Leaving an Abusive Boyfriend?

June 6, 2012

Boyfriend hitting his girlfriend.I am 19 and my boyfriend abuses me. He threatens to hurt me if I don't have sex with him, if I don't answer the phone, if I make him repeat himself, actually if I don't do what he says when he says it it's a problem. Even if it's for something small like me wanting to go home to my family. He is keeping me at his house, but I want to go home. He threatens to hurt my family if I tell them or if I try to leave the country. I can't call the police because he has too many connections and the island is corrupt so the police don't help in these kind of situations.


What I'm asking is what are the steps I can take to convince him to let me go home to the states without him trying to hurt me or my family. He is physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive. I need to know the steps to take or maybe something I can say to make him want me to go home. He has anger issues; so my opinion doesn't matter to him. I just really want to go home and I don't know what to do. Please help me.

By Alyssa


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June 7, 20120 found this helpful

There has to be some branch of law enforcement that can help you. Basically nobody else can help you get off the island. Just what country has domain over the island? There has to be some law enforcement that you can contact. Do some snooping, he can't have control over all law enforcement. How did you get yourself into this mess?


If this island is part of the US, I would think being you are being held against your will, it might amount to being the same as kidnapping. Call the FBI and talk to them. Also you must have some friends on the island, that aren't completely sympathetic to him. But nobody, other than law enforcement isn't going to be able to help you get off the island, without risking injury or death to you or some of them.

In the meantime, play it cool, and lay as low as you can, don't try arguing with him or anything, stay as far away from him as you can. Also there must be times that he is at work or something, that you should be able to do things on your own.

June 7, 20120 found this helpful

You don't tell him anything. You wait 'till he's gone from the house, get your stuff together, slowly if necessary, pick a day to pack and go to a battered womens shelter. The phone book, Churches, social services, policemen, whoever, can tell you where the nearest one is. Just go. Get out now, because it isn't going to get any better. Have some respect and liking for yourself, knowing full well you don't deserve anything he's dishing out, and leave.


Or go to a friend's house, (not to family...he'll find you there) & hide out 'till you can get to a shelter.

DON'T wait. You can get the rest of your stuff later when you have a pro-bono lawyer giving you advice. Call your family after you're in the shelter.

June 7, 20120 found this helpful

Also, tell your family and the police about the threats AFTER you've left. They can protect themselves as best they can, but you take care of YOU first. You're worth it.

June 7, 20120 found this helpful

It will only get worse. You are only 19. Believe me. You don't mention what island you are on. You need to contact (email or text) your family and let them know the situation so they can help you get away from him.


They can bring the matter to the attention of authorities off the island who can help and are not corrupted.


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June 7, 20120 found this helpful

First, you don't say where your home is and where you are now. If you will share that information I will be more than happy to help guide you to the safest place to go and from what you've written here it sounds like your home is in another country. I for certain can find out what the safest way/place for you to get away is if that is the case . Embassy as the safest means comes to mind and I can't imagine there is a country that does not have an embassy. Please, share the info needed because with the details you can be helped. Am saying prayers for you and please be careful!


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June 7, 20120 found this helpful

Redhatrb is right on the money. Kidnapping is being held against your will just as it's taking you somewhere you don't want to go. If you can email us, you can email someone to get you some help.


I don't know what island you are speaking of, but if it's somewhere with an American Consulate then you can contact them. Here is what google has and I am sure there are more.

Contact your family and if necessary, have them help as well.

Find someone who will hide you for a few weeks until you can leave. And when this is over, don't worry about how you got into this mess, but that you got out. That is all that matters.

Please let us know when you are free and we will all be able to exhale. PBP

June 8, 20120 found this helpful

Looks like the other folks here have many of the same answers I would have shared. Shooting prayers for you to get out and get out quickly. Be safe. God bless.

June 13, 20120 found this helpful

It's called brutalizing, threatening, and rape! He doesn't have to do the actual rape, but he is raping you by threatening you that way. Call the police in your town and get out now! Go to a shelter for abuse and battered women called the YWCA.


You will have to sign a no contact order to stay there and you can get that when you call 911 on that jerk you call a boyfriend. He isn't being a friend to you is he?Don't think, act. It can save your life!

June 16, 20120 found this helpful

Tell your parents.

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2 More Questions

Here are the questions asked by community members. Read on to see the answers provided by the ThriftyFun community.

March 7, 2016

My BF has 3 children and he has 50 per cent custody. They are at home 2 weeks each month. I moved with him to his town from a city. He asked me to help with his kids while I am studying.

