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Duck Jokes

Looking for some fun jokes about our fine feathered duck friends? This is a guide about duck jokes.


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August 8, 2007 Flag

A duck walks into a hardware store. He asks the manager, "Do you have any duck food?" The manager says, "No, we don't have any duck food." The duck leaves, and comes back later. He asks the manager, "Do you have any duck food." The manager is annoyed and says, "NO! We don't have any duck food!" The next day, here comes the duck again into the hardware store. He finds the manager and says, "Do you have any duck food?" The manager, exasperated, says, "No, we don't have any duck food, and if you come in here and ask me that again, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!" and stomps away. The duck leaves and the next day, comes in again. He says to the manager, "Do you have any nails?" The manager screams, "NO, we don't have any nails!" So the duck says, "Do you have any duck food?"


By Cubangirl from Seattle

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August 9, 20070 found this helpful

I was thinking the same thing (that hardware stores have nails)....but it still made me laugh!

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February 1, 2005 Flag

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.


The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" She cried. $150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged and explained, "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

By Kate

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February 19, 20050 found this helpful

having just spent nearly £300 having our cat's ear partially removed - skin cancer caused by sunburn - this made my husband and I laugh. Many a true word spoken in jest!

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September 29, 2004 Flag

What did the duck say to the bartender after ordering his drink?

Answer: Put it on my Bill!

Maria UK

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September 29, 20041 found this helpful

Oh that one is funny! You got me quacking up!

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