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My adult daughter called me and wanted to come for Thanksgiving. I said that would be great since I haven't seen her or my grandson since July. Then she asked me what my plans were. I told her that my father and I are going to my aunt's house for Thanksgiving like we always do. Then she asked, "well, could dad, my ex-husband, come too? I was at a loss for words. She said that she couldn't leave him alone. I told her that if I was hosting, then by all means, even though my ex and I don't even communicate anymore. I told her that I wasn't sure, since the event was taking place at my aunt's house and I felt awkward about him being there since my aunt does not care for him at all. At the same time, I agreed with her that he shouldn't be alone. I don't even know if he knew she asked me if he could come down. I didn't want to make family members uncomfortable. She decided to stay home and have Thanksgiving with her dad and other friends.
I think you did absolutely the right thing, you couldn't just invite a guest without checking with the hostess. The only other option was to host the meal yourself or your daughter could have offered to host Thanksgiving.
Holidays are always such a challenge for divorced families, especially for grandparents. I think both you and your daughter made the right decision, as disappointing as it was. Perhaps you might want to volunteer to host next year?
Thank you for your comments. My daughter only gets to have her son, every other Thanksgiving, so it will be two years before I get the opportunity to see him at thanksgiving.
Jess, my daughter and I didn't make the decision together. I wish we had, though. She is still mad at me for not allowing her dad to come down and spend Thanksgiving with family members. We haven't spoken to each other in 3 weeks. It's sad, but I can't be responsible to how she reacts when things don't go her way.