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I have been married for one year and I have a son, not by him. I have moved into my husband's house with his son and daughter. It started three weeks after we got married. He just starts yelling at me if he does not like what I ask him. He has gotten in my face and chased me into the bathroom and raised his hand to me, but did not hit me.
Whatever the kids do, I am wrong and they are right. His son who is 21, wrote me a note and called me a dumb ass in the note. His son told his dad to divorce me. His son and my son had a fight with words and ever since then his son won't have anything to do with my son or me. I don't know what to do? I do not want to be treated like this, when he is nice he is really nice, but when he is mean I can not take it.
Avoid further attachment to this complicated Dr. Jekyl and Dr. Hyde syndrome this man has formed. Get out quickly and don't let on you're leaving. Verbal abuse can lead into hitting on you and your son too especially if he tries to defend you. You can raise your son on your own without his help and being subjected to this type of abuse long term is damaging. He's good at what he's doing and is playing on your emotions and his son is doing the same with you and your son.
It's a copycat syndrome; both of you leave. As far as feeling sorry for that man's son, he does need help from his father's damaging behavior toward his wife. Let the law take care of that, but don't you stay in this mess. It's only going to tear you down and you won't be much use for you or your son who needs an outlet if you remain involved.
I'm a 27 year old, stay at home mom. I have three young girls that I love very much. I spend all day, everyday cleaning and taking care of my kids, but I also have a husband that can act like a child himself.
He has a good paying job and with it he also has control issues. My husband is not the sensitive type, he does not like it when I express my opinion, if he does not agree. If I am upset about something it usually starts a fight where I get called some pretty horrible things.
I'm not a bad person. I have tried for a very long time to make this work and keep my mouth closed, but it's so hard to not stand up for myself. Yet when I do he turns my phone off. He once even broke my finger trying to get keys out of my hand. I know I should leave, but that's just not a option right now with having nowhere to go. I don't want to be anyone's burden.
By melissa from Phoenix, AZ
I am in this position right now that is horrible and very sad. I am 26 years old with one two year old and am a stay home mom, as well. My husband is a nice guy, but when we disagree on a topic, it is just not a pretty picture. It is also a problem even that I have questions to ask. It can never be about anything that I have a doubt about or, "hey what time you did you leave work?", because he gets mad. Then the insults start right away. He expects me to either answer my own questions and keep my mouth shut or as soon as he says the answer to just leave it alone there and that's it.
I have literally broken in pieces and cried my lungs out so many times because I don't know how to deal with his insults. All I get from him is, "You cry because you want to; you're like this because you made this argument; you see the things you do; you can never keep your mouth shut; or you always have to be bitching about everything." This makes me feel even worse.
How would I make myself feel this way? If he could only argue without insults. If he could only tell me things without getting mad right away. This has totally confused me. I don't understand how he can say he loves me, but still talk to me like that and call me all kinds of names.
I am sure I can't stay here. I know this is not healthy and even worse for my baby that hears everything. I just don't find the guts to leave. I feel that leaving would be the only way for him to be happy and not have a bitch like he says living with him since everything is my fault. I sometimes do think is my fault, but I should know better not to feel or think this way, but is too hard.
I just wish I had learned a way to control, to block all the bad he has to say and eventually he will learn to not talk to me that way. We have recently started seeing a therapist, but it's really hard to explain our full arguments in just one hour. I feel as if he is not even working at a solution. He doesn't seem to care to try what she said. Even though he had promised to stop talking to me that way he hasn't at all and it happens every time. What should I do about this ? I know I love this guy so much, but it hurts to be here.
Yesterday my husband and I got into an argument because my son left the lights on in his room. When I defended my son he then said that "my marriage was in danger". He always threatens me with divorce and end of the marriage. This has been going on for about 8 years now and slowly I don't care anymore.
I get a knot in my stomach when I come from a friend's house and have to go home. My son feels the same way. We feel as if we have to walk on egg shells. As I said, I don't care anymore, financially I am dependent on him. What do you think my action should be?
By Corrie V.
Whenever I hear a young woman now talk about getting into any type of relationship I urge them to make sure they have their own checking account or a fair sum of cash put away, in case they have to leave. Start at the beginning of the relationship or even before, even if it means putting a couple dollars away out of the grocery money each week. By now you would have a fair amount stashed away.
I know a young woman who, when she was about 30 was my employer, and she had an infant, one day when work was slow we got to talking about things like that. She said she had her own credit card, checking account, and a fair amount of cash hidden away with her parents. There wasn't one thing her husband, an attorney, could get his hands on other than his private checking account, credit card, and the household account. You don't have to be well to do, in order to put a little away here and there.
However, you don't have to be financially independent to leave. You can always take your son and go to a domestic abuse shelter. They help women get on their feet, with job training, finding a job, etc. Also you don't need to take a lot of personal belongings(clothing, etc. with you) because they have donated things that the clients can have.
When you are in one of these shelters your husband is supposed to be able to get hold of you. That being said, you also shouldn't call him and ask him to come and get you. It is entirely possible that once he sees you are brave enough to leave and not depending on you, that he will straighten out.
