Dealing With Cold and Distant Family Members?

I'm so hurt about my family. My estranged mother, along with two adult nieces came back into my life last year after my brother died; he wouldn't let me see his kids for years. He was angry, because I cut my abusive mother out of my life. They were close.


At first, having them back in my life was wonderful, healing. We spent Christmas together and had fun. But after the holidays, my mother and oldest niece became cool and distant, they had lost interest in having a relationship with me. This left me depressed for months after Christmas last year.

This year was even worse. My oldest niece will have nothing to do with me now, she even removed me from her Facebook friend list. I think my toxic mother turned her against me. And yet, in the summer, I'd helped my niece when she was struggling financially, I had bought her groceries. Despite her aloofness, I sent her a Christmas gift anyway. She wrote and said, "I don't hate you either," which I thought was an odd message.

My narcissistic mother acted upset when I visited her a couple of days before Christmas to give her gifts. She also wouldn't let me take her out to dinner and hadn't for the past six months. Clearly, she didn't want to see me or my kids. Some young guy had moved into her apartment building, and she repeatedly said, "He's my son now", as if telling me that I'm no longer her daughter, that he's replacing me. He sat at her kitchen table just staring into space; -he struck me as creepy.

I can't even describe how hurt I was when I left her apartment. And, no, she doesn't have money so he's not after that.

Like last year, my mother didn't get me or my children gifts, and this year, she didn't even bother to call on Christmas. She doesn't care about me or my life. My husband doesn't think she ever did. Perhaps, he's right. She was always mentally and physically abusive to me.

I don't know what to do about my family or how to cope with this grief. I'm thinking it's time for me to weed these toxic family members out of my life again. What do you think?

At least my relationship with my youngest niece and her children has gotten much better since my brother's death. Still, I feel very lost, and this is often on my mind.

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Gold Post Medal for All Time! 677 Posts
January 3, 20190 found this helpful

This is such a sad situation. I would weed the toxic people out of my life. For the people left, do not talk about the people you have cut loose. If they talk about those people, politely say this is not a topic for conversation. They may continue a relationship with them. That is not your concern.


Hopefully they will be mature and independent enough to see what you have to offer. If they cause you more grief than joy, you have to decide whether it is worth it to have them be a part of your life.

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Bronze Post Medal for All Time! 107 Posts
January 4, 20190 found this helpful

i think you are dealing with some Narcissistic Personality Disorder or other personality disordered people in your life

this is a situation that very seriously aggrieves people because 'normal people' don't know how to deal with the personality disordered who have their peculiar and not particularly functional way of dealing with their inner nonsense and other people in general


the best thing to do is to realise that IT IS NOT PERSONAL and that these people are suffering so much more than you can imagine; that's why they become hateful

the second best is to find some sort of Narcissistic Abuse recovery group because i understand that the grief and mourning are real.

then, after that, if you realise that you DO have to cut them off from your life, you can do that

best of luck

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Better Living FamilyJanuary 3, 2019
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