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My boyfriend kinda started staying here 24/7 a year ago, for the first 14 months he didn't help pay for anything. Then of coarse me being single mom of 2 couldn't afford to feed 4 of us so I had to use credit cards to be able to make it. Needless to say I'm now in credit card trouble. He decided on his own he was going to make 300$ a month payments to the card and so would I. He also paid 300$ a month toward groceries and other bills. His cell is in my name so it's 100$ which I been paying for so technically 200$ towards groceries and bills.
This lasted 2 months then he got angry and started questioning me to where "his" money is going. I told him $300 to the card 100$ to your phone and that leaves 200$ for food and bills. He eats more then 200$ a month. He yelled at me that he didn't eat 200$ a month in food so now we are back to me paying for everything. I don't know what to do, I work 3 jobs to be able to do what I gotta do and I feel used that I have absolutely no time for anything but work, make dinner, clean, and sleep. He works full time and he pays for his car, car insurance, and that's it. He wants to save his money for hobbies and spend it on hobbies for himself while I slave. I don't know, maybe this is the way its supposed to be?
I know the feeling, had the same thing happen to me. The only difference is the house I live in is paid for so he looked at it like free rent. Since the women gets the groceries they get out of paying for them, but are there to eat. I didn't have him on my cell plan, thank goodness.
What you can do is this, take your rent, utilities, food, and ect and divide it by how many people are in the house and that is what he will pay. The cell phone thing, I know you can do this, you transfer his service in his name then you aren't responsible for it anymore. If he doesn't agree, then you tell him, he needs to get his own place. It doesn't really matter, since you are paying for everything anyway.
If he doesn't figure out it is cheaper to live with you, then you don't need him! If he doesn't care enough about you to help you, then he doesn't really love you. A relationship is give and take, not all take. Men will treat you how you let them. He does this because he knows you won't do anything. Quit letting him use you, you have children to take care of, he is not your child!
It's time to kick him out. You've been supporting him long enough. It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. Never be willing to let a guy live with you, or anybody else for that matter without having them pay half of everything and do half the chores.
Guy sounds like a selfish leech. I just dealt with a selfish woman that I gave everything to help. Ever heard of a con? Well I think this guys is playing you because you are a compassionate person. Chances are if you kick him to the curb he will repeat it with someone else, and keep bouncing with women with similar kind traits as you.
What a great deal for this "man". I wish I could live somewhere for free and be taken care of. You and your children are being taken advantage of by this creep. Do you expect him to change into a kind, reasonable man? He won't. He has no respect for you, your kids, or your life together. He needs to move home to Mommy and you need to find a man. Make a list of the pros and cons of this man living with you. What does he contribute? What kind of example are you giving to your kids? Are you waiting to be more and more in debt?
My boyfriend of three years moved in with me a little over a year ago due to loss of a job in his city and him finding one in mine. I have two daughters that are 18 and 21 and still live with me. He buys groceries from week to week and spends about $300 - $400 a month but has not offered to pay any rent or utilities.
How should I approach him to share in these expenses too as he is living with us full time? The house is only in my name. Thanks.
By Robin from New Orleans, LA
You really need to know what the monthly expenses total before you can approach him. That includes everything you pay for and everything he pays for. And to be fair, keep in mind that if you break up, the house is still yours so I wouldn't try to make him pay for a full half of your mortgage. You need to come up with something fair for the living expenses you both share.
Talking money is tough. It's one of the hardest things on any relationship. Tell him you'd like to set aside some time for the two of you to discuss finances. Agree on a time when both of you will be fairly relaxed and not running late to some other appointment. Then, just tell him how you feel. Literally say "I feel... " Avoid saying things like "you never..." or "you always..."
If you have a good relationship and he's a good man, using kind, not accusing wording you should be able to work out a more fair arrangement. Saying something like "I really appreciate your buying groceries. It helps a lot. But I feel that we're not splitting our overall living expenses in a fair way and want to discuss how we could make it more fair."
In my mind, I would think he should be paying somewhere between 1/4 to 1/2 of all living expenses, depending on what your kids financial situations are (if they're full time students I don't think they should be expected to pay as much as if they're simply working) You may want to figure what the total monthly expenses are before you sit down together. It's honesly possible that he simply isn't aware that 300 - 400 a month isn't his fair share.