No one should have to live "as if they are walking on eggshells". Leaving isn't easy, but it can be done. Find out about shelters in your area; perhaps you have family that would help out financially. Taking your son out of this toxic environment is the best thing you could for him; and he is old enough to be a moral support for you.Start making plans to leave. You will be surprised how empowering it is to take action.
I have been married for 9 months. My husband is often leaving his job. He in the teaching profession. I am also in the teaching profession. I have been working at a university for more than 5 years, but he is not able to stick with a job for more than 6 months. He does not take my words. He often abuses me. He has a male ego and is a male chauvinist. His upbringing is not proper.
He is not frank in his plans. He does not care for me. He wants sex for 24 hrs and he talks on it rather than our future. He changes for a certain period after discussing my issues, but only for a short period
My question is, how can he be moulded in career and family life and how to make him avoid his male ego and male chauvenism?
How to make him understand about married life?
By Pavithra from Chennai, India
I need some advice. My marriage of 17 years is falling apart. I cannot afford to live on my own yet. In May of 2006 I will graduate with my BA in social work and should be able to live alone.
Everything is fine until my husband drinks 6 to 10 beers in an hour-he fusses until I start to fight with him - then he blames me for the fight. He knows I will not back down from a fight - he will not stop his nightly drinking. I have to be with him unitl I graduate, do you have any suggestions for me?
I have a small savings account in my daughter's name. I cannot lock myself away because I am afirad he will knock down the door. He is not threat to my daughter. She lives with her father.
He is not prone to violence. He knows I have a temper and might act out. I think he enjoys making me angry. I just need to get through the next year without anymore emotiional scars.
Dear Leconte,You made a statement at the beginning of your post which tells me you HAVE CONVINCED yourself that you can't afford to make it on your.I am a single mother of THREE and TRUST ME mine are grown now but with GOD'S HELP we made it--without the help of any abusive man.No,it hasn't been a bed of roses,but it CAN BE DONE. You seem to have your act together-- you're concentrating on the future but has it occoured to you that one bad fight could end it all for you? The first thing I would suggest if you're determined to stay in this is to get help with his drinking problem. Get down to the source of WHY he does this. Is he picking arguments because he is feeling jealous of your accomplishments or feeling shafted because he's not getting attention because you devote time to studies? Or is he just a jerk who gets a beer in his belly and has to start something? I'm certainly no Counselor , and ONLY YOU know the answer to these questions. THINK ABOUT IT and weigh out the situation. There are options if you want out while you can. Plenty of Government agencies will help you finish school and help you find housing. BUT the choice is ENTIRELY YOURS! There is no SECURITY in an abusive relationship. Don't convince yourself that there is. OPEN YOUR MIND to the situation you're living in, and just like you DETERMINED you would get through school now DETERMINE in your mind that you will take whatever steps are necessary to either heal a bad marriage or get out. As I said earlier, one bad fight could end everything for you, if Fear doesn't force you to make a decision , seems to me you'll stay for the long haul. ITS YOUR DECISION!! I'll be thinking of you and praying for you. One last but certainly MOST IMPORTANT is find a good church and pray for God's will in this situation.Matthew 5:44 says ..pray for those who persecute you." We serve a God whose love is stronger that of any Man. Good luck and God Bless You!!
1. Pray to God.
2. Tell God you love Him.
3. Ask God for help.
4. Get out.
He isn't going to change for you or anyone else. He has to want to change for <b>himself</b>. Only God can change him.
If you have anyone at all in your family that you can stay with until you graduate, get out now. You can give them some board money out of your savings. Waiting only prolongs the agony and shortens your lifetime. GET OUT. He could turn on you quickly and become violent immediately.
At 44 years of age I left. My daughter and I ran for our lives. We went on welfare until we got full child and spousal support. Ten years later, I am happy as a lark, free of an immature, abusive man. We had to give up everything we had but God gave it back to us tenfold. Life is so peaceful now!
Hi Leconte, I think your best bet is to leave and trust God to make a way for you. The problem with alcoholism is the fact that you never know what, and when, it is going to escalate to an outrageous situation. You have taken so much responsibility for the atmosphere in your home, but it's not your fault. When someone is abusive and uncaring you have the right to be angry. You're intelligent and you've got a great life ahead- get rid of him and start living! Everything that the ladies said to you is accurate- only God can mend your broken heart and make you new. Trust me- He did it for me!
GET OUT! Abuse doesn't stop-it only gets worse the longer it goes on. Contact a domestic violence shelter, and they will help you make an escape plan. It is the first step you can take in reclaiming your life. It really will be the first day of the rest of your life. You will feel empowered and begin to stand up for yourself. No one deserves or should tolerate abuse for even a minute, and the damage to your self -esteem and to your daughter, too, when she sees what you are allowing to happen to you can be irreparable.
There are safe houses for women and children in your situation. They are very clean and you will be with other women in your situation. They will help you out till you get on your feet. Speak to your local church minister. Please don't wait! Seek help immediatley.
I think your problem mainly lies in the statement you made: he knows that I will not back down from a fight. Why won't you back down? Do you enjoy making him angry? I think you need help, too.
