Having an Ex-spouse Over for Thanksgiving

My adult daughter called me and wanted to come for Thanksgiving. I said that would be great since I haven't seen her or my grandson since July. Then she asked me what my plans were. I told her that my father and I are going to my aunt's house for Thanksgiving like we always do. Then she asked, "well, could dad, my ex-husband, come too? I was at a loss for words. She said that she couldn't leave him alone. I told her that if I was hosting, then by all means, even though my ex and I don't even communicate anymore. I told her that I wasn't sure, since the event was taking place at my aunt's house and I felt awkward about him being there since my aunt does not care for him at all. At the same time, I agreed with her that he shouldn't be alone. I don't even know if he knew she asked me if he could come down. I didn't want to make family members uncomfortable. She decided to stay home and have Thanksgiving with her dad and other friends.

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My question is: what should I have done? I really didn't have a problem if Thanksgiving was at my house.
Please advise.

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November 30, 20161 found this helpful
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I think you did absolutely the right thing, you couldn't just invite a guest without checking with the hostess. The only other option was to host the meal yourself or your daughter could have offered to host Thanksgiving.

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December 1, 20161 found this helpful
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Holidays are always such a challenge for divorced families, especially for grandparents. I think both you and your daughter made the right decision, as disappointing as it was. Perhaps you might want to volunteer to host next year?

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December 1, 20160 found this helpful

Jess, my daughter and I didn't make the decision together. I wish we had, though. She is still mad at me for not allowing her dad to come down and spend Thanksgiving with family members.

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We haven't spoken to each other in 3 weeks. It's sad, but I can't be responsible to how she reacts when things don't go her way.

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December 1, 20160 found this helpful

Thank you for your comments. My daughter only gets to have her son, every other Thanksgiving, so it will be two years before I get the opportunity to see him at thanksgiving.
I am also in very poor health and don't cook anymore. But I think I will let me daughter come down here and cook for us, is a good alternative.

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December 9, 20160 found this helpful

I think your daughter was thoughtless expecting to accompany an invited and welcome guest when she wasn't invited, not to mention bringing along someone who was less than welcome!
Perhaps it is coming to the time where she should take over the responsibilities for hosting Thanksgiving, since none of you is getting any younger.

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Anonymous
December 9, 20160 found this helpful

Thank you for your reply, Helen.
I agree with you. She put me in an awkward position and she should know better. As I stated before, if I were hosting the dinner, then I would have allowed my ex husband to come, but to even ask if her dad could come knowing he would not be welcome and make everyone uncomfortable, is thoughtless and inconsiderate. She is still not speaking to me over this, even though I have sent her a text reminding her that it is time to make peace.

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Also, she would not mind hosting Thanksgiving at her home but I have two problems. I am in poor health and cannot drive the 3 hours to her house and secondly, I take care of my 90 year old father who also is in poor health and cannot travel. So we are stuck keeping things the way they are, unfortunately. Thanks for writing.

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January 2, 20170 found this helpful

You made the correct choice. It was rude of her to invite herself and others to come along.

With your situation of your health and your fathers, the next time something like this comes up perhaps you could suggest to her that she host it at your home

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