Advice for Dealing with Lazy and Abusive Husband

I'm financially independent woman. I am married and have a daughter an year and half old. My husband is also earning but a little lesser than me. He is dependent on me for paying the rent of the house. He agreed to bring the grocery items. I do all the household work. He doesn't lift a waste paper and throw it in the dust bin.

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He loves his daughter. Being a working lady I'm not able to concentrate on my daughter but I'll do whatever I can. Besides this I need to do cooking in the house. He never helps me and keeps abusing me for what I couldn't do. I'm not understanding how to get rid of him. I'm staying with him just for the society. I'm confident of bringing up my daughter at my own expenses. I can give her good education. But I really can't bear his abuses just for the sake of the money he is spending on the groceries. Please help me. And give a good suggestion.

Gayatri from India

January 3, 20080 found this helpful

Get rid of him A.S.A.P. mental abuse is as damaging as physical..... get out now

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January 3, 20080 found this helpful

Get out! Forget society, there is help too even if you are working. I had a friend that was a single mom and worked and she got help from jfs services it wasn't like a hand out she was working! Mental abuse is still abuse even if he doesn't hit you! Your daughter will learn by watching you and you don't want her to make the same mistakes plus if he is abusive to you and he's the one home with your daughter while you work what makes you think he isn't doing it to her? if you pay all the rent and bills get the receipts as proof and then tell him out or pack his bags and have police escort him out!

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January 3, 20080 found this helpful

I totally agree with the other post!!

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January 3, 20080 found this helpful

Dr. Laura Schlzenger would say as long as you are not being physically abused or he's an acoholic you should honor your vows. You should read her book, The proper feeding and care of husbands. You may be able to turn things around where he is a perfect husband. The younger generation seems to want to get out if things are not working instead of working at making it better. Everyone comes across problems like this. My husband doesn't cook or clean up either. We are 58 and that's how things are with that generation. You don't divorce because your day isn't going the way you want.

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January 3, 20080 found this helpful

Maybe your problem is since you make more money you feel superior to him instead of making him feel like he's the man of the house. Our money is not yours and mine, it's our money. We pay the bills with our money. We buy groceries with our money. That's how it works at our house. Sounds like you want to be sure he knows what's yours and what's his. Do you love him? If not why did you get married to him? Did you know then what kind of a person he was? Now I'm sounding like Dr. Laura. Sorry I listen to her all the time. Think it over before you decide on doing something you'll regret. Remember that's your daughter's daddy. She can only have one daddy. The next guy might not see her as his daughter.

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January 3, 20080 found this helpful

I agree - your daughter is watching you as a role model, & she will think this is the way marriage is. No one deserves to be abused - throw him out!!

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January 3, 20080 found this helpful

like you I once was in abusive situation... but i got out... Thank God. when women stay in an abusive relationship... they are fooling them self it's going to get better, and usually they have a low self esteem Please take note there is something better out there. It may take a while for you to see the light at the end of the tunnel... but assess your situation... don't loose your self respect out of this relationship... and you don't want your daughter growing up thinking this is normal. Do both your self a favor reach for your happiness and things will in time start to smile back at you... don't be fooled that its going to happen overnight and i do promise it can get better. Just don't help anyone to jail you in a bad situation... Now the first step is to help your self, then plan it... and stick to your plan... and get happy with a new life that awaits you

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January 3, 20080 found this helpful

I agree with the last two posters. It might be true that people give up too easily but when I was abused physically and stayed with my husband because of the kids, it was the dumbest thing I ever did and I did it for 25 years. I still didn't learn. I married the next one who abused me mentally. I put up with that for 19 years. Don't put up with it and waste your life like I did. Most of the time I think what Dr. Laura says is just to shock to sell books. She talks so down to people when all they want is help. I cannot see why people listen to her......she is not even a dr. but calls herself that.

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January 3, 20080 found this helpful

Get out of there as fast as your feet can carry you!

Mental abuse is abuse and totally uncalled for in any situation.

You certainly don't want to teach your daughter that abusing or taking abuse is the right thing to do. She will learn this if you stay and allow the situation to continue as is.