Rather than "thrifty fun" I think Ann Landers, Dear Abby or a clergyman might be of help. I don`t feel your situation is anything "fun" I do hope you can find help to resolve this situation. Sounds like the feedback thus far has some good ideas. Good luck.
First the person who suggested you should back down is not helpful that would be submission who wants that?
Please do this safely!!! Do not let him know you are thinking or planning on leaving as women trying to leave an abuser are in great DANGER. Do not idly
threaten to leave either, just do it quickly if needed call police calmly when you are safe and ask for help leaving safely.
Many men/women feel threatened when one partner seeks to educate or lose weight just better themselves they feel they are losing you...
So if you know what to do DO IT do not let $$ stand in your way, oh and you would be using him too then wouldn't you? You can do it on your own.
Oh and advice is cheap and easy do what makes you feel safe and better about yourself.Prayer helps and may help you feel stronger on your own.
Life is too short to live half a life.
I have also been through a similar situation, and have a sister who calls on occasion to tell her own horrorific situation. This is more common than you may realize. So far all suggestions are excellent. LEAVING IS SCARY!
1. Pray, and trust God, your father to take care of you.
2. Go to Alanon meetings, a good way to develop a support system, learn some tools to deal with this situation, and it's free.
3. Form a plan and stick to it as much as possible. Revise it if you have to, but have a game plan. Setting goals and time limits will help to ensure success. Contact social service organizations listed in the phone book, set up times to meet with them and follow through with appointments. Catholic Charities has counselors and assistance programs and you don't have to be Catholic to get their help.
4. Believe in yourself!
God will bless you...
Hi honey. First off you should be very proud that you are educating yourself and preparing for financial indepence, regardless of the circumstances. However a couple of things come to mind, and I am by no means trying to desparage, only to understand. You say you've been married 17 years. Is this behavior of his new? Did something happen that triggered his self-destructive behavior? Running out on a marriage is the last thing tha should be done unless physical or sexual abuse is taking place. Maybe he's crying out for help. To many people run when the going gets tough, but we all committed to "for better or worse". He may be pushing you hoping you'll back him into a corner and force him to help himself because he feels to weak to do it alone. Second, if he is actually abusive, do NOT stay one more second. Every moment you stay you teach your daughter it's okay to be treated in this fashion by a husband and she is more likely to repeat the pattern as an adult. Call a shelter, the local batered women's home, anyone who will have you. Possessions can be replaced, your life and that of your daughter's can not. Good luck to you and think hard about what you choose to do. Perhaps leaving for a while and showing him your serious would be enough to provide him with the motivation he needs to get well. Bless you and yours. Take care.
Do not take abuse, get out as quickly and safely as you can. Abuse will not go away. It just gets worse with time. Get all your important papers together and put them in a safety deposit box or with a trusted friend or relative. This should include your birth certificate, some cash if possible, credit cards, passport, marriage liscence, social security card, and anything that is precious to you (photos, etc,). Possessions can be replaced but you can't. Verbal abuse leads to physical abuse very suddenly, and verbal abuse is abuse. Go to a shelter for battered women and they will provide a safe place to stay, counseling, legal help, and will help you to locate financial help when needed. You are not alone and there is help if you reach out for it. My daughter did and she has regained her self respedt, dignity, and survived well with counseling and God's help.
The DEAR ABBY remark bothered me. You know sometimes when we have problems we vent them to whoever we can if they seem to be concerned about the problems of others. I think Thrifty Fun readers are wonderful, caring people who not only share ways to make living easier but who share life experiences so that others can benefit from our mistakes along the way. There are a lot of listening ears here, and a lot of prayers going up in the reader's behalf.I hope you always keep the lines of communication opened to your readers life problems.
Go to Al-Anon. They can help you to understand it is not the alcoholic's drinking, it is your reaction to it. You can stay in the situation and still be happy. I learned to never argue with a drunk person and that will work. It is all about choices. He can choose to drink or not drink and you can choose to react or not react to him. You can also choose to live with him or move out. It all depends on what you want for you and your child.
Check with your local police department or ADT Security Services Sales Office about the A.W.A.R.E. Program. This program provides free equipment and monitoring for women in abusive relationships to get help silently, safely, and fast. My understanding is that it has helped save 38 lives so far. I do not know the specifics of the program, or what is required to be eligible. You can try calling ADT at 1-800-238-2727 for more info or visit http://www.adt.com and your local police/sheriffs department. Good luck and be careful. :)
Since it is only you, one year of college left, no kids, the colleges always need dorm monitors - free room, board, and tuition.
The fighting -- his drinking is a life style pattern. Hard to break. My dad came and got me. My college age kids thought it was OK for husband who alsways was quoting "he loved me but did not LIKE me" generated fights etc. He lost his 2 separate $100,000 jobs due to blood drug testing and no prescriptions for the drugs in his system.
He was never able to replace his professional jobs,
Very difficult to live with him and no jobs. drugs--
That FEAR of the next thing is very difficult to see.
