RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
Hi All! I have been in the same boat as ya'll for the past 3 years. I had no clue that I was being verbally/emotionally abused. I just assumed that he acted that way because it was my fault and in essence I deserved to be punished. I now know that this thinking is very, very wrong. No one under the planet has the right to degrade you, humiliate you, or say any words or actions that devalue you as a person. We all are very special individuals, in fact, we are all children of God and never deserve to be disrespected. With that said, if you tolerate the abuse, you are in fact contributing to the problem.
You must let your spouse know specifically what he is doing (concisely and calmy) is verbal abuse and that you will no longer accept this inappropriate behavior. State, " I am leaving right now unless you calm down". If they don't stop pack up and leave the house every time. You must always stick to what you say and be Consistent. Tell your partner we will continue to discuss this when we can talk in love, using edifying words. Set your boundaries and STICK to it.
The abuse will stop. If it doesn't you must let your partner know that if this behavior does not stop, divorce is in order. I do not believe in divorce, but you must stand up for what is right. God loves you and knows your heart, He will provide away for you and your family to survive. A promise a peace will come over you when you stand up for what is right.
Posted on 11/03/2009 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
I don't know how active this board is, but I feel like I need to be posting here as well. I'm 24, stay at home mom of 2 under 2. My husband is the sole breadwinner in our household.
I am fairly certain I'm dealing with some kind of abuse as well, but I'm not sure if its only verbal, or also emotional. My guess is both.
As a general rule, my husband is a great guy. I love him as much as I ever could. However, quite often, he decides to go a little nutty and take all of his problems out on me. For example, while I was on doctor ordered bed rest during my last pregnancy due to gestational hypertension, he accused me of "doing it for attention" "doing it on purpose and causing the problem" and "wanting to be on bed rest because I am lazy".
Every time there is a problem with our oldest child - who is going through an eating phase - he accuses me of being a bad mother and threatens that if I don't force her to eat and make her be on a schedule, HRS is going to come and take her away. He has also threatened to take away my dog (I had the dog prior to our being together) because I am "emotionally unstable" and if I refuse to argue with him and instead seek silence or solitude, I am "being immature and childish and I need therapy and he's going to call my doctor and make me an appointment to put me on medication."
The worst part is, every time he has these episodes, he comes back some time later - usually the same night or the next day - and apologizes, using some combination of these excuses: 'I didn't eat/drink/take my medication today' 'I am so stressed out' 'I am so tired' 'I had a bad day at work' 'I am so worried about our kids' 'Someone really made me angry today' and it's always the same song and dance, I feel like I could recite it.
If I refuse his apology, knowing it is just going to happen again tomorrow, he goes off the other edge of things and threatens to leave me and the kids, he starts saying how he's no good for the kids and they don't respect him anyway (at 16 months and 1 month, how the hell do they even know what respect is?!), and says things like, 'Oh, I will just never have an opinion again' 'Oh, I just won't have any feelings anymore' 'Oh, it's not ok for me to have a bad day, only for you.' But the thing is, I try to seek quiet and sort things out if I've had a bad time of it, instead of yelling at him and taking things out on him! He can't even let me do that, he will come into the room and yell at me for being quiet and continually ask me what is wrong - even if I have made it clear that I am not ready to talk about it or I don't really know what is bothering me - and he will try everything he can to push me into talking!
When I am ready to talk, he doesn't want to hear anything I say, and tells me how "It's always the same s*#t with you and I'm tired of listening to this". If I try to be respectful and let him sleep instead of talking about what is bothering me, he will purposefully stay awake and push me to talk until it's very very late and when I finally give in he doesn't want to hear and I'm "purposefully trying not to let him get any sleep because I am selfish."
I just wish I knew what to do.. I wish there was a magic button to push to stop these episodes from happening. I am afraid to leave him and go out on my own because I want to be here for my children instead of putting them in daycare, and I really want them to know their father, and I know if I leave I will leave the state for good and that will deprive them of him and his whole family. And now because I'm so overwhelmed at trying to explain all this, I sound like a nattering idiot. Sorry. Thanks for letting me get this out.
Posted on 09/15/2009 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
My husband of 31 years was never a poet romantic, but back when we were young it seemed like he was just a take charge kind of guy. And his temper was almost never directed at me. As we got older, things changed. over the years he became more and more verbally, although never physically, abusive.
In 2005 he had a stroke from which he has partially recovered. Since then the verbal abuse has worsened. he seems to be, at times, mentally unbalanced, childlike in his anger,other times he's sort of euphoric, talking and laughing, but it comes out weird, because the stroke has kind of affected his ability to pronounce words. The other day he called the internet the internet, things like that.
I know that he is ill and that stroke can cause brain damage but still that doesn't make the name calling and attempts at control any easier to take. Also, before he had the stroke, he was still like this, just to a lesser degree. leaving him is not an option. I know this is horrible but I'm sort of waiting for him to die. It will be a relief. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Posted on 09/06/2009 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
Hi everyone. I was so relieved to read posts from others about their experiences with verbal abuse. I am sitting here crying because I can't believe this is really happening. We have barely been married three years and have two kids under the age of 2, and he doesn't care about arguing in front of them. It actually seems that we get along better when the kids aren't around. I don't know what to do.
He has the only income right now. We have no family nearby. Last night i think it was the last straw-I interrupted something he was saying and he said STFU you filthy whore. when I walked away he came into the room a few minutes later and then still berated me. I didn't really consider this abuse because it had only happened less than 10 times and when we were in the midst of an argument (provoked?). But I am reading a book by Patricia Evans now that identifies this type of relationship and it's almost like she is inside of me, describing my emotions to a "t" and the reactions of my husband also. What do I do?
He won't go to a counselor and he says I'm just making something out of nothing. He tells me I'm controlling and that he's sick of it. I called him out on the name calling and he says I'm being a baby about it! At the same time, he has said he would work on it and then the same night called me a B*&^% later. I don't understand what's happening. Should I try to find a support group for victims? Any advice is appreciated. :(
Posted on 08/28/2009 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
To all of us that are living with a partner husband or spouse that abuses us, this is an awesome website to learn how to empower ourselves. I have been reading the comments on this website for the last 2 days and my heart truly goes out to everyone, I use to really love my husband. Now I have come to the point where I cant even stand to look at him, what was I ever thinking that I could change him to how he was 10 years ago, that he would be truly sorry for all the horrible situations he has brought into my life.
I'm not a counselor. I'm a mum and a wife trying to do the best I can, If I had a dollar for every time he abused me when he was drunk I would be a millionaire by now, he has said sorry more times. Then I have hot dinners, the abuse never stops each week its a different issue and depending whats going on in his life at the time. I have my first counseling appointment next week. I hope that I will find that last little bit of courage I need to leave and never look back.
My children are victims of his abuse and i am the only one that can help them and show them a happier life, the words Respect, Honor, and Love are not words these abusers know, all they know how to do is to belittle us and ABUSE us time and time again, To anyone trying to leave keep reading all the comments on this site it will only make you stronger.
Posted on 08/04/2009 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
I thought that this was supposed to be a site for discussing verbal abuse. Where does this recipe come from? Did I miss something? I appreciated the dialogue and it has stopped completely since the post prior to this. I continue to dialogue and check other sources. I am healing well from abuse and have lots to share, but the recipe posted before this doesn't seem to have any relevance to the topic, unless of course I am not cluing in to something. It wouldn't be the first time for me lol.
Editor's Note: The recipe appears to be some sort of glitch in the system, although it did sound delicious. I have removed it. Thanks.
Posted on 06/04/2009 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
When will I ever learn? My wife asked to come home after spending four days figuring out who she wants to be in late January. She asked to come home and I said that we needed to talk. She apologised and told me that neither the kids nor I were ever first in her life. She said that she was stuck and that her parents were always first. She declared that her father was an abusive ass and likely always will be. I forgave and welcomed the new person home. This new person lasted for about three weeks and the old colours began to show. Yesterday, she told me that she felt that she had been pretty supportive during our marriage. I couldn't believe it WOW. From my perspective, I had to fight to get a masters. I didn't fight for the PhD opportunity becasue it was an outright no. We had the number of children she chose to have. The minor incidents were many. I enabled and was always on edge. I paid dearly for any and all departures from home for work or committee meetings. She made my life hell and I virtually raised the kids alone. She was a very angry controllin mother and wife. This perception was from my kids too, so it wasn't just me. She was their biological parent but she was really abusive to them, mostly when I wasn't around. Now she tells me that she thinks that she has been very supportive. I am glad I have journaled the past two years or I would, once again, be doubting my perceptions. Do abused people really believe what they are saying? Does she believe that she has been supportive? Does she not remember any of the anger, raging and pouting associated with any discussion of me going any where. How do they do that? Do they actualy live in a different reality? I actually thought my wife was telling the truth when she apologised and promised that it would be different from now on. It was for about three weeks and we are moving back to wence we came. I am flabergasted. I will not tolerate what we had before and I am amazed that she forgets so quickly. Is it the medication or does she actually believe herself? I guess abusers hide when challenged and come back out when they believe it to be safe. This behaviour is very bizarre to me and I wouldn't believe it unless I experienced it in my own house. I will give some time for change, but not long. medication and couseling better start working or we are done. I remain amazed at the most recent turn of events, yet from what I have read, shouldn't be surprised.
