the item # and store name, other wise, it's a waste of time.
Here is an idea that performs various needs; 1. Take the new mom bargainhunting with you when an other grandma or relative has baby, She will discover the joys of bargains and de-materialize all own her own. You can bet she will find something cute and used and will HAVE to have it, After that all new items will be history 2. You will be creating bonds and making memories with her. 3. She will appreciate the time away to rest. 4. Offer to pay for some items she finds and take comfort in helping the family without offending her since "SHE" picked items out. This is posted by a bargain-frugal fellow!
It is her choice to make. I don't think it's right to say the d-i-l is being silly or "not smart".
I myself only have one child. I do shop garage sales for him and don't mind getting things the general public will never see him wear like pajamas, socks, underwear. I have bought nice shirts and pants , too, but I do like to save the used stuff for play days and only sometimes use the used stuff for school days. I have found that garage sale clothes do tend to lose shape and fade.
I'm sure you felt like you were doing her a great favor, and were hurt when your gift was rejected, but be happy that your d-i-l wants the baby to look the best possible. I don't think it was meant to be a slur to you.
In my area there are stores that sell recycled clothes and I know people who would never consider buying anything from them.These are people who are not well off either.Buying from a garage sale is ok to you but I would not impose your thrifty habits on someone has issues with garage sales.
I don't think you would appreciate it if your daughter in law forced something on you that you did'nt want because thought it was best for you.
Maybe you could wrap the item in a new box with tissue paper to make it look new but that is deceitful.
You made decisions you felt were best for raising your children. Your daughter-in-law is doing the same. Just because her way is different than yours doesn't make it wrong...just different. There is no moral issue, right? Respect your daughter-in-law's wishes whether her kids are with her or at your house. For if she finds out you do something against her wishes with her child(ren) which she has already expressed to you a disdain for, she may limit the time you have with HER child(ren) in the future. When it comes to gift giving, sometimes the most meaningful gifts are the once you can't buy...not even from 2nd hand shops or garage sales. She is the mother, respect her and her position. I know, you are the grandparent. But the mom and dad have the primary responsibility of training/raising their child(ren). You trained your son who I would presume is an adult and married to your daughter-in-law. He has his own family with your daughter-in-law. Trust what you have instilled in your son will be used when HE decides as head of HIS household is wise to use/do. And praise God your son and daughter-in-law can afford to buy her child(ren) all new things! All things work together for good...for because some people can afford to buy things new, people like you can buy them 2nd hand and from garage sales.
Submitted with humble and loving intent!
I would save the things for the kids to use when they're at your house. This would help your son and daughter-in-law because they will have to haul less stuff around when they come to visit.
Try not to let it become a sore spot between you. It is important that the kids see family members getting along. A happy family for the kids is more important than being right or winning an argument. Your son and daughter-in-law will probably have a lot of ideas that are different than yours when it comes to raising kids. This is probably only the beginning. Just remember to put getting along first and don't force advice on them that they didn't ask for.
Your Daughter-In-Law will come around some day when she has more children. And if she doesn't -- well she's the one buying the clothes and I wouldn't risk your budget to keep up. Just get what you can. My oldest daughter was like that too and with her and her husband still in college, they were spending money up the ying yang (mostly on credit cards). They got into credit card debt and it took them several years to come out of it but she learned her lesson and with 4 children now, she's one of the thriftiest shoppers I know (even better than me!!!). She home schools, grows and cans her own food, and last but not least is a garage sale queen!!!! My youngest never did care where anything came from and is still that way--always looking for a bargain. Don't take her rejection too much to heart as she is not rejecting you just used clothing. I wish you the best!