Here's the thing, my BF asked me to move in last month because he couldn't move to my city. He has 4 kids. So I quit my job (looking for a new one in his city now, but he doesn't want me to work because someone needs to stay at home when kids are off) and moved to his house. Before I moved in I offered to pay he said no. But now he wants me to help with all cost. I asked him what's "the cost" he listed: water, gas, electricity, mortgage (he owns 3 places) and car. He said, just pay what you think is fair. Before I moved in he asked me how much do I want to take care of the kids and everyday living. I said no, because I'm not a babysitter and since I'm with him, I will help him taking care of his kids for sure. BTW we are not engaged. To my opinion, it is OK to share the water bill, gas and electricity, but mortgage, it is not my house!
It sounds like you were taken for a sucker. He wants a built in baby sitter plus somebody to help with his living expenses. Considering he and his kids use more of all the things listed than you do. I would get the heck out of there.
While reading your entry, it totally gave me the creeps with all the red flags. I fully agree with redhatterb, and add my own opinion.
First, he doesn't want you to work. That leaves you without "your own" money leaving you totally dependent on him. Not a good position to be in. If you ever decide to leave, lack of money can make it more difficult, and delay the decision. Don't put yourself in the position to be beholden to him.
Second, it sounds like you've already moved to his city. That's isolating you. Another tactic of abusers. (Not saying he is one, but be wary.)
He's already flip-flopped on his stance of how he wants you to contribute. It probably will likely to happen again and again. Get a formal agreement to help avoid potential problems. If he balks, see that as another "red flag."
Also, the fact that you put the question out asking for total strangers' opinions tells me that you, yourself, have doubts about this arrangement. Please be cautious. Go on the internet-- NOT at home (use the library, friend's, etc.)--and familiarize yourself with the signs of abuse: domestic and financial.
I live with my boyfriend, he owns the home so I didn't get a say in if it was affordable. However it's not bad either, but he lives there with his 2 kids, 10 and 11 years old. He would have to pay the mortgage anyways, it's not like I am taking up any space being that I share a room with him. Should I have to pay half the mortgage and utilities? How about food? My boyfriend thinks it's fair that I split that cost as well.
He makes almost twice as much as I do and has no bills what so ever. I'd like to get myself out of debt so we can have a future. I don't think it's fair I pay half of the food when I am only eating 1/4 of it, if that. I work through dinner hours and eat like a bird the rest of the time. His 2 kids eat twice as much as I can and my boyfriend eats 3 times as much as me. His food costs are astronomical.
Basically I took on a second job to do what he thinks is fair, but I am killing myself and he is saving money. Does any of that seem fair. How can I talk to him? I tried a couple of times and it almost resulted in our breaking up. He wants a girl who can pay half. I am almost positive he is looking at his benefit only.
In my opinion, you are being used by this guy. Not only are you his bed partner, you are paying half his bills, his mortgage payment and feeding his darn kids. And believe me, I know how much teenagers and preteens can eat! And there's no discussion allowed?
Come on, you can do better on your own. Stop pouring your money into this and save enough to get your own little place. If he cares enough for you (which I don't think he does), he'll stop using you like a doormat. Maybe he'll realize what he had when you pack your shit and move out. Come on girl, show some pride and courage! Please don't marry this dictator.
You should pay a certain amount. What are your grocery bills like? You use electricity, water, you watch tv and use Internet, right?
Look at all your bills for the past six months. Average what each would be for each one. Since a 10 or 11 year old cannot kick in towards bills, pay a third on each one. Groceries are expensive, no matter how much you say you have a small appetite. However, it takes very little to spend about 75-100 dollars a week, and with two kids on the verge of puberty, that is going to rise.
Look into how you can conserve energy, clip coupons, and/or go to coupon sites online. Buy groceries that will last more than one meal. Conserve water.
Yes, he makes more than you, but I think you should pay a third on the bills. Maybe you can pay the entire amount on smaller bills and that way paying a quarter on others would help. Average both ways out and see which way is easier for you.
I do wonder though, if money issues have nearly ended your relationship already, why do you think marriage will change anything? When you marry, will you have joint accounts? Will you be able to put aside any money for some extra treat like nail salons, a pair of shoes, etc?
I think talking to a financial planner, or councilor to see if they have a fair solution you both can agree on. His being protective about his money is okay to a point, he has kids to raise, but to the point you cannot talk about money without fighting or even a bit of compromise, maybe living apart for a while is an option.
He has to trust you. You have to be willing to help him without being grudging.
I have been married almost 16 years. We had times we did not have two nickels to rub together or a piggy bank to put them in. Trust is everything, so is compromise. They are both two way streets.
I hope all works out for you.
You already know the answer to your question. Your relationship is "not" working out. Get out now before you also have children by this man and live miserably the rest of your life.
