I sent my new college freshman grandson $50 on his birthday for his on-campus account last week. I know he knows I did so, because my son told me he had let my grandson know I did. Knowing my grandson responds to text messages, here's the one I just composed to him:
Dear <name>, I want to apologize for sending you $50 on your birthday. I didn't realize it at the time, but now I'm sure you must not like to receive gifts of money, because your dad said he had told you sometime last week we each put $50 into your account. You must have told him you didn't like receiving gifts of money, but since I didn't hear from you, I guess you just didn't want to hurt my feelings by telling me you didn't like it. Thank you, but if I had known you didn't like receiving gifts of money when I sent the $50, I wouldn't have done it. So I hope you will forgive me for doing that. You know I never want to hurt your feelings, and I can assure you it won't happen again. I love you, buddy! Sincerely, Grandpa.
I don't know if I'll hear back from him, but he will get the message - and know why I "forgot" his birthday next year.
You did the right thing. He should learn that he is not entitled to anything, and that he should be appreciative of any gifts he receives.
When you give a gift to someone you need to be clear to yourself about your expectations. I learned long ago to take "me" out of the equation. Are you giving the gift to provide joy to the receiver or to yourself? It used to bother me when I gave someone a gift and in turn they gave it to someone else. I think that once you give a gift, it's there for the receiver to do with what he wishes.
Courtesy is a reasonable expectation, in my opinion. And if we don't remind members of the younger generation that such simple things are important, it won't be long until we're surrounded by rudeness. As the elders in the crowd, we're obligated to teach a few things, don't you think? (I customarily tell people they're quite welcome, after holding the door for them - for example - and not hearing a thank you, and "excuse you" to someone who butts in.
That said, it's a great treat meeting people who do take the time for simple courtesy.
You may not receive a lot of responses to your posting but I do believe you will find many who will strongly agree - or disagree - with your response to your grandson.
My one question would be - did your children (son?) always thank you for the gifts they received from you? If yes - or no - what was your response to them? Were you always satisfied with their response?
I only ask this because I have 6 children and many grandchildren so I have given many gifts over the years and cannot say that I always felt they were appreciated. My problem is that I still love them all and just love to see or hear from all of them.
I would very much like them to all be appreciative of any type of gift or favor that is given or done for them but I do not believe I could ever try to shame them into acknowledging this. I'm just saying - I was always taught that it was better to say something nice or nothing at all.
Maybe you could tell your grandson that you hope he bought something nice or had a nice dinner with friends with the birthday gift?
sorry, I know many people will disagree with me but then we are very fortunate and can all still have different opinions.
I understand your frustration on your grandson's manners in responding to a gift. However, sadly generations change and things that we were brought up to be important don't always carry over to the younger generation. Yes, he could have responded with a thank you, but there's no time limit on those things and hopefully when he gets home for that first break from college, he'll express his appreciation then.
I don't agree with some of these response. What ever happened to common courtesy and appreciation. I love the text and the grandson should have been ashamed. I quit giving gifts to grandkids a few tears ago for this reason. My oldest grandson called ME on his birthday asking for a new computer.
Good for you Grandpa. I don't agree with some of these people. They're probably some of the ones that don't say thank you. Little brat deserved the text. Hope you stick to your guns and don't send him any more money. I quit giving gifts a few years ago when my grandsons kept wanting the latest technology.
I'm glad you didn't send it because when I read this yesterday it seemed to me to be the most passive aggressive thing I'd ever read, lol. But I didn't want to say anything too mean or negative.
On the other hand, there is a learning experience there for your grandson available to him, if you HAD sent him that, or if you ever decided to send anything at all.
I agree that a fundamental ingratitude and self-absorption and entitlement are ruining the social fabric of this culture, and this attitude of his is a damning example of that. And all the times that ppl have called me on my misbehaviour has made me a stronger person and I thank them for it, if retroactively, and I feel your grandson would've eventually thanked you for helping him see the error of his ways.
So if you had sent this, I would've applauded you, even if I may have doubted the delivery method
But is it common good manners to thank him for the gift and to acknowledged that he did receive it. The grandson did neither, which is rather rude.
Some children think that 50 dollars isn't enough. They all believe that grandparents are rich and should send them 500 dollars. I think that you are right in forgetting his birthday this year. Maybe, next year he will be thankful that you sent him some money.
I love your response to your grandson.
I think it's common courtesy to thank a giver for a gift. It's not like he's giving it away to someone else.
wkingx - I'm wholeheartedly with you. When someone gives you a gift, the LEAST the recipient can do is thank the giver.
Expecting $500 is ridiculous. I'm old enough to have great-grand nieces and nephews. My nieces and nephews would never expect $50 let alone $500 as a gift.
My sons teenaged grangchildren do not thank me for gifts. Their mother will send me a text saying thanks for the gifts. Last Christmas I gave the two teenaged boys money gifts of $50 each. I enclosed the checks in self addressed, stamped thank you notes. They still did not thank me. They did not send me the notes. I feel horrible having to go through my check register to find out if they received my gifts. Ive decided not to send an more gifts
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What can I do to teach my adult grandchildren to say thank you verbally, for Christmas gifts of gift cards, etc. Their parents say it, they do not.
By Barb S. from Canton, OH
I don't think you can teach them at this point. I'm sorry. My guess is they were taught when they were younger and they just choose not to.
Gratitude unexpressed is gratitude unfelt, IMO. You are under no obligation - morally, socially, or otherwise, to gift your adult grandchildren. I suggest using the money to give to people less priveleged who actually are grateful for gifts. It seems unlikely the ingrates will miss them, and if they do, just explain it didn't seem they actually wanted those things.
It can be hurtful to give a gift that it not acknowledged or seemingly appreciated. There are several ways to handle this either directly or indirectly. This is a page about grandchildren ungrateful for gifts.