You get isolated from your family - hard to reach out to others. Cannot make this change by yourself. You have to have someone to lean on during the MOVE>
The most difficult thing I ever did was to walk out of that home I had build, lost my kids, pride, and forced to start over. I was forced out of my home in the end - would have been better if I had walked out. You see I am legally handicapped.
My Dad came back and saved ME. 7 years later I see I have saved my son, My x-husband finally got him major medical help - my daughter is
doing little better still does not see dad's drug problem. takes time maybe years. I started my own business, have new friends, not much with old family - my brother and my family are close now.""
My ex-husband was the same way. People would tell me he can't be an alcoholic because he only drinks beer. He would literally go through a 12-pack in one evening. The more he drank, the more he became convinced that other people, especially me, were jerks and had done him wrong. He lost jobs, was deep in debt, but nothing changed. The best thing I ever did was divorce him. Yes, I took some heat from people who didn't believe he had a problem- including him. Once he was gone it was like a clean wind blowing through my home. I found I could deal with whatever life threw at me much better without him.
I'm financially independent woman. I am married and have a daughter an year and half old. My husband is also earning but a little lesser than me. He is dependent on me for paying the rent of the house. He agreed to bring the grocery items. I do all the household work. He doesn't lift a waste paper and throw it in the dust bin.
He loves his daughter. Being a working lady I'm not able to concentrate on my daughter but I'll do whatever I can. Besides this I need to do cooking in the house. He never helps me and keeps abusing me for what I couldn't do. I'm not understanding how to get rid of him. I'm staying with him just for the society. I'm confident of bringing up my daughter at my own expenses. I can give her good education. But I really can't bear his abuses just for the sake of the money he is spending on the groceries. Please help me. And give a good suggestion.
Gayatri from India
I have been married for 25 years. Three months into our marriage my husband accused me of cheating on him, that never happened. Then he would say little things while we were out at footballs games, the mall, etc. like "Are you looking for your boyfriend?" On the night of my mother's wake I was asked if I was "doing" a co worker. He would call me crazy and stupid, several times a week. During the last three years he has mellowed out, but, I will mention I confronted him about texting another woman. Is this abuse, to be honest I really don't know, my counselor says it is.
By not for sure
This is called verbal abuse. Your therapist is right.
"Verbal abuse is the consistent demeaning of another. It may in fact take the form of angry outbursts. On the other hand it may take the form of cold, calculating, consistent put-downs. It may even take the form of disparaging humor.
The key to verbal abuse is the word demeaning. And the abuser may be a man or a woman."
I'm a 41 year old male. I have a good job, I start work everyday at 4:30 am and get home around 5:30 pm. My wife is a stay at home mom that doesn't clean, cook anymore, etc.
She had shoulder surgery a few weeks ago and has had a sitter watch the kids most of the time. I give her baths and help her change clothes, I cook for the kids, I wash the clothes, clean the house, and do all other chores. By the time I'm done I get to bed around 12 am. Since she sleeps most of the day she stays up at night.
My father was just put into a nursing home yesterday because he has Parkinson's and has been making poor decisions. My mother asked if I could visit him and bring his laptop, a pillow and $10 for the nurse to use for a haircut and drinks. My wife was supportive of this before I left to go bring him these things so things were pleasant. Oh by the way my wife is abusing her pain meds that the doctor gives her by taking too much at a time. She is also diabetic and taking Lexapro.
I went to the nursing home to take the items and talk to my dad and after about 45 minutes there she starts calling me on my cell phone telling me it's time to come home. She called repeatly over the next 15 minutes until I finally left. On my way home which is only 3.3 miles away she starts texting me, cursing me, calling me names, telling me to eat s%#t, and don't come home etc. She is accusing me of giving my dad more than $10 which is a joke and cursing me and telling me she hopes I die.
When I got home and she just goes off with the cuts and the threats in front of our 8 year old and 4 year old girls upsetting them. Saying how her and her mother think I'm a worthless piece of crap and that I am giving all our money away to him. She doesn't stop cutting me down and this goes on until around midnight. I attempted to take children to their grandmother's house to get away from her screaming and crazy talk but their grandmother must have not been home since we rang the doorbell, beat on door, called her house, and cell phone. We had to go back home then. I came in and went to sleep in the kids' room with them. My wife stayed up watching TV and smoking and fussing. I woke up for work and she started on me again this morning with the threats and cursing and the hoping that I will die on the way to work, calling me worthless and telling me how much her family hates me and thinks I'm worthless also.
She may be sweet when I get home, I don't know, but she does this in spurts and I don't know what to do. She will not go to counseling because she is in denial, I don't want to get a divorce because I don't want that for my children. My parents are divorced, her brother is divorced, and her other brother is married but has a girlfriend that he says is his soul mate. Her dad works in another state and has been cheating on her mom for years, but her mom doesn't seem to care as long as he is getting paid. She also was married for 6 weeks before we were married. I have known her since she was 16, but it's like she is getting meaner as the years go by. What should I do?
