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I have a "friend" that I only hear from once a year, when there's something to celebrate regarding her baby's (birth, birthday, baby shower, etc). Staying in contact with her is a one way street any other time of the year.
She's a mid twenties, single mother, that I feel takes advantage of the people around her and I really don't want her in my life. Ignoring her on these occasions is also useless because she'll seek you out to "remind" you of her child's big day. How do I get through to her that our "friendship" is past its prime, without coming off as a ::insert raw word here::?
I think the adult thing to do would be to tell her that the friendship has become one-sided and it takes two to be friends. Tell her what's bothering you instead of going to us.
When you get an invitation to something, I would go to the dollar store, get a card for the occasion, and send it with a little note of regret that you cannot attend. That way it will be clear that you got the invitation, your RSVP will be in writing; and hopefully, over time, she will get the idea that you don't want to come. (And the bonus is, you will not give her fuel for gossip.)
There is nothing wrong in telling her you don't want to be friends anymore! Why do you care what a self-absorbed, greedy person thinks of you? You don't have to be harsh. Just explain how you feel.
If she is only contacting you once a year, it is hardly that much of a nuisance. Just "have other plans" for whatever the occasion is, and I like the idea of posting a card with regrets.
I have a friend who is a single mom whose whole existence revolves around her little girl. She had a tremendously elaborate party for her on her first birthday. It may be that this friend is just as absorbed with her kid, and assumes that the rest of the world is too, and so invites anyone she ever knew to these momentous occasions.
I agree with garnetgirl9 that the adult thing to do would be to tell her that the friendship has become one-sided and it takes two to be friends. Send her en email or a note in the mail.
I have a 10 year friendship with a former coworker. This is a friendship I've valued for all those years. She is black, I'm white. There is no way I can fully understand the injustices of people of color, but I don't understand her comments toward me.
One day we were discussing the incidents involving Bill Cosby. At that time all the women coming forward were white. She said to me "well all white women are weak". I tried to let it slide, but the more I thought about it the more it hurt. Several days later I mentioned that she hurt my feelings. Rather than being sorry she stated she wasn't talking about me. But did she mean my daughter. She shifted the conversation toward the media and current affairs between blacks and whites and other words I thought inappropriate.
It seems she has such dislike for most white people. I have enough stress in my life and I'm tired of such negativity. I feel as if I've basically lost a good friend over the current state of our nation and the situation between blacks and whites that has nothing to do with neither of us.
Since we no longer work together it's hard to find something to talk about. We're both retired; I'm rather active and have a lot of hobbies so we don't have that much common. We talk about getting together for lunch. We're in different Dallas suburbs. I've told her I'd meet her half way, but that's as far as it goes.
As much as I care about this person I feel like the friendship has run it's course if I have to do all the work. It's hard to end a friendship lasting this long. I want it to work, but I have my doubts. I'm struggling with how to distance myself and ending a friendship that has become so toxic.
Dear Betty, I'm so sorry for your struggle. Perhaps a fresh viewpoint would help. This is a difficult topic to discuss. In any relationship there are bound to be disagreements & differences of opinion. Perhaps your friend felt 'out numbered' at the moment, & her comment was a 'defense', but one can never truly know what someone else is thinking, we can only try to give others the benefit of the doubt. It was good to try to let it slide, but you did the right thing by telling her that she hurt your feelings once you recognized how much it bothered you. Keeping those feelings to yourself could have caused resentment later; by telling her, you were trying to open a dialog that might have allowed healing. I'm sure a direct apology would have made you feel better, and you were disappointed not to receive one. It's possible that her statement that 'she wasn't talking about you' was, in fact, her WAY of apologizing- some people do find apologizing to be a 'sign of weakness'. Something to consider, anyway, given her previous statement. I'm not clear as to how your daughter was brought into it, but that would have just added another layer of frustration and anxiety to the situation for you. You said that you "feel like you've basically lost a good friend over the current state of our nation and the situation between blacks & whites that has nothing to do with either of you" - my feeling is this: what we're REALLY talking about is HER core-belief system- you said that she really seems to hate white people, & she herself said "white women are weak", etc.. We are all raised, or otherwise aquire, prejudices about all sorts of things throughout our lives, & while current events may not have anything to do with you & your friend, it sounds to me like this friend BROUGHT this underlying racism into your relationship with her comment. Expressing her opinion in that way was clearly meant to let others know her thoughts on the subject. Everyone makes mistakes and has said things that they regret; but if you are truly sorry for something that you have said or done, especially if it hurts someone, then you apologize- that should always be the first step in trying to correct a wrong-doing or mend a friendship. That is simple common sense and is in NO way a "black or white" issue, it's a HUMAN one. It sounds to me that for several reasons- retirement, different interests, location, etc- the two of you have just grown apart. You've tried to reach out & meet her halfway, but it always takes effort on BOTH sides for a relationship to thrive. It's always difficult to let go of a long term relationship, friendship or otherwise. It certainly sounds like you've done all that you can, even going so far as to reach out to an online community for helpful advice. She's lost a really good friend in you, Betty. All you can do now is cut your losses and move forward. Leave space in your life for new friendships to blossom. Thank your friend in your heart for all that she has taught you, both good and bad, and cherish the memories you've shared. Forgive her and let her go with love and gratitude in your heart, and you'll find the peace and happiness that you so truly deserve... I wish you much love and happiness in all that you do!
Most friendships in your life are only there for a season. There isn't any rule saying they must all be lifelong. Now that we have Facebook and social media it makes us think we must keep in touch with everyone we've ever known from kindergarten onward, but you simply can't maintain that many close relationships.
Most of us have friends from school, but then we graduate. Friends from work, but then we get another job. Maybe we move and find more friends.
I have friends that I only see once in a blue moon and we just pick up where we left off. Others I fall out of touch with and feel we no longer have anything in common.
I think this is a necessary part of life. We all grow and change. You may be willing to move forward, she may not be.
I hope this helps.
It's hard to lose what was once a good friendship. Under the different circumstances of your lives, I don't see any need to formally end it, just let life and time run its course.