Posted on 03/02/2009 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
It's funny that I'm going to give advice when I'm in the same situation. The advice I have is already well known:
Seek counseling or outside advice (this is usually expensive). It is usually okay to do this for a little while without your spouses knowledge but at some point you should let your spouse know. Doing anything behind a spouses back can cause mistrust.
Learn good communication skills. Problems occur when feelings are bottled up or one or both spouses feel ignored. Without proper communication skills, when trying to talk about feelings or problems, it tends to escalate into arguments.
Try not to use the word "you". Using "you" tends to be an aggressive word and makes the other person defensive. Example "You do this, You don't do that, I hate it when you...". A better way would be to remove you and say something more like "I do not like it when I am yelled at, or I do not like it when this happens". It is obvious they do the yelling so it doesn't need to be stated and by removing you, you are expressing your feelings without blame.
Let your spouse know your feelings but word it as best as you can so that it is neutral, not offensive or defensive in nature.
If you both agree there are issues, sit down and make goals on how to resolve them and stick to them. This will probably be awkward as it is new and exposes weaknesses in the marriage but if you both try, it can get better.
If you feel you can't confront your spouse verbally, then try writing a short note to jot down some easily discussed feelings, get the ball rolling on discussing problems you both have that aren't threatening to anyone. For example I feel we need to spend more time together. It doesn't blame any one but is a problem and you both should be able to work on it without getting too upset.
Remember it takes 2 and you are most likely not all that innocent either so listen to what they have to say and remember, they may not know how to communicate properly either so when they use an aggressive tone, do your best to not retaliate when this happens. Give it time. Over time and discussing problems and seeing your calm example, the other person tends to calm down and not feel the need to be as verbally aggressive.
Posted on 02/16/2009 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
I am sorry to the last poster. However, no one should interfer with you and your child. A childhood friend tried to do that with her new husband and now he has lost out on his daughter and now grand-daughter. Because she is selfish. If you wife has problems then have her deal with them. Do not stay with anyone who is on drugs and trying to control everything. If you a that nice of a guy then she will see the light and get help. If not then you are better off. Spouses are important only if they help to make a marriage a partnership not a control trap. I am so sorry for your situation.
Posted on 02/14/2009 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
I am currently verbally, physically, and mentally abused. My wife is 39 and I 43. She is the most BEAUTIFUL woman I have ever seen or been with. But, she has isolated me from my daughter,from a previous marriage, said unforgivable things about me, to me, and has drained me dry from money and emotions. I love her so, she is into drugs heavily, refuses to see she has a problem, and blames me for Everything! I work hard she needs to know EVERY move I make EVERY penny I earn kicks me out of the house every time, I don't even have a house key.
I'm not allowed to see or talk to my daughter or family, she controls ALL that I do. She is mentally unstable and is heavily into pain pills(Oxycontin, valium, lorazepam, percocets, crack) She has a 8 yr. old girl and I feel so bad that she sees and gets this all too. She was abused by her dad when she was young her dad is a pothead her mom an alcoholic I am always blamed for all. I am told by her that I am the only man who treated her so well and did so much for her. Why can't she stop and what do I do? I LOVE her so! She says she has no problem and I need mental help.
Posted on 02/14/2009 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
Hi! I've been married for 3 years, and after marriage my husband became a different person. He's been divorced twice, never did I realize that there's something wrong with him. I was single when we got married! Recently, we had a big fight, and really I was planing o leave him, I told him I can be a better person without him. I don't know why I'm still here, cause I know he can't make it without me. I want him to change. I want to tolerate all those abusive words. I don't know how.
Posted on 02/04/2009 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
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By seghersmom (Guest Post)
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I comment anyone out there who is honestly trying to change their situation. I too have experienced this abusiveness you are all talking about. I guess the one thing that is so hard to understand is how long I feel that I can change things. Isn't that what you keep saying, "this will get better'. And time after time it never changes. The funny thing is about myself, I think about all the time I spend talking to myself out loud about what was said or what I should have said. I spend more time reasoning with myself than I do when I am engaged in a verbal confrontation. I guess I have one thing that makes my situation a little bit more tolerable. My husband is an over the road truck driver and is only home for 40-48 hours a week. But as you might well know those are the hours of the week I dread the most.
Do you think that your children make it to hard for you to leave this mess? I did too. You see I have a partner that never had any children and so he has not ever experienced that maternal instinct that comes with being a parent. How do you get your partner to understand how much a child changes your whole out look on life? I understand how much it hurts when our children feel the effects of a verbally abusive spouse. I sometimes feel that makes me an abuser of some type putting them through this.
I am sure you also know how much you are worth and believe me you are worth a lot. You are a good person who knows how to love and to be loved. You know how to respect and you long to be respected. Remember one thing if nothing else you were put here on this earth for a reason and it is not to be abused. I hope all of you out there have someone to lean on and somehow find the strength to change your situation. Each and every one of you out there is a good and warm person and are entitled to have someone to treat you with the respect and love and warmth you deserve. Before I end this blog I want to leave you with my thought right now at this very moment. I think I have it bad a lot, but I just heard about the woman that just gave birth to octuplets (8) and the next piece of news right after that was a man in California that killed himself, his wife and 5 children after finding out both of them lost their jobs. Listen my friends, you do not have to look very far to find someone that has it a whole lot worse than you. You have the chance to get control of your life, although it won't be easy, you still have the chance. Day by Day. Love yourself first before you love someone else. I am still learning this too and I too need to get out soon. God Bless us all and if I could give you the strength I would. Take care.
Posted on 01/29/2009 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
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By anonymous 123 (Guest Post)
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I am still where I was. Somethings have changed. Many have not
it helps me to know I am not the only one who suffers from this.
Posted on 01/09/2009 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
(Posted via email)
Men are like that because. Ladies allow them to act that way. The men know the women aren't gonna leave. So they continue to act that way. Sad but true. I've been there also.
Dimples
Posted on 01/09/2009 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
I stayed with a verbally,mentally & emotionally physical man for 26yrs. We had 5 kids together. I didn't wanna break the family up. Said when our kids are grown & on their own, I was leaving. And I did. I left 2yrs ago. It was the best thing I've ever did. Wish I had done it 26 years ago.
Posted on 01/09/2009 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
Okay. So now I know I have been verbally abused for years. I am still there. How do I get the courage and strength to leave. I work hard every day. My wife is trying to be all nice now, but I know she is lurking in the background waiting to feel secure enough to go back to her old ways. I am waiting for the old personality to reveal itself and leave, but she is masked by drugs, so the old anger is hidden. Help me understand my right to want to get away. I am tired and I stay becasue she is nice at the current time, but I have 25 years of abuse and I flashback to her meaness frequently. What can I do to get the courage to leave. I want to leave with all my heart, but I don't want to hurt another human being. Any advice from those who have been where I am is appreciated.
Posted on 01/09/2009 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
(Submitted by email)
I too am verbally abused and am sick and tired of the dance! My stomach is in knots most of the time probably from all of the egg shells I walk on. This is not a partnership but rather a dictatorship. It's his way or the highway. He has lots of money and whenever he refers to anything we have it's always his. He belittles me every chance he gets. When I call him on it, I am then the one being a baby, and too sensitive and need to grow up. Why are there mean men like this?
Maryann
Posted on 01/04/2009 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
Hi Ya'll
I can relate to all you men who are verbally abused. I have been married to an abusive woman for nearly 26 years. She likes to deal with family issues in restaurants. I hate that. she'll see me on the other side of the grocery store, Get the awfullest scowl on her face and motion with her whole body for me to come where she is. I hate that too.
I drug her to counseling last year kicking and screaming. She went for a few months and just quit going. She thinks that she doesn't have a problem. She has this extreme dislike of any of my family members. If they call me, When I hang up the phone, she will ask with utter contempt in her voice "What do they want?!" I have asked her many times to at least show my family the same respect as i show to hers. It will never happen.
I asked her to contribute more toward paying our bills. I explained that I was on the verge of overdrawing my account. She simply says "Oh well"! I can never have a conversation with her without her raising her voice. I'm so tired of it all! our son is 21 now and I am gonna leave. She told me she was tired of all my idle threats of leaving.
After a heated argument over finances a couple of days back where she called me a dumb son of a ----- about 4 or 5 times. I actually felt like it was time. I signed a lease today and will be moving out over the next few days.
Posted on 01/02/2009 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
Hello Anthony. I can relate 100% with what you are saying. Please look back to May and see where I was. My plan to leave on July 1st did not happen. My wife is very remorseful and I have not had the courage to leave, but I am still planning to. You need to know, from my perspective only, that waiting is likely not a good idea. I attempted to leave and the controller remains in control. Her father has had a stroke and she is on medication, so there is improvement, but it is only temporary. It seems like she knows I am leaving and she is putting forth a last ditch effort. Our marriage has been a false front and that is now coming out through her counseling. She remains angry and subservient to her dad. I am unhappy and ready to leave. I missed July 1st date, but anticipate that I am within a month now. It is hard to do because I don't like to hurt people. Our daughter, who is in another state, tells me that I should have left years ago and research also indicates that staying together for the kids isn't always the best idea. In my humblest of opinions, I suggest an earlier exit and encourage you to go sooner than later. I am finding it difficult, but will succeed in the ineveitable. Good luck to both of us and best wishes to all who are experiencing similar feelings. I am fully aware that it happens to more females than males, but it happens to males too and there is a lot less support for males in this suituation.
