Farm Jokes

Tip: Counting Cattle Joke

Here's one I saw on a discussion list this morning:

A Wyoming cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Soon he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant for the GOVERNMENT." says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know didley about cows...

Now give me back my dog."

Shared by Fisher

Tip: Dumb Joke

Did you hear about the old farmer who saw a pig along side of the road and fearing a car would hit it he picked it up and put it in the front seat of his truck. Soon a cop stopped him and told him to take the pig to the zoo. A few days later the cop saw the man and pig in the truck again. He stopped him again and said,"I told you to take that pig to the zoo!" The farmer said,"Oh I did and we had so much fun we're going to Six Flags tomorrow!" GROAN!

By Great Granny Vi from Moorpark, Ca.

Tip: Farmer Underpaying His Help Joke

When a rumor got around that a certain farmer was underpaying his help an inspector came to check up. "How many people do you employ?" he asked.

"Two hired men and a hired girl." said the farmer.

"I understand that you are paying them below the minimum wage, " the inspector said.

"Is that so!" said the farmer. He called the hired men and the hired girl. "Now," he said, "Tell this fellow what your wages are."

"One hundred dollars a week," each of the hired men answered. Eighty dollars a week plus room and board," answered the girl.

"Well, that's all right," the inspector said. He turned to the farmer. "Are you sure you don't employ anyone else?"

"Only the half-wit," the farmer said. "He gets his board and a little cash each week for his tobacco."

"That's disgraceful!" the inspector said. "Let me talk to him!"

"Talk to him!?" the farmer said. "Why you're talking to him right now."

By Edie from Detroit, MI