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Leaving an Abusive Husband?

I have been married 18 years. I have three children. The first years of marriage were filled with violence, control, everything. Fast forward 10 years with church help, some DV classes, my husband is no longer violent, but classic passive aggressive, and all other acts of emotional abuse...classic. He also has emotional affairs, last one was 1 year long.

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Now he is in counseling for military personnel, but at some point I woke up and want out. Here is the caveat. I am pregnant with fourth child, 7 weeks, due to obligatory sex and I am not allowed to use birth control. I was so close to leaving finally, but now I feel like a prisoner again. I have not worked in 18 years due to this marriage, my resilience is weak and I am not sure whether to terminate the pregnancy so I can run. I am 43 years old and just will absolutely never trust this man again, truly. I know he is not changing and I don't like him anyways. I am so afraid of turning my young daughters' lives inside out by going to a shelter. Is there another way and I don't want another child. I am so tired.

By Janis

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November 2, 20130 found this helpful

It is your choice whether or not to have an abortion. At your age, I would definitely consider it, rapidly. I would have done it even at a younger age. I also don't know what you mean about disrupting your kids lives by going to a shelter. It would be a lot more calm, than living in the situation you are in now. I have a daughter and her four kids that lived in a shelter for a few months and the kids didn't suffer from it. The way I understand it they make sure the kids get to the same school they have been attending all along.

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Talk to somebody at the Department of Social Services and see what advice you can get from them. If you stay where you are, and have the baby, things will only get worse. If as you stated you pregnant because of forced sex, coerced, compelled, or whatever, that is the same as rape, even though you are married.

Some states do have something called marital rape. Why doesn't your husband want you to use birth control, cost, or is it just that he wants to keep you barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen? I highly recommend taking your kids and getting out.

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November 2, 20130 found this helpful

Make an appointment to speak to someone at your local DHS office. They have tons of information and programs to help people in similar situations.

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All of this can be done in secret if you mention that you are in an abusive relationship and need help out.

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November 4, 20130 found this helpful

Janis... So sorry to see you are going through all this repeatedly with him. First, I believe it would be best to go to the shelter. There are a lot of good shelters out there where you can rest and think. It's true, they will still go to their same school so their routines won't be disrupted.

I feel you shouldn't make a rushed decision about aborting the baby in the state you are in. You could regret it for the rest of your life. Take that time in the shelter to really think about it. You can always give it up for adoption if you really end up not wanting to raise another one.

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But either way, atleast you won't have that haunting you the rest of your life.

I have been in a physically abusive relationship that took me along time to finally leave. I know how hard it is to make that first step, not knowing where to go, how to do it, the money, etc. It's scary... but the shelter can help you work it all out. I highly recommend you do go there, for your children's sake.

Please feel free to contact me if you'd like to talk with someone else who's been there. Della

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November 4, 20130 found this helpful

You sound so tired and discouraged. It must make starting a new life with children seem almost impossible. What you can't see or feel at the moment is the satisfaction and joy you will begin to feel when you begin a new life for you and your children.

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You have just lost sight of that. Take those first steps and you will begin to see it. In my experience those babies who come along at the worst possible times in our lives turn out to be the biggest blessings of all. Good luck to you.

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November 4, 20130 found this helpful

Janis,
I am sorry that you are in this situation. You haven't mentioned what state your living in, but there are several programs out there that could help you. You need to gather all the strength that you have and remove yourself and your children out of this abusive situation. It will take courage and determination, but you can do it! You already took the first step, by reaching out. Please email me if you need to talk, maybe I can help. Stay strong and always put yourself and children first. I'm praying for you and your children. tammymohl AT comcast.net

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November 4, 20130 found this helpful

If you want an opinion, leave. You must follow your heart with regard to termination of pregnancy, however, whatever you decide, it should not affect whether you stay or go. You have said you want to go; now is the time. The decision to leave is the hardest step. Once you have made that, you are on your way. Start making plans to leave.

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Contact a lawyer; contact a women's shelter; perhaps you have family that can help. When you are exhausted it is very difficult to make a decision, and being pregnant adds to the exhaustion. But you know what is best for you and your children, so you must take one day at a time, and start the process. Good luck.

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