My sister had an affair three years ago and her marriage has not been good since her daughter's birth 6 yrs ago due to him yelling, calling her names, and saying he wouldn't feed her. It just got worse when the affair came about. He constantly calls her names, threatens anyone that goes against him, goes into my sister's accounts and deletes things, and calls her names daily in front of kids. She has gone to counseling cause he tells her she's the crazy one because she cries from his words. She tried leaving a year ago, but he told her not to, so she didn't because he said she would never hear of the affair or be called names anymore. Well 9 months later with a new baby it's still happening. He tells her she isn't his wife, kicked her out the bed (but still wants sex), makes fun of her, and says she is nasty. She tries to defend herself, but makes him angrier. Now if she has contact with men business wise he doesn't believe it and says it's another affair and he will make them all pay. This isn't half of what is really happening, but we tell her to get away and it goes right back to being able to support the kids.
I have been married to my husband for 25 years. We started out rocky and it only got worse. By the end of the first year, he was staying out all night, drinking, and coming home and getting a couple of hours of sleep before he had to be at his post (U.S. Navy). He threatened me many times that if I gained weight, he would divorce me. One time, he didn't like what I said and he punched me in the arm. That is the only time that he has hit me.
Three years after we were married, we went through divorce court, after he had called me from Australia and told me that he never wanted to see me again. Before the divorce was final he had begged his way back in and we were together for 5 more years, before he took an unaccompanied tour. There he got into trouble and was dismissed from the military. I wanted a divorce then, but he seemed to have learned a valuable lesson and I felt that our children needed their dad around.
Over the years he has gone through the usual cycle of calmness and then the verbal and emotional abuse, even to our grown daughters. Since our last move to San Antonio, he has gotten worse. It is almost to the verbal level it was when we first got married. My oldest daughter says that he acts like he owns everyone. My daughters are so angry with him, but they do not want their parents to split. I am at my whits end and I really just need the peace now. I'm not sure how or what to do. Is there any advice that can be offered?
By Lana R.
After 42 years of dealing with my husband's verbal abuse and bullying; should I stay? My husband was bossy and a bit of a bully before we got married. Since then he has found every reason to blame everything that goes wrong in his world on me. When we were first dating, he refused to bring me to my high school prom, (he went to both of his), then later on he let his family walk all over me. When I wanted to get married, he said not in my church because I was Catholic, and his family wouldn't approve, although they really didn't attend church and he was not even baptized. When we finally did get married, we eloped at his convenience, and we went where he wanted to go, to a Methodist church.
When our first child was born, he was disappointed and even let his obnoxious mother comment that she would have to wait on his brother to get them the boy. This she said in front of my mother. My husband would not let me raise the baby as I saw fit. If I held her down to get medicine in her, as the doctor had instructed me to do, he would yell at me, and one day he actually shoved me. Once our daughter got old enough to not need diapers or bottles, he would take her and do things that made me look like the mean one. Once his father was riding a horse through our yard, and he placed my 4 month old baby up on the horse with his father, even though I said, "No, it's dangerous" he did it anyway, and then the horse reared up and the baby was almost dropped. My husband got mad at me because I said I told him it was dangerous, and then he threw apples at me and his sister.
I could go on and on, but the bottom line is that every 6 weeks or so, my husband picks a fight about something and has done it for 42 yrs. and if I fight him back, lt gets nasty for me and the kids.
He is not like this with anyone else, he puts on a goody goody act, but can snap right back into his troll act at will. He has criticized me for biting a cold sore. He said it looked like I wanted to tell his aunt something. l was just biting it because it hurt. He fought with my daughter because she wanted to have a 16th birthday party outside on our lawn (we lived on 12 acres in the country). He has never taken me on a real honeymoon. We went fishing at his family's primitive cabin (it had no bathroom facilities, just an outhouse and old wash tub, no hot water).
The bullying started before we got married. He got angry with me the day we got married because I went to Montgomery Ward and bought a dress to get married in with money my parents gave me! We don't go on vacations. Our kids are grown and I work and he's retired. We could go on nice vacations, for birthdays or anniversaries, but we never go. If I suggest it, he sighs a sigh of disgust and we end up doing nothing. If I'll pay for dinner or bills or groceries, or use my car and gas...he lets me. I could go on and on. I just would like your thoughts. By the way I have a masters degree and am a certified school principal. I have patience, but it is wearing thin. Please tell me what you think.
I'm 27 and I have 3 kids with my husband, who is 25. I been with him for 13 years now, but for the last 3 years it's been on and off. We were separated for almost a year. I was moving on with my kids and we were happy. I despise of my status here.
But he decided to come back in this picture when he started to see that I was doing good. And sadly, I took him back cus deep down inside I still loved him and still do.
He never paid attention to his kids and my oldest boy (8yrs). I think he has something against his dad because there have been times when he tells me that he don't care if his dad leaves because he's used to it and that he honestly prefers his dad to leave as he is really mean to me. It breaks my heart to hear him talk like that his only 8.
The beginning of this year everything started to go down hill. He has never acted this way. He is always getting mad for everything I do. He hasn't really hit me, but he pushes me and throws me to the ground. He did smack me once on the side of my face. He calls me names that really hurt. I always find myself crying and depressed.
