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I guess this could be called a 'confidence in myself' tip. Like probably nearly all women, I tend to worry about appearance before I leave the house. I stand in front of the long bathroom mirror and agonize over things like: "Does the color of this shirt look good with the pants", "Are the pants too long?", "Does my hair look a mess?" well, you know the sort of thing! I've been doing this not just once, but several times over.
Now I've decided that this is both time wasting and unproductive and am training myself to go and look once only. The shirt is fine, the pants are fine, my hair is fine. I'm confident enough to face the world and not to worry that others may be looking and making critical remarks (which they are probably not doing at all anyway!)
I used to think after the fact, about all of the intelligent answers I could have used when people were impolite or ignorant to me. I never had a problem being there for someone else though.
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My adult sister dumped all over me telling me what she has thought of me all her life and how I wreck everything for her. All of which is not true. To make a long story short I haven't spoken to her for 3 years and have decided she is narcissistic and don't want her in my life. How do I rebuild my self esteem so I can feel good about myself?
your sister is the one who has the problem and even though it is hard to remember that. you must. do you treat people how you would like to be treated?do you help others if you can? do you go to work every day and not depend on others to support you?
then you are a good person . is this all that makes a good person , no it's not but these are good qualities to have to name a few. i haven't spoken to my family in a long time but that was there choice not mine. does that make me a bad person. no
i am a good person.i like to help people. i am always there for my friends and family and for others if they need me.my family has the problem and they will have to live with their decision
Steven, Be proud of who you are, because there is NO ONE else in the world like you. You need to project how you want to be perceived. Make eye contact with people and smile, smiles are contagious! Compliment people with sincerity, look for something good to say in every situation. You need to look at yourself and find out what qualities you like in yourself, acknowledge them, and be proud of them. Always look for new ways to improve yourself, maybe donate your time to some charities, or take a class at a college. There is a related link called 10 tips to kick start your self esteem, type it into the search and read it, I think you may find it helpful. A New Year is just around the corner, make this your fresh start to a new you!! Good luck and best wishes, Paula
You could start by giving yourself a sympathetic pep talk.
Avoid your sister until she gets her act together, but do send holiday greeting cards and gifts to her kids so no one can accuse you of ignoring her.
Then live your life to the fullest. The painful feelings will come and go, and understand that this will happen for the rest of your life, but less so in the future.
Don't give her the power to continue to hurt you.
Accept the feelings when they come, and say, "I understand where these feelings come from, now go away and stop bothering me."
The acceptance should lower your blood pressure and the rejection will re-build your confidence.
Sometimes bad feelings are more a matter of habit, so you need to cancel them and substitute another thought which is pleasant EVERY time a bad thought happens.
We all have this emotional garbage; you are in good company. It takes 6 weeks to change a habit, so start now!
You can begin to feel good about yourself, when you can learn to forgive, I have learned this the hard way. Forgiveness is something that comes from within, and usually it is not because the person deserves to be forgiven, but, it is something we have to do within our own heart. When you can truly forgive, then your self esteem will grow, because you think more of others than yourself.
Sounds like you know the truth. Adults and older people do not always have a better grip on reality. You've realized that she is not telling the truth, that she has reasons of her own for dumping on you, and that you don't deserve her (ahem). Good for you. If I had realized all that about my emotionally abusive dad when I was a teenager, I would have had a much easier life.
Keep going, now. You are old enough to be able to decide what's true and what's false. Self-esteem-destroying things are mostly false. When you find yourself believing a negative, hurtful lie, fight it with a positive truth. For me, "I'm ugly and nobody likes me" changed to "I'm a normal young woman with clear skin and great hair and a pretty voice, and I have some really good friends." "I can't make these difficult changes" changed to "I can do it over time if I take things bit by bit." "I don't have a guy to love" turned into "I'll keep looking for the right person and I'll know him when I see him." And, "I can't live on my own" changed to "Living on my own is normal and healthy, and I'm normal and healthy, so I can do it."
This works. I promise.
This is not as uncommon as you think. I have a sister who tries to run my life, and I've talked to others who have sisters they cant stand as well.
Please remember that this is HER problem and not yours. What she has said is a reflection on her and not on YOU. You would do well to go for a few therapy sessions. They are well worth the money. It doesnt mean there is anything wrong with you.
For self help, a journal helps. Each day list things that you are thankful for and that you like about yourself.
