Mrs. Johnson decided to have her portrait painted by a famous artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant."
"But you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewelry."
A young man went to have his first checkup at a doctor's office. Before seeing the doctor, a nurse handed the man a small bottle and said to him, "Here is a specimen bottle, please urinate in the bottle and hand it to me when you're finished." Rapidly he returned out of the room, handed the specimen bottle to the nurse. She took one look at the bottle and asked him "What is this inside the bottle?" He said, "You asked me to urinate into it, so I spit in it." The nurse began laughing and said, "NO, not spit - urine." He asked her, "What does urine mean?" She continued laughing and then told him what it was. He was embarrassed and took another bottle and walked away.
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