Just recently he started not to come home. Before it was only one day, but know it's sometimes 3 days. The worst part is that he comes home and expects me not to ask him were he has been. He says he doesn't have anyone else, but that's really hard to believe even though sometimes I know where he is. I guess what he likes doing now is going out with his friends to drink and get high. He says he loves me, but that I bitch and whine too much. Well what does he expect? For me to be okay with how his treating me?
I really don't know what to do. We agreed when we got back together that this was our last chance of trying, but I guess that really doesn't matter to him. Sometimes I think I'm really dumb for still sticking around and to keep hoping he will change, especially because I feel that it's my fault my kids are going thru this. I should be protecting them from everything. I think the reason why I'm still here is because he wasn't like this before. Ever since he started to hang around his friends that don't have kids or a wife he changed; like if he wants to be just like them "single". I tell him if that's the case then to leave me, but he doesn't. I don't know. Can someone please help me and tell me what to do? I know what the obvious thing is to do here, but it's easy to say, but really hard to do. I can't really provide for my kids if I were to be on my own. Thanks.
By Joanna N.
My sister has a history of having a difficult marriage. It is only more recently that we, her family, are finding out just how difficult. Her husband has been verbally and emotionally abusing her for years. She has 4 kids with him and lives in a different state than we do.
Their one child is a special needs child and he, in particular, is who my sister worries about the most. She is concerned that her husband will "go after him". I don't know exactly what that means, she says he is not physically abusive, but he spends all his time hollering at the kids when he gets home from work.
He has made it clear to my sister that everything (all possessions) is his. Last night my sister had to run an errand, she usually keeps the kids with her all the time, but she couldn't take them. When she got home her 2 middle boys were upset to the point of being traumatized.
She had an argument with her husband and tried to go to a friend's house which is two hours away. Her oldest son, 12, ran away from her, upset. He ended up going to his paternal grandparents home. My sister was not leaving her husband at this point but just trying to get a break from her husband and so she could rest a little (she has kidney stones right now). She was also trying to convince his family to help him with getting professional help.
This morning her husband called, informed her he froze all assets, and the kids had to be returned home, and that if she left, he would bring up her family's mental issues (my brother has an illness which he has sought help for). I can only assume he is implying that he will try to say she is unfit to parent based on her family's mental issues?
Anyway, long story short, his mother calls, saying that her oldest boy is besides himself. She asks her to come home to take care of him and calm him down. Of course, she went home, being worried about him. She (the mother in law) then goes on to lecture her that she needs to stay with her husband because they have 4 children to raise.
We are extremely upset and concerned. He does carry a gun in his car. How can we best help her or point her to help? We don't have a lot of money, while his side does. We've considered moving there to try to help her with the kids, but she is hoping to get out of the state she is in because she hates it there.
My husband and I have been married for 11 years and together for 13. We both came from bad marriages and we have 7 children between us with the youngest being ours. My daughter who is 16 recently accused him of sexual abuse. CPS was contacted by her school counselor and she was put in foster care. She is now living with my sister. I let my husband stay in the home with me and my son while the investigation is going on?
I now realize that he has been verbally abusive throughout our marriage not only to me but my children as well. He has lost his job within the last year and has now been diagnosed with major depression and hallucinations. So now he can't work. My daughter is angry with me because she thinks I have taken sides. I am not happy anymore and haven't been for a long time. I am the major breadwinner and have a good job. Any advice for me about my situation? Do I stay or go?
By Rana D
I have been married for 7 years. He has always been abusive. I have had 2 trips to the hospital, and 1 broken finger while he was trying to take my keys. He finally stopped the physical abuse, but started mentally abusing me.
I finally got the courage to take our 2 kids, move out and file for divorce. A month into our divorce he talked me into staying all night with him, and things where great for a couple weeks. Then he slowly started screaming at me again and calling me babes in front of our kids. So I left again. Now he's texting and calling; saying he's sorry it won't happen again. Do you think people ever really change?
I have been married for one and a half years and I just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl a month ago.
Previously, my ex husband (5 years) cheated on me with so many other women that it almost lead me towards suicide, despite my Christian upbringing I attempted this. I could not bear to face my family's great disappointment. Finally, it ended up in a divorce, as things would not improve between us.
About a year later, I met this young gentlemen, who showed so much love, respect, and hope that I decided to get married again. But sadly, it turns out to be a nightmare worse than ever before. As I found out later, that this man is so incorrigible that when he gets mad even for the slightest thing, he screams such utter filth that I can't believe my ears. Not only that he has hit me and hammered me many times which I have kept to myself as I am ashamed to tell my parents that my second marriage is also a disaster. He starts saying evil things about my parents and say the dirtiest things about them, which hurt me the most. My mother passed away a few months ago, and even while she was hospitalized he was calling my mom a whore and wanted her to die soon. Even at the funeral he was not supportive at all. I am from a respected family and I have been brought up in a spiritual way, as my dad is a pastor you could imagine the rest. I don't know what to do. Please advise me.
I am confused as I am a mother of a child now, secondly I don't want to be in divorced state again and thirdly when he cools down he comes and apologizes and always makes it up to me.
I wish my mother was there to guide me as she is the only one who I could open up to.