I also help with $350 dollars or more in food or more anytime we need some extra food at home or even for their birthdays, that he asks me to make. He didn't help at all with $. I am not working so after 5 months and being 2 months pregnant my credit card was used to the limit and I have a good credit record so I need to pay them.

I am the one that cooks, cleans, and does the laundry. When he comes back from work and his kids are at home he doesn't spend time with them. They are always looking for me. Now he tells me that I should help more with sharing bills and I told him OK then I will look for a job and he will have to see who can take care of the kids. He got mad and said I have to help or are did I used to live off other men before? Then he said if I find a job he will have to work part time as he will look after his kids and he doesn't want to pay day care. They are his kids. I feel that he wants me to take responsibility of all.

Also, I don't have a car and I don't know how to drive. I don't have friends and I wanted to see my sister for the weekend. He said I am selfish, that I have to focus in my family and if somebody wants to see me they have to come to visit me. My sister was coming to pick me up and bring me to her husband's mother's home so we all can spend time together and it was supposed to be when my BF is working.

I feel trapped and he just expects too much from me. Also whatever the expenses are of my pregnancy I will pay for it. He also smokes weed and he can spend large amounts of money on that and that is OK. Even though I am pregnant he smokes at home. I just have to go to the bedroom to avoid the smell. Are these behaviors an early warning sign of abuse?


March 7, 20161 found this helpful

He is taking advantage of you. But you have put yourself in the position to be taken advantage of.

First of all, take driving course or move to a place that has public transportation. You're going to have a baby and there will be times when the baby needs something right away. You won't be able to always rely on others to help you and taxis will get too expensive. Unless you have a medical condition keeping you from driving, you need to learn how.

It sounds like you made a deal with him to care for his kids, cook and do laundry in exchange for living there and getting your needs met. I take it he shops because you don't know how to drive. So you get room and board. That's fair. But you can't also shell out money for his kids' needs. You have a baby of your own coming up, and credit cards should be only for emergencies, not his children's birthday parties. His kids are his, not yours. They have two parents and their jobs are to take care of what their children need financially.

However, your boyfriend can't be the sole breadwinner forever. You have a baby coming up and one salary probably won't do it. As far as his pot use is concerned, you knew about that when you moved in.

It seems you're stuck for now. How you're expecting to get a job without transportation, I don't know. I'd suggest ride sharing. But when you have the baby, staying home with the baby and his kids sounds like what you may have to do for a year or so until the baby is old enough so you can leave it with someone. Otherwise, you'll have to work long hours to keep a baby and your own apartment, and also to have your infant in daycare. You'd be separated from your baby all day.

Later, you can get a job, put the baby in daycare and take a driving course. Then get a used car.

In short, you made the choices you did. No one forced you. Now start focusing on yourself and your baby. But it might be a while before you can straighten this out.


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March 7, 20161 found this helpful

Loli-Abigail has given you very important advice!!! You will need to work very hard for the next 2 years, at least, to change so that you will be able to live the life you want for yourself and your baby, certainly not the life you have you have now.

Do not assume the father is interested in helping you out of your problems-he has a baby sitter, cook, laundress, housekeeper etc. He will continue to keep you in your current situation for his own convenience. It is clear he has no interest in changing his life to benefit you.
You must learn to drive so that you can work, etc.
If your family is able to help you in any way, ask for that help-financial, learning to drive, moving out of your present situation, etc.
Look for work, although most employers will not hire an obviously pregnant woman who does not drive. Do not try to scam an employer by hiding your pregnancy. News travels!
Now-look for ways to improve every aspect of your life and leave the difficult situation you have now. Your pregnancy and eventual baby will make everything much more difficult and it appears that the father has no interest in helping in any way-now and later.
Good Luck!!!


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March 8, 20160 found this helpful

My biggest and most immediate concern here is what the second-hand pot smoke could do to your unborn child. Ask your doctor ASAP!


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March 9, 20160 found this helpful

Re Marijuana-In addition to second-hand smoke, there is also the extremely difficult problem of avoiding smoke that has settled in the house, then becoming third-hand pot particles covering the house, car, and all inside areas. You and the children inhale pot particles 24/7 in the house so no one, especially you and your baby, can avoid second hand smoke and third hand pot particles, same as cigarette third hand particles on the floor, furniture, fabric, etc. Going to another room to avoid the smoke does nothing as the smoke particles then settle on everything in the house and you, your fetus/baby and anyone else in the house breath in and ingest the particles. Check this site:


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March 20, 20160 found this helpful

You asked if this was abusive. In my opinion, yes. One of the big signs is that he is not willing to get you to see your friends and your sister. He's trying to control you by separating you from a support system. A good man would be more than happy to drive you to visit your sister.

