Spouse is Verbally Abusive and Addicted to Painkillers?

The man I married is not the same man I agreed to marry and spend the rest of my life with, "in sickness and in health, til death do us part". I knew when I married him, he came with health issues. What I didn't know, was the power of painkillers!


Long story short, we were married in August 2007, by September 2007 I knew something was wrong. His abuse of his prescription pain killers (and alcohol) were coming to be a constant fight. He always says it's because of the pain, but can never really say from where (sometimes his legs, then his back, then...). He really does have both medical issues, but when he is checked out at the doctors, they say not so bad.

After several attempts to get him help (numerous pain docs, specialists, etc.) by begging, pleading, griping, moaning, demanding, and threatening (in order). I had resorted to counting out his pills and counting what was left (daily), picking up the meds myself and so on, to regulate.

In 2008 he overdosed on ibuprofen, went into full kidney failure and a coma, this is after heart failure in 2005, dying and being brought back. Both brushes with death barely slowed him down. He now takes care of his own meds, he stills buys otc Tylenol (2-3 bottles/mo), and besides the normal lying and sneaking, he has started verbally bashing us.


My sons are now 17 and 20, and both are still in the house. He has never been close to them (at first he liked them in front of people). He doesn't call them by their names, instead he uses filthy/degrading words. He had only ever done this to me in the past. Also, I was kicked out of the bedroom and have to sleep in a recliner, which is now causing me medical issues. (I don't mind though, because otherwise he wants to have sex).

He doesn't care about my medical issues (no one is as bad off as him). He calls me "the crazy bitch" when I try to talk. My boys are confined to their room if he is home. We walk on eggshells when he is home, and we are to keep "his" house a certain way, and ask to use/move anything, etc.

OK, maybe not so short a story. Anyway, at this point I have given up. I can't help him, if he won't help himself. The only reason I remain here is because I took a vow and because I am a full-time college student and can't support myself and the kids. I know that sounds lame, but I truly have tried to find help. I have an advocate at the local YWCA and have started my "safe" plan to get away, but I can't find living help.


The Y has help, but the funds aren't available, so the wait list is 1yr minimum. I have tried a couple local churches, but again no funds, and DSHS says I would have to kick the 20yr old out. Frankly I am not the kind of mom to do that (even when he makes me mad), and he has been looking for work ever since he got laid off in July. I would also have to get a job, and I wouldn't mind except I couldn't find one (that's why I went back to school). I don't think I could handle both at my age, nor do I want to give up school, because I want a solid/stable future! I am on the honor roll after being out of school for 25yrs, and am proud of it.

So how in the world can I pull my "safe" plan off before he gets physically abusive (which I know is close), if I can't find help?

And in the mean time, domestic violence is a "learned" behavior, so this is how my boys are learning to become men. (I'm so glad my family talked me into this). I was a single mother all their life, until marriage 6 years ago, and look at the damage in the last 2 years alone.




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October 7, 20130 found this helpful

Get online and find out what resources are available to you locally; also ask at the school you're attending. Your city might have programs, too. You've tried the "Y" and your churches, but there are other organizations, too. You just have to keep searching until you get the help you need to get out and away from this man.

You might have to give up school temporarily if you need to get a job and save some money, but you can go back (congrats on doing so well after such a long time - that's awesome!). Online searches might also put you in touch with other abuse survivors so you can get their input and advice. How about calling a domestic violence hotline? They can give you some resources as well. It's important that you get your boys away from this abusive man; he's going to undo all the good you taught your sons, and you don't want them to follow his lead. Good luck; prayers are going your way!

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