After 30 years of marriage, I left once, came back, left again, and came back. My husband controls me. He always wants to know where I am. I have no will power to stand up to him. I told him he had been controlling for years and that I just finally had enough. If we don't have sex for a bit he gets ugly and paranoid. He says he's changed, but I don't see much. I've been in counseling many times with different ones. He went to marriage counseling, but she told us to do counseling separately. After two sessions he starts with the paranoid again and yelling at me to love him, but I just am not in love with him. I'm thinking of leaving tomorrow and need some advice.
Knowing that you deserve happiness will give you the courage to leave.
Get a copy of The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans from the library or buy it. Hide it so he doesn't see.
Make a plan before you leave. You need to acquire skills so you can get a job, if you don't have one.
You are in the driver's seat of your own life. If this relationship is not for you, don't settle for less.
After so many years of verbal or physical abuse many women loose all hopes of a normal life. They stay in a relationship because they feel unworthy to be on their own. Their spouse has degraded them for so long they feel there is no hope left.
This is not the case. There are so many places women can go now to be protected and seek help to start a normal life. I wouldn't advise you to go to your family, because that is the first place he will look. Your best bet is to go to a woman's shelter an not tell him where you are.
You can call the women's abuse hotline and they can make arrangements to pick you up. But once you're there they won't allow contact with him or allow you to tell him where you're at. They are private and secure homes that are set up to protect you. Once you're there you can get the help needed to over come the abuse and learn to lead a normal happy life. It won't be easy, but this time there is no going back. You have to close the door once you walk out. So make sure you take what you want and remember there is no looking back.
Leaving an abusive husband.
You need support whether it is from family or someone from a women's shelter.
Going to a woman's shelter would be a good idea the counsellor's there can give you advice.
You deserve much better sounds like you are at your limit.
A whole new life of freedom awaits take it from someone who has been there.
Do not have any contact when you leave,he will say he is going to change,but they do not.
You will feel so much better about yourself and life in general once you make a permanent break. Good luck to you.
It's time for you to get real. Your husband does not control you. You tell yourself that because it is easier for you to believe that than make a change. He has no more control over you than what you give him.
You are lying to yourself when you say you have no will power to stand up to him. Again, it is easier for you to believe that than make a change. You are emotionally lazy and had rather put up with the status quo than fight for a better life.
All the counseling in the world will do you no good until you change. If you think you don't have the will to make changes for a better life, then dammit, get mad as hell and create that missing will. Make it happen! Control it. Defy that part of you that insists you are weak.You can if you want to. The real question is: Do you want to?
Life can be hard. Can it be any worse without him? Your real fear is being alone. If counseling doesn't help with this fear, find another councilor.
(Notice I did not address your husband. This has nothing to do with you husband. Stop lying to yourself and believing it does. If you fear a life without the 'security' your husband provides, then counseling may help, but only if and when you get angry enough with yourself to see, YOU HAVE BEEN LYING TO YOURSELF ALL THIS TIME).
I wish you the best.
When seeking advice, look elsewhere when the advisor takes your side against your husband's. They have a slanted view and probably can't help you very much.
I see equality in this relationship. Your husband is taking advantage of the fact that you allow him to use you as a player in his sick mind games. On the other hand, you leave him then come back so you can play the helpless, controlled, abused role in your sick mind game.
Why did you come back each time you left him? It couldn't be because you love him; you said you didn't.
If you feared him coming after you and abusing you, you could have sought protection. If there were financial problems with you being on your own, help was available. For you to come back to him when you don't love him, and when you know he hasn't changed and wont change, tells me you have just as many emotional problems as your husband. The two of you are using each other to play an ongoing game. There is where I see equality.
Thinking about leaving again is not worth the time it takes to do it. If you were serious about leaving, you would have already been gone instead of hanging around to see how much sympathy (not advice) you can get from web site members.
You know what living with him is like. You know you can leave him, you already have twice. The way I see it, you have two options. You can leave him and stay gone and work to make a new and better life for yourself, or you can stay with him so the two of you can continue aiding and abetting each other's miseries.
You didn't really need anyone else to tell you that, did you? You don't need advice. You know what you should do. Your life will never be any better until you find out why you will not do what you know you should do.
I hope you can find a councilor who will concentrate, not on your husband and not on you and your husband, but solely on you. Can you understand that? If you do leave him and he is no longer a part of your life, what good would it do to waste time in a councilor's office discussing him? If that makes sense to you, there is hope for you.
My closing advice is the same as my opening advice. It's time for you to get real!
Men like your husband rarely change. You must ask yourself, "Do I want to live this way the rest of my life?" If your answer is yes then you would be better off to just accept it all and make the best of a bad situation. If your answer is no, prepare to leave. You need help from someone with resources. Call or visit a women's shelter and they will help you to leave safely and with no desire to go back.
Leave as soon as you have a trusted arrangement with a relative, friend, or women's shelter representative to be with you at ALL TIMES for at least 1 week. Change your phone number. Avoid any friends you have in common with him.