I came from an abusive home. He knows this, after 26 yrs. He cuts me down in front of my girls, saying my mind is tainted, making stuff up. I had a stroke in 2009 and he was working in California. He did not come home to take care of my 2 girls, one was 10 and the other 5 at the time. He did come home once. I begged him to stay, but he left us again. He has not worked lately. He says he has to be here for me. I took care of and still take care of my girls. He says the same to them, telling them they sit on their brain in a nice way. He says we are brainless and tells us we are slobs. My house has always been clean. I also have fibromyalgia and I hurt, but he has me up early cooking, making coffee. I have got to clean the laundry. On my bad days he yells at me. Part of my left side doesn't work well. We hide and go in our rooms or one room together. I'm scared if I do something he will hurt us.
My life has been a very confusing mess. Since I have known my husband he's been very moody, but accuses me of being very moody. I have always been liked, can hold down a job, I am college educated, and can support myself. One of the biggest pain points in our marriage is that we decided to start a business together. I came up with the name, logo, and helped to land the first major contract. I developed all of the training materials for our staff and was the client liaison. Out of the blue my husband says I am difficult to work with, everyone says I am impossible and that I am not to ever come back. Just like that. I was devastated.
Since then, we get into little arguments that always start off with me getting aggravated over something silly like him talking to his business partner on a Sunday morning for 30 minutes, and complaining about his ex-wife. When I say that this was annoying, I am accused of having the worst temper in the world, being horribly mean, overreacting, and being completely irrational. Then I get the cold shoulder, he looks off into space, and then when he does talk only refers to me as a child or will whisper because "he doesn't want to fight anymore." I literally feel crazy. Am I? Am I this monster and I don't know it, is that possible?
I have been with my husband for 16 years. During this time he has been verbally abusive to me and my daughter. He has also hit me several times, including today. We have custody of my daughter's oldest son and I am afraid he will grow up to be like him because he hears the things he has said to me.
I receive SSD so I don't have a lot of money coming in and since we did not adopt my grandson even though as far as he is concerned we are mom and dad I am not able to collect anything in my disability for him. I just don't know how I can get away from him before it is too late for me and my little one.
My husband has told me that he will hunt me down and kill me if necessary to get his "son" back. They have no blood ties. My daughter does not like him and I fear if I leave him he will go after her to get to me. She has said for me not to worry that she can take care of herself, but she has two small children at home and her husband works during the day.
I just wish there was a way to get out I have even considered moving overseas so he can't follow me, but, of course this would take a considerable amount of money which I do not have.
What can I do?
I have been with my husband for nearly 20 years and we have 5 children, who range in age from 17 to 5. When we met in college, his neediness to be "taken care of" appealed to my nurturing side and I happily obliged.
He has never paid a bill in all our years as a couple. He has never taken a second job to help pay those bills even though he loves to complain about what we don't have. He has an issue with his temper. I saw it when we were dating, but it was usually over the outcome of a sporting event so I didn't place much stock in it.
We have struggled all our married life to keep our heads above water and to maintain a happy environment for our kids. I adore being a Mom, but because he wouldn't take a second job I have had to work multiple jobs to provide for our children's needs to the point that I work nearly all of the time (literally).
He is constantly at odds with the kids, but mostly our oldest daughter because she doesn't hold back when she sees something being done wrong. He acts like a child more often than not, throwing things at the kids to "get their attention" and then ignoring them when they want his. He demands "respect", but does very little to earn it and doesn't feel he needs to give it to get it. He has admitted to our oldest that "sometimes he wishes he hadn't had kids". He has said on more than one occasion "if we hadn't had so many kids...". More often than not, when I have to work or run an errand he refers to having to watch the youngest ones as "being stuck with them". He's even said openly that he can't stand our daughter and told her as much.
In anger (usually at one or more of the kids) he's flipped tables, thrown remotes at heads, basketballs in faces, toys across the room. etc. He threatens to "beat" them and gets such a look of rage on his face over the littlest of things that it scares even me. More than once I've had to intervene, in fact I play referee between him and the kids more than anything else. He is constantly threatening to skip holidays or birthday gifts because "they don't do anything to deserve it" and I am left finding a way to do it on my own. The phrase "don't tell Dad" takes on new meaning here. He thinks feeding them dinner is a "treat"! He gives them the silent treatment or the cold shoulder as punishment when he's mad at them and holds a grudge. He won't show affection or tell them he loves them when he's in this state of mind and the kids are painfully aware of it!
I home school my oldest two because of a learning disability and a health issue and it's been a positive experience for the most part, but my husband is always saying how they'll never be able to make it in the real world because of it. Were it not for my two oldest being home schooled, I couldn't work like I do. They take turns watching their younger brother and sister before and after school and usually get that responsibility on the weekends because their father doesn't think he should have to because it's his only time off. Never mind the fact that I work six days a week 12 or more hours a day. He criticizes me in front of the kids for how long I'm gone when I go to the store or for how I spend money and for the things I do with it. He refuses to take the kids anywhere unless it serves his needs, he throws past mistakes with finances or attempts at improving our relationships in my face during an argument or the fact that I've held several jobs since we started our family nearly two decades ago (only because I was trying to be home more than away and raise my kids myself and avoid the high cost of daycare).
