I have a well paid husband and a 2 year son. I'm 26 years old and unemployed. He often abuses me verbally in little arguments and always says go back to your home (divorce). It's been 4 years that I have been tolerating everything. He has good side also. But today he hit my son accidentally and also hit me very hard so that I almost fell, just because I didn't come when he called. I was in the kitchen washing dishes. Then he started talking about everything being over. What do I do? I'm an Indian and divorce does not go very well with my society. Please suggest some ideas?
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I would care less what society thinks than what is best for you and your son. Your son could end up abusing his spouse if that's what he sees. Abuse usually gets worse with time. He could injure you badly or even kill you. Get out now!
This is absolutely unacceptable behaviour from him. You and your son do not deserve a second more of this. I come from a similar culture and every day, divorce for the right/safe reason is more tolerated and EXPECTED, especially when they know why. Your safety comes first! Please get out of this situation :(
You are taking the right first step by acknowledging that you are in a bad situation and want to change it.
My daughter-in-law was Indian so I know what you are talking about as her mother suffered all kinds of abuse for many years because she would have been a cast-out if she divorced but that does not have to be true today. Have you discussed your situation with your parents/family/friends? This is something everyone hesitates to do because we may be afraid they will think less of us, think it may be our fault, think it "can't" be true as he is such a "nice" guy, think we should just bear it as it will surely get better, think we are not doing our "job" and/or paying too much attention to the child, and on and on.
I have worked in counseling and I know you probably have some of these thoughts but you really need to make plans to remove yourself and your son from this environment ASAP as this will only get worse and something very bad could happen. Maybe you do not have the financial means to move but you can get help from many places and if you do not know what to do then go to your local police station and ask for help - they will help you find a safe place.
But - and this is very important - YOU have to be ready to make this move and stick with it or you will be in even worse conditions than if you had never started.
You do not say that you live on the reservation or if your husband is Indian but I am assuming this is not the case because if you are living on the reservation then you know you may/will have to work with your own people.
Try to enlist help/support from your family or at least make them aware of what your circumstances are. If they are not supportive, then you will have to bear it alone but you and your son will survive and live a better life down the road.
Very good advice. And I am going to get really honest with you so if you readers are squeamish, stop reading now.
I too was a counselor in the early 70's in Oregon. We had a gal come in with bruises and we gave her the help she needed if she wanted it.
No...he didn't mean it.
The next time was a broken wrist and again, we tried to help.
The next time was broken ribs and nose and we actually sent the police out which we were not suppose to do.
The next time there was no next time.
She was found tied to the pilings under an oyster farm. We don't know if the crabs or the water or the elements took her.
Every single time we tried, it was ultimately up to her.
That was back before social media and in a part of Oregon that had a "tee shirt mentality". Too much drinking, old boy club, the works.
Please remember you are not just responsible for your self but that helpless child of yours. Get the police involved so there is a record. Get help to get out. But please get out.
I know from experience the fear you have every day of your life that you and your child don't matter. If your "culture" doesn't care than you have to.
Cybergrannie, I believe she is from India, not American Indian on a reservation.
Thank you for letting me know this - I have never had any dealings with Indian of this nature but I'm sure it could be devastating to try and deal with everything at one time.
The most important thing is the safety of yourself and your son and deal with whatever family issues you have when you are safe.
Just seek help - you have no idea how much help people will give you when you are trying to remove yourself from an abusive situation.
I hope you find the courage to do what's right for yourself and your son, Sandy.
You must ensure your safety and your son's safety. That does not necessarily mean divorce, but it does mean leaving an unsafe situation until your husband gets counseling for his issues. And regardless of what he may say, his abuse of you is HIS fault, not yours. Please protect your son and yourself! By the way, my husband is Indian also(I am American).
As you can see from the answers/responses to your question - everyone is concerned for you and your son's safety so PLEASE do something now. Do not try to wait and find the "right time" as that may never come. Just pick a time that you cannot be stopped and leave! Take only what is absolutely necessary as others will help you - be afraid but be determined.
find a shelter in your area, and get yourself and your son to it. Everytime this happens, document it, even what is in the past. get pictures. You need evidence, so he doesn't get some high dollar lawyer and take your son and continue to abuse him.
You have dealt with this situation long enough and it won't change. Your husband will not change his physical and verbal abusive toward you. And it is absurd he hit you because you did not go to him when he called - you were busy doing the dishes. Even though he is well paid, Are you happy? It is best to get out of the situation. Have you consulted this with your parents'? Can they help with you moving back home until you can perhaps look for a job?
I was abused by my ex-husband throughout the six years of our marriage. The abuse actually started before we were married, but I thought he would change. Ha! The longer he gets away with it, the worse it gets. By accepting and making excuses for his behavior you are in effect giving him "permission" to abuse both you and your innocent and helpless little boy. It is your responsibility to take care of both yourself and your son. Get out now! Believe me I know it isn't easy - get in touch with your local resources for abused women, most places have them now. They can help you with a place to live, counselling, job search, child care, clothing and even furniture. Don't wait until he puts you or your child in the hospital, or worse. No matter how well paid he is, don't trade financial security for the safety of you and your child.
thanks for taking the courage to write this. It is not easy. You have to deal with the consequences of your future actions, with the acknowledgment that you made a mistake by being with him, by doubts that 'well maybe it's ok, i can put up with it, etc' and i assume some sort of emotional attachment to this person. I think just writing this is the first and most important step.
I think everyone understands that it is SUBOPTIMAL staying with a dangerous and abusive asshole, and I think everyone (including you) understand the practical steps and implications of your decision.
But at a deeper level, the question you HAVE to ask yourself, before even contemplating leaving, is DO YOU DESERVE IT?
Do you, deep down, believe you deserve to be abused, maligned, talked back to? Look really carefully and really honestly say if you believe this.
If you do at some level believe you desrve this, you will have a lot of trouble not only getting away from this situation, but avoiding it in the future. Garbage abusers have a way of glomming on to people who feel they desrve to be abused, who give off that vibe.
If on the other hand you know with rock-hard certainty that you do NOT deserve it, then you will have a pretty easy time doing everything you need to do.
No matter what you believe deep inside yourself, KNOW that you are a wonderful worthy human being who deserves so much more.
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