Attendant: "Welcome aboard, sir. May I see your ticket?"
Passenger: "Sure."
Attendant: "You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!"
Passenger: "What for?"
Attendant: "For telling you where to sit."
Passenger: "But I already knew where to sit."
Attendant: "Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy."
Passenger: "That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it."
Attendant: "Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?"
Passenger: "Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this."
Attendant: "Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?"
Passenger: "That would be swell, thanks."
Attendant: "No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please."
Passenger: "What?"
Attendant: "The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee."
Passenger: "This is extortion. I won't stand for it."
Attendant: "Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10."
Passenger: "No way!"
Attendant: "Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that."
Passenger: "Why not? Is he going to shoot me?"
Attendant: "No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee."
Passenger: "Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this."
Attendant: "Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?"
Passenger: "Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?"
Attendant: "Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes."
Passenger: "The airline is charging me for cabin air?"
Attendant: "Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents."
Passenger: "I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?"
Attendant: "Certainly, sir! Here you go!"
Passenger: "But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar."
Attendant: "Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents."
Passenger: "For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?"
Attendant: "Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory."
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