Please, think twice about a relationship with this man. He is using you and he certainly doesn't respect or love you. I agree in today's world both partners contribute to household expenses. However, he should be responsible for 3; the kids are his. The most you should pay is 1/4 of the bills and food. If the house is in his name then he should be responsible for the mortgage. If he insists you pay 1/2 of the mortgage then make sure your name is put on the deed. You can do better than this guy who wants to dominate you.
Move out.You are better off on your own. He's a user.
I'm wondering the gender of KLS. Those views seems to be quite different from the other posts. I too, believe you are being taken advantage of and being used. I certainly hope you end this relationship before he does because when and if you tell him you'll pay only what's fair he will no longer want you as a mate. A loving person wants what's best for his partner and this is not the case. BTW, who's doing the cooking and cleaning in the household? He and his kids are capable of cleaning so fair is fair. Good Luck!
This is not fair at all. At the most, you should be paying 1/4 of the expenses, since you are only one of 4 in the household. Also, unless he is willing to put YOUR name on the house, you should not have to pay toward the mortgage. As well, in any relationship, the one who makes the most money should pay a larger percentage of the costs, based on the size of their earnings.
I really think that you should reconsider your relationship with this man. He does not sound like someone who treats you with respect or kindness. If he did, he would be helping you with your debts, and not making your situation worse.
And then, as others have mentioned, there is the whole housekeeping and chores issue, which you haven't even mentioned. Again, as they are three, and you are one, and you are working two jobs, they should be doing the vast majority of the housework.
I don't think this is a good relationship for you. Give serious thought to whether there is a good future for you with this man. He sounds very controlling to me.
You should pay on things too. Like he buys school lunches and snacks because they are his kids. He should buy their bubble bath and personal care products. I am in a situation similar, but I am the one with the kids. My bf eats me out of house and home. It be wonderful if he even pitched in 1/4 of the rest of the groceries and 1/4 of the utilities, or maybe check in your area and see how much a room and board is, say it 500 a month for a room.
Then you give him that and tell him to buy his school snacks for the kids and you provide every 4th supper (that your there), buy your own pop, and treats. The key here is that you don't want him feeling like he's supporting you and you don't feel you are supporting him and his kids.
I have been with my son's father for almost 12 years now (yes still not married). We have been thru the worst times ever to the best times ever. Three years ago I found out he was having a relationship with someone else for 2 years behind my back. Of course I kicked him out and he stayed with her for a few months until I somehow convinced myself to take him back.
At the time he also lost his job and was collecting unemployment so when he returned to my home I was picking up the slack for all the bills in our house as well as taking care of all of our son's needs. We bicker over everything; one little thing spirals into things that had nothing to do with the original argument and things get extremely nasty. He calls me the worst names imaginable including saying things like "I hope you die". You have no idea how damaging this is to hear especially after all I have given and forgave in our relationship.
He is currently working and has been for 6 months now and yet for the last, almost 3 years (a year separated, a year+ of unemployment and searching for a new job) I am still paying everything (well everything but the gas and electric). I pay rent and 1/2 the cable, all food shopping or he will go every once in a great blue moon to get the bare minimum and all expenses for our son unless he buys an outfit or shoes here and there.
While he was out on unemployment he received a large settlement approximately 12K and he never once asked if I needed money, never said I know you have racked up some credit bills let me help you, nothing.
Also a few years back he got into a little trouble with the IRS with his daughter's mother (from a previous relationship) as they both claimed her and he had to pay the money back - guess what our taxes three years ago right before I found out he had a girlfriend paid those off.
Also, once he was caught cheating he came back asking me to marry him and bought me a diamond ring. This was a secret for some time and now that it is out he has yet to speak another word of any kind of marriage. Needless to say I pay almost all of the bills (yes I have said this a few times), do all of the house chores - he will throw in a load of laundry here and there and said he did the laundry, but yet I fold and put away. He will iron his shirts for work, but mumble under his breath that I should be doing it. I cook every night - well not every night, but I make sure we have dinner and we are all feed.
To shine more light on the situation, his daughter that is now 17 years old wants nothing to do with him and hasn't for some time now. He hasn't paid support for as long as I have known him and when he is around her all he does is tells her what she is doing wrong and all this nonsense - he does this to our son too. He was raised as an only child by his father (who didn't have a great track record himself with women to say the least). To add wood to the fire he has hit me a few times or has grabbed me to the point of marks being left on me. He has broken things in the house (I have too at times).
I just hate being the one that is blamed for everything and I end up giving so much more into this so called relationship. I guess what I am trying to get at is can someone please tell me if I am thinking correctly and feeling like I am being taken advantage of? I could go on for days and please by no means I am saying I am perfect because no one is. I have my fault ones that yes I have a difficult time admitting, but I believe I deserve so much more in return at this point.