Posted on 12/30/2008 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
So many familiar stories. My wife had a verbally abusive father. Everyone except for my wife has acknowledged what a difficult man he was. Her brothers went through quite a few rebellious years before finally straightening up their acts and settling down. My wife on the other hand thinks he was an angel and has been verbally abusive to me for eighteen years of marriage now. She is unable to except blame for anything she has done or is doing that is harming our marriage, she appreciates nothing, and seems to go out of her way to disagree with me on every level whether it's small talk or relationship issues. She has never resolved an argument or admitted blame and I've gone weeks without talking to her because as all of you well know, there is no reasoning with an abuser. She'll call me on her way to work or whenever she feels like it with minutia that just couldn't wait until she sees me, and throws a tantrum when I ask her not to call. We were separated after her father died and she wanted out because everything was my fault. I wasted two years trying to be the perfect husband and showing her how we should be treating each other. What a waste as she was just as miserable, just as critical, and had a million excuses for being rotten, which all revolved around everything I've ever done to her, real and imagined. Finally, moving out was the only way I've ever gotten her attention. I moved back in, (after 12mo.), after she expressed her desire to reconcile and attend counseling. I didn't move in immediately, but gave in earlier than I would have liked at her insistence that I needed to give her 100% and show my commitment. She was still difficult but I accepted that things would take time, my kids needed me, and counseling would help her see the light. Fast forward to almost five years after I moved out and while she no longer brings up all the old garbage, there is now new garbage and new excuses to explain her "closed spirit", and miserable disposition. She has not accepted blame for previous or present faults, says whatever she wants not caring how hurtful or damaging her words can be. Nothing is ever good enough so it's futile to even try to please her. If the ceiling fans are finally hung, the basement needs work, if the basement was painted the landscaping was looking tired, and on and on. The hardest part may well be not being able to have a reasonable, rational discussion about the state of affairs the relationship is in because she lashes out in defense of her actions with denials and verbal assaults and nonsense, "if you're so mad because I asked you to slow down your hunting then you have some serious problems" she tells me recently. For all I've learned about being an enabler and dealing with this type of person, it's impossible to always be on your guard and you frequently find yourself thinking damn why did I give in when she was only being manipulative and I can tell you it's been quite draining. I am now in the position of, (for the last time), telling her Im not putting up with her, and that I will try and live amicably with her until my youngest, (10 years old), graduates 8th grade. I don't know if this is possible but I have to try and keep up appearances for the kids. I'm pretty sure though that my wife will make life quite miserable for me and I'll have to move out. I don't hold out any hope of her changing her ways as weve been through almost five years of counseling and shes seen the best side of me she'll ever see and she hasn't seen the light. What a shame as my two girls were both devastated when I moved out before and my youngest still talks about it but there is nothing else I can do. She has become somewhat pleasant the past few weeks which is her usual response when she knows how upset I am with her but I've learned to disregard her temporary change in attitude as meaningless and is in no way an acknowledgement of her guilt or desire to change, nor a prelude to an apology. There is some solace in finding similar stories but yet it is so difficult dealing with this type of person. It is impossible to explain to anyone who has not experienced it, and unfortunately, to hear the abuser tell their side of the story, we are the bastards. I used to think how awful divorce was for the kids and that there is nothing that can't be worked out. I was wrong. The arguing that goes on is bad for the little ones to witness. Good luck to all of you. Don't sink down to the abusers level. Show the kind of control that they are unable to. Set an example and take comfort in doing the right thing when your spouse is unable to.
Posted on 12/19/2008 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
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By SUSIE IN LONDON (Guest Post)
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Thank you so much to everyone for sharing your situations and your eventual happiness. I am trying to stay strong but after 30 years of the vilest verbal abuse, I threw the monster out. I am 53 still look good but feel I could never again live with another man. I must not take him back or I will kill myself.
Posted on 11/10/2008 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
All of these stories which I have read have described the situation that I lived in. My wife is a bully and control freak. Yet like a lot of the comments she is well known in the community and heavily involved in our church. Yet behind closed doors she is a verbal monster who has no problem cutting you down to size and uses the Bible to do it, and like a lot of your commentators no one believes me. It is like living in a episode of the Twilight Zone! I finally left because I could not take it anymore! kds
Posted on 09/25/2008 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
I would like to know how the two of you communicate
Posted on 09/05/2008 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
I have just signed on to this support group. I too have endured many of the things that have been spoken about. I am currently in the the midst of an ugly situation. My husband's day is not truly made until he belittles me, or better yet makes me cry. I have to admit, I have not found the way to wall off from his ugliness. It still hurts. THe harder part is that everyone on the outside thinks he is this wonderful mild mannered guy, who's wife rarely goes out. I have just recently found that my husband is using drugs and downloading internet porn. Of little consequence, he is retired and has plenty of money, so I think he feels entitled to abuse me in this way.
Posted on 07/16/2008 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
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By Verbally/Physically Abused (Guest Post)
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It took going to a therapist to get up the courage to take action. Last straw was him choking me in front of 1 & 2 yr old boys. Dated 4 yrs & married for 13 yrs. I married for better or worse. He refused counseling or medicine. Our family now knows peace & quiet & happiness. Best thing I ever did.
Posted on 07/15/2008 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
I have been in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship for almost 17 years. I have read a lot of the posts and lots of people say that a person only treats you the way that you let them. Every time I try to stand up for myself. He laughs at me, ignores me or talks real loud over me to our kids any time I try to say something. I love him and don't even know why sometimes.
It can be o.k. for days and then he'll find something I did not do right or say right, etc. He will tell me I am stupid then turn around days later and want to know why I don't go to college to be a nurse or something.
One night, I went to bed before he did and about 20 minutes later, he came to the end of the bed and proceeded to hurl every insult and curse word known to man at me. I said, " I heard every thing you said". He walked out and slept on the couch that night and then told me he was sorry the next day. Why didn't he wait till he thought that I was awake to say all that to me?
He also constantly criticizes everything. I am not a good mother, I am lazy, I am not good in bed, I am a bad cook, I am stupid I am lazy,I am fat, i am a worthless peice of s%#$, that I could not make it without him, and the list goes on in his eyes.
Then he will play head games and tell me that he never said any of this. I told him after that night he called me all of those names that he owed me an apology and he said he did not owe me s%#@, and that he should just have to tell me all of that again soon so why bother apologizing?
I feel worthless and all that he has told me that I am. I just wish I had the courage to break free. I get so tired of this and sometimes wish he would die so I could be at peace. I just needed to get all of this off my chest.
Posted on 06/16/2008 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
I was raised by a narcissist adoptive mother. When I was a child and she was angry, she would tell me she didn't love me. While I understand NOW, that she was a narcissist, the not loving me comment remains with me. I am now 41, and she's been dead for 15 years next month.
My husband is a wonderful guy, normally. He works 2 jobs, and makes sure we have what we need, and some things we simply want. Most of the time he is mr wonderful, and very easy going and funny. I can tell him anything, and he will laugh-even if it's that he smells, or his haircut is awful. We are best friends. We have 4 great children.
When he gets angry, which is rare, thank GOD, he will not speak to me, in any way shape or form, for a week or more. He will use anything he can to hurt me and make my feelings nothing. He knows about my mother, and still doesn't understand how devastating his behavior is to me. I feel like my world is crashing down around me, and I am hurt and I cry. This past week is a perfect example. My older son, who is 9, didn't do a chore. My husband came home from work (that day we had spoken several times on the phone and he was fine, happy, etc...) when he walked into the house, he was a raving lunatic. Screaming and yelling at my son and at me. Now he is acting like I don;t exist (because he says my house is a garbage dump and I don't make the kids do their chores-not true-the kids usually do their chores, and the only part of my home that's messy and a dump is the construction materials HE leaves outside!)
I am beside myself, he will be home tomorrow, which gives me tension NOW, and wants to go to church at 9am. I don't want to sit in church and cry, and I don't want my kids to see me upset. I feel like my life is over. How can this whole situation end before I go nuts?
My daughter knows what's going on, somewhat, and is pretty upset too. During the week my 9 year old was physically ill (the day after the yelling) and my daughter was ill the next day. Just your basic stomach aches, not a real illness.
Help.
Posted on 05/24/2008 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
Okay. I had an epiphany last November when I read "Stop Walking on Egg Shells" by Mason. I searched the web frequently and finally concluded that I, a male, was a victim of long term verbal abuse. I ordered and read the books by Evans and could relate 100%. Though I found it difficult to admit, I knew from what I was reading that I had been in a verbally abusive relationship for years. I have been married for 27 years and am planning on leaving on July 1st, for my sake only. I have been beaten verbally for years. This story may seem weird becasue I was the main breadwinner, the work and community leader, brimming with confidence. Verbal abuse picks away at your esteem slowly.
