Is This an Abusive Relationship?

My BF has 3 children and he has 50 per cent custody. They are at home 2 weeks each month. I moved with him to his town from a city. He asked me to help with his kids while I am studying.


I also help with $350 dollars or more in food or more anytime we need some extra food at home or even for their birthdays, that he asks me to make. He didn't help at all with $. I am not working so after 5 months and being 2 months pregnant my credit card was used to the limit and I have a good credit record so I need to pay them.

I am the one that cooks, cleans, and does the laundry. When he comes back from work and his kids are at home he doesn't spend time with them. They are always looking for me. Now he tells me that I should help more with sharing bills and I told him OK then I will look for a job and he will have to see who can take care of the kids. He got mad and said I have to help or are did I used to live off other men before? Then he said if I find a job he will have to work part time as he will look after his kids and he doesn't want to pay day care. They are his kids. I feel that he wants me to take responsibility of all.

Also, I don't have a car and I don't know how to drive. I don't have friends and I wanted to see my sister for the weekend. He said I am selfish, that I have to focus in my family and if somebody wants to see me they have to come to visit me. My sister was coming to pick me up and bring me to her husband's mother's home so we all can spend time together and it was supposed to be when my BF is working.

I feel trapped and he just expects too much from me. Also whatever the expenses are of my pregnancy I will pay for it. He also smokes weed and he can spend large amounts of money on that and that is OK. Even though I am pregnant he smokes at home. I just have to go to the bedroom to avoid the smell. Are these behaviors an early warning sign of abuse?


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March 7, 20161 found this helpful

He is taking advantage of you. But you have put yourself in the position to be taken advantage of.

First of all, take driving course or move to a place that has public transportation. You're going to have a baby and there will be times when the baby needs something right away. You won't be able to always rely on others to help you and taxis will get too expensive. Unless you have a medical condition keeping you from driving, you need to learn how.

It sounds like you made a deal with him to care for his kids, cook and do laundry in exchange for living there and getting your needs met. I take it he shops because you don't know how to drive. So you get room and board. That's fair. But you can't also shell out money for his kids' needs. You have a baby of your own coming up, and credit cards should be only for emergencies, not his children's birthday parties. His kids are his, not yours. They have two parents and their jobs are to take care of what their children need financially.


However, your boyfriend can't be the sole breadwinner forever. You have a baby coming up and one salary probably won't do it. As far as his pot use is concerned, you knew about that when you moved in.

It seems you're stuck for now. How you're expecting to get a job without transportation, I don't know. I'd suggest ride sharing. But when you have the baby, staying home with the baby and his kids sounds like what you may have to do for a year or so until the baby is old enough so you can leave it with someone. Otherwise, you'll have to work long hours to keep a baby and your own apartment, and also to have your infant in daycare. You'd be separated from your baby all day.

Later, you can get a job, put the baby in daycare and take a driving course. Then get a used car.

In short, you made the choices you did. No one forced you. Now start focusing on yourself and your baby. But it might be a while before you can straighten this out.

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Bronze Answer Medal for All Time! 220 Answers
March 7, 20161 found this helpful

Loli-Abigail has given you very important advice!!! You will need to work very hard for the next 2 years, at least, to change so that you will be able to live the life you want for yourself and your baby, certainly not the life you have you have now.


Do not assume the father is interested in helping you out of your problems-he has a baby sitter, cook, laundress, housekeeper etc. He will continue to keep you in your current situation for his own convenience. It is clear he has no interest in changing his life to benefit you.
You must learn to drive so that you can work, etc.
If your family is able to help you in any way, ask for that help-financial, learning to drive, moving out of your present situation, etc.
Look for work, although most employers will not hire an obviously pregnant woman who does not drive. Do not try to scam an employer by hiding your pregnancy. News travels!
Now-look for ways to improve every aspect of your life and leave the difficult situation you have now. Your pregnancy and eventual baby will make everything much more difficult and it appears that the father has no interest in helping in any way-now and later.


Good Luck!!!

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Bronze Tip Medal for All Time! 64 Tips
March 8, 20160 found this helpful

My biggest and most immediate concern here is what the second-hand pot smoke could do to your unborn child. Ask your doctor ASAP!

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Bronze Answer Medal for All Time! 220 Answers
March 9, 20160 found this helpful

Re Marijuana-In addition to second-hand smoke, there is also the extremely difficult problem of avoiding smoke that has settled in the house, then becoming third-hand pot particles covering the house, car, and all inside areas. You and the children inhale pot particles 24/7 in the house so no one, especially you and your baby, can avoid second hand smoke and third hand pot particles, same as cigarette third hand particles on the floor, furniture, fabric, etc.


Going to another room to avoid the smoke does nothing as the smoke particles then settle on everything in the house and you, your fetus/baby and anyone else in the house breath in and ingest the particles. Check this site:

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March 20, 20160 found this helpful

You asked if this was abusive. In my opinion, yes. One of the big signs is that he is not willing to get you to see your friends and your sister. He's trying to control you by separating you from a support system. A good man would be more than happy to drive you to visit your sister.

Some of the posters seem to feel that you have made this bargain, and now you are stuck with it. I don't feel that way. You've landed yourself in a spot that isn't what you were expecting. You are expecting his baby. You see how much interest he has in the kids he already has. He isn't going to improve. Are you sure this is step you want to take? How much worse off would you be as a single mom? Doesn't sound like it would be worse to me.

I think you should seriously rethink this whole relationship. I would. You should also consider counseling, to help you figure out your options. You can access counseling services through the YWCA, perhaps your church, your community, a local women's shelter. Start a search.

I think you should leave this guy, as he seems to be a user. But that's just my two cents over the internet. A professional counselor would be better, or your family.

Do not expect anything to improve with time. Another child will only make things more complicated in your household, and make things harder for you. I think you should pack your bags.

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