My Daughter Likes an Older Boy

My daughter is 13, but very developed body-wise. We can discuss sex and boys very easily. She has strong moral values, and said she wants to be a virgin until marriage. Recently she told me there's a boy she likes at school. He gave her a teddy bear as a Christmas gift. I am concerned because the boy is 15, but in eight grade with her. He flunked two grades before. There is also an issue of him having a problem with the juvenile system last year. She talks with him on the phone and internet. I am not certain what to do about all this - the gift and the constant communication.

Nell from Sierra Vista, AZ

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December 29, 20060 found this helpful

Do you know the #1 reason most teen-agers cite as to why they don't do something like drink, smoke or have sex? It's "Because my parents would kill me and be so disappointed" - that is the most powerful thing you can remember. Continue to talk to your daugther and let her know how much you love her and trust her judgement. Remind her that boys are not like girls and sometimes their physical attraction over-take their good sense. I will never forget the first time a guy said to me "but if you love me, you will..." - I thought "OH MY GOSH...boys actually will say that! I thought my mother was making that up" - then just stay in touch with her. The quickest way to shut down communication with your daughter is to behave like you don't trust her. If you lower the bar for your expectations - she will meet it.

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December 29, 20060 found this helpful

At 13 & 15, the more the kids are kept apart, the more "Romeo & Juliette-esque" they're likely to become. A long relationship at that age is 2 weeks.

Most of the fun at that age, is holding hands in the hall at school, and being the center of attention for a while.

There's a huge difference between the sexes at 13. If she's mature, a 13 year old boy is likely to seem like a child to her.

Can you find out why this boy seems troubled? Trouble at home, or just the "wrong" kind of boy?

I'd encourage her to bring him over. He will either exhibit phoniness, embarrass her, or rise to the occasion. In any event, you'll know a lot more about him after you've met him.

13 is too young to date, but some tend to couple up anyway. If he's looking for a "good time", he'll have to look elsewhere. If all they can do is hang out at your house, they'll soon tire of each other.

(seconded by my 28 year old son lol)

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December 29, 20060 found this helpful

I would let her know you are concerned about it, but let her make her own decisions. Boys at 15 are sometimes still very immature. Girls however are more mature at 13 so they may be at the same maturity level. I remember when I was a teen (now the mom of a 14 & 10 yr old) I remember my father telling me I couldn't do this or that, and it was just more of a reason for me to find a way to sneak around and do it. I now have more communication with my kids and trust them until they prove to me that I shouldn't. My 14 yr old son and I talk so much more than I would have ever talked to my dad. Let them be friends, talk on the phone & computer, even hang out, but I wouldn't encourage "dating" at 13.

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December 29, 20060 found this helpful

Thank you all for your very constructive feedback. My daughter and I are close (not like "I want to be her friend") and we do communicate well. I would hate to lose that because I got bent out of shape over her communicating so much with the boy. She does have other friends, both male and female that she talks with often. I will keep an eye on things, and hopefully I won't allow my motherly fears to smother our relationship. Thank you.

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December 29, 20060 found this helpful

Let her have him over to your house (where you can observe him) to eat, clean up after eating and then go watch a video (one they choose) in your living room. You can observe from a distance then.

Trust your daughter and remember she is a product of you and what your values are that you have already taught her. She knows your expectations and I am sure will not let you down.

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December 30, 20060 found this helpful

I think a 13 yr old is too young to date. I do remember "liking" boys at that age tho but my father didn't let me date till I was 16 and then it had to be a double-date!

This boy actually doesn't sound like the kind of boy your daughter would be interested in since you say she has strong moral values. I personally wouldn't want to encourage the relationship but to give the young boy the benefit of the doubt, would want to know why he's been in serious trouble and put back 2 grades.

I don't know if others would agree, but I'd want to see what type of email correspondance they are having.

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August 1, 20070 found this helpful

I think that if your daughter really likes this boy, you should meet him. If they seem happy together, and he seems like a nice boy. Then what the heck (:_*

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April 16, 20080 found this helpful

At least he isn't 20. I say let her talk to him and things like that. There is no harm in that.

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April 23, 20090 found this helpful

Aw, c'mon, lighten up. I had a 17 1/2 yr-old bf at 14. It's not that bad, even if he isn't the most academically able of boys. I had a ton of fun with mine, I reckon this boy here sounds really sweet. If she were my daughter, I would give him a chance, but I would ask her to stay friends with him until she was at least 14 cos I think anything under the age of 14 is a bit young but 14 and up should be fine, the age difference doesn't sound too big at all. Just keep an eye on them, but remember there's a fine line between keeping an eye on her and suffocating her.

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