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Dealing With a Physically Abusive Husband

Sadly some relationships devolve into ones where verbal abuse leads to physical violence. This is a guide about dealing with a physically abusive husband.
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Ask a QuestionHere are the questions asked by community members. Read on to see the answers provided by the ThriftyFun community or ask a new question.

March 1, 20121 found this helpful

How can a stay at home mom of 3 kids leave an abusive husband that won't give her any money? I have been married for 15 years and have been a stay home mom since our first of 3 kids was born. It has always been hard because I had no help.

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He is so controlling I could never get a break since he thought if I had kids with me every second I wouldn't be able to cheat, which is crazy because I have never given reason to think I would. I have been out away from my kids maybe 3 times in 15 years so not much chance I was cheating!

He was not cruel at least then, as far as saying it's his money, but 2 years ago my parents died. They were my only family so he knew I had nowhere to go and the abuse really started. He gives me not even enough money to buy food. I can't even buy the kids clothes they need so badly because anytime I ask him, he screams he is broke. I am sure he is, since he pays every bill the minute he gets it. By time he pays bills there is only a couple hundred left out of his check which is $1500 a week. I suggest that maybe make a bill could wait and I could buy food or clothes. I usually get choked, but always called a mooch, leach, or sponge and told to go find someone else to support my pathetic a**. He says this in front of our kids.

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So pretty much I am dead inside; I am hardly able to function. I try staying strong for the kids, but it's so hard. I know we all have to go through this every day and have no hope it will be better because everything in his name, including the car. If I try having him lease, which he wouldn't do, I would not have a car or a dime because he makes clear he won't give any money until I figure a way to get a lawyer with no money to pay retainer and get him in court.

My kids are terrified I will try divorcing him, even though they can't deal with this hell, because he has pounded in their heads if he ever leaves they will be living in a gutter with their mom because she's too pathetic to support them. Sadly I couldn't support them.

I am desperate to know how can I make him have to pay support from the day he is made to leave; if I am able to get him out? I read a lot where people say go to a friend's or family and I have none of either so it's not an option and the shelters are nowhere near here so I would have to move kids away and take the dog and two cats to a shelter. I have hard time thinking that after the hell they have lived that they should suffer even more rather than the law make him support them?

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By Jodi from Arnold, MO

Answers

March 1, 20120 found this helpful

Jodi, my heart goes out to you. I'm no expert at this, but he needs to be reported for domestic abuse. You're in a tough situation and I will be thinking of a better way to answer this is the meantime.

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March 1, 20121 found this helpful

Number one, get a job, even if it is flipping burgers or cleaning motel rooms. You have to start someplace. Number two, take the kids and move into a domestic abuse shelter. It doesn't matter if the the kids like it or not and you can leave the animals with your husband.

Most shelters will have clothes you can pick from for yourself and the kids. If your kids are old enough to say in court where they prefer to live, leave them with your husband and see how they like it. There must be some food in the house, because I'm sure your husband likes to eat. It might not be what you want but it is still food. If you can afford to buy pet food and cat litter, you can afford to buy food.

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Also most Salvation Army Thrift Stores give out vouchers for free clothes and even furniture when the time comes that you need that. I have heard that a person can pick out three sets of clothes per person with each voucher. The trick there would be to pick out things that you can mix and match, making it look like you have more clothes. Of course wearing jeans and t-shirts there isn't much mixing and matching.

If your husband makes $1500 weekly, you guys must have some whopping big bills, but my thought is, he is putting some of the money where you can't get to it.

Number one, get a job, and move into a domestic abuse shelter, it doesn't matter what the kids prefer - all in all they will be better off in the shelter than where they are now, at least they will be fed, and usually the shelters have clothes that you and your kids can pick from and some of the clothes are really nice.

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From what I have heard the kids get to pick out some toys too. You shouldn't be letting your kids tell you what to do, it is bad enough that your husband uses you for a door mat. You have to grow a back bone and stand up for your rights.

