Here are the questions asked by community members. Read on to see the answers provided by the ThriftyFun community.
I have been with my husband for 16 years and have never been accepted by his mother or one of his sisters, who happen to live next door on the family farm. My husband severed a little piece of the property to build the house we live on. My sister-in-law and her boyfriend know absolutely no boundaries. Maybe they feel that it is just her brother's property, or that she has a right, because she grew up there. They stop by almost every day, sometimes several times a day, unannounced.
I have expressed to my husband that we have no privacy and it's not okay they act this way. My husband called his sister to ask that she not show up unannounced and to please call first. She was very upset. Now she will text him and say things like "Is is safe to come down?" She obviously feels that it is just me that does not want this intrusion. My husband says that we can sell our house and move, but that will take time. In the meantime, how can I live next door to this? Also, I forgot to mention that she has two very loud dogs that bark constantly and come down to our property and bark at my grandchildren, scaring them. She refuses to tie them up. I am so annoyed all the time and I hate feeling this way.
The great part is , your husband is on board to moving! Make sure that this decision stays that way. When things get tough, pick out all the positives to the family moving. Try not to focus on yourself when talking about a move. Talk about the great things that would happen for your children in a positive way.
This must be difficult to live with day in day out - Never knowing when someone will walk in unannounced.
Does your husband go to work away from the property? If he does then is she making her visits while he is away or just when he is home?
What reason does she give for such frequent visits?
It is a shame that you are thinking about selling your home just because of this 'intruder' but then you may wish to move even if this was not happening?
If you are alone during the visits then I would also say to lock the doors and just do not answer but if your husband is home then he should just step outside and say this is not a good time to visit and please call before future visits.
If he does not or cannot do this then you're probably not going to resolve this problem without moving.
This may be frustrating to you but your husband is the one that should be dealing with this as you will always be considered an 'outsider' and no one will be concerned about what bothers you (my opinion).
As to the dogs, you may have to fence in an area that is not accessible to the dogs as I feel sure this is an amusing event to the sister.
It appears that as far as this family is concerned, your husband is the only one they should have to talk to about what is happening on HIS property.
I really feel for you because I do live in a simular situation where I live. We have a piece of land his mom gave us or gave to him when he was very young that we have built our home on and he has lived in this home sine he was 15 years old. I have lived there for the last 24 years. Where we live we need to go through the front of the yard to pass a bridge over the river to get to our home on the other side. When his mom died the other family members started to come back home and build their houses on the larger piece of land. Now they feel that they should tell me what to do all the time.
What we did to stop the mess and to stop the fights was to put up a locked gate on the bridge to limit the access to our land. We also added a fence around the property we won and live on. This keeps them from coming over when they want from the river. I still need to deal with them from time to time when I go over to get my car and leave but in the long run this has cut down on a lot of problems for us here.
I personally would not sell my home and be forced to move to another place because of your husband's sister. I would just install a very large fence around your yard that has a electric gate to open and close for you to enter and leave your yard. This will stop the dogs from coming around and scaring the kids and also give you privacy and allow you to not worry about your sister in law showing up when she wants to.
I know someone who has to deal with an intrusive brother in law and it is in fact unbearable.
You are right about boundaries. Some people have them; others not
It is not good or bad, it's just different family cultures.
The main thing I see here is that they are not very pleasant about it. It's one thing when it's fun intrusive people, but not when it's judgmental, intruding intruders.
Aside from moving, I don't see a useful option that did not involve terminally alienating your husband from his family. If he were wiling to(which it almost sounds like he is) then that would be something. But it is also hard with families, especially when there are future issues of inheritance, etc at play.
About two years ago my mother-in law-moved in with us. I am happy to take care of her, but now it is causing issues when my brother-in-law, who is recently divorced, moved to our town and visits us every single day.
My wife and I both work full time and when we come home, we just want to relax, have dinner, and wind down, but it is hard to do that when we have company every single day. His excuse is that he comes to visit mom. He also brings his teenage son with him and they hang around our house all the time.