My wife, the verbal abuser was raised by an extremely abusive father, so it isn't really her fault, but I need to get out for my sake. My wife demanded and did not receive respect from our children. You see, she was verbally abusive to them. I used to try to keep peace and support my domestic partner because we were a team. She berated the kids when I was at work. I wasn't aware of all of the stunts because I was at work earning our keep. My son committed suicide a few years back and I fear now that one of the contributing factors and there were many was low self esteem, which is a by product of verbal abuse. My daughter is married and living in another state. She doesn't want to see her mother at all. It is unbelievable how common the abused stories are.
My daughter and I talk about our experiences. My wife has this loving all caring type of personality when out in public, but was able to turn it around at home when no one else was watching. It would be confusing to us and unbelievable to any one who had not experienced this wrath first hand. Her scars from childhood abuse were just well hidden in public. She was abusive to me on occasion at home and more frequently to the kids when no one else was around.
The sad thing is that it was sporadic or varied so you never knew when it would come. We were always on edge. She could be loving one minute and a beast the next. I loved my children unconditionally. They did not feel loved by their mother. I found this to be very sad. It was almost like she had a dual personality. I tried so hard to keep her happy, but I could never do enough. If I made a lot of money, she spent more and needed more. If I worked in the basement, the upstairs needed to be painted. She was taught by her father to always find flaws. Well, this she was very good at.
My kids tiptoed because they never knew when she would fly off the handle. I was always careful with my words because she was always looking to cause an argument. I tried to avoid the confrontation so I blame myself for being an enabler. Abusers know what they are doing. They want power not love. They are carrying a lot of anger from youth.
As I am detaching emotionally, my wife has become the sweetest kindest person you would ever want to meet. She shows signs of not being able to control her emotions on occasion, but she seems very aware and able to control her anger most of the time. As I prepare to leave, she is becoming the kindest most caring individual with a sensitive side. I believe that she is setting the trap and ready to play the role of a great victim. I am hurting and almost emotionally dead inside. I tried so hard and so long to make this relationship work. I was never perfect and always accepted 100% responsibility for my 50% of the relationship. Even the best workers get tired after a while.
Thus, I am leaving on July 1. I am finding hard to get ready because of the time spent together, but abusers know the procedure too well. They have been working at power and control all the time. Her father is a constant companion. They talk on the phone two to three times per day. The way she tells it, she was just showing the kids how to respect her parents the way the Bible says she should. The kids take was that she would neglect us in a minute to attend to a sliver in her parents hand. She appeared to frequently choose her parents over her kids.
I was hurt personally by the actions associated with the choices. Now her dad thinks he is dying and he may well be. She attends to his every need like a good child should. She has never confronted him about the abuse. She will demonstrate loyalty and take her fathers abuse to his grave. He will not be found out. I know she will crash once he is gone. She will then be able to acknowledge the abuse from childhood. She is starting to like the healing therapy. She is in counseling right now. I am disappointed that the main offender is getting away scott free and I have been given the legacy from the abuse to live with for 27 years.
As I said, I rambled because I am venting and it hurts. The culprit is escaping without consequence and the doting husband who was and is a great father has tolerated a life of abuse and has woken up and is ready to leave. Wish me luck as I prepare.
I have seen her spin from bully to victim way too often and now I am so spent that I only have enough strength left to take care of myself. I need to leave and heal in order to live a happy life. I model happiness and live it, but it is hard to swim when you are carrying an anchor. This hard working man felt like he had to raise three children. Now the children are grown. One is dead and the oldest is married.
I want a partner and don't want to continue to raise a third child. I am truly sorry for her inner pain and was ready to listen and accept for 27 years. Now I am afraid that it is too late. I am sorry and farewell.
I will be very fair during separation and divorce as I want nothing materially. I want the memories and the fun from our kids. Take your material possessions and win. you will have your own epiphany one day and you will be able to admit your abuse, apologise to your daughter and me. Only then will you be able to look yourself in the mirror and declare that you are starting to heal.
Good luck with your journey and I wish you all the best. It isn't always the guys who abuse. There is a generation of girls who were verbally abused by their father or mother and were never allowed to grow up. If you recognise yourself in the above, male or female, get help early. I have lived an unnecessary life of extra pain as the husband of an abuser. Please get help early for yourself, your spouse and your children. We all function better when we have had the opportunity to heal from the pain. Wise too late.
Posted on 05/21/2008 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
About every 6 months I do a search regarding verbally abusive spouses. It is about every 6 months that I need to clarify for myself what I am dealing with. I have convinced myself once I mastered my reactions - and could be "blameless" for his actions, I could leave in peace. Last week, I dealt with his rants and insults and blame for four days with little reprieve. Finally I lost it, started my response with a name I am ashamed to admit. Of course, as always - that is now the issue. "He will not tolerate profanity". I have told him that devaluing and disrespecting God's gift to him is far more profane to the ears of heaven than any swear word I could muster up.
I know in my head that when I lose it with him - I become the problem. He never hears me anyway - but he does listen for my slips of the tongue so he can use it against me. After my slip last week - we did not talk for four days. He refused to talk to me until I apologized and stopped using profanity.
He is a good man. In his mind providing us with a lifestyle is his job. He takes care of a lot of the things that I probably would just do without. I was single and poor but happy. My life was about service to others. I worked for a church. Now I am married and not poor (I can't even say that I am wealthy - because everything is his. My name is not on our current home. I know because of his previous marriage which ended through no fault of his own : ), he has protected himself.) My life which was devoted to the service of others is now exclusively about service to him. If I want to be involved in church, it can not interfere with anything regarding our family time. He is so rigid with his rituals - any suggestion that we do it different is met with an insult.
My mother was sick with cancer for 2 1/2 years. At the time that she was diagnosed the prognosis was 3-6 months. After a lifetime of difficulty in relationship with her - we had become best friends as she came to help me with my children. I had a 9 month old and a 17 month old at the time. My children were the light of her life. Being the "caretaker" of my family since I was a kid - I took up the cause of taking her to doctors - being with her during her recovery from surgeries etc. Having lost my dad when I was 16 suddenly from a heart attack - I intended to make the most of the time we had left together. She was very strong and fought a lot longer than the doctors or any of us expected. This was wonderful in that we were able to create many memories for my kids and that they were actually at a cognitive level to have real memories of her for their lifetime.
However, it was very stressful and did put a strain on our household. I have heard from him how he too "is grieving from the lost years of our marriage" while she was sick. And questioned as to "how you could have done things different in that situation that would not have cost our family so much". That situation was a once in a lifetime loss of a mother! Honest question for you all, are those as insensitive and narcissistic as I think those comments are? In April I turned 40 and between that biggie birthday and it being the first without my mom, I was more depressed than I anticipated being. The fact that he barely acknowledged it just compounded it.
We recently purchased a second home which he says he bought for me. He was bent on either buying a bigger primary house, or a vacation home. He actually did let me sign my name on the house as well (aren't I lucky) but now - it is another thing he can use against me. I was being very vulnerable (foolish me) sharing about how hard the birthday weekend had been for me without my mom. I had also made him gently aware of how I felt disappointed by his apathy in celebrating me. (my 4 & 5 year old were far more aware and interested in making me feel special that day). He freaked out screaming, "it's not my fault your mother is dead, it is not my fault you turned 40. I bought you a house what more do you want."
What I want is not the house. What I want is not the extravagant lifestyle we "live off of him" for. All I want is a partner. I don't think he is capable of this. He has grown a little since we have been married (it will be ten years in December), but not enough for me to not be wounded.
I am rambling. I'm sorry. I haven't processed this for awhile. It is a heck of a story as I look at it now.
I do love him. I love him more now than when we got married. I know he has stretched himself in ways he has never been held accountable before.
I know that he loves me more than he has loved anyone before. I know that I am the best friend he has. I am the only person in his life who has ever stood up to him and said that the way he speaks to people is unacceptable. But I am just so tired. I feel like 90% of my energy goes to trying to please him or fix him or us. One day I feel strong like "I can do this - this is God's will for me to help this man, who is brilliant in many ways become all that he could be". Then I think how peaceful and simple my life would be if it were just me and my children.
Not simple as in easy - but uncomplicated by his social status obsession - his pursuit of more more more. I don't know maybe I am a fool. Maybe if I left I would find out that all of his beliefs about me are true. That I am a disorganized, inefficient, unproductive "ghetto" mouthed circumstance driven loser who is nothing without him.
Thanks for letting me vent. I would love honest feedback. I am going to check in daily - not wait six months to know if I am crazy or not. I am going to cut and paste this on some other sites to get as much feedback as possible, so don't be surprised if you see this elsewhere. It is the first time I have reached out in this way. Again thanks for taking the time to read my heart.
Posted on 05/19/2008 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
Hey sunny, I have the exact same thing - look up narcissism (my spelling might be a little wrong there).
His family know what he is like so they tend to take what he says about me with a grain of salt, unfortunately his friends don't and I have to deal with his friends on a daily basis - horrible looks, snide comments about me being a witch.
Unfortunately when he does this to me I loose my cool - I don't see why I should meekly sit back and put up with being spoken to like that so we end up in arguments where I'm yelling and he keeps saying mean things about me under his breath so his friends only hear me yelling at him.
We used to have a deaf neighbor, and that was the worst, I was used to him keeping his snide remarks to himself when people were in earshot but with this guy being completely deaf, my partner would say things behind the deaf guys back (he could lip read so my partner would go behind him so he couldn't see that anything had been said to me) I of course would react, so all this deaf friend of ours would see was me going off my nut over nothing.
