When to Help Adult Children Financially

When does it become enough when helping adult kids with finances when they don't modify their lifestyle? We've helped with insurance deductibles and other emergencies.

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Now my daughter and son-in-law are wanting to send their bipolar teen to a boy's ranch in a different state to the tune of 60 thousand dollars. The answer is "no" and now my daughter won't return any phone calls.

I realize my grandson needs help, but we're not wealthy. I'm really hurt that I'm being ignored.

By Betty

August 28, 20100 found this helpful

When it comes to that large of amount, enough is enough. I have a daughter that I get really frustrated with, because she is always behind on her untilites. I have decided the next time she wants help I am going to ask her for the name of the company, address and her account number and send them a check directly instead of giving her the cash. She doesn't have a bank account so she can't cash checks. I don't always believer her stories. If she would quit smoking, she would have more money.

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August 28, 20100 found this helpful

A cautionary note about "special needs" facilities for kids, teens can refuse treatment, depending on state as young as 15. My personal experience with a special needs prep school was less than pleasant. When my son broke a rule and left campus, he was expelled with no tuition refund. I would worry that the camp might just return the teen and keep the money.

Aside from that issue, bipolar disorders are readily treated with medication, if meds aren't working perhaps the teen is non-compliant and refusing medication. Not a good candidate for an expensive program.

This sounds like a poor treatment choice.

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August 28, 20100 found this helpful

I'm going through the very same situation & have been over & over but have now realized that all of my help has done nothing but to keep them from learning how to be self sufficient!

Am I feeling hurt because they (daughter & grand-daughter) don't speak to me , you bet I do , but I also have smartened up & know that with my continued help they will never learn how to manage their own responsibilities.

There just never seemed to be an end to their leaning on me.

I try hard to keep myself busy & pray that one day they will thank me!

I know too many parents that are in the same boat & will stay there forever if we continue to allow them to lean on us !

Hope you can be learn to be as strong as I have been, I'm proud of myself.

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August 28, 20100 found this helpful

I am no expert with dealing with special needs children. Be it my own or grand children. If you are strongly against or just can't help with finances see if you can help out in another way. Try to find out if there are any Government grant or special organizations that can help out. Do the research in behalf of your child or grandchild. Some people never think of looking for help past family and friends.

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August 29, 20100 found this helpful

In response to one comment on how to help finding financial help as in grants, etc. I suggested trying to find a place in TX. My Daughter and her husband will not listen to me and my advice goes in one ear and out the other. They seem to resent every suggestion. My Son-in-law is highly educated with no common sense. They don't have a "pot to pee in" but my son-in-law makes it look to acquaintances and friends that money is no issue. They eat out at nicer places and take bigger vacations than I do. In his mind if this place is $60,00 then it is the best! No second best for his family. My former husband and I have bailed them out more times than I can count and my youngest Grandson made a comment to me that his Dad gives me money. I had to bite my tongue.

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August 31, 20100 found this helpful

Dear Betty, I feel your pain. Been there done that. Now I am broke and having to go on food stamps. Charity begins at home. If you aren't careful you will end up in the poor house like me. I was very generous to my younger daughter and she drained me. My older daughter has 2 jobs and works constantly. She is helping my younger one who won't get a job, lives in her dad's basement with 2 kids and is depressed over her relationships with 2 losers. They are both beautiful and I love them dearly as well as my 2 grandchildren but I have had to toughen up and just say no. About the smoking, she does that too. Try checking with local charities and see if you can get her some help there. Blessings......Connie

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August 31, 20100 found this helpful

I would be suspicious of that treatment. Bi-polar is not something that is helped by just going away to a fancy treatment center. That just seems to take away the problem from the parents for a brief while but it can return when the son does.

Take care of yourself this time, please don't buy into their manipulation. It also seems like they are feeding another child a bunch of baloney, which is really tragic. That should tell you a lot right there.

