Dealing With an Abusive Spouse

I'm a 27 year old woman, my husband is 28. He and I have been married for 7 months. Right now I'm a stay at home wife and I can't work until a certain period. Before marrying my husband I had my own apartment, car, income from my family and was going to college. He graduated a semester ahead of me and I encouraged him to get a proper job since he was done with school. He did and moved to another city.

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Then later I graduated, we got married, and I moved in with him to his apartment. He fully understood that once we got married I couldn't work for a while because we are sorting out my immigration paper work and he accepted that.

Now I live with him and my family has stoped supporting me financially since I'm no longer a student; now I'm a wife. I believe I'm a good wife. I cook, clean, do laundry, and make sure he's well taken of in every way I can.

However when we fight he doesn't fail every single time to tell me that I'm surviving through his mercy, that the food I eat is his, and the shelter I live in is his. So I told him that from now on I'll be buying myself my own food and I'll figure out my own share of the rent somehow. It bothers me cause I don't ask him for his money not even to buy deodorant. Instead when I need something I ask my family to help me with a little money for toiletries and they have been kind enough to give me $100 monthly for toiletries and I save from that money.

We have had a few big fights where he punched through the door because he was screaming in my face and I went to hide in the bathroom. After that fight he apologized and promised never to do it again, but I was scared and I came up with a silly resolution, to get a dog thinking that maybe it will help when there's tension and something that will kinda be in between us instead of just us. I did and even though he hated the idea he agreed with my reasoning. I did and now we have a dog and with the money I get from my family for toiletries I pay rent for my dog because she's my responsibility.

We decided to buy a couch. I used the toiletry money to pay for my share of the couch. I have bought a few pieces in the apartment with my money and he expects that I pay my share even though I'm not working. On top of that he likes to interfere with how I spend my money. He doesn't like when I buy things for the dog. I don't even know how much he makes and probably will never know, but I don't care.

After our last fight I asked him why he married me if all he wanted was a roommate cause it seems as if even though I'm not working he expects me to hold up my end of the bargain and it is putting me under so much stress. I regret being stuck in this situation cause I can't leave right now and I don't know how am I going to be able to take this for.

I love my husband and he is sweet when he can be, but when he is angry he turns the whole household toxic and it is horrifying. He has never beaten me, but seeing how violent he can be with walls and doors I worry and I feel like the situation is only getting worst.

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February 21, 20180 found this helpful
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This is an abusive relationship and is only going to get worse. He is going to start punching you instead of doors. Let your family know what is going on and let them provide transportation back home. This man isnt going to change.

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March 11, 20180 found this helpful

Get out while you still can. He will rob years out of your life and make you miserable. There are good men out there. He has problems. There are no guarantees that he will ever correct them. In the meantime you are his punching bag.

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February 21, 20180 found this helpful
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I know you mentioned a little background story about your situation, but how was the dating like with your husband, then boyfriend? Did you two date for awhile before settling down and getting married?

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Do you know his financial situation? Are bills struggling? If he has always been like this then it does not seem like a good and healthy relationship. I would get out of it quicker.

But, since you mentioned your background story how you had your own apartment (not sure how that's being paid or how it worked out), car, income from your family - perhaps he was used to that until everything was cut off. A different lifestyle and adjustment from him. Could be stress? Whichever the case it is best to communicate with each other and find the root cause.

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February 23, 20180 found this helpful
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What ever you do DO NOT let your husband know you have written your situation on a "Answer a question" site, I believe that would anger him even farther . You are signed in as "byvines25" I am hoping that he would not recognize that BUT as you have explained in detail your situation as it is now I think he would see that it is address as him.

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You need counseling so I think you should go to the proper authority and tell all to a person who is trained to help you in you situation.
I do wish you the best of luck, sounds like you are trying to make your marriage work.