Posted on 04/12/2008 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
Hi, I have been searching the web for emotionally abusive spouses and ran across this site.
Do any of you have this problem? My spouse is so charming to OTHER people. Our neighbors and friends and his family think I am horrible and he is suffering because he is with ME! He is so different behind closed doors than he is to other people that they all believe him.
Posted on 04/08/2008 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
Where are the men who are married to abusive women? I know you are out there but why so silent, there's no shame in this. You need help too, just like my son in law. Speak up and give him some advice and support.
Posted on 03/04/2008 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
I grew up in a famly with a father who always verbally abuse my mother. For the sake of your children (if you have one) please don't hesitate to call your priest/pastor for help or police authority. Don't let him do that to you. My mother's fault is that she tolerated my father's verbally abusive behavior. I am now 38 years old and my father is 65. After 12, years of not seeing them, I petitioned them to come here in the US for the purpose of protecting my aging mother. I observed that he still harshly talks to my mother. I talked to him as an adult and told him that what he is doing is VERBAL ABUSE and I told him that he better stop or I will not hesitate to call the police authority. I told him that eventhough he is 65, it is not yet too late to change his evil behavior. I told him that it's about time to turn away from his wicked ways. I also told him that I am thankful to witness his verbally abusive behavior when I was still a child, because that set my standard in choosing the man I will marry. I told him that I will not marry a man like him. I thank the Lord I married a loving, God-fearing husband who loves me and my family.
For my mother and all the woman who are being abuse by their husband, I am praying for you that the Lord willl give you a brave heart to stand and speak for your right and protection.
In the Bible husband should be like Jesus!
"Ephesians 5: 25-28
25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself."
Posted on 02/22/2008 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
I too was in a verbal abusive marriage. We had counseling, etc. It was ok for awhile. I tried standing up for myself too. It sometimes worked and sometimes it didn't. It finally excilated into violence where he slap me around then he beat me so badly that I ended up in the hospital and I nearly died. Do yourself a favor, learn all the signs. If he should raise his hand to you, get out! What happen to me can happen to you too. I never thought he would do this because he loved me. Don't believe his lies that he's sorry and that it won't happen again. Believe me, if he hit you once, he'll do it again. Good Luck
Posted on 02/06/2008 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
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By anonymous123 (Guest Post)
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It is sad there are so many of us that have to deal with this
I just wanted to update everyone. Things have been going ok the last couple of months. I have finally started to become a little more vocal and am feeling so much like my old self again.
I do feel that god has helped me immensely, since I gave it over to him. Your stories and advise has given me much to think about and I don't know how I would have gotten to where I am without out it and the help of god.
I have always known I am a good person but needed to remind myself.
Posted on 09/21/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
I am also in a verbally abusive relationship and even though my husband does not think he is abusive, he is. I have only been married to him for 2 yrs. I was separated for 1 of those years. I went back to him 4 months ago after he promised the moon, and everything is the same. I really know I am an enabler, as I grew up with an abusive alcoholic father and cannot tolerate it now. However I am also a sensitive person and don't want to hurt my husband. What do I do to save my sanity?
Posted on 09/06/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
I have been in counseling for a year. my husband is also a good man but very troubled. He had a very abusive upbringing and an absent father. he has been through 6 rehabs with me right by his side. I have been married for 11 years to him. we have 3 children and one step daughter (his Daughter). My husband is also verbally abusive. He was raised by his mother and alcoholic stepfather. His mother was abused as well.
My husband has been a good father but we are beginning to differ in parenting styles. He is so angry lately all of the time. money has gotten tight and his job ended. he has been tring to find a new career. He is so angry. He says he doesnt want me and i am stupid.
I have began talking back and stating my opinion. I have told him that i am a good wife and mother, and he should not speak to me like that infront of my children. I also told him if he speaks to me like a dog on the street it is just hurting me and the children, and its time for us to move on.
we are still in the midst of turmoil, but counseling has helped me so much. I now know all of the things he said about me, are not true, and he is the one who is difficult and miserable.
please get counseling. It will empower you and help you find clarity. no matter what the outcome is at least you can have your mental health in tack.
in christian love,
meetoo!
Posted on 08/09/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
BRAVO! We teach people how to treat us. We show them what we will accept, and what we will NOT accept. I wish you had asked him how he thought that comment made you feel.
I'm delighted that you're feeling empowered. Don't lose the momentum!!!!! xox, U*u*U
Posted on 07/14/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
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By anonymous 123 (Guest Post)
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well, I am feeling rather proud of myself right now. we had gone to visit someone and I met a couple of their friends but my spouse wasn't there at the time. they came back later to visit and he was introduced and they commented they had already met me to which he replied "I'm sorry" that hurt and ticked me off. so later I told him i didn't think that was fuuny.he said "I was only joking"I told him that not only did I not think it was funny but what he did he think those people who didn't know him thought about that comment?"
there was no answer to that question.
I am starting to feel much stronger and not as afraid at this time to voice an opinion .
I have stopped praying at night that I wish something bad would happen to him. I am actually feeling sorry for him, why you ask?should I feel sorry for him?
because he doesn't realize all the wonderful things he is missing out on by being like this and how one day he could end up a lonely and bitter old man with no one but himself to be with.
and no one but himself to blame.
Posted on 07/09/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
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By anonymous123 (Guest Post)
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this isn't about bitterness of ex wives. mr.anonymous it is about spouses male or female who are verbally abusive. in most of these cases here it is the male and in mine too but not always so don't take offensive to something that is not directed at YOU ...personally
Posted on 07/07/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
This is such a powerful topic and I wish to send a hug out to everyone who has responded and two hugs to every one who has been a victim of this. I was the victim of spousal verbal and physical abuse for 29 years. I can relate to what has been said here.
Everywhere I looked for answers, they were asking me to do something that I didnt have the courage to do. I even got the answers that if I didnt have the courage to stand up for myself, I deserved everything I got.
Nothing was fitting but I knew there must be an answer. I discovered finally that no one can hurt us unless we allow it. Physical pain yes, but everyone knows that.
I learned to let my husband own his own actions. It was his choice whether or not to be loud and offensive. My choice whether or not to be hurt over it. It took awhile and it taught me to be responsible for my own actions as well. The pain is not in the action itself but in how you feel about it.
What I learned was about taking my own power. Not power over others but power over my own experience. There is so much wisdom in that and you have to find it for yourself.
Otherwise if you just leave him, you can be pretty sure that the next man you find is likely to manifest the same actions. People treat us the way we ask to be treated. This is largely subconscious.
I agree Anon that your husband is a good man. He abuses because he is lost and hurting. And it's the only way he knows. You perhaps accept that abuse for the same reason. Discover your own inherint goodness and dignity and no one will ever be able to take that away from you.
You are all so wonderful!!
Posted on 07/06/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
I want to divorce my husband 99x out of 100 times. We live in different states because of work issues. Have been doing this for 7 yrs; ever since I relocated to Fl with my children. Every single time there is a problem with our youngest, (16 yrs old) I never even get to the point related because my husband is chastising me and pointing his finger faulting me for it all. We have been partially unhappily married for 22 years. I gave up a successful career where I earned an equal salary to my husband's so that I could relocate because he thought it was best for the children. He absolutely does not cheat on me; I probably wouldn't care if he did. He is a worker, earns an honest living and provides well for our family. He is an every other weekend parent and I think I hate him for what he has done to me over the years. I wish I could sue him for what he has done to me. What can I do. What should I do? Can anyone help me?
Posted on 07/05/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
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By Nancy in Florida (Guest Post)
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Hi, 'Nony'!
I've BTDT, and it sounds like lots of our members have also BTDT. So we know whereof we speak, sweetie.
My best advice? Start saving every extra penny you can, for your 'Getaway Fund.' Also, collect all your important paperwork (bank account #, credit card info, birth certificate, marriage license, Soc Sec card, nursing license, driver's license, address book, blank bank checks) and put them in a ziplock bag under the carpet in the trunk of your car (you do have a car, don't you?). Also collect clothes and toiletries enough for a couple of days (as if you were taking a little vacation) and have them in a secret place with your paperwork. A cell-phone is very valuable -- you can dial 911 on any cell-phone (get yourself a cheap pay-as-you-go phone to use only for emergencies.)
It is obvious you are depressed (who wouldn't be??) and very unsure of yourself -- but inside, despite your feelings of love (obligation to your husband as a wife???), you know in your heart you need to GET OUT.
Please start thinking seriously about doing this. Please, listen to what we experienced wives/women are telling you!
Take care of yourself, come back here to us for hugs. We care.
Warmly,
Nancy
Posted on 07/05/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
I am SO proud of you! I want to share with you something that happened when I was married to my ex (who was also verbally abusive). One night I didn't feel like praying for my husband because I was so angry at him, but I knew I should pray, I just poured my heart out to God and told Him I didn't want to pray and told Him how angry I was. God spoke to me and said that anger was an energy and if I would give Him that anger, He would bless me. So I gave God all my anger, and then to my surprise, I felt so much energy and so much love for my husband that I sat down and wrote him a love letter. I told him that I forgave him for everything he had ever done to me in the past, present, and even in the future. I told him I loved him unconditionally. And then I told him what a wonderful person he was. I left it on the kitchen table for him to find when he got home. When I woke up the next morning God spoke to me again and told me to tell my ex that that love letter was from Him, so I told my ex that I wanted him to read the letter again, this time imagining that it came from God. Well, it made quite an impact on him, to say the least!