I would suggest if you don't want to leave you absolutely BOTH see a counselor.

Dr Laura is a nut and doesn't live by her own advice!

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January 3, 20080 found this helpful

Did you say you were from India? I'm sure things are much different there for women. You are very lucky, you are confident that you can do it. That's half the battle. Your little girl deserves a better life. My motto is "If I have to do everything all by myself then I will." No freeloading allowed and definitely no abuse. If you don't get out soon it will affect your happiness the rest of your life. Good Luck and let us know how it works out.

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January 3, 20080 found this helpful

There is a lot of conflicting advice here. Partnerships involve sharing and compromise. It's not always easy and is a continuous process. If you've already tried communicating about the problems and/or have tried mediation and nothing has worked then you'd both have to decide if you wanted to go your separate ways. You've mentioned that your husband loves his daughter, you must both also consider her in your decisions.

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January 3, 20080 found this helpful

I see that you live in India. Was yours an arranged marriage by your father or his father? I know a lot of India marriages are. I had a friend who was from India, and in the same situation you are. She finally got out of the marriage. Are there any councelers there you can trust? If so, I would make an appointment and see if they can offer some help for you.

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January 3, 20080 found this helpful

Gayatri, I have never been in your situation. I am a college educated woman and I am still young.

However, my own father was abusive to my mother and she left him when I was an infant. I must say that even now I am happy that my mother made the right decision.

A man that loves his child; but is abusive to their mother does not truly love his child. Children need to be loved and well taken care of and part of this care includes mutal respect among their caregivers.

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January 3, 20080 found this helpful

You should get advice from someone who is qualified to give it. This is not the proper place. Do you have a religious counselor or a legal counselor, or even someone you know and trust? Can you afford to see a marriage counselor? You should see someone who can advise you in the right direction. Your daughter is a priority.

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January 3, 20080 found this helpful

You must find someone to give you the proper legal advice there in India. If you were here in Canada, my advice would be to throw the bum out and see a lawyer. However, there may be some legal ramifications that we are not aware of. However, you must not put up with any kind of abuse. You must put yourself and your daughter as a priority. Seek the proper legal advice, perhaps marriage counselling might be an option. But, take action to end the abuse, whatever you must do.

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January 3, 20080 found this helpful

Let's remember she lives in India--divorce may not be an option.

Can you tell us if you have a safe place to go?

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January 3, 20080 found this helpful

In our country, a person can see a lawyer for no money. If the lawyer accepts the case, he gets paid out of the proceeds of the law suit.

We do not put up with any type of abuse in our country. I too got rid of my husband for his emotional abuse. Dont hesitate to stand up for yourself. You have rights. You must be a good example for your children.

The very best of luck

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January 3, 20080 found this helpful

We are very much worried about you. You are in India, where marriage is not about equality or as I understand it. Do you have a safe place to go? I have read about India's bride-burnings. Please repost, tell us more about how you're doing. What are your parents saying? Your daughter is watching what you do about this and seeing how to relate to a man. Give her a good example as best as you can, one day at a time. God bless you!

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January 3, 20080 found this helpful

I guess you just could consider him the "Daycare person"... Because it seems he's at least good with your daughter. Make sure he only says good things about you to her & never puts you down! You could also find a good marriage councilor (one that won't only side with men) then tell him: Either we go to counseling, or I WILL divorce you! (Yes! you'll have to pay for it!)

Or you could have your brother or your father talk to him. Was this an arranged marriage? Or a "love match"?... Because if it was an arranged marriage, then your family will feel partly responsible and will most likely help you in any way they can. But, if it was a "love match" then, you are probably on your own.

---> And for all you out there: Yes, divorce is an option in India. It's legal, at least... BUT, it's worse than it was here in the USA in the 1950's... Everyone treats you (and your whole family) differently & with less respect! ...It's like you and your whole family "loose face" in the community. Usually women only divorce in India if they are being cheated on or SEVERELY physically abused... OR, if their family tells them to.

* It's almost like it was here in America before the 1900's.

If you DO decide to stay with him, I guess you could at least try this: Flatter him every time he DOES do something good.... Maybe this will make him change in little tiny ways. Sometimes men are like little boys that never grow up. (Yes!... I know there are good men out there, I have one!... But there's more than an equal amount that never grow up!)