I am 47, divorced, with two teenagers and still reside in the house that my ex and I own. We are co owners, as the judge ordered me to stay in the house. My ex pays me alimony and child support.
I have been dating a guy for almost 6 years. He wants to get married, but I would lose alimony and my boyfriend does not make a consistent living. He owns his own home, but has rented it out to stay with me. He also has 2 younger kids who come here to stay once a month for 3 days and all holidays. He has his own tree business so his finances are up and down depending on work.
I originally did not ask him for money because he always just made enough to make ends meet. In the last few years though he has agreed to give me $500 a month for expenses. I pay out almost $3000 a month with lake dues.
I always struggle to make ends meet and I get really resentful at times when I don't think things are fair. For example, he went to the Caribbean to do a divemaster internship last year to better himself and possibly get a job in the islands; for both of our futures. I agreed. Just this past Christmas he bought himself another gun (6 now) and I don't even spend the money to get my hair colored and cut. Sometimes he threatens me to just go back and live in his own house. I don't ask him to pay half of the mortgage because he will get no benefit when it is sold.
I am just not sure what is fair anymore and when I bring things up to discuss he just gets mad. He loves me very much and wants to get married, but financially I thought it best to wait until the kids are out of the house. Again I am 47, he is 46, and he does help with things around the house, wood for heating, fixing things, etc., but sometimes that is a chore because he doesn't want to put too much effort in for no reward. Help. Please. What is fair to expect?
I am a 31y/o woman living with my boyfriend, who is 56 and succesful in his career. I have lived in his house for a few months now and we've been together for almost 2 years. I knew he had plans for his 32 y/o son, who has very mild autism, to stay with him for a year to help him with his obesity.
I help with the house, I'm the cook, I play as his son's dietitian, exercise partner, driver, I take him to shows and do fun stuff. Also, I have a 4 day a week job as a dental assitant. I love them so much and I know they love me too. My boyfriend is going to retire soon (he worked at a bank with a good position) and he has slowly been asking me for monetary help.
I feel like I work a lot at home and also for both of them and also for myself. I haven't paid anything yet. But if I start paying for rent ($500) should I lessen work at home and get a part time job? I'm also in big debt.
About my relationship with my bf, we talked about marriage before, but with a prenuptial which I strongly agree. He told me all his money is going to his son. Which doesn't bother me at all.
So all this, I feel like I'm not getting anything out of it. I will have to work for my future of course, work at home, and still pay rent? Is it right that I have to pay rent and work as a "full time mother" aside from my job?
I am an 8 year widow. I have a house in my name. My boyfriend lives with me, but says it's not his house and does nothing as far as cleaning, etc. I am the maid. He thinks $250 a week is too much to pay. I pay the mortgage plus more. He deducts his gas and cigarettes from that. Those are not household expenses. I feel like I'm being used and abused. He does nothing and withholds any $ that are left after his deductions, as punishment. We have no written legal agreement; he wouldn't sign.
I've been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. I have two boys that live with us and he has a daughter that stays 3 days out of the week. 6 months ago he quit a well paying job because he said he wanted to see his daughter more and go to school. Well he never went to school and now he works 30 hours a week at a minimum wage job. His child support was never lowered (and won't be ) because he quit. So more than half of his income goes to child support. He basically has money to get back and forth to work until he get paid again. Which means I'm paying all food, bills, and rent. On top of this he got a new car before deciding to quit his new job so I'm paying his car note and insurance. Would I be wrong to tell him he needs to get a new job so that he can make ends meet? I honestly feel like im doing everything myself. Please help!
My BF and I are now living together after one year. We are in our mid-to-late 40s and I have moved into his home. Right now we are splitting most of the bills/spending, but I have been covering a bit more of the bills, outings, and food as I make more. The issue is that we are splitting mortgage payments and I do not have my name on the title.
His grown daughter also lives at home (but does not contribute) and he has some personal debt wrapped up in the mortgage that I'm not comfortable paying. I'm not sure what an equitable split would look like, but I don't know that I should be paying for his daughter and his debt. He is awful with money and hates to even open his bills so I think I'm nervous that this is just the tip of the iceberg of some pretty big financial issues.
My boyfriend wants to move in with me. We have been dating for over a year, we have had many disagreements ranging from exs to finances. If he moves in, he doesn't want to pay 1/2 of utilities since I currently receive child support. Is this fair? Am I expecting too much from him?