Some of the posters seem to feel that you have made this bargain, and now you are stuck with it. I don't feel that way. You've landed yourself in a spot that isn't what you were expecting. You are expecting his baby. You see how much interest he has in the kids he already has. He isn't going to improve. Are you sure this is step you want to take? How much worse off would you be as a single mom? Doesn't sound like it would be worse to me.

I think you should seriously rethink this whole relationship. I would. You should also consider counseling, to help you figure out your options. You can access counseling services through the YWCA, perhaps your church, your community, a local women's shelter. Start a search.

I think you should leave this guy, as he seems to be a user. But that's just my two cents over the internet. A professional counselor would be better, or your family.

Do not expect anything to improve with time. Another child will only make things more complicated in your household, and make things harder for you. I think you should pack your bags.

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January 30, 2015

I have been with my partner for 14 years. We have a 10 year age gap between us and 6 children combined. The first time he yelled at me I was terrified and ran for the hills. Being young and desperate for someone to love me I took him back. My partner has never hit me and for some years it got better. Lately when I try and talk to him about issues he calls me names like bitch and whore and says it's my fault because I just go and go until he snaps, The problem is I usually leave things for weeks before I try to approach him to talk about it. He tells me I am a bad mother and it's my fault the children hear us argue. He punches the wall, breaks my things, and tells me he feels like smashing my face in. If I miss a call from him he gets angry and calls me useless. I know that this behavior is wrong, but feel I can't leave.

The house is in mine and my mother's name and I am scared that if I leave and take the kids that he will damage the house which will leave me in a financial mess. I also feel that if I leave him I have to leave my job because he will confront me at work if he can't get me anywhere else. My oldest child is also in level 1 at college and doesn't want to change schools. If it was just me I would be gone, but it's other factors keeping me here. I know it sounds like excuses, but to me these are mountains and if I choose to leave it will affect innocent people. My partner also has stalking tendencies when I have left in the past. Again he has never hit me but I am so scared that one day he will start and with his temper won't be able to stop. Please any advice would be a huge help as right now I can't see anyway out.

By Kate


January 31, 20150 found this helpful

Talk to the police, and see if you can get a restraining order against him to keep him away from. In your state is there anything like common law marriage, if so you might have to check to see how to dissolve the relationship. You can't leave the house that belongs to you on a permanent basis. You have to be able to get him out. What you really need is some legal advice.


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February 1, 20150 found this helpful

I agree with Redhatter, that you should consult a lawyer. If the house belongs to you, he is the one who should leave. There may be legal issues, and he may have some rights to the house, simply because you have co-habited so long. Here in my province, people who live together for 2 years have the same legal status as those who are married. In most cases, that is to the woman's advantage, but it may not be so in your case.

You should also try and find some group that will give you moral support and advice as to which services you can access in this situation. Perhaps you could contact a women's shelter or the YWCA or your church. If the abuse should happen to be related to alcohol abuse, you could join an Alanon group. You might also want to see a counselor to help you through the emotional issues that you will have to deal with.


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February 1, 20150 found this helpful

Your partner is an emotional abuser. Emotional (verbal) abuse can escalate to physical abuse, especially when he senses you are making a move to leave him. You will need to plan carefully to avoid escalation when you leave. I recommend you work closely with an experienced abuse group before you leave this man.

You will need a well thought out plan before you go. If you do that you can avoid some of the situations that are worrying you right now, such as him confronting you at work or stalking you. Those who work with this behavior will help you know how to deal with these behaviors should they happen; or hopefully avoid them. With a plan and good knowledgeable support I think you can safely leave this man. The fears you have are dealt with by many, and if you make the right connections you will be successful too.

Begin to gather information to deal with the behaviors that worry you and soon you will have the plan you need. God bless you and best of luck. You deserve much better than this, and your partner needs to see the reality of his behavior and that it has consequences so he can grow as a person too.


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February 2, 20150 found this helpful

If you are really wanting to get out of this relationship then you have been given good advice.
You should not "move" out of your house under any circumstances but that does not mean that you have to stay there all the time.

Be careful - but maybe now is the time to file for a restraining order and be sure it includes your place of work. If he will not move out voluntarily, then you may have to ask your police dept. to assist you in removing him from your house.

Be sure that he cannot return for something he "forgot" unless the police accompany him.

You are not in a good situation right now and I hope you will "bite the bullet" and make a firm stand before something really bad happens.

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