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September 1, 20100 found this helpful

It is about time parents "Just say NO!" to grown children. To many of my friends have nothing left after their kids talk them out of money for this or that and borrow and never pay back. One even was tricked out of her home by a daughter-in-law and the son went along with it. They kicked her out and then they lost the house anyway. Finally she is in a nice senior place that is safe, but on Section 8. How sad. Tough Love isn't only hard on the kids, But even harder for moms and dads. In order for the kids to be self sufficient you need to not be a door mat to them. That is why they don't talk to you right now. Give them time to find their way. It may take years, But someday they will say "Thank You" for caring enough to say no and making us grow up and take responsibility for myself and my family."

Yes, been there and saw the light. Now all is well.

GG Vi

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September 1, 20100 found this helpful

Time to quit giving in to their whims, Grandma. Been there myself. If they want to ignore you=they lose out. Let's see how long their hissy-fit lasts. You keep busy living your own life and surround yourself with people who truly appreciate you. Time for the "adult" children to grow up! That teen grandson needs special help from a doctor who can closely monitor him and the parents should be the ones to deal with finding the help, you're not the "bank". Don't feel guilty for wanting to be happy, you earned that privilege and paid your dues. Maybe Social Services can help them out. If they ask you for anything more, just say "I'm sorry, I've done all I can do."

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September 1, 20100 found this helpful

Giving a grown, adult child any and everything they ask for does nothing to help either of you; it only enables that child to continue depending on you and postpone growing up. My parents did this for my brother, and they did him no favors. He is now a grandparent himself, and still cannot budget his money. He uses and steals from anybody who befriends him. People avoid him because they are tired of being used by him. He owes everyone money. To make matters worse, he has this crazy sense of entitlement--like the world owes him whatever he wants. He believes that we should feel fortunate because he has requested things from us, not someone else. One of our parents recently died and the money well has gone dry, and you can see panic written on his face. He resents us for what we have, but in reality, we have worked three full-time jobs and two part time ones to make barely half of the money he's made those same years. We just use our money smarter while he blows his.

Your daughter feels betrayed by you right now. She has always been given what she asks for. It would have been smarter to have told her earlier that you could no longer afford to support her; you have already spent your savings on her and now you have to figure a way to support yourself. You must realize, that if you give in this time, she has won and you will be at her beck-and-call whenever she wants more. Of course she isn't talking to you--it's the only weapon she has to use, and it has worked in the past.

Unfortunately, you need to realize that when you get older and need help, she will not be there for you; she is a taker and not a giver. I hope you have other children you can count on. If so, do not push them aside thinking that this daughter needs you more. If not, start making some plans for yourself now, while you can think clearly and before you have to. I wish you well.

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September 2, 20100 found this helpful

Let me tell you I am 50 years old and have a twin brother who has lived with my dad all of his life. He does not work, depends on my dad for his every need. Has been convicted of several DWI's and lives in a little camper outside of my dads home. Well to make a long story short my dad just turned 77 and is concerned about what will happen to him when he dies. Very valid concern. My brother has never had a car payment, house payment, and my dad is not a wealthy man. So it's not like he will be left with something once he is gone. It is a sad situation to say the least.

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September 2, 20100 found this helpful

Betty, I've seen entirely too much of your daughter's type of behavior in my own extended family. Two of hubby's cousins spoiled their children to the point that they are literally homeless now that Daddy is deceased. (Horribly, one cousin's son killed his own father when he finally said no. But that's a unique situation, thank God!)

Frankly, I believe my near-death and incapacity due to a drunk driver was the best thing that ever happened to my brood of five. They had to not only learn to handle their own affairs, but for a couple of years, had to help Mom. Now all my children are living on their own and supporting themselves. A couple of them also have at least one child of their own. We're far down on the financial ladder, so other than small loans and gifts, it wouldn't occur to any of my children to ask me to fork over for an extravagant ranch experience, no matter how therapeutic.

Yes, my heart goes out to your bipolar grandson. But if mom and dad are serious in their desire to help him that way, they'll just have to cut back on the Starbucks and Red Lobster, etc, and send him on their own dime. Daughter needs to understand that "The Bank of Mom" is closed for business. (That's not my phrase, it's one a friend of mine uses. He's a son whose parents go to ""The Bank of Son" regularly. Sad thing is, parents and son are all on Social Security and social-services assistance, but live quite well, and eat out often. I eat out once a month and pay my bills.)

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