I have been in a long term relationship with my boyfriend, now fiancé, for over 5 years. When we met I loved my life! I was just a simple country girl who didn't want for much. I owned my own 5th wheel, which was my home, along with a nice vehicle, some quads, generators, etc. I didn't have any debt and was content with my life.
When I met Jason and things started getting serious between us I felt it was important to get everything out on the table before we could move to the next level. I told him that at the age of 42, him being 10 years younger than me, that I didn't have the time, energy or the patience to play games at this point in my life. I was happily divorced with 3 grown, very successful children at the time.
I told him that I didn't work a regular 8-5 job, I was a farm girl who made her $ by raising hogs and good money at that. I also told him that if he had any jealousy issues that would be a problem as I am friends with all my exs and most of my friends were males as I grew up a daddy's girl always with the guys hunting and fishing.
Then he said he had only one thing he could see being an issue and that was he worked on the road and was hardly ever home. He said he would like somebody to share that with and that somebody was me. After discussing these things we both agreed these were things we could live with and wouldn't pose a problem down the road.
Fast forward 5 years. I have lost everything I own thanks to him and his reckless, immature ways! He is abusive and controlling. He won't let me help him better our lives as I had been doing. I don't work on the farm anymore, thanks to him, or have another job. He was financially taking care of me and had no problem with it until I got diagnosed with cancer 9 months ago. Now he expects me to get a job and won't give me his paychecks as he always did. He is careless and very irresponsible with $ leaving bills unpaid and priorities un-met. We lost our home and now live with his father. That was almost 2 years ago.
I don't know what to do anymore and it is impossible to try to reason with him. When I bring up the agreement we had 5 years ago he tells me that he changed his mind and that's not the way it should be or will be anymore. Yet when I struggled being on the road for almost 3 years straight and I missed my family he told me to deal with it. He said he told me that was his job and didn't want to hear it again. I don't know what to do anymore. He doesn't want to hear anything I have to say, it's his way or no way! Please help.
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Go back home to your family. Don't tell him or his father where you went. Just take your credit card, whatever money you find lying around, and whatever you can't live without.
Find a job on a farm working for room and board. You're a good worker and know all about it.
You had a great life and now you know you shouldn't have taken a gamble on somebody you didn't really know who wasn't raised with the values you were. But now that's over and can't be helped.
Once you're back on your feet you may be able to change your circumstances. For instance, there are loans available in some states for women who want to start their own businesses. I'd start researching these options if I were you. Just be sure each opportunity is legitimate and not a scam.
In the future if you have any boyfriends make sure they are "on the side" and understand that you are the boss of your own life and won't make life changes for them.
Excellent suggestions from Abigal!
As women, we are trained from birth to accept that any relationship problem is always the woman's fault. The woman is the one expected to "fix" any problems, usually to her regret! You have clearly tried very hard to "fix" your relationship, however, you can't fix your "fiance".
I am sorry to hear about your situation. It is sad, but you are far from the first capable woman who had been lied to by someone with a hidden agenda. Our sorority is huge. I have been there.
You don't say how your cancer is affecting your life, and your ability to work. I will assume that full time work may be out of reach for you for awhile. I would get in touch with your grown children and let them know you have big changes coming in your life and you may need their help for awhile.
Others have given you great advice. I did have another thought, although it is quite horrible, but I am going to suggest it anyway. Do you think that Jason is making your life miserable now that you have cancer so that you will get so fed up that you will just leave with nothing? Could it be that he doesn't want to deal with a spouse who is ill, and he is doing as much as he can to make your life horrible so that you will be the one to do the leaving?
I ask this because when I left my spouse 15 years ago, I felt that he was withdrawing and making my life so unhappy so that I would be the one to take the initiative and leave. I was not ill; he was just tired of being married to me, and had told me he didn't love me anymore. But he would not take action and leave. We actually parted reasonably amicably as he was quite easy to deal with regard to money matters and the children. We are now divorced.
But, back to you. I think you should pack up everything that is yours; get your family and your adult children, perhaps a woman friend, or one of your exes if you are still on good terms with them, to help you move. I seriously doubt that he will try to prevent you leaving, as he sounds like someone who is doing his best to get you to leave. And, as soon as you are in a safe place, see a lawyer. If there is anything left that you own, you could very likely be entitled to half of it. You would here in the province where I live, anyway. Check this out.
Of course, if there are debts, you might be responsible for half of them. I would also make sure that if you have any credit cards jointly owned, that you cancel those when you leave, so that he can not rack up further debt for which you might have to take responsibility. It isn't easy at any time to leave, but you know that that is what you should do. Women should never stay with anyone who is controlling and abusive. It is too, too dangerous!
Get out and get out now! You did not need him before and he is useless to you now! Use your strength to fight your cancer instead of fighting with him! You are in my prayers.
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