I guess what I'm saying is, forgiveness is the only way to heal your hurts. If you harbor unforgiveness and bitterness, it can tear you up inside. You have done well to let the Lord take care of it for you! Hang in there -- "With the Lord nothing is impossible!"
Posted on 07/02/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
Take it from someone that lived with verbal abuse for 20+ yrs......GET OUT!!!! Tell yourself over and over.....It's not worth my time and energy any longer....then when you make your move...tell yourself....I CAN DO THIS!
GOOD LUCK TO YOU!!!
Posted on 07/02/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
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By anonymous123 (Guest Post)
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ya'all can not even imagine how much your words of encouragement mean to me and how much they have already helped me become stronger
thanks so much for being part of my family
I am not sure what my life is going to bring yet but I know that god is there for me and it has helped so much in turning this over to him.
I have asked him to please help me to forgive my husband for the things he says and does and to help me to let go of the anger and resentment I have built up inside of me.
I feel letting go of these things have already made me a stronger person
Posted on 07/02/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
I THINK YOU SHOULD REFUSE TO LISTEN TO HIM. WALK AWAY OR PLUG YOUR EARS AND HUM. i KNOW GOOD PEOPLE CAN DO BAD THINGS THAT THEY THEMSELFS DONT WANT TO DO. IF YOU CAN GET THE POINT ACROSS THAT YOU WILL NOT LISTEN TO HIM SAY MEAN THINGS TO YOU IT WILL STOP.
Posted on 07/01/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
The first thing I noticed about your posts is that you said you had no friends or family. The FIRST thing most abusers do is isolate their victim. You have broken the bonds of isolation by allowing a "thriftyDotCom" family into your life. That's a good first step.
You say he's never hit you. Smacks, even punches, heal in time. Harsh words never heal. He's never sorry...doesn't care if he hurt you or not. This isn't love.
You walk on eggshells, right? Afraid to say the wrong thing...set him off...? How do I know this? Because he's just like all the other tantrumming four year olds in adult bodies, who rule by bullying.
A marriage is a partnership, not a domination.
There may very well be 'good' in him, but to display it won't serve his purpose. He'll lose his domination over you if he allows you equality. He chooses to act the way he does, because he 'CAN'.
PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE get counseling, even if you have to hide doing so. You can't do this alone.
You are NOT trailer trash. You are a warm, intelligent woman who came from humble beginnings, raised her children, no doubt shielding them from their fathers dark side. You have been their hero. Now, it's time to be your own hero. Sue at thrifty.com has my Email addy, and if you want it, This confirms that it is OK to give it to you. I will be here for you, 24/7 while you are going through your metamorphosis.
You might end up leaving him, or, he might just smarten up, and realize the treasure he has in you, once you are strong enough to demand the respect you deserve.
PLEASE keep posting. There are a whole lot of people that care about {{{{{you}}}}}
Posted on 06/30/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
Dear Anon - I think you have a lot of strength and courage to have stayed with him through all of this. You might also try looking up ACOA - Adult Children of Alcoholics on the internet. It's like Alcoholics Anonymous, only for adult children of alcoholics. Many ACOAs learned early to just be quiet and clean up other people's messes for them. We're all concerned about your safety. I hope you find help and I hope you find what's best for you. Good luck to you.
Posted on 06/29/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
(gonna get yelled at, but..) you are allowing him to abuse you because you aren't doing anything to change it..like get counseling to empower yourself to GET OUT. A good man??? BS!! Stop "covering" for him! This is not a loving marriage!!! Have lived that life and it almost destroyed me (attempted suicide..and praise my Lord I lived!)..you are SO WORTH SO MUCH!!! As a new christian i know God's love, comfort, strength..I will pray, like i know all of us will, with His help, you will take the first step NOW..it truly is the hardest step..have a close girl friend, sister, mom? if the fear seems overwhelming and you say "i can't do this because..." get with them and ask for their help! YOU CAN DO IT!!
Posted on 06/29/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
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By anonymous 123 (Guest Post)
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sylviecyn
thanks for the info. I have contacted them via the interent.
the internet is the only place I can go that he can't monitor even if he wanted to.
normally if I go somewhere he calls to see how things are going, or when will I be home or what am i doing ?I get tired of being monitored as if I am a child.He calls to tell me something(that never seems to be able to wait until I get home) or because he is bored
I am in my middle 40's do you think I still need a babysitter? I on the other hand only call him if I need him. I figure he will get home from wherever he is when he gets home.
Lynda, I too am having a hard time forgiving him for past things he has done or said. I am trying
but so far I am unable to forgive him and i am talking about things from even way back in the beginning of our marriage.how do you forgive someone and let go of the anger and the bitterness that you have held in for so long? I have tried asking god to help me forgive him but I have a hard time letting go of all the anger and bitterness
that is inside of me
Posted on 06/28/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
First, know that you aren't alone. Second, even if your husband doesn't hit you, he's still abusing you. Verbal abuse is battering without fists. It's the way that a man controls the woman in his life on many levels, including financial, if he controls the money. There is plenty of help in every state for battered women, and make no mistake, your husband is battering you emotionally.
I suggest you seek counseling for yourself. That will help you empower yourself over your husband's bad behavior. Reaching outside of your home for help is the first step to sanity. You can change yourself, but don't expect to change your husband. It rarely happens. Try to step outside of your comfort zone and seek help from people who understand Battered Women's Syndrome. I grew up in a home with a father who was abusive on every level, physical, sexual, and verbal/emotional. Verbal abuse can be one of the worst forms of abuse to a woman and her children, regardless of their ages.
You can find help everywhere. Call your local battered women's helpline. If you can't find a local number, try this website http://www.ndvh.org/ which is the National Domestic Violence organization or call their hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). They can direct you local help, if that's what you want.
Best wishes to you and please take care of yourself...
Posted on 06/28/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
ALL I CAN SAY ABOUT THIS RESPONSE IS ....WOW, WHAT A COURAGEOUS GROUP OF LADIES. I have
dealt most of my life with this problem, but not so much from my ex-husband who abused me by his
mystique and vow of silence because of his military
status. He wouldn't even allow me to nurse him, or do too much for him outside of sex. I denied there was a problem to overcome until so many years passed and I was a WRECK. When I prayed sincerely that Jesus would come into my heart, He did. However, it was not until it was too late for my marriage that I realized I had not truly forgiven him for "other" things, and that unforgiveness grew "roots" around my heart that only God could heal and pull out. I hung onto that unforgiveness far too long and refused to even pray for myself or for my husband after a time, properly, so I lost in so many ways and almost died, had it not been for the love of God for me. Because of the many sorrows here, what He has done for me, He will do for you.
Posted on 06/28/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
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By anonymous123 (Guest Post)
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no macie my husband doesn't have an alcohol problem. he ocasiionally has a drink but he is abusive when he's sober not when he has a beer now and then' as of right now I still am working on what to do.but I know that before I can do anything I need to rebuild my self esteem and get stronger. I do believe that counseling is a key for me
right now I am only worried about myself, not him
Posted on 06/27/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
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By barfydoogin (Guest Post)
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You need to start thinking about you and not him. My parents have been married for 37 years and my father is very verbally abusive to my mom. When I was growing I remember wishing that my mom would take us and leave so that we would not have to hear or go through this anymore. To this day my father is still abusive to my mom and it drives me crazy. You may not think that it affects your kids since they are grown, but it does. My father has started being verbally abusive to mine and my brothers kids now and that I will not tolerate. You need to leave and if you ask your kids I bet they would say the same thing, I know my brother and I would do anything that we had to get my mom out if she would agree to leave my dad. Gos Bless and Good Luck
Posted on 06/27/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
For heaven's sake and yours - you need to get out of that relationship - they never ever ever change. My Mum is 84 and she has been in a verbally abusive marriage for over 60 years - 60 years of hell on earth - she is old infirmed and has a disability yet she will struggle to get up to get my father whatever he wants whilst he just lounges aroud in the armchair (I will get it usually as I am her carer so I too am caught up in it). It is too late for her she says - it may be but it is not too late for you - verbal abuse and mind control behavoirs are as bad as physical - worse maybe as it is not readliy seen by others
Posted on 06/27/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
I have a granddaughter going through this same type of situation right now.
It is impossible to make her see what is happening to her and impossible to watch what she is allowing to happen to her. It is NOT LOVE as LOVE does not act this way.
As my mom used to say 'If you act like a door mat you will be treated as a door mat' in other words if you respect yourself and demand to be treated as a person of worth it will be so!
Though verbal abusers should be feared as they tend to follow that up at sometime with physical violence.
You must take care of yourself and do what is best for YOU! If you don't take care of you no one else will either.
Posted on 06/27/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
I notice you mention in your later post that your father was an alcoholic. Does your husband also have a drinking problem? If he acts this way when he is drinking it is the alcohol talking. Until he gets help with that, it will continue.
