My 14 year old son is a bear in the morning. I tell him to wake up early so he can get his stuff done and out the door for school. Instead he wakes up late everyday and argues with me about his hair (wants me to help fix it) and everything else.
He and his father say I am the one who is yelling. I get up just to help make his lunch. His father just gets up and gets dressed and drives the boy to his bus stop (and acts like I should be grateful he does). Then when I complain and say I am not getting up anymore, he says "You need to get up. He needs your help. Just stop yelling at him."
I am at my wits end. Both are selfish and I am tired of it. Any suggestions?
By wacky camper
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This is typical behavior for a 14 year old. It will get better as your son gets older. Can you make his lunch the night before? His hair should be his own responsibility. I used to yell, too, but it doesn't help. Try saying nothing and if your son is late, it will be his problem. Good luck, in 20 years you won't remember any of this.
Be sure that the teen is getting enough sleep! Then set the alarm clock to go off earlier; and also get one in his room for him to wake up to music or whatever. Put it on to go off 30 minutes earlier than he has to get up! I used to go thru this in the mornings with my kids, and had a hard thinking session with what can i do that will make it easier for me in the mornings without feeling like i have been put thru a wringer?
You be the one to set the tone; what can he do at night to make it easier for him in the am? Why not make (the two of you) at night, what can be put in his lunch for the next day? If you get up earlier, to have some quiet time to yourself: and whip up a batch of waffles, or bacon and eggs; or muffins, for him for breakfast: don't think it will be taking to long for him to be up and about! Just a simple 30 minutes more time in the am: knowing that the kids would be slow, etc: made all the difference between filling like going thru a wringer; and starting the day off wonderfully well! Good luck!
Oh man. I struggle with my 7 year old daughter most mornings.
If you truly want to wash your hands of this (besides fixing his lunch), get his lunch together the night before and leave it in the fridge. Don't get up to help him. If he wants your help with his hair, he needs to be nice about it. If he's going to be rude, then too bad. He can go to school with crazy hair.
Nobody I knew was still getting help getting ready in the mornings once we were that old. Our parents might knock on our doors or holler that it was time to get up, or we needed to leave soon, but that was it. Getting dressed, eating breakfast, brushing our teeth and hair, walking to the school bus on time . . . that was all on us. I guess if I was trying to do something special with my hair for pictures, I might ask my mom for some help, but I'd get up early for it, and I wouldn't fight with her over it.
I've let my daughter go to school with un-brushed hair. It has only happend a couple of times. Either because she was wasting too much time and we had to leave, or because she was struggling with me too much. She's gone to school without breakfast once because she was moving too slow and didn't like what I fixed. I'm trying to teach her consequences.
And I told her if she wants more sleep, she needs to go to sleep earlier, or if she gets ready faster she can sleep a little later. She agrees with me in the mornings, but it's a different story at bedtime.
I hope the two (three?) of you can come to an agreement. He needs to take some responsibility for getting himself ready and for his own appearance. He can make it easier on himself by putting his backpack/school stuff near the front door and setting his clothes out before he goes to bed. It's okay to let him go to school a mess. If he's embarrassed enough, he'll make more of an effort the next day. Good luck!
Its time for both your son and husband to start acting as mature and maturing, males should. Sounds to me like you are the door mat. Put down the rules as you see fit and adhere to them.
Is he on his cell phone all night? Make him give it to you before he goes to bed. I had a similar problem with my oldest son but he was younger than 14. I admit, I offered him coffee in the morning. After a while I would call him and his answer was "is the coffee ready"? He is grown and drinks no more coffee than anyone else. At 14 he needs to get up. It is ridiculous to fix a 14 year old boy's hair (sorry). If he won't get up let him be late. It is O.K. to get tough with your kid. Your husband is right, yelling is not the answer. Ignore him and make him grow up.
It doesn't help that your husband doesn't ally with you, but nullifies your authority with the boy. I would insist my husband help to change the boy's behavior, or let him be the one getting up in the morning, and mean it.
Okay. I think you should have a )quiet) talk with your son, and tell him you are no longer responsible for waking him up. At fourteen he needs to learn to take responsibility. If he makes himself late for school, that is his responsibility. He is fourteen, not five! I've raised three sons (as a sole parent) through their teen years, and yelling doesn't do much good. Also it is obvious it is causing strain between the three of you. So, make the lunches the night before if you can.Also set the breakfast table the night before.
Not to criticize, but sounds as though your boy is an only child (or the only one still at home) and perhaps he has become a little spoiled, thinking that Mom is wholly responsible for everything. As for his hair, well I can only speak from experience, in that there is no way any of my sons at fourteen, would have requested that I fix their hair! Tell him you are willing to help, but not to bear the whole brunt of his day,
I am a mom of 3 sons, now adults. All I did in the morning was say to the guys, time to get up. And they did. We did sometimes have some issues getting into the car with all of our stuff when they were younger and we all drove to school (I taught).
I am wondering what you mean when you say you just get up to make his lunch. Are you a stay at home mom or do you go to work much later? If I were you, I might try to be unavailable in the morning to "help". If you make his lunch, and there is nothing wrong with doing so, why don't you make it at night, and then be gone in the morning to early exercise class or jogging or off to work earlier if that is a possible. Let his dad and him manage on their own. Then it is not your problem.
If you get up to just make his lunch, then just do that. I'd buy him an alarm clock, tell him to set it, and make getting up his responsibility. If he's not up and dressed by the time your husband wants to leave, let your husband be responsible for setting new boundaries for him. Tell them both that you too are tired of yelling, and that they can figure it out by themselves.
Get the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. It is very good and it seems as though this is really what you are dealing with. It sounds like you are angry because you are exasperated and have had enough of doing things others can do for themselves. When we take on roles or responsibilities that are not ours, we take everyone's issues on ourselves. Many time though, at first, we do it because it fills some sort of "need" in us. We become "co-dependent", and carry the weight of the world. We don't allow our children to grow up into the "real world" if we take responsibility for things they should be doing. If people are late to work, they get fired! My home is the place, hopefully, that my children learn about the real world. All of our choices have good or bad consequences. If we choose for our children, they will not be able to choose for themselves at some point (or do their own hair at 25). You may get resistance at first, but after you discuss this lovingly with your husband and son, and stick to some healthy boundaries, hopefully you wont have to "carry" the family anymore, and the anger will dissipate. By the way, there is also a "Boundaries for Marriage" book written by the same authors. Both are highly recommended! God bless!
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