With our 1st born, I too was given something used. A used baby bassenet(?) by my MIL. I really didn't want one at all, I had planned on a basket that I had seen that could be used for other things later after the baby had outgrown it. It didn't take up as much space, no legs, no rollers. What I got was from a yard sale, that they forgot to clean. It had stinky on the sides and on the legs. At 9 months pregnant, I cleaned it had it painted for $30 and only used it when I knew she was coming. (She lived 3 houses down) I also got the basket that I wanted and used it for my first child, saved it used it again for the second child, and 21 years later use it for outings. After my first born outgrew the bassennet, I sold it in a yard sale for $1.00. It wasn't that I didn't want a used item, it was that I really had my heart on the basket. It was easier to move around, no rollers to get caught up on carpet. My MIL never understood. From then on, I was known as the DIL that was "better than the others".
I can understand to some extent. If she can afford to dress her children in new clothes, why not. Also, some things that are bought used may have been recalled or unsafe. Even some older clothes may have buttons or ribbons that are unsafe. Of course these can be removed. The fact remains that it is her choice, and she is actually doing you a favor by telling you her wishes. At least she is not just acctepting your stuff, and then hiding it away and never using it, only bringing it out when you visit. I like what another person said, keep stuff at your house for the kids. My mom does this, and it helps out a lot. Less stuff for me to haul around. Just make sure whatever you buy is safe.
I must agree with the others, I do not believe that she meant to hurt your feelings, but was trying to live up to her idea of a good parent. Try to not let it color your feelings or it may jeopardize your relationship with your son and grandchild.
With that said, How I wish you had been my mother/mother-in-law. When I raised my family, we lived over 1000 miles from our families and had no help what-so-ever. I am disabled, had a colicky infant, and my husband was laid off. We had always lived (and lived well) on little, but were nearly destitute. My own mother never even called to congratulate us, let alone send us any gifts. I still get tears when I think of a dear friend that gave me a baby shower, inviting people I didn't know (we were new to the area), who brought gifts. They were so appreciated. Yes, my son grew up wearing yard sale clothes; I never gave it a second thought; I was just glad that he had things to wear.
Do what you have to do to stay close to her, but stick to your principles. And do donate the clothes to someone out there who will use them (and be thrilled to get them). You will be giving that person an appreciated gift. Bless you.
I am a first time mother and my daughter is outfitted in mostly used clothing. I have no problem with it at all. But if your dil does I would respect her wishes. If she does not want anything used I would buy things new that are within your budget. Shop the Clearance racks and discount stores like walmart, family dollar etc. The more important thing would be to shower your grandkids with love and time not gifts. I don't remember what my grandmother got me as a gift 10 years ago, but I do remember making christmas candies with her!
THANKS SUSANMAJP. AND EVERYONE ELSE FOR ALL YOUR ADVISE IT IS MUCH APPRECIATED.I HAVE SINCE DONATED ALL OF THE STUFF TO SOMEONE WHO WAS HAVING THEIR FIRST CHILD BUT DIDN'T MIND USED THINGS. SHE WAS REALLY APRRECIATIVE FOR THE STUFF. I REALLY HOPE ONE DAY THE DAUGHTER IN LAW WILL UNDERSTAND THAT NOT EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE NEW FOR A CHILD TO BE HAPPY.AND THAT SINCE THEY OUT GROW EVERYTHING SO QUICKLY SOMETIMES ITS NOT ALWAYS SENSIBLE TO PURCHASE NEW.AND MAYBE ,JUST MAYBE I CAN GET HER TO GO GARAGE SALING WITH ME ONE DAY AND SEE THAT THERE IS SOME REALLY ADORABLE STUFF OUT THERE IN GREAT SHAPE
Then find someone who will accept your thoughful gifts. Explain to your daughter in law that if she wants brand new, from you then she will get less from you.
I was never too proud to accept hand me downs. Young babies do not wear out their clothes and equipment, they grow too fast.
I know that someone else out there would be grateful for and treat your gift with respect.
My dear daughter in law was the same way and I didn't blame her for wanting new things for her first baby,we bought what we could afford and was happy to help her and my son when they were in a bind for money.when I started babysitting my grand daughter,I would put the used clean clothes on her that my older grand daughter wore and saved the new things.
