Financial Outcome of Divorcing a Verbally Abusive Husband?

I am blamed when something breaks in the house or goes wrong. Here is one thing that happened. I was down in the basement and I heard this explosion and it was the front picture window that shattered. It was shattering from the inside. I woke him up and he started calling me names and saying you're about a stupid B! and I was no where near the window. This is all the time no matter what happens.


In the past he told me the only reason he stayed with me is because I could not take care of myself. That was 14 years ago and I was not working. He had someone at work interested in him, he said. I was so distraught because at the time I was 50. He also was flirting with a woman next door and she was a live in girlfriend of my neighbor's.

He admits it's all his fault. I just want out. I went to work in an office and started cleaning homes and offices and now have my own small business. Our home is almost paid for and I am 64 now. I am working and he is 62 and still working. I went to see an attorney, as I was married for 14 years before and this time 25 years. I want to enjoy the rest of my life in peace. The attorney told me that if he did not file for divorce and I did I would probably not get to keep the house. It is one year from being paid for. It would be spilt and he has more than the house is worth in his 401K. She said if I file and he doesn't and he doesn't want me to have the house it would be sold. The taxes are cheap and I could afford to stay here, but I know he won't want me to have it so it will be sold and spilt. Then I go out there with maybe 1/2 the house and 1/2 of the 401K if I am lucky, maybe 100k.

I don't have the Social Security he will have. I was told if I divorce him 2 years before I file for Social Security they will boost mine up to 1/2 of my ex- husband's or my current husband's whoever made the most. I have my own credit/credit cards, new car, etc. I want out and the attorney told me if I start it will look like I want out and the court may award him more if I file and he does not and I don't think he will.

I am getting very depressed and I just want a divorce and am willing to split down the middle, but he will hide stuff if he finds out so I can't have it. Can anyone weigh in here? I deserve my life and want him to go find whatever he wanted a while back as I don't want to be around him any longer. I am very healthy and active and work. Thank you all in advance.

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Gold Post Medal for All Time! 677 Posts
October 5, 20170 found this helpful
Best Answer

Divorce laws are different in every state.

In my state, if you pool financial resources, or buy some property both of you own with your own money, that becomes a joint asset. You would split it.


Any gifts or inheritances you got are yours, provided you did not pool the resources (put in joint account or bought jointly owned assets)

If you had a prenuptual agreement, any assets you brought into the marriage are separate. If you didn't, the law depends on where you live.

Depending on how long you were married and how he worked, you may be entitled to some of his Social Security.


Gold Feedback Medal for All Time! 949 Feedbacks
October 12, 20171 found this helpful
Best Answer

You do not mention physical abuse in your posting so it seems safe to assume you are dealing with verbal abuse. That is not to say that verbal abuse is to be taken lightly but if it is a choice between living in your home or living elsewhere then perhaps you can survive until you can afford a divorce.


A divorce will be expensive (how expensive depends on where you live) and the initial cost will not be the final cost as other charges will be added as time goes on (be sure the initial payment receipt specifies exactly what it covers). And - if your husband fights the divorce it will cost even more but some attorneys will accept payment when the divorce is finalized and some states may make the other party pay either all of the costs or half the cost.

Since there appears to be a large sum of money involved I feel sure your husband will have an attorney to fight for his rights also. Making him move out of your home may not be an easy task unless it is proven he is abusive and you may have to share the home even if a divorce is in progress.

Remember, in most states once someone moves out of the home it is very difficult to get permission to move back if the other party fights it so find out about this before you make any moves.


There is a lot of information on-line pertaining to divorce and I highly recommend you take time to research as much as possible about laws in your state. Here is a link to get you started.

Very important - there are also very strict laws about a 401K so be sure you know what to expect as it is not a cut and dried half way split (and neither are other assets such as a home, autos, businesses, possessions).

October 15, 20171 found this helpful

Great advice, no physical abuse but more today as far is verbal. I know I want to move but I really would like to stay here as he would also. the house nearly paid for and I did speak to an attorney very expensive but I am going to call another one.


I believe I will have to pay for the divorce and he will not file because he knows if I do it will look like I am the bad guy for wanting out. It's really strange as It is going to be expensive to just get half of everything. thank you.


Gold Feedback Medal for All Time! 949 Feedbacks
October 7, 20171 found this helpful

You do not say how your previous marriage ended but if not in divorce than you are probably in for some very shocking dealings the further down this path you travel.

  • Divorce laws are very different in each state so I feel sure your attorney is stating the facts as they stand in your state.
  • Since you do not feel that your husband will initiate filing for divorce and you wish to get a divorce in the near future it appears you have no alternative but to file and suffer whatever the consequences.
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  • It is possible that he may claim that he does not want the divorce and does not feel that a 50/50 split is fair to him as he is the victim and you may lose some of that also.
  • If you do not plan to draw your SS when eligible then waiting 2 years after the divorce may be a good thing. Since you will be able to draw from either husband then hopefully your benefit will worth the wait. (I have never heard of this 2 year waiting period after the divorce.)

I'm not sure how the split would work with a 401K but there may be some stiff early withdrawal fees so be sure that isn't going to happen.
Have you and your husband discussed getting a divorce? I do not think it would be advisable for you to move out of your home even if you file for divorce so be sure to discuss every move with your attorney before you do anything that could hurt your financial future.

October 11, 20170 found this helpful

Thank you and yes my previous marriage was for 14 years and ended up in divorce. I looked had called social security and they told me I thought 2 years as my ex husband made a lot of money. I do think he wants the divorce but doesn't want to give me anything. We have been married 25 years. I do not want to be penalized on the 401 k. I have a small business I started 6 years ago and I can see retirement is not in my future. Thank you for the advice it is appreciated and also I am going to speak to another attorney.


Silver Post Medal for All Time! 433 Posts
October 11, 20171 found this helpful

Wanting a divorce.

Step 1
Getting out and getting half sounds good to me.

Step 2
I would rather have a piece of mind then all the money.

Step 3
Once you take that step and leave him you will do fine and be glad you did.

Step 4
You will eventually meet someone else or new friends.

Step 5
It is really scary because you really have not been on your own for a long time.

Step 6
My sister left her abusive husband finally after many years she was scared,you need a support system.

Step 7
Whether it is family or friends even a woman's shelter until you get on your feet.

October 11, 20170 found this helpful

Thank you I have a small business I started on my own. I believe I can make it but it would be easier to stay in the house because it's almost paid for. If I have to take on high rent it is doing to be hard and yes you are thinking like I am thinking 1/2 better than nothing. spoke to one attorney over 3k to start yikes.


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