This could end our relationship. It's been over a year now since my bf of 2years got his own apt. He "stayed" with me about 6 months prior to getting his own place because he wasn't ready financially. But for over a year now he works full time and makes more money than me. He has an 8 year old daughter for whom he pays $600 a month in child support and his rent is about $500 less than mine. He literally eats, sleeps, watches TV, is on my wifi, and bathes at my home 25 days out of the month. He's got his kid every other weekend only, so he only goes to his apartment those few days he has her. But then he's right back at my place after work using the wifi, watching TV, eating food, taking a shower, etc. Also I rent a house, so I pay for water, electric, and gas. He also will wash his clothes at my place, but has a laundry room at his apartment complex. He will put in $$ on the groceries, but says because he has his own place and pays rent there, that he shouldn't have to help at my place. Am I crazy, or is that bs? He's taking advantage and not even cleaning up or doing things around my house that justifies him to free-load. I also have a 14 year old son, and am a single mom. I get no child support and his father hasn't been in my son's life for 13+ years. What's your advice? I don't think we can be in a relationship anymore, I feel so used.
My boyfriend moved into my apartment in 2010. He had agreed to pay his ex wife $ 2000.00 a month. I was not involved in this amount. I had my 2 daughters living with me in a 2 bedroom apartment. His 2 boys would come over every weekend. Since he paid out so much to her I didn't push the issue.
In 2011 he purchased a house in his name. He was to pay 1600.00 of the mortgage and I pay 864.00. At the time his take home was 4000.00. He was giving 2000.00 to her at first and then lowered it to 1600.00. So take the 1600.00 + 1600.00 = 3200.00. He also had a truck payment of 500.00 so we are at 3700.00, and a trailer payment of 132.00. So he is at 3832.00; that leaves 170.00. I am left paying for everything else. I mean everything, including all the food his boys eat every weekend. He still thinks that he does it all, he always says that he pays for everything and is rude and nasty to my kids.
So here is where I am at, he keeps telling me to get out and that he will put my stuff on the front lawn. Can he do that when I have been paying part of his mortgage? I am going to move out, but since I pay for everything else it is hard to save the money. I want to make sure my stuff and my kids' stuff is secure until I can move out. Do I need to have the police present?
My fiance and I moved into his house (I own my own home and it is now rented at a loss), with his 3 children who go back and forth between him and their mom every week. They are in elementary school, but I am responsible for their care, i.e., breakfast, packing school lunches, attending school functions, field trips, homework, making dinner, cleaning house, laundry, etc. I have a teenage son who moved in with me and he has a room in the basement and gets very little attention from my fiance.
Here's the big problem: I am disabled and collect SSDI for myself and for my son. It's not a lot of money, but it covers my expenses like car insurance, cell phones, RX plan, vet for my dog, prescriptions, and doc visits; all of which I pay for with my disability money. I have no savings and no retirement funds and I am unable to get life insurance. When I moved in I felt like I needed to contribute financially, so I was giving him $1000 a month, which is half of my entire income. He gave me a credit card that I am allowed to use to buy groceries, take all the kids out to dinner, etc. and even to buy some stuff for myself, although I don't need much, as I stay at home.
Now he is angry that I am refusing to continue giving him any money. He said he doesn't see us getting married in the near future and that we need to live by a budget. BTW, he makes 6 figures and travels a lot, so I care for his kids on many overnights while he is traveling.
Am I crazy to think that I earn my keep by taking care of his kids and the household. He said that obviously he will pay for everything while I contribute nothing. I still need to pay all of my expenses and I have to save some money in case I die and so my kids have something for college and so that I have something to retire with if he will never marry me. His ex is still his beneficiary on his very large life insurance policy and he refuses to add me to his health insurance even though my medicare only covers 80% of my medical expenses.
I can't move out because I rented my home and I moved in with him in a very expensive city where I can't afford even a small apartment. What is up and how do I make him understand my value as an equal partner?
Please help. I love this man, but this seems very strange to me and to all my friends.
I should also mention that we had a wedding planned, which he cancelled and then said he made a mistake. Once I moved in, he said he no longer was ready to get married, but is committed to me and will marry me when he feels he is ready.
By Michelle M.
I been living in my boyfriend's house for over 4 years. He is divorced with 3 kids. I quit my job and moved out of my town into his. Because of the girls schedule, we have 50% of the time, I take care of them. We decided then that I wouldn't have to work, and I would stay home and take care of them. Meals, taking and picking up from school, help with homework, med appointments, basically everything a mother does. The ex-wife and I communicate about the children, as the bf (father) chooses not to. That is fine with everybody. He can't afford day care (kids are 10 and twins are 8).
Should I be paying rent or helping out financially even if I don't have a job. I also do the shopping, cleaning, laundry, meals, and bills. I don't mind helping financially, but I'm not sure what is fair? I can only get a job when he isn't at work, and he sometimes works 6 days full time. I have bought the kids clothes and shoes and other things, and I really shouldn't, but he can't always afford to. I have started an at home business, and at first he was supportive, but now he really isn't. It works good for me, because I can work from home. I'm just starting my own business. Should I stay or go? Help with finances or is taking care of his kids a fair swap?