I would always change the baby before they came to pick her up after work and my daughter in law couldn't imagine how the baby was so clean! I made the baby play clothes and took her outside on a quilt and she was a happy baby,my daughter in law came home early one day and saw the baby in playclothes she hadn't bought and she laughed..she realized I was saving her new baby clothes and money replacing the ruined ones.
she said she must have sounded a little silly because she didn't want older clothes on the baby but I gave her a big hug and told her it was ok.now she tells everyone she shouldn't have been so picky..
Interesting read. NOBODY suggested sitting down and talking with the DIL to find out what her thinking is! (or ask the son what is up......) It could be various reasons, including religious/spiritual reasons. Maybe something occured during her childhood. (my father would NEVER eat pasta because during the Depression that is what he ate whenever they had nothing else in the pantry) A friend of mine had strange things happening in their house until they got rid of some used items. (some people thinks spirits were attached to the used items). Anyway.....NOBODY suggested having an open heart - to - heart discussion.
It is NOT a Generation gap.......it is a COMMUNICATION gap!
MY SON IS IN IRAQ AND I AM NOT EVEN GOING TO MENTION THIS TO HIM. HE DOESN'T NEED TO BE WORRYING ABOUT THINGS LIKE THIS WHEN HE IS FACING DEATH AND DESTRUCTION DAILY. AND NO I HAVEN'T TALKED TO THE DAUGHTER IN LAW AS OF YET. I WAS UPSET WHEN THIS HAPPENED AND I WANT TIME TO COOL DOWN BEFORE APPROACHING HER. NOT ONLY DO I NOT WANT TO SAY THE WRONG THING, BUT IN HER CONDITION AND WITH THE CIRCUMSTANCE WITH MY SON I DON'T WANT TO UPSET HER UNNECESSARILY.PLUS HAVING A LITTLE ADVISE FROM THR READERS HAS MADE ME SEE THINGS FROM A DIFFERENT PROSPECTIVE AND I FEEL I CAN TALK TO HER NOW MORE CALMLY THAN WHAT I WOULD HAVE A WEEK AGO
osakajo...if you notice, everyone is on the daughter in laws side. and it is possible that the girl justs thinks that handme downs are beneath her. i'm sure that eventually everything will work out
Trust me,I've been there! It hurt me terribly when I proudly gave my expectant DIL a really nice clean stroller with carseat and Bassinette only to be told by my son that HER CHILD wouldn't be using yard sale items and clothes.I resold the items but in my own hardheadedness continued to buy.I guess I thought that's what a Grandma should do.What I COULD give the most was love and attention to the child. It's been two years now and I still have to control my urges to buy.When giftgiving comes up I let her know that if she sees something I can give her to let me know.It is REALLY not worth the stress of being able to have things MY WAY.I am just grateful for the time I get to spend with my Grandchildren.There are others who are not so fortunate.
I also have family members who want everything "new" -so I dress better than they do, hav high quality designer clothes, - have nicer furniture than they do - have a better decorated domicile and fewer debts...But everyone to his/her own -if that's the way buy a small token baby gift you can afford or make something....or get something that is of very high quality and looks new & LIE about it!
Don't worry about it. I am a daughter-in-law and soon-to-be first time mom. It took years before finally getting pregnant. Now my MIL is too old and weak to share her opinions, but it's my SIL who keeps insisting I take her kids' old stuff. This happened after I already had everything ready. I have no problem with accepting gently used items-- even as a first child, I grew up on hand-me-downs too.
It just bothers me that the stuff she insists I take are not well cared for at all. They are also inexpensive to get new anyway. It started with her maternity clothes, some were still good, but included were worn out maternity panties. Panties should not be shared. Now she insists on my taking 11 year old baby clothing that has yellowed and looks worn out, plus a yellowed mattress that was already once lent to a friend. She wants us to have it "because it was so expensive" when she bought it.
There aren't really any valuable "vintage" pieces among the items. Meantime, all these could have been donated a long time ago to people who really needed them. Old diapers could have been used as rags. I should add that her main motive for handing down is her wanting to 'declutter' her house.
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