True wholeness comes once you are able to forgive your sister and go on with your life. You need to be able to abide her presence just for small amounts of time. imho... When you stay mad at someone it doesnt hurt them. It hurts you. Eventually anger turns into depression.
Take good care of yourself. There are many of us who care.
I think you took the best first step by putting distance between you. Surround yourself with positive friends and family. When she dumps on you, realize that she is unhappy and taking it out on you.
She may be jeoulous of attention you have gotten from parents from simply being male. This can happen and it is not the child's fault. We were four girls and my parents were FUN we went to ballgames with family and dad was proud of his girls. Of course 4 sisters was WAR sometimes to this day I find the advantage in numbers as in when one sister is miserable and mean then oh well 3 other sisters.
We all go through different stages in life and sometimes just clash. We forgive and go on and we try to be decent to each other. Good luck and stay strong.
How to do I get back my self confidence? I have been hit with some setbacks that have rocked me to the core, my self confidence right now is at zero. Does anyone have any tips on getting it back?
By Lynda from Kearny, NJ
Just listening to an interview on the radio with the local public health nurse on a subject called psychological first aid, which the need can come from disasters, grief, illness, etc. You need to find someone who can listen to you talk, sometimes that is the first basic need. If you need more assistance, it does not suggest a neighbor or family, but a pastor, social worker, others who are trained in helping.
My issues always stay the level of talking to a friend. Join a volunteer situation, read to kids at the library, volunteer at the local nursing home, etc. Those are starters without a lot of commitment until you are ready. As you build your self confidence, you can take bigger steps in making goals.
One of my sons is a TKD Master and confidence building block. He often gets students who make great strides in finding themselves and self respect. Finding a class like that, or self defense class will help with your assurance.
Okay, I'm going to come at this from a different angle. Long story, short, is while I was in counseling/therapy, my therapist encouraged me to look outside of my situation. I thought about how I could do this and decided to volunteer at our local senior center. I was seized by fear that I had nothing to offer, boy was I wrong. While my goal was to be of assistance to the members of the center, the most amazing thing was, my self confidence grew in leaps and bounds.
The gratitude of those I worked with, blew me away, so much gratitude, for so little I had done. I felt valued and accepted, and my transformation was nothing short of amazing. And being able to help someone else and focus on their needs, took my eyes off of myself. It really reprioritized my life, giving back was an awesome feeling, with the realization that everyone, even me, has something to offer. Look for somewhere that can meet you time constraints, you'll literally be amazed at how many options there are to volunteer all around you.
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I am looking for ways to avoid loosing my cool when my husband tries to find fault with something I do. I know that he is verbally abusive, but I want to avoid the confrontations that make me look weak. What can I do so that I can keep our marriage as happy as it usually is? Should I get involved in activities that will make my self value better? What can I do?
My mother used to tell my dad that only people who were actually doing something could make mistakes! They were happily (for the most part) married for 25 years until he died. Some guys just don't realize they're doing that. My husband was soooo bad at correcting everything I did (even nursing my babies, even though HE had never done it!) so I started telling him that since he wasn't around when I tried to do whatever that I had to think for myself so naturally it was done wrong because we all knew I was stupid. He knew I wasn't so he knew I was being sarcastic. After many times of saying that he got the message and is not so critical now. If he reverts back I have to do a refresher course for him. Gotta love um! They can't help it sometimes. (11/02/2009)
I think the majority of the men that are verbally abusive know exactly what they are doing. Anyway, in my experience with my ex-husband, we were married for 19 years. Also other cases of verbal abuse that I have seen the men knew what they were doing. My "ex" did a lot of swearing at me, telling me how stupid I was, Also one of his favorite expressions was "women were only good for one thing and most of them weren't any good at that." My theory was I had made my bed, so I had to lie in it. We have been divorced since 1983, and neither one of us has remarried. He moved in with a woman before the divorce became final, and is till with her, where we are there is no common law marriage. Emotionally I am better off, but financially I am harder up. Feeling better emotionally is worth it. Actually we get along real well as long as we aren't in the same town.
My thought is that as long as there is verbal or physical abuse, a relationship isn't happy. When I was married it was always in the back of my mind when he would be yelling and swearing at me that it might turn abusive. I also feel that if a significant other can't treat their mate with respect, concern, and caring there isn't real love. If you don't respect a person how can you love them?