My GF of 2 and a half yrs is moving in with me. It was a mutual decision based on us wanting to be together. We are 50 yrs old. She previously had an apartment for which she paid roughly a $1000 a month in rent plus all the utilities that go with an apt (gas, electric, cable, water). I own a home with a $1300 monthly mortgage. Here comes the problem. She agrees to pay half of the utilities, but is having a problem paying anything towards the mortgage. I don't expect her to pay half, but if she pays nothing then she is living rent free which I don't think is right What do you think is fair?
I definitely think she should pay something in the way of "rent". If you want to be generous, you could make it a lot less than her previous rent, i.e. $400, $500. But if she balks at that, then I think you should think long and hard about this new arrangement, because unless you are inclined to basically support her (which seemingly is what she is expecting), then I doubt it will work out. Which, when you think about it, indicates some major differences in thinking, which might affect your ability to get along and/or to become permanent.
I moved in with my long-time BF (I am over 50) and in very short order I saw it was not going to work out (less than 2 weeks), I moved out and bought a house. We are still friends.
There are many things to consider in the question you ask. If you were just getting a roommate to share the house - like many students do, you would charge rent that would cover whatever you decided (utilities, mortgage, upkeep, etc.). When the roommate moved out, that would be the end of that arrangement. If the stove broke down, it would be your sole responsibility to replace or repair it. It would be your responsibility to see that the house was insured, and so on.
However, depending on where you live and the laws of your state, province or country, "moving in together" - ie, living common law, is an entirely different kettle of fish. Here in Saskatchewan, if a couple co-habits for two years, they are considered married for all purposes, especially for division of property should they then later separate. Your girlfriend does not think that she should contribute to the mortgage, when, if you should find that you do not suit, after a number of years, she would not have any claim on the property.
Here in Sask, she would have, and so I would say that she should contribute. However, things may be different where you live. You and she should investigate what the laws are. You may not want her to have any claim upon your house, if there is that option. There is a lot to consider. You both need to give the financial aspects of moving in together more thought and more discussion.
If she was paying rent plus all the utilities before it can only be the fact that you are buying your house. May be she can pay all utilities if she won't pay towards the mortgage. If she won't do this I would suggest you re-think the decision to move in together.
If you are together for 10 years will she then be entitled to a share of your house if you split? Get this sorted before moving in together.
Hello - sure sounds like you and your girlfriend should have some long serious talks (before if possible) the move takes place.
I do not believe the present arrangement will ever "sit" right with you and that could cause many problems and unhappiness.
There is counseling available for this but it could be expensive. There are probably good reasons why you are not discussing marriage (financial reasons probably) but it does appear that your girlfriend thinks that she should not have to "help" you pay for your house.
Seems like she is getting the very best of this arrangement and does not feel it should be a "share and share alike" situation. Can you really settle for that?
It does appear that a 50-50 arrangement would be more agreeable (except for the mortgage) and certainly more fair. The mortgage could be set up on a 70-30 agreement and then both of you could realize some financial gain instead of her receiving all of the benefit.
I am a counselor and I really believe (from past cases) your present arrangement will go sour in short period of time.
First and foremost (since you own your home) you should find out about the co-habitation laws in your area as this (very much like marriage) is a very serious move. The laws may surprise you and may even take into account the entire time (or part of it) you have been "dating".
I wish you the best of luck but make sure that both of you sit down and put your pros and cons on paper - with financial figures on separate papers so that both know exactly what is happening here.
If she is not willing to pay 1/2 of both the rent and utilities (she still ends up saving lots and is in a house, not an apartment) then don't do it. Suppose you both rented a house for $1300 a month and split everything in half. What is the difference. Seems she wouldn't have a problem with that but she doesn't want to contribute to your home. Does she not realize that you made the sacrifice to save the down payment for the house and have been paying everything on your own. You should treat her financially just as you would any other roommate. If she doesn't like that deal, don't do it.
Have her split the utilities, but pitch in for groceries 50/50. I would have a problem contributing to a mortgage if my name was not on the deed also. And if you love each other, what's the big deal? I was able to contribute greatly to my families income during the past 25 years, I got sick and now I don't have much financial contribution. My husband loves me and does not care. It's not about the money. Don't nitpick, you might lose her.