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March 1, 20121 found this helpful

No one can tell you what you should do, because no one knows your situation better than you. There is an organization in your area called Safe Connections that should be able to help you navigate all the obstacles you face right now. http://www.safe … org/Default.aspx

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March 2, 20121 found this helpful

I have read the posts, and agree with them all. I am not sure you can get a job, so that is only for you to decide.

Do report him. If you don't, probably no one else will. You say you try and be strong for your kids, but you have to be strong because of your kids.

I was in an abusing marriage, and after 7 years, I left him and took my daughter with me. The family on both sides helped, but so did social services. I had enough support that he knew I didn't have to even report him to the police, as if he made any trouble they would be there between him and us. Your situation is not the same.

If you don't document every single time, there will be no pattern of abuse, and nothing to prove why you have to leave.

The shelters have independent people who take you in that would be closer to you. I know as I was a "safe house" after I lived in one. They are usually single women who will come and get you and your kids any time you need them. I called the city of Arnold, and they confirmed that the closest shelter is in St. Louis, but I took the liberty of looking up and calling some shelters. Here is the link with the locations and contact numbers.

http://www.dexk … mp;activeSlide=+

I worked in a shelter in Coos Bay, OR in the late 70's when they were pretty much new. We tried to get a woman out of her relationship but she kept going back. He finally killed her. Please, for your sake and the sake of your kids, GET OUT!

I guarantee no one will let you or your kids live in a gutter or starve. He can't kill your spirit unless you let him. There are way more people to help in this world than there are to hurt.

Please find them. Sandi/PBP

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March 3, 20121 found this helpful

There are attorneys who who donate their time in cases like this, although you may have to wait until one if free, to handle a divorce. You can still talk to them regarding your rights. My father told my mother many of the same things.

Once she was finally able to break away and talked to an attorney, he told her that because of the number of years they were married, she had rights to part of everything he had - even a future inheritance he would get when his mother died would be part hers.

My father hanged his tune when he consulted with his attorney and was told the same thing. He didn't mind losing his wife, but having to give her half of everything was another matter.

You can also usually get him to cover some type of education so you can support yourself and the children, and a temporary alimony. He will have to support the kids too, until they turn 18. When you get out, take a financial course; start reading up on it now on the internet. It will help you greatly, in the long run; letting bills go unpaid and leasing an auto are not great financial decisions.

Also, we've lived for years on less than your husband brings home weekly as our total monthly income. You should be able to get by. Unless you have outstanding bills, he is doing something else with the money.

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March 3, 20121 found this helpful

I was a stay at home mom too with one kid (age 1 at the time) and one on the way. I left my husband with nothing but the clothes on our backs and a diaper bag. I had no where to go and not a dime to my name. But I found out that there are organizations and agencies out there that will help you. Since you obviously have access to a computer, go online and research it. You'll be amazed at the options you never knew you had.

The main thing is, though, to leave! His abuse is obviously escalating. Soon he'll be outright beating you, and then come the kids. Don't think he won't beat them too. He will.

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March 3, 20121 found this helpful

Call 211, it is a national hotline. They can put you in touch with nearest agency that deals with abuse and shelters.. Will help you find someone to at least talk to for now. You do not need to stay in this situation. It is not your fault.

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March 3, 20121 found this helpful

Get out now! I am a retired psychologist with 35 years of experience. It always escalates. Pay attention to the person who said that the woman who kept going back got killed. It happens.

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March 3, 20120 found this helpful

Go to church for help. There are those who can help you out there to help support you.

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March 3, 20121 found this helpful

Please, go to a shelter, you don't need to be treated like that. Also, don't use the children as an excuse, you knew your husband was abusive since you had the first child with him, did you think he was going to change and get better by giving him more children? Well, he did he changed and got better; in the ways he abuses you, now you he has more victims to practice with, you and your children. And, you know what, if you stay, your children will treat you exactly the same way he does when they grow up, because their dear father is telling them what a worthless piece of garbage you are every single day of their lives.

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March 3, 20121 found this helpful

A shelter for you and the kids. Get out before you are hurt. After you being hurt, then the kids and the animals. Seems everyone has a solution for you and the children but i hear your fear for the animals. Contact groups and ask if possible that you can put the animals in their care for protection because you are afraid they will be abused when you leave.