We are expected to spend time with his family whenever an opportunity arises, but if I want to do something with mine (who live 2 hours away or more) he says the kids have to "earn it". He even makes derogatory comments about them as if they are not as "normal" as his own. I have been living away from my family all of my adult life and it saddens me to think of all the wonderful memories my children could have had. My dad is gone now, Mom re-married and my nieces and nephews are all grown up. We can't get that time back.
If I ask him to help out with the kids or by doing something like take out the garbage or fix something that's broken he either puts it off indefinitely or asks one of the kids to do it, but if he asks one of them or me to do something and we do the same he flips out. He's constantly saying how if everyone would just keep him happy things would be a whole lot better at home. He pressures me for sex and openly "jokes" about not getting it often enough in front of other people. He makes lewd comments and gestures in front of the kids that make them uncomfortable and then says "at least you have two parents who love each other". He leaves bathing and bedtime to me or expects the older kids to do it. His main concern is for himself. He yells at the kids for changing the channel or leaving food out, but when he does it it's okay cause it's "his house", "his TV", or "his money that bought the food". (His take home is less than mine, btw). Combined, the two of us make just enough to "not" qualify for any help, but not enough to "not" need it!
He is highly unmotivated and extremely negative about anything and everything to the point that the older kids want me to leave. I feel like we're walking on eggshells waiting for the next blow up. Even the kids' friends notice and don't like to come around when he's there because he screams and yells in front of them too! I'm constantly having to choose between him and the kids. I too dream of leaving rather than staying, but with five kids and questionable "abuse" I feel foolish seeking help from a shelter.
I am fiercely loyal to my work (which I love) and don't want to leave the area because of that. I've cared for a friend's elderly Father who suffers from Alzheimer's for several years. It's the reason I can work so much and still home school! I just want it to be me and the kids so I can salvage what's left of their childhood, but can't imagine being able to do this on my own. I feel very "stuck"! I even tried to leave twice before, but financially it's just so difficult. I asked him to leave and deal with his anger issues and he refused, saying he didn't think it was necessary. Sadly, I love him, but am not in love with him anymore. I've made my share of mistakes over the years, but marrying him wasn't one of them because it gave me my kids whom I adore. I fear that staying with him will cause me to lose them and that is something I could not bear. Any advice or direction you can offer would be greatly appreciated.
I have been with my husband for 10 years and married for 8 years. After the kids I got really depressed, but my husband didn't help either. He would always point out how hot these other girls were and how he would have sex with them. Then it got to the point he started to ask me, for years, to add people to our marriage. Not one day went by where I didn't felt helpess and worthless with him. I don't feel like his wife, just a maid or slave to him. I have told him this, at first he didn't understand, but now he is saying he is going to do better, but I don't believe him. It happens so often, over and over again, he wants to work it out, but I'm afraid it's too late. I dont want to do anymore, I'm so confused, any advice?
I have been with this man for 14 yrs, When he gets angry he's really mean and calls me all kind of names. He has hit me before. We have got 2 boys 15 & 7. He hasn't hit me in a while, but always threatens me that he is gonna hit me.
Last night he asked me about my job. I work 10 hrs a day. He's disabled and stays at home and sleeps all day. Most of the time my oldest takes more care of my youngest than he does. I'm an account manager at a rent to own furniture store and one of the guys used to help me when I had to pick merchandise. Yesterday he asked me who was helping now that he left and I told him the manager is. Then he said does mean he's picking up your stuff now? I told him no, he sent the delivery guy. He got so mad because I didn't say the delivery driver helps me too. He thinks I like him and I don't even talk to the guy. He called me all kinds of names, cursed me out and got in my face yelling. His hand was all in front of my face. I told him he needed to move his hand away from my face and he got angrier and started to say if I didn't stop telling him that, he would hit me, saying I was being sneaky and trying to lie because I like the guy.
I tried to talk to him again today, no luck. There were more insults and name calling. It was so loud that my kids could hear everything. I don't know what to do any more. I feel so sad, I cry all night and when I think about it I want to cry more. I'm so tired and unhappy. He always tells me it is my fault because I don't know how to communicate or have conversations and that's why he gets so angry. He doesn't have patience for stupidity. He says it is my fault because I didn't tell him that my manager was helping me by sending the delivery guy to pickup my merchandise? Instead I told him my manager was helping me?
My husband and I have been together for 19 years and married for 13. We have two sons ages 16 and 9. They are the most wonderful things in my life! My husband and I have our share of problems which go back for years. When we argue my husband makes our 16 year old come in the room and listen and watch everything. He puts me down and calls me names in front of my kids. I feel so degraded, so awful about myself, with no self esteem left.
Well this year my husband gives me an ultimatum, either sign divorce papers or I have to get out of the house knowing I have nowhere to go. So I signed the papers. All I get is my car and joint custody with child support. He decided how much to pay and could very well be paying more.
Well we're divorced now and still live together for the time being. My question is can I go and change some things on the divorce papers since I was forced into signing them in the first place?