Posted on 06/27/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
Hi,
All your stories bring tears to my eyes, I am not in an abusive relationship but my daughter was.
A real nice guy at first, then the verbal abuse, isolation from friends and family.
Luckily she didn't marry him but lived with him for 4 years. He also has her in a financial mess that will take years to get out of.
Please, Please get away from him.
Your local abuse network, your pastor, or even a friend or family member..don't give up..it will only get worse.
And you are a great person who is beautiful and worthwhile. PLEASE LEAVE....
And please let us all know how you are.....we all care about you.....
Posted on 06/27/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
i know how u feel. its scary. ive been there. scary coz u dont know what there is out there and wats to become of you. alot of the feedbacks mention God and churches. thats good IF u are a believer. if not, then u have to rely on yrself and until u have enuf courage or desperation, u will stay with him. i stayed married to a monster for 19yrs coz i was frightened of the future, financially and emotionally. i left wen he threatened to kill me. id got to the state that i wud rather be dead than be with him, so i had nothing to loose by leaving and i wasnt going to give him the pleasure of murdering me. wen u feel strong enuf, go. until then, try to switch off wenever he starts abusive talk. just look at him blankly and AGREE with wat he says. thats how i got him to stop his cruel words. he was so surprised and puzzled, that he shut up. depends if u think he may physically abuse. it may make him angry enuf to hit u. THEN THE DECISION IS MADE FOR U. GET AWAY asap.
Posted on 06/27/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
Verbally abusive means that you aren't loved.
Do you really want to stay with someone who doesn't love you?
If he were a good man, he'd tell you how he feels.
He's not good. Not for you, anyway. Probably not for anyone until he grows up and learns to shut his mouth. This may never happen.
You deserve someone better. Save your money for the time when you can get a divorce. It may take a couple of years, but that's your goal.
Posted on 06/27/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
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By anonymous123 (Guest Post)
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all of your comments have brought tears to my eyes. I feel more love here than at home.I am not sure what i am doing at this time but I do pray every night that god will help me find the answer
part of me says stay the other part go
I have taken a few dollars from our checking account to purchase a book called"the vebally abusive relationship" funny isn't is.. he will pay to help learn how to deal with him and not even know he's doing it.
I learned growing up as a child in a family with an alcholic father it is better to be seen and not heard,and as i got older I became more vocal and wouldn't let any push me around. but after being married to my husband and him being this way I am back to being the submissive person I was before.I no longer feel much of anything. I don't care one way or the other on many things because it isn't going to matter so why bother...
Posted on 06/27/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
My oldest son was 6 years old when I married for the first(andONLY) time.He was a Vietnam Vet and a real control freak.He excused his abusive ways for his bad experiences in war.I was raised by a family that took marriage vows VERY seriously,and I stayed in it for 6 LONG months.He never physically abused us,but the nasty I DON"T CARE attitude towards my son,turned me against him.I finally had enough and told him that my child was far more important than my marriage to him,and I packed us up and left.No one HAS to live with abuse--it's your choice.But if for no other reason,think about the affect this is making on your children.BREAK THE CYCLE or they will potentially repeat what they've lived through.I vowed then and there that NO MAN would ever verbally abuse my children,and I have lived up to that promise.My family is grown now but no one can say they were EVER exposed to that lifestyle.Remember---Where God guides--God provides.
Posted on 06/27/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
Verbal abuse is the same as physical abuse. Every hurtful, abusive word is like having a brick thrown at you. Good people dont use abuse to solve their problems and make themselves feel better.
Unfortunately, its only a matter of time before verbal abuse becomes physical abuse......
I would suggest you seek some help with how to deal with this through a support group, church/pastor, even your local health department.
Take Care, remember, you are worth so much more than your current situation, you deserve so much better. Only you can change that.
Posted on 06/27/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
I believe in marriage vows: HOWEVER
Verbal Abuse is the same as Physical as it breaks
a person down. Sounds like you are there, too tired
EXCUSE me how can this man or others mentioned be such a good/nice/caring man IF they verbally abuse a woman? You have no friends probably due to the fact he has isolated you and not encourged you to have any friends or space or time to yourself.
Do not make excuses he needs serious help. Also
verbal abuse reminds me of those men that hit their wife on publically unseen areas of skin. That
means they are clever and cunning and not nice at all. Does his apology take away the pain?And not even a full apology accepting responsibility!
PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOU!!! Do what you need to do sounds like you know.
Sometimes it is better to be alone than with the wrong person.
On an ad for Roman Meal (bread) my mom showed me and cut this out it says
THE ONLY TIME YOU CAN
CHANGE A MAN IS
WHEN HE IS DIAPERS!
The women in my family are strong and independent. So take care of YOU! He will continue
as he has stated he will not go seek help.
Please take time think this out and decide what YOU want out of your life.
God Bless you and you are in my prayers
Let us know how things work out.
Annie
Posted on 06/26/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
I lived with a verbally abusive and very controling man on and off for 3 1/2 yrs of marriage. He left me after 2 wks of marriage because he and some guys at work were talking about "men things" and someone jokingly told him that I would take everything he had if I ever caught him cheating. I didn't even know the person that said that and I never said that. It was all a lie. I came in from work one morning and he was gone. Just left! Needless to say, I had not the first clue what was going on.
This guy was my high school sweetheart and I couldn't have loved anyone more than him. We'd been together for 6 yrs when we married.
He was very verbally abusive and controling. I could do nothing and I do mean NOTHING to please him. I can remember being so proud of something I'd done for him and he'd come in and start his rant and I'd be in tears. I finally had enough and left him and this was one of the hardest things I ever did. Even after I left him, he'd come by my place most nights before work to see me and eat. Take the lunch I'd prepared for him, (even though it was never good enough.) I'd live for 10pm every night just hoping he'd stop by to see me. Even to this day, I still think of him at 10 pm every night and I was 20 at the time and I'm 43 yrs old now.
I still remember all the cruel things he said to me. I wanted to join the Army and be a nurse. I had even went so far as to talk to a recruiter and found out where I'd be stationed. My dear husband then told me I was too stupid to be a nurse and there was no way I could ever learn anything. Guess what? I didn't join the Army, if I had, I'd be retired as I write this and have no worries. lol But I am a nurse and it was a breeze getting my license because it was something I wanted very badly and I was told that I was not smart enough to do it.
I was with this guy for about 10 yrs total. I finally got myself together and figured out it was HIM with the problem. I was a mess trying to keep him from blowing up at me all the time when I'd done absolutley nothing to deserve it. A nervous wreck wreck.I was constantly walking on egg shells in fear I'd make him mad at me. I loved him more than I can tell you. I had no friends, he didn't want me visiting my family, wearing makeup, speaking to anyone, and I'd always pray that there was no men anywhere near me if I had to run in a store for something, he would do absolutely NOTHING for me. That included checking the oil in my car, or anything to do with my car. I learned to check my own oil and fluids and for years I put the oil in my car with a paper plate in the dipstick hole. lol I knew it had to go in there somehow and that was the only way I knew to get it in there and have it in the right place.
If I wore makeup, I was called a whore, the whole time I was putting it on and for the time I wore it. He made me feel very small and had mentally beaten me down to a point where I believed everything he'd said. I thought I could do nothing. Well........I showed him. He wanted to keep me in tears and have me believe I was nothing. Like I said, I got my own place, paid my own way and eventually weaned myself away from him. Some nights he'd show up and others he wouldn't. Never letting me know when he'd be there or not. I finally decided one night I'd just not sit there anymore. I finally signed the divorce papers after 3 1/2 yrs that he'd filed 2 wks after we married. I let him finish paying for the divorce he "thought" he wanted so badly. I knew that I'd done all I could do and it was time for me to get on with my life if I was going to ever have one. He wasn't happy about me signing his papers and cried, begged and pleaded with me to just come back to him and move away some place with him. I felt really sorry for him at this point but not sorry enough to go back and to attempt to live with him again.
By this time, I had friends, I wore my makeup just as conservatively as I always had, I came and went with no worries of having to try and explain that the person ahead of me at the store needed a price check and it took 10 minutes longer than planned, or I went to see my Mom, I had coffee with a friend. This was all good for me.
You see, at one point I'd begged him several times to just move some place and get away from this small town that we live in and start completely over with me. I loved him just that much. He refused and turned down my offer. I didn't want a divorce. When the tables were turned on him, he wanted what I'd asked for and by then it was too late.
At the very least, you are entitled to have everyone treat you with respect and kindness. If someone can't respect you and treat you with kindness, what good are they to you? They only bring you down and cause you problems. No matter how much you think you can't live without them, you CAN. I'd rather live totally alone than live in a home with one person that causes me grief continuously. It's just not worth it. It took me a long time to get my self esteem back and still to this very day, I think about that man. I still care for him and love him but.........it was not meant to be for us. I would love to sit down and talk with him about what he did and how he made me feel, just to see if he'd apologize for it.