Start even with the humane society, a friend, SPCA. Ask for protection so your animals don't end up in a kill shelter. If i were close, I would take them. There are lots just like me that would foster. Get to a group that actually helps.

My favorite (I heard one time) would be to get hubby drunk/passed out. Hand sew him up in the blanket so he can't hurt you, beat the crap out of him with an iron fry pan. Of course, that would make you an abuser so you would not do that. Sure is fun to think of it.

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March 3, 20121 found this helpful

Jodi, your story sounds quite a bit like me writing 20 years ago. I left home with a 14 year old Daughter and a 16 year old son and a dog to a one bedroom apartment, working part time at $8.00 a hour. Thinking back my leaving wasn't the smartest thing to do, but it was easier than getting him out since I talked him into leaving prior.

Once I let him back in thinking he'd change, he vowed he'd never leave again. Of course, he never changed. I was told "I won't give you a dime unless or until a judge tells me I have to". Finally after getting a divorce the judge told him he had to.

I had very little when I left other than money from the part-time-job". I had no family or friends to take me in either. I've never been happier and "No" it didn't take me 20 years to find that happiness. I've never remarried, never wanted to and I've taken pretty darned good care of myself financially although he told me I never could.

I used to think I was weak because he told me so and I cried most days. I get angry when I hear people say "why don't you just leave". It's not easy when you're beaten down, lost all your self confidence, and are told you're lazy and can't take care of yourself. Divorce is not for the weak, it makes most of us strong. If you're like me and a lot of others in your situation you won't have the courage to leave until you gain some self confidence.

For me that was my interactions with people at my part time job where I was treated with respect. My only regret is that I stayed way to long and the impact on my kids. I hope you find a way and my prayers are with you.

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March 3, 20121 found this helpful

Jodi, I just posted but I want to comment on what someone else said. It is NOT always that kids will treat you just like he does. My kids are now adults and they have never been abusive, verbally or physically. Both my kids are very close to me. They never miss my birthday, or Mother's day, call frequently, and come most holidays. So don't let anyone tell you they'll turn out like him.

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March 3, 20121 found this helpful

Jodi, I hope you will listen to all the posts, it will never get better he is a controlling SOB! I left with my two kids and only the clothes on my back, everything else can be replaced but not your life. Run don't walk to your nearest shelter and God Bless you and your kids.

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March 4, 20121 found this helpful

Whatever you do, don't tell him when you have decided to go.I dont know your relationship but many, many times that provokes even more violence towards you & possibly something worse that you could ever expect?

I did what you are doing with a man I started a relationship with at 13, it took me till I was 32 to get out. The fear & helplessness of not knowing how you will take care of your kids & yourself-the unknown about how your life will be & what to do next are very real.

We lost our family dog, 2 cats, & our Molucan Cockatoo to foster homes & a no kill shelter, we had never given up a pet before that time. My children were in middle school, high school, & a 2 year old. It is hard to change, but when we stay we are teaching them what is acceptable in their futures. I am 6 yrs away from him now, not doing perfectly but am in a stable place.

I had a job for 2 years after never being employed & after being laid off in 07 I decided to enroll in school. I am on my way to becoming a counselor. No, its not easy, but I am emotionally much happier & hopeful about my future.

My oldest two are still bitter towards their dad & at times have made comments to me about being a doormat :\ They are affected & all you can do is be the best example you can be of doing the right thing no matter how long it took, never giving up on them or yourself, and that there is hope even when you cant see the end of things.

The shelters that take you in will help support you, provide you with legal help when there's abuse involved, get you into transitional housing & job training (I also had displaced homemaker/life transition classes). There is life beyond where you are now.

Yes, losing your pets is very sad, but they can be fostered out & you could get them back if that's what you decide. Mine wound up on a farm & I couldn't bring myself to take them back & cage them in an apt. We all agreed they were happier there & said goodbye for good the following year.

