Request: 12 Year Old Sleepover?
Archived on 09/23/2009
My 12 year old daughter wants to
have a boy and girl sleepover, but I don't think its a good idea. Any advice?
Thanks,
Aryana
Feedback:
RE: 12 Year Old Sleepover?
Unless you want to stay up all night with the kids, I don't think a boy/girl sleepover is such a hot
idea. It also might not go over well with many parents.
See if your local skating rink has something called an "all night skate". The kids stay over night
and are watched in most places. I remember doing this with my friends and family members for years as
a kid. (06/16/2005)
By zoombit
RE: 12 Year Old Sleepover?
It would depend on how much I trust and know my daughter. Is she "into" boys or they just friends? I
might allow it and have the boys sleep in another room or in a tent in the back yard. (06/16/2005)
By Suitsme
RE: 12 Year Old Sleepover?
I have to agree that a mixed gender sleepover is a poor idea. Maybe the boys could come over for a
certain amount of time under supervision and the girls could stay the night. That skating rink idea
sounds like a good alternative as well. (06/16/2005)
By Suzanne S.
RE: 12 Year Old Sleepover?
I would never even consider this whether she is boy crazy or not. Do the all night skating, but if
your at home and fall asleep your totally responsible for anything that happens in your home, at
least in public it would be easier to stay awake. (06/16/2005)
By boo
RE: 12 Year Old Sleepover?
No. I have allowed boys to attend the pizza part of a party and then hang around with the girls on
the trampoline (they mostly sat on it and listened to music) and then the boys went home. However, my
daughter was older when she had this party. (06/16/2005)
By Ann
RE: 12 Year Old Sleepover?
Have a supervised nighttime party with both girls and boys. Make it fun and crazy with silly games
and hilarious prizes, karaoke, volleyball, a neighborhood scavenger hunt, or other stuff the kids may
enjoy doing together. Let them play their music as loud as they want and have lots of pizza, pop and
other kid fare on hand. The girls can sleep over and the boys go home after the party. Don't
broadcast it to the boys that the girls are sleeping over, or they may come back around and pull
pranks late at night, unless boys have changed a lot since we were young. (06/16/2005)
By Mary
RE: 12 Year Old Sleepover?
By the time I was a senior in high school, back in 1992, many of my acquaintances, even my fellow
"good girl" friends, had taken the plunge and unwittingly exposed themselves to AIDS or had had
pregnancies or abortions. This situation was very stressful for them and they were in high school.
However, this waltz with risky behavior began earlier than you can even imagine for most of us, even
the level-headed ones.
I'm not sure of your generation, but please consider that high school students in states all over
the country are caught engaging in mass orgie parties, have learned to expect these sleepovers as a
means of hooking up, and tend to consider oral sex to be as regular a thing to do, even at 12 years
old, as holding hands or kissing. The pressure to perform and the acceptability of performing out of
the range of personal comfort grows in group situations, which I'm sure you might remember.
To be honest, our parents in that generation were far too permissive or just plain lazy and
negligent. But now bi-gender sleepovers between 12 year olds now, to be honest, is even more
dangerous than bi-gender sleepovers then. Don't go there. You are responsible for more than just your
child and her health. You are teaching them how to parent, when the time is right of course, and how
to distinguish between what is appropriate in society vs. what they can manage to get away with.
This is a time to teach your daughter about the fragility of reputation as well. Her life at
school can be easily wrecked by a boy with a taste for vengeance or with bragging on his mind, or a
girl out to take her down socially. Putting her in that situation only makes her more vulnerable to
this frenzied group of hormonal curious and socially insecure beings. (07/06/2005)
By JW
RE: 12 Year Old Sleepover?
OK, I am 14 and though I have a boy friend, I would "never" even dream of him or any of my other guy
friends spending the night. Also I have been invited to one of my guy friend's parties, because they
see me as "one of the guys" if you know what I mean. So I went to the party part, but left at about
8ish.
So if I were in your position, I would say no. She is only 12 there is no way she is old enough to
have a boy friend let alone a boy/girl sleep over. You are the mom. My mom and I are really close and
I trust her judgment. Maybe you and your daughter can make a compromise, meet in the middle.
My guy friends understand that I am not able to spend the night with them, they just give me full
recaps in e-mails or at lunch. So you need to stand your ground, but if the guys that your daughter
wants to spend the night are truly her friends, they will understand that she is not able to have guys
spend the night.
Tomoko (07/26/2005)
By Tomoko
RE: 12 Year Old Sleepover?
No would probably be the best answer. As to all the people that say no because of the boys, the girls
are just as likely to start something these days. Just keep that in mind when you are answering. I
just graduated HS and you wouldn't believe how common it was for the girl to start something. The
reputation thing is right, but girls can also ruin other girl's if they are jealous. Don't mean to
make anyone mad. Just wanted to let you know what happens in the schools from somebody who is there
all the time.
(08/01/2005)
By Ashley
RE: 12 Year Old Sleepover?
Sure. Go ahead. Yes. It will make your child really happy and she will have lots of fun. Just make
sure that you watch her and that she doesn't do anything bad. So just check on her every once in a
while. (08/06/2005)
By Janet
RE: 12 Year Old Sleepover?
Trust is not the issue here. It is inappropriate to allow boys to sleep over even if "nothing"
happens. I can understand why some of the children advised you to say yes they are not yet able to
make a sound judgement. What I can't understand is why any of the adults would agree. I guess growing
up doesn't always result in common sense.
You are setting yourself and your daughter up for trouble if you allow it. Like I said, even if
"nothing" happens, there is still gossip to contend with. I don't ordinarily advise people to do
something just to avoid gossip, but this situation would be so scandalous that you can expect it to
be discussed in impolite society for years. It can easily destroy a young girl to be talked about
like that. Gossip is deadly and I wouldn't encourage anyone to gossip about your child by setting her
up for it.
Moral issues aside, having boys at a sleepover even at 16 or 17 really does invite trouble. At 12
it invites disaster. 12 year olds still don't know just how bad the pressure can get, and they aren't
prepared to say no should the situation arise. They may think they can, and they may be determined to
do what they know they should. But their experience levels aren't in agreement yet. It's not a matter
of trust, even the best kids can get caught in an unexpected situation and find themselves less in
control of their own actions than they thought they were. It takes years to learn how to resist
powerful urges like a full blown sex drive, so even good kids need to be careful. It is better for
you to sit down with your daughter and explain to her that having the boys stay overnight is not a
good idea. Girls need time to just be with other girls anyway. It is an important part of their
development.
There are some good suggestions here. I would use them. It is good that your daughter wants to
spend some time with boys in a social situation. This should be encouraged. But I suggest you
politely escort the boys to the door when it is getting to be time to change into pajamas. Your
daughter might even thank you, if not immediately then later.
Denise (09/23/2005)
By Denise2003
RE: 12 Year Old Sleepover?
This sounds really fun. Maybe if your child has a brother the boys can sleep in his room? Keep
checking on them, but don't make anyone feel unconformable. Thanks (11/30/2008)
By Katy
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