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A duck walks into a hardware store. He asks the manager, "Do you have any duck food?" The manager says, "No, we don't have any duck food." The duck leaves, and comes back later. He asks the manager, "Do you have any duck food." The manager is annoyed and says, "NO! We don't have any duck food!" The next day, here comes the duck again into the hardware store. He finds the manager and says, "Do you have any duck food?" The manager, exasperated, says, "No, we don't have any duck food, and if you come in here and ask me that again, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!" and stomps away. The duck leaves and the next day, comes in again. He says to the manager, "Do you have any nails?" The manager screams, "NO, we don't have any nails!" So the duck says, "Do you have any duck food?"
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
What did the duck say to the bartender after ordering his drink?
Answer: Put it on my Bill!