I wish you the best as you make these hard decisions. No friends or family helped me through this, they were all strangers; new friends made in the process of getting away & in my life since being away from him. Remember just because he says things to you doesn't make that who you are, his words don't make the universe run at his command. We as the abused spouse tend to make them believe the universe does revolve around them because we let him control us.

My ex even tried to get back with me 3 years later, trying to say sorry & I knew how much I needed him. I stayed away. I look at it as how many years of my life did I already give you? We are stronger than we think possible, & when you make one step forward at a time, before you realize it you accomplish much & you ARE in a happier place. God Bless You, don't give up - don't give in!

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June 20, 20131 found this helpful

Yes you can, yes you can! First thing is file for child support and divorce. You will start getting money right away I know you have at least one friend that would let you stay there a few weeks so you can look into the information I am about to for you. You take those babies to a women's battered program call around check your local churches ask for numbers for places who will take in you and your children!

My sister is living in a huge beautiful e home it's a little community for battered women they have a nice play grand and underground pool they have places like this everywhere. Don't think you would have to be in some random homeless shelter. And right now you can start off by going to file for public houses they will give you a vaulter for 800$ or more to rent a house for free. Then you get your kids in a head start program, so you can get a job.

Also the place my sister was staying at is getting her a car helped he get on school. There are places and I really hope you get out don't listen to his bullshit and your kids honey will be proud of you they don't want to hear that stuff and I bet a million dollars it kills them when he says those things to them about you. You can also apply for food stamps and get food. So you can do all of this with no money! There is a way sweet heart you can do it. I would leave so fast his head would spin.

File for a divorce! Please do the right thing and leave what a horrible life for your children or child and yourself. There is so much more to life than that I wouldn't even wish this on my enemy. Insure hope you makes some moves. Also in you can call the 211 hotline and tell them what you need they will give you phone numbers to places who can help you. God bless you sweetheart, insure hope you slap that man with some child support and divorce papers. He will pay you regardless or he will go to jail!

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By 0 found this helpful
April 17, 2017

I have a well paid husband and a 2 year son. I'm 26 years old and unemployed. He often abuses me verbally in little arguments and always says go back to your home (divorce). It's been 4 years that I have been tolerating everything. He has good side also. But today he hit my son accidentally and also hit me very hard so that I almost fell, just because I didn't come when he called. I was in the kitchen washing dishes. Then he started talking about everything being over. What do I do? I'm an Indian and divorce does not go very well with my society. Please suggest some ideas?

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By 0 found this helpful
September 5, 2015

I am 24 years old and 3 months ago married my husband. We had been dating since we were 16. We always had our problems, but here in the last years it has gotten to the point of no return. We ended up getting married, although we always planned to, because we were expecting a baby boy. We got married the week before he was born. My son is now 3 months old. My husband has struggled with a pill addiction for ten years, if he does not take drugs he barely talks to me and my son, so sometimes I give him money just so we can make it through the day. In the last two years he has not held a job or paid for one single bill. While I was pregnant I worked two jobs up until the day I delivered just to get by while he stayed at home and slept.

I am drowning in debt, and can barely pay rent. Recently he has gotten worse than ever before, he had always been slightly verbally abusive, but now he is physically abusive as well. He has also started threatening to kill me, saying his life would be easier if I were dead, and tried to strangle me one night, but stopped as I was gasping for air. I didn't know what changed him so much. Why was he not happy we were finally married? Why was he not so happy about our son? We had always had our problems, but we have been best friends and always been so in love. I finally found out the other day that he has been shooting up heroin. When I confronted him he told me he hated me and locked himself in his room, he then left and got his fix and came back apologizing saying he will change.

The next morning it all started again. When I ask him about getting a job or bother him about bills, he calls me horrible names, like ugly fat bitch, whore, cunt, etc. Last night I was giving it one last chance. We planned to go on a date and he had to get pills first because he can't function without them. While we were going to get the pills I later found out he had actually picked up heroin. I cried all the way home, but he persuaded me that it was his last time and we went to eat. While we were at dinner everything was fine, then we went to pick up our son. I told him when we got home I'd like to go to bed because I had work early this morning. He said that was okay, but once we got home and I tried to sleep, he started saying that he is trying so hard to make things work with me and I'm not trying cuz I wanted to sleep and started saying he is going to find somone else to make me happy.