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January 3, 20080 found this helpful

I am an British Australian married to an Anglo Indian. My father in law is very strict and his wife does whatever he says. Saying that he absolutely adores her, it is just that this is the way he was brought up.

My husband is 41 and has been brought up in the same way. Did he get a shock when he married me, I come from a single parent family where there was only mum and me and mum learned to be independent very quickly. When we first go married and we both worked, he didn't do anything around the house or yard.

On mum's suggestion we sat down and made out a list of all the things that needed to be done around the home. He was amazed at what had to be done. For 2 weeks I worked and did everything on the list. When he didn't get any personal attention because I was so tired and had a cranky wife - he soon realised he had to help.

That was 14 years ago and we now have 3 kids.l I work 2 days a week. My husband still has a lot of his bringing up in him but he helps with doing the dishes, vacuuming, ironing and helping with the kids. He hates cooking but has learned to make toast and hot milk for the kids.

At first his parents were shocked that I would even ask him to help. I sat down and spoke to his mum. She as amazed at how things were different from her situation as she had never worked outside the home. She agreed that he son needed to help and then backed me up. We worked out a budget and decided on how much money we each should get to spend on personal items like lunches etc. I do the banking fortnightly and put the money into the joint account. If either of us wants more money we talk and see if the item is necessary.

He is quiet happy with this system as he gets a say in what is going on We have separate bank accounts that our pays go (even if I do make most of the decisions). We always take about what is happening with the kids and make decisions together.

Each night I give him a quick run down of what has happened during the day and he does the same for me. When one gets stressed or angry, the other one will look after the kids while the angry one goes and cools off.

A marriage is an equal partnership where both people need to be respected and loved. Marriages do need to be worked at and if you are having problems going to a professional counselor is really worthwhile, as they can give you independant advice as they do not know you or your family.

If this does not work and set yourself a time frame, then consider your options. No-one deserves to be physically, mentally or verbally abused. It is not good for you or your daughter. You don't want her growing up thinking that it is ok for men to treat women this way.

Men need to have things pointed out to them, quite often they do not realise that they are being horrible. On the other hand some men just couldn't care less and think that women are second class citizens. As your daughter gets older she will start to question by things are the way they are in your household compared to her friends. As kids get older they become very good at reading what is happening in the home. If your husband won't change and you stay, your daughter could see you as a weak person.

I wish you the very best of luck with this situation and remember the 2 most important people in this situation are you and your daughter. I don't know who this Dr Laura is but after reading the post about her, I am not sure about her advice. If one partner in a marriage is going to be a jerk, it is not fair to expect the other part to stay.

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January 3, 20080 found this helpful

Hai Gayathri, please get rid of him. Don't hesitate and don't waste your time with him. I'm also facing the same problem. We couldn't change them because these are all their wrong brought up. We could not bear. Advises are worthless. You are in the 21st century. Take a good decision and be safe.

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January 3, 20080 found this helpful

From what I can gather, you seem to be resentful, maybe the fact that u also have to earn and do the household chores as well. Why don't you both discuss this as adults keeping your daughter's well being in mind? Maybe there would be a way to work this marriage out.

Its always takes two hands to clap - try not to be so very hurt and angry. Its difficult but remember you too have to give a little to get a little. Life is all about compromises. Good luck to you!

I would advise you to try give your guy another chance and try hard to work things out for both your daughter and you.

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January 4, 20080 found this helpful

Go to www.flylady.net.

THere is a wealth of information on dealing with your situation. Abuse, well that is not acceptable anywhere. If he is either physically or emotionally abusive, seek councilling.

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January 9, 20080 found this helpful

LEAVE. HE will never change.

You don't have to put up with that

life.

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January 12, 20080 found this helpful

It is time for you to take your daughter, and find a new home without him. Life is about raising family, and enjoying each other's companionship. If you are miserable, your daughter will grow up in a miserable home. Move away. Do this for both of you.

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February 11, 20080 found this helpful

You should get out as soon as you can and don't look back, he wil never change.

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