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February 24, 20180 found this helpful
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It appears you are in a relationship with a person who has no respect for himself nor you his wife. You should not be in a relationship when you are mistreated daily. A man would not treat his wife that way so I believe you are married to a self control idiot. If you were my daughter I would ask you to seek counseling if that won't work become single and disengage yourself from this person. Be a happy camper and find someone who will respect, love, cherish, and honor you not take advantage of you. Be prayerful and I am wishing you the best I am glad you recognize this before children came into the picture.

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February 24, 20180 found this helpful

The man (or boy) that you are with is not your husband if full sense if he treats you like that after being married 7 months what is going to happen in the future months. I pray you get your papers completed really quick. He is not going to change on second thought what would happen if a child is born. You are already in the light and can see what kind of person he is DO NOT get in the dark WHERE YOU CAN'T SEE THE LIGHT!

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There are plenty of MEN who would make you a good husband and show you how a MAN should and would act. It takes TWO to be in a marriage. Do not let this boy take advantage of you, do what is going to MAKE YOU HAPPY and by reading your message you are NOT happy. Blessings to you and your happy future.

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February 25, 20180 found this helpful
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I believe all wife beaters start this way. It will get worse. If you can get out, go and please please don't ever leave the dog alone with him.

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February 22, 20180 found this helpful

The situation you describe does not sound like a healthy relationship for either you or your husband.

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  • If I am reading this correctly, you are going through a period of "waiting" for the required length of time for your immigration papers to be approved.
  • Are you in this country on some sort of education visa and since you are no longer in school this no longer applies?
  • Do you feel your husband is "abusing" you because he knows you HAVE to stay with him until the required length of time (of being "happily" married) or you will loose your chance to become a legal citizen?
  • This time period (in years past) was one year and a review was made to make sure the marriage was not just a farce to help someone gain legal status. There were also several reviews at later periods before it became legal.
  • This may not be your case but if it is anything similar you may have trouble passing any reviews and your husband may hold this over your head until all of the reviews have been passed.
  • Is it possible that your parents do not live in the US and you cannot go to them for help?
  • Have you informed your parents of the type of life you are living?
  • It would be better if the two of you could receive counseling but with your immigration status that will probably not be possible.
  • From all that you describe, it does not appear that you have any intention to seek outside help or that you have any plans to move out so there is not very much actual "help" that anyone on this site can offer.
  • I am sorry you are in this kind of situation but the only advice I can offer is that you try to make the best of a bad situation or move out and hopefully find another way to complete your immigration process.
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March 18, 20180 found this helpful

nothing much new to add here. This bloke sound like Bad News. Predictive studies say that the chances that he will hit you or future children approach one.

With people like this there are issues of limits. He asks and you give, but he always asks for more because i guess his emotional needs are insatiable? He sounds like a very selfish person who requires huge limits put on his behaviour, limits you cannot set. The fact is nobody can set these limits because it sounds like he is just 'one of those people' who has huge control and rage issues.

I can't imagine one rubric under which it would be a good idea to stay with this person unless you found a way to check his behaviour, earn some respect, etc. Even if you did manage to set boundaries to the level tht he actually respected you, the fact he has impulse control enough to hit walls means there will always a risk he will lose it one day

doesn't seem worth it

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March 20, 20180 found this helpful

Get out! No matter if u have to live in a shelter. He is a controller. The abuse u are describing is emotional. So much worse than physical. I know i just left my husband of 13 years . i had left him once was homeless for 2 weeks. Long story short. Protection order on him had to drop and move back in because i became disabled. That was sheer HELL. I lived in my bedroom to avoid his crap. Got my SSD and i am out for good! Now I have anxiety attacks and have to take pills. Am very much in trouble because of payday loans. I know better but my mind was not right. Please get out and dont look back. He will never change no matter what he promises. Listen to your head not your heart because your heart can be fooled. You were independant and can be again. Dont wait like I did. It could be fatal. My prayers and confidence are with you. Please

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