Since I wanted to discuss this I started trying to talk to him. He told me to shut the "f..." up or he was gonna scream and wake up the baby, that if I said another word I didn't care about our son. Thru the night I would wake up and beg him to stop being this way. He went on to call me an ugly fat bitch and whore. He came over to me and squeezed my face and neck and punched me in the head. He said he would be so happy if I went and died in a ditch, that everyone hates me, even my own family.

All I ever do is try to make my family happy. I work all the time, go to school, and take care of my son while he lays at home until he can get drugs to get up for the day. Why do I still love someone so much that treats me this way? On the way to work this morning and going to drop off my son, I thought of taking my dad's gun and finding a ditch and shooting myself so that my husband will finally be happy, I just can't live with this pain anymore. But my son is everything to me, his my angel sent from heaven the only thing keeping me going. I can't support him on my own I need my husband to start working immediatly so I don't lose my home. I am ashamed to tell my family what is going on and refuse to do so because they already seem like I'm a burden to them.

So what do I do? I don't want to die, I don't want my son living in the hell I've been living in; he deserves so much better. I called my husband, telling him that I feel like dying to please help me and he screamed, "I'm trying to sleep" and hung up. I can't get past these feelings. I can't go home and keep living like this. I love him so much and I just want the man I fell in love with back. Why after all he has done does he still think I'm the problem? Literally the only thing I do is get mad due to him not working and doing drugs.

We always talked of having a family. We were so excited to finally be having a baby, so why now? Why is he doing this and ruining our family? I feel so dead inside and all I want is for my husband to change and be sweet like I know he can and to be able to enjoy my new little angel, but I'm so afraid of what is going to happen that I just want to die. Help me please. I feel like no one loves me and idk what I did to deserve this life.

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September 14, 20130 found this helpful

My husband scares me. He has had his hands round my throat, calls me horrible things; I feel worthless. His family tells me I am a burden on him. I have primary progressive MS, I still work full time. My dogs hide when he raises his voice.

We don't have arguments, he shouts insults. Last time I was told everything would be better if I got in the car and let him connect a hose to the exhaust and let the engine run. I don't know what to do, he acts lovely when other people are around.

By kerry

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September 15, 20130 found this helpful

You must leave. There is no choice and I think you know this. Literally your life in in danger. This is beyond disrespect, he wishes you death and he revels in your pain. Get a lawyer and get what is fair and never speak with him or see him again. Even if you got/get nothing, you have your life and safety. Speak with someone at a domestic violence shelter-they will tell you this man is lethal. There is no amount of support or money that is worth your life and safety.

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September 16, 20130 found this helpful

He sounds mentally ill. Look up Narcissist Personality Disorder. If he is a narcissist you should probably leave him.

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September 16, 20130 found this helpful

Leave this man immediately. You know that you should. Contact your local women's shelter for help. There is no need for anyone to be threatened with death as the price of a roof over your head. You have a job, so you are not destitute. Make a plan to leave at once. See a lawyer as well. Choking you is assault. You might also wish to speak to the police; a restraining order might be in order. Perhaps it is your husband who should be moving out of the house, although that is likely going to be much harder to achieve!

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September 16, 20130 found this helpful

You need to call the cops on him, it is againts the law for him to abuse your with his hands,then go to a shelter, the cops will help you find one, take your dog to your parents or friends, you can't live your life like that, you can find some one who will not treat you that way.

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By 0 found this helpful
October 28, 2013

My husband has a habit when he has gotten upset or fought with me, he leaves home and goes gambling. He hurts me too many times and now he has start beating me. Today he lost his temper and wanted to go out. I know he will go gamble that's why I tried to stop him. He beat me a lot. I have a baby that is only 16 months old. I'm working part time. I haven't had my family here in the UK where I can go, for sometime. I am not sure what I want, because I do love him. I don't know what I should do? I don't want to be separate, but I am worried. Is it safe to share my problem with a social worker? Is anything they can do? I am stressed.

By nura21may

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