My girlfriend and I have been together for three years. She rents an apartment and I own a house, but it is in foreclosure so I do not pay rent. I stay with her 3 to 4 days a week, not because I have to, but because I want to spend time with her. I help out with food and other things. The question is, how much rent should I pay her and how much for utilities? Also it is a small apartment, where I have not much room for my stuff.
I have been in a long term relationship with my boyfriend, now fiancé, for over 5 years. When we met I loved my life! I was just a simple country girl who didn't want for much. I owned my own 5th wheel, which was my home, along with a nice vehicle, some quads, generators, etc. I didn't have any debt and was content with my life.
When I met Jason and things started getting serious between us I felt it was important to get everything out on the table before we could move to the next level. I told him that at the age of 42, him being 10 years younger than me, that I didn't have the time, energy or the patience to play games at this point in my life. I was happily divorced with 3 grown, very successful children at the time.
I told him that I didn't work a regular 8-5 job, I was a farm girl who made her $ by raising hogs and good money at that. I also told him that if he had any jealousy issues that would be a problem as I am friends with all my exs and most of my friends were males as I grew up a daddy's girl always with the guys hunting and fishing.
Then he said he had only one thing he could see being an issue and that was he worked on the road and was hardly ever home. He said he would like somebody to share that with and that somebody was me. After discussing these things we both agreed these were things we could live with and wouldn't pose a problem down the road.
Fast forward 5 years. I have lost everything I own thanks to him and his reckless, immature ways! He is abusive and controlling. He won't let me help him better our lives as I had been doing. I don't work on the farm anymore, thanks to him, or have another job. He was financially taking care of me and had no problem with it until I got diagnosed with cancer 9 months ago. Now he expects me to get a job and won't give me his paychecks as he always did. He is careless and very irresponsible with $ leaving bills unpaid and priorities un-met. We lost our home and now live with his father. That was almost 2 years ago.
I don't know what to do anymore and it is impossible to try to reason with him. When I bring up the agreement we had 5 years ago he tells me that he changed his mind and that's not the way it should be or will be anymore. Yet when I struggled being on the road for almost 3 years straight and I missed my family he told me to deal with it. He said he told me that was his job and didn't want to hear it again. I don't know what to do anymore. He doesn't want to hear anything I have to say, it's his way or no way! Please help.
I rent a home at $ 1,200 a month plus expenses of $220 or so for utilities, not including food, gas, etc. She has kids grown and not living with her. She moved in and for 4 months paid nothing, then asked what I expected. I looked at her salary, about 27 K, mine is 40K, and I asked for $400 plus 1/2 electric and water per month. She claims this is not "normal" or fair. I am wondering what others think? What is fair for outside expenses, dinner, travel expenses together, etc.? I didn't split things down the middle for rent based on the difference in income and think it is very fair. What is fair way to to share home and other expenses? Thoughts?
My boyfriend and I have been together for 18 months. He is 37 and I am 46. He was separated when we met and is now nearing the end of a very expensive divorce. He is from India and I am American.
We met and got together on the West Coast and last summer he had to move to the East Coast for a new job. His visa is dependent on his employment status so there was little choice in taking the job, as it was not only a big step up, but also a very secure position in his IT field. We did not want to be apart, so last August we made the move across country together.
I have been out of work for some time due to a back injury, so we agreed that at least until I was able to retrain for a new job through Vocational Rehab, that he would be the breadwinner and I would take care of us at home. This has actually worked out for the most part, as we both are primarily comfortable with more traditional gender roles in the relationship. He is a brilliant man, very high maintenance and complex, an artist, and an engineer. Together we are sort of the classic masculine/feminine archetype. He loves to go out and conquer the world and I am comfortable being very grounded in homemaking.
Although he makes a very good salary, because of the financial strain of his divorce, we live on an extremely tight budget. He provides me with enough monthly resources to cover our food and gas and and not a lot more. We have one car, his car, which we share. I am going to begin retraining for VocRehab in the next few months, but in the meantime I am not working outside the house. I have learned to cook and eat only Indian food, because it's the only thing he is content with. I take care of our home entirely, he does not lift a finger. I iron his shirts and pants for work every day and see to it basically that all his needs are met. When we arrived here, with only boxes and no furniture, I gradually, over the course of 3-4 months managed to almost completely furnish our apartment with thrift store furniture, linens, dishes, and other household items. I stripped, sanded, and refinished dressers for the bedroom and decorated the entire space with beautiful secondhand fabrics and curtains I made myself. We do not have a bed. We are still sleeping on two 3 inch foam mattresses on the floor because he feels he can't afford the expense at this point. This is a challenge for me with the back injury, but I have accepted it.