He never takes his mom out or does anything for her, but comes and sits on our couch every single day. If my wife and I are out on date or shopping, he will call to find out where we are, what are we doing and what time we will be home. It is so frustrating that my wife and I have ended up in arguments because of him,
Also when he is around, my wife and I can't even have a conversation because he interrupts us and answers all the questions that I ask my wife.
He never puts anything back that he moves. I am just very frustrated with him and the situation.
Please help.
You need to set boundaries. He cannot come unless he is invited. If he calls and asks if it is ok to come, you have the right to say no. Tell him you need your privacy. He wont like it, but you have to decide what is best for you and your family.
The divorce may be hard on him. I would be direct and honest with him and say, we need the space.
You are can come over but perhaps on the weekends, or when time permits I will call you, etc.
You both work full time and it's exhausting to have unwanted company over.
There are lots of good articles out there about setting boundaries.
This is one of them:
www.redlandsdailyfacts.com/
It is hard but being consistent is half the battle.
The whole situation sounds very stressful for everyone so it may be time to take a step back and get everyone to the table and give everyone tasks so they feel useful.
Maybe the teenage nephew can take grandma shopping or her son can take her to the beauty parlor.
If you all can have a QUIET discussion with your mother in law giving her insight if she can, it may help to clear the air.
If you are not able to have a quiet and calm discussion, do you have a trusted priest, reverend, rabbi etc. who could mediate for you? Sometimes a neutral 3rd party is all the situation needs to get it back on track.
Will send up lots of prayers for all of you!!
I have been in that situation before. We had to tell them how we felt, both of us. We actually told him on my own at first so he just sided with my ex and it did not work out. Then my ex tried and he clung to me. We both told him directly after all of it, and although he was really sad, he moved on. It just was not fair on us at all.. I know you feel the same. Have the hearts-to-heart :)
Thanks
I desperately need advice people. My fiance's family and friends are constantly stopping by my place unannounced. I am a nurse who works long days and gets basically no time off and zero time with him. So when I come home I want to be left alone and have peace and quiet with my man, but it's impossible with people constantly banging on the door. It's to the point where I'm a getting a little nasty about it now. It make's me angry that people have no respect for our time or privacy, family or not.
Today I actually had the afternoon free and the moment I start feeling stress free and start thinking maybe we can have a nice afternoon together, someone's beating on the door and low and behold it's his uncle and wife with beers in their hands.
My man refuses to say anything. He doesn't wanna hurt people's feelings and says he grew up that way. None of these people, including my fiancé, work as much as I do. Nobody seems to understand what my problem is until I catch an attitude about it.
I finally did say to them today that I don't like unannounced company because we never get any time together and I don't really want people drinking here. Then I went inside the house while they hung out for a few with my man and eventually left. I feel like a jerk, but c'mon people! Do you all think I need to lighten up and get over it or do you think I'm in the right for not wanting constant visitors after a long day at work?
This has been such a huge source of anxiety for me for months now. I feel like I want to move out if this doesn't stop, am I wrong for feeling this way?
Different families have different ways. Have him tell his family that your work schedule requires that they have pre-planned visits when they come to your home. If they want to see him, let them meet at a Starbucks or similar place while you get your rest. Have this settled now, or else it will get worse.
Since this is how his family has always handled 'guests' then this is his way of life and it will probably not be an easy change.
He feels it would be an insult to tell them they have to make an 'appointment' to visit him and I feel sure they would be very hurt.
I do not believe he will be able to accommodate your wishes in this matter and even it were to lighten up for a while it would soon change after marriage because he is most likely not going to give up family traditions.
He may feel that you are asking him to give up his family life as he knows it and it may seem like a choice - them or me...
In fact, it may get worse.
I'm sorry to say this and I'm sure everyone will have different advice but I have seen this happen and I've never seen a happy ending.