When I talk to young women/girls, I now urge them to keep some money in a place where the significant other doesn't know about it or get to it. That way if they have to get out, they have something to rely on. While I was still working my young boss and I were talking about that and she said at her wedding reception one of the guest advised her to do that, right in front of her husband. She said she already had that, she had her own checking account, debit card, credit cards, and a certain amount of cash set aside, plus her own car in her own name. (11/02/2009)
This is an add on to my comment of yesterday.
I see that redhatterb has really had an abusive husband. Mine isn't like that...just often times correcting me and my actions. It would depend greatly on how he (yours) acts as to how you should handle it. Seems people are labeling almost every negative thing now a days as abusive. Calling names and saying really hurtful things, especially in public, is certainly abusive. If yours is the lesser type you can laugh it away (sometimes) or apologize profusely for making yet another mistake and help him to realize he's "doing it again." Only you know just how "abusive" he truly is. (11/03/2009)
When your husband criticizes you, tell him you aren't working for him, you're working for Jesus! And Jesus loves you! When I do laundry, I pretend it's Jesus' laundry. When I wash dirty dishes, I pretend I'm cleaning them for Jesus. It helps change your perspective. Every job I do, I approach like this and that way it becomes more pleasant. It really doesn't matter what your husband thinks or what he says. As long as we're doing our best for the Lord, that's all that matters! (11/05/2009)
By Lee Taylor
I was married for 27 yrs to a verbally abusive husband. I think my love for him made me overlook how abusive he really was. A person can never go wrong with learning to love themselves and improving their self esteem. Please help yourself. I suggest reading some self help books on improving self esteem, but you may need to see a therapist. If you don't take care of it now, it will only get worse, my dear. (11/05/2009)
After I posted my reply, I went back and read what others have posted to your request. IMHO, this constant criticizing is a form of control. Verbal abuse has control at its heart. It is not right for one person to have control over another. Jesus wouldn't want for us to be door mats.
My husband always made it sound like he was right. he was well-educated and sang in the choir at our church. I always thought he was well meaning. I loved him so very, very much. I loved him maybe even more than myself. As a young mother I had little time to think about it. But I ended up with severe depression and anxiety with panic attacks. It is almost 20 yrs in the past now, but I can more clearly see how my body and mind were trying to survive in spite of what was being thrown at me. After 27 years of his verbal treatment, my body was in its death throws.
I am begging you to not let this situation continue. The fact that you have mentioned it, makes it important enough to require attention from people who care about you and will make recommendations for your welfare. Please take care of yourself first. It you have no YOU, you are not able to help another person...even if he is your husband. Attend to YOURSELF. It is not selfishness.
God Bless you, my friend. (11/05/2009)
The fact that you recognize that your husband is abusive should be an eye opener. He is not going to change. My advise is to get Christian counseling. You can't go wrong with Jesus on your side, whether you decide you should leave or stay and continue to take the abuse (I recommend the first). You deserve better. (11/05/2009)
I discovered, the hard way, that verbal abuse leads to physical abuse. If you want to keep a happy marriage, go see a family counselor, either with him (preferably), or without him. You need a professional to talk to your family doctor or minister can recommend one. My marriage went from verbal abuse to physical abuse and continued for 26 years because I loved him, until I wised up and dumped him. He still leaves nasty messages on my answering machine. 6 years after the divorce! I delete them without listening. My neighbor screens them for me. She's a godsend! But I'm so much happier now, and finally am able to sleep in peace without the fear that he will come home and start yelling at me for whatever he thought I had done wrong. Get counseling and fast! (11/05/2009)
By Dena Roberts
Sometimes humor works well. My husband is a know-it-all and is very bossy. He's mellowing out. But I still occasionally need to respond to him with a "Yessir, Massah." or a quick military salute, or a mock bow with a deep bend from the waist. (11/05/2009)
Tell your husband that he is not your father, that it is not his job to tell you how to do stuff, you are an adult, you were not brought up the same way he was, everyone does things there own way. These are things I've had to tell my husband because he thinks he has to teach me things. I think it has helped some. Hope it works for you. (11/05/2009)
Catastrophy's right. You really need a safe place to vent your own negative emotions so you can keep your cool with hubby. Most towns have counseling services with fees contingent on income. Or, hopefully, you can find a trustworthy female friend. I'm in the position of not having access to anyone outside the home, so I rely on prayer, and my journal. It's on my computer and my cranky old-fart hubby is technologically helpless, so he can't snoop. (11/07/2009)