I love this man, and I can really manage to deal with most of what I have described, but here is my issue. When we argue, which lately has been frequently because he is working such long hours, he will blurt out in anger at some point, "Well, just get the f* out of my house then!" This just rubs me the wrong way. I feel that this is my home, even though I do not contribute financially, in every other way I am the one who has created and now maintains this home for us both. I cater to his every whim, lovingly for the most part, because he works so hard and I value his contribution to us. I am friend and lover and mother all rolled into one. And here I am in a new place, in 10 degree weather with snow, having left all my friends and family behind to be with him in love and devotion, and he says this to me as if I am some transient person he brought in off the street. I'm pissed, and insulted, and I am seriously questioning if this is the situation I really want to be in. The emotions run deep here for me, and I don't want to be a self-righteous. I really just want to get some clear perspective on all of it. I would like to hear some reasonable input. Thank you!
My friend and I have been living together for 12 or so years. When I moved in I was doing temp work, but contributing to food and cable and smaller but important expenses.
There was a time over a few years that I would work and/or collect unemployment, but not pay rent. I kept a running total of what I owed him and when I started a long-term temp job I started paying him what I felt was a reasonable rent plus $300 a month and he would get the extra for the 3 paycheck months. During this time I have also payed for 90% of the groceries. He said he would stop taking any extra money once he got his debt under control which I was perfectly fine with.
A couple of weeks ago he mentioned something about not paying any money on a credit card that is mine, but that he uses because there in no interest. I brought up that he should not be using my card anymore and reminded him that he was going to stop my extra payments to him.
My debt is paid now and I told him I felt I was paying too much and he just went off. He reminded me that he had taken care of a couple of emergencies and I reminded him that I pay the groceries plus what I pay him and at the end of the month there is hardly any money for me. I wasn't asking for a free ride, I just want our expenses to be paid equally. He gets mad because I am not saving money for a downpayment on a car, but when I told him I can't pay him and save money he just gets so mad.
I worked it out and over the past 3 1/2 years (I finally got the job permanently) I have paid him almost 60K, yes, that is 60 thousand dollars. So, do I give him actual numbers? When I ask for the bills so that we split them, he gets mad which makes me think that they aren't as high as he told me. When I bring up the subject now he just says pay what you want or don't pay at all and he now says that he won't eat any of "my" food anymore unless he pays me back for it. I feel like a whipped dog, but I am not going to give in for a situation where I know for a fact that I am right.
I'm 31, in a relationship with a 47 year old man with a 14 year old daughter. I have no children. We are looking to rent a place together, and would eventually buy a house together.
I have a fixed income, he does too, they are fairly similar, but he has his own company that he owns with his ex, and is in the process of selling 2 properties he owns with his ex, so he has savings and also has earnings from being the co-owner of the company. I on the other hand am paying off student loans.
I was wondering the following: for the immediate future, I will be moving to his city so he can stay near his daughter, we will rent a place with an extra room for his daughter. Here, I think it's no problem to split the rent half/half, it's just one extra room and I love his daughter. However, do I also pay for her to join us on holidays? Sometimes she also brings a friend so it doubles the costs. And what about groceries and eating out when she joins us, should I just pay for myself or is it more fair for him if we share in the expenses for the care for his daughter? He pays alimony as she is with her mom most of the time.
Eventually we would want to buy a place together, but whilst he will have a fair amount of money in the bank from selling his properties, I have student loans I'm still paying off, and would, if I'm lucky, be able to get a loan to pay for 1/4th of the kind of place he'd have in mind (he has far higher standards than me).
I want to be able to build a future for myself, so I don't want to pay rent to contribute to his mortgage, I want to own a place, not just keep throwing money into a hole in the ground (aka paying rent), but what good would owning 1/4th of a place really do me? Would I be better off buying a small studio I could afford and renting it out and then using that rent to pay for the house we'd share? Then at least I'd own my own little place and not 1/4th of a large place. I'd want a situation that's fair to both of us and good for his daughter.
By Anja K
My boyfriend and I want to move in together. He says that he is "uncomfortable" with the idea of me being on the mortgage or the deed to the home. We've been together for three years. While I understand where he is coming from, I on the other hand am "uncomfortable" paying on a mortgage for a home that I'm not tied to. I myself want to own a home too. I haven't looked into buying a home because we have talked about moving in together.
We have five children between us and need a large home. I couldn't afford to buy a house big enough for all of us, but he can. He offered to have me help with the bills like utilities for an agreed amount of time until I was comfortable paying towards the mortgage. It's a nice gesture, but that won't make me feel any more comfortable. It seems as though he has this "what if this doesn't work out" mentality. I feel like I am being forced to think like that too now. If it doesn't work out I'm out on my bum with nothing and have to start over. Any advice?