This goes both ways.
Mothers-in-law You know you did not raise a perfect son. Please don't blame it all on the daughter-in-law. If you don't live in their home, then you have no place to be voicing your opinion on a subject that you don't know the full facts on. It is your son's and his wife's home. It is no longer your place to tell him what to do. He is an adult now. His family has grown to include her family. Her family is now also HIS family.
If you demand every holiday, YOU are wrong and out of line. Don't criticize her every move she makes. If you see your daughter in law is struggling, how about helping? State "You seem tired, and I bet you are, with working and raising my grand kids and taking care of my son. Would you like me to come over Saturday and you can nap or have some alone time and I will do the laundry or a couple of chores for you?" So, she doesn't always do it the way you do it, that doesn't make it wrong. Mom; his loyalty and first responsibility is now to his wife, not to his mother.
Daughters-in-law: Give the woman some credit. She did raise your husband. She just doesn't know how to let go. Next time, she tells you how you are doing it all wrong, quiz her. Ask her how she would handle it. You might be surprised at her answer. Maybe she just feels left out because you have never asked her for help like her mother-in-law may have her years ago. Ask her for some family stories and recipes. Let her know you want to keep that alive in her family by passing that down to her grandchildren. So, she doesn't always do it the way you do it-that doesn't make it wrong.
If you have differences, first try to work them out between the two of you. Don't put the son/husband in the middle. Most mother-in-law/daughter-in-law bickering boil down to jealousy of each others time with the son/husband. Don't create scenes in front of the family, especially the grand kids.
Save your health, blood pressure and headaches and just get along.
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