Pack your bags and get out of there. Leave him with his misery and start living your life. Your kids are grown and gone. It's time for some quality "ME TIME!" If he won't go for counsiling, (this type usually won't.) Don't worry with him. He sounds exactly like my ex. You aren't in AL, by any chance, are you? ;o)
Posted on 06/26/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
I care about what happens to you, just from what you've posted. Not only it's wise to turn on your heel and walk out of the room when he's on you like that, but it's also wise to move out for a while. When your safety is threatened, withdraw temporarily, and that includes your inner safety. Get to a church, keep trying churches, until you can get affordable/free counseling and help, also your local women's shelter. Do not move back in until a counselor has helped you identify what conditions need to happen before you do, and not before there's been some good decompressing time. Yes, he'll be uncomfortable, but discomfort is what makes change happen. He needs to be uncomfortable enough to have that chat with the Lord, and to rebuild his inner man. Good for you for saying something to the bunch of us out here. Please write back. You are deserving of respect, because you are God's 'property'. You are not his snot rag to stomp on.
Posted on 06/26/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
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By cashman67 (Guest Post)
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I am currently divorcing a "nice" guy that was also periodically verbally abusive. We've been married almost 18 years.
I'm doing this mainly because I realized I no longer could see me though anyone's but his eyes. Even though I would fight back, tell him he was wrong and hurtful I hadn't realized how much I had come to believe these things he said to me.
Once I realized this, I gave him many many chances to change, chances he said he wanted, but the behavior is part of who they are in most cases, I've come to find out. It became a choice between accepting the reality of the situation and what that meant to my present and future emotional well being or leaving and learning to like myself again.
I obviously chose the latter and while the split was not fun, I have hope today that I can unlearned all of the lessons he "didn't mean to" teach me.
Since I can't advise you what to do, I thought I'd share my story with you in hopes that you may see something that helps.
Good luck to you.
Posted on 06/26/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
My advice would be for you to go to this website:
marriagetoday.org
This show "Jimmy and Karen Evans" comes on the Daystar network, if you have a satelite. Even if you don't there is great information at the website too. They know a lot about this problem and so much more. They are christian marriage counselors and there show is wonderful!
I hope this helps you and that you get to hear them !
All the best!
Posted on 06/26/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
It is good that you don't have the energy to "fight back". That would only add fule to the fire. Keep your lips sealed, as you picture yourself watching him from behind a one way glass, as he yells at another person, whom you can't see. Really listen & watch what he is saying with his body language.
Stay the observer, don't get caught up in the words, but watch & listen for the silent message. Is he feeling angry because he feels inadquate, cheated, guilty, trapped? IF during the rage, he demands an
answer, you may say, "What would you like me to say?" Or maybe, "After we are both calmed down, I think we need to talk."(Many choices. You just let him know that you have been paying attention to what he has been trying to tell you. And that you will not participate in the game of scream.) Stay Very Calm. Angry animals feed on any fear they sense.
Do not offer a defense to his verbal attacks. Listen for the 2nd, (hidden) message in his words. As long as there are no children present & you are not in physical danger, let the "fire" burn itself out. After it's out, make a couple notes concerning what you think his message was and refer to them when you later calmly talk about it. Perhaps in a quiet restrunt, where he knows he must maintain control of himself. NEVER ADD FUEL TO A FIRE YOU ARE TRYING TO EXTINGUISH. "IF YOU ALWAYS DO, WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS DONE, YOU WILL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU'VE ALWAYS GOTTEN." Chin UP^^
Posted on 06/26/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
May I recommend...
http://www.rejoiceministries.org/
http://howtostand.org/
And in Ephesians 5:28 it states...
"So ought men to love their wives as their own
bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself."
If he isn't loving YOU, his wife, he doesn't love himself.
Posted on 06/26/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
I'm so sorry. I've been through the same situation. My mama told me that people do to you only what you allow them to do. Get counseling, even if he doesn't want to go and I will definately pray for you sweetie.
Posted on 06/26/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
Hi!
Years ago, I arrived at the conclusion that very few people were happily married and I vowed never to get married. When I met a beautiful Oriental lady I broke my vow and spent twenty three years married to her. We were not happily married. Money and sex were both issues. One day she asked me to leave. I quickly left but later returned as a friend. My suggestion to you is simple. Your husband is acting abusive and he is hiding the reasons for his actions. Ask him to leave. The law is on your side. If that is too hard for you to do, then take yourself out the door. There are shelters for emotionally abused ladies where you could rest and think things over.
P.S. I was correct the first time. Marriage simply does not work and possibly never did work. Marriage is basically a social and legal protection for women and children. The sad fact is, however, that unhappy marriages make unhappy children. It is better to live unmarried to a person for several years before having a child. You can also have a baby out of wedlock if you want one badly enough. Test the waters for hidden rocks before plunging deep and remember that the divorce rate today is over fifty percent. That should tell you something!
Posted on 06/26/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
Remove yourself from his presence. Don't say anything. Just leave. If you can leave in the car for a while, do it. If not, go to another part of the house or go outside. Just don't stay where you can hear it. Even a dog will get the message after a while.
Posted on 06/26/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
I just read all of your postings I agree with all of them, each one an inspirational person. Stay strong and you will make the right choice in Loving Spirit -Our family.
Posted on 06/26/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
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By Linda in Alabama (Guest Post)
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Dear Anon, My heart goes out to you. I was in the exact same situation as you 15 years ago. I was married to my ex-husband for 17 years, and loved him so much, and still loved him until he passed away 3 years ago. Yes, I loved him like I've never loved anyone, BUT I could not live with him. He was mentally abusive but as time went on, he got physically abusive. I thought I was in a hopeless situation, because he would get violent whenever I would bring up our problems, but by the grace of God, I did some things that slowly got me out of the situation I was in. First, I surrounded myself with Christian friends and prayed and prayed and prayed! I also went to see a counselor by myself, because my husband wouldn't go with me. I didn't have to pay because I went to the VA center (my husband was a disabled veteran), and I got excellent counseling. I couldn't have done it without my counselor. He never once suggested that I leave my husband, but he made me realize that I was a stronger person than I thought I was, and he got me to where I could make intelligent decisions. My husband had mentally beaten me down so, that I didn't think I could do anything without him. Actually, it was the other way around -- in the end, he fell apart when I left him, but by then it was too late. We had 2 pre-teen children and I felt it necessary to get out when I did. Anyway, we separated for about 6 months, and then I filed for divorce when he didn't help me pay any of the bills. I guess what I'm trying to say is, it might seem hopeless, but if you will trust God, He will give you the strength to do what you need to do. It actually took me 2 years to leave him, but God's hand was in it all the way, little by little.
2 years after my divorce I met a wonderful Christian man with 2 children of his own, and we have now been married for 12 years. I look back at the way things used to be, and I thank God that He delivered me from the turmoil that I was in. Hang in there. I'm praying for you!
Posted on 06/26/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
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By tupelo granmom. (Guest Post)
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Honey get the he__ out now! This man is going to go from verbal abuse to physical in a blink of an eye. Don't just sit there and wait for it to happen, cause believe me it will.
Posted on 06/26/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
You say he is really a good guy inside. I can identify. My husband is like that. He grew up in a family that was so dysfunctional he won't even talk about them. Our first year he was wonderful. His kids kept saying, "Boy, Daddy sure has cleaned up his language since he married you." But several things have happened. We have been through some tough things like really low income, stressed kids, and major illness. For 15 years I have been totally exhausted because of cardiomyopathy, so he has taken over much of the housekeeping as well as his long hours of work. He would be most abusive in public, and my friends would ask if he had ever hit me. Another thing that changed was, I learned to say, "I didn't deserve that comment." To my great surprise, he started agreeing with me. In our second year of marriage, he received Christ as his personal savior, and the children soon followed. I can't say it's all been perfect, but there are times when he is so loving that I see deep into his soul. We never had counseling. The kids are grown up and happy adults. It has been 26 years this coming October, and I am so glad I stuck with it. I have gone from being hypersensitive to quite tough, and I have come to know his ways so that I know when to tell him to knock it off. I have learned not to respond in anger. Our lives have both been richer for the learning. I don't know if this is your situation, but if it is, try it out. All I know is we are greatly blessed (even if I can't take him out in public) ;-)
Posted on 06/26/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
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By anonymous 123 (Guest Post)
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I want to thank all of you who have given words of encouragement to me. I read these posts and I cry. there is more love from people I don't know that what I feel at home. I don't know what I am going to do at this time but you have given me a lot to think about.And yes I do pray every night for god to give me the strength to do what it right.I truly don't know in my heart the right decision.1/2 says go ,the other1/2 stay.
I look forward to talking with all of you and reading your advise.
p.s on a more humerous note...in our check book I wrote an entry for $20 showing it going to our local grocery store, instead I used the money to buy a book off of bay called "dealing with a verbually abusive relationship" and he doesn't know he is paying for a book that I hope will make me stonger and better to stand up against him
1 for me :)
Posted on 06/26/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
i to had a verbal and physical relation ship. it took 2 years of counseling and trying to be there emotionaly was hard but there is a reason for his moments of abuse.. my husband did learn how to control his self.. i think if love is strong enough anyone can make it work.. i left for those 2 years, i have been home 18 years this year. there is hope in all we do god is always with us... best of everything for you remember youare gods child and he loves us all. don,t let anyone put you down, always a friend in jesus
Posted on 06/26/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
Anony, it breaks my heart that you have loved this man and devoted 20 years of your life to him, and he believes it's okay to call you trash. I wish we could have a sit-down at my kitchen table!
Please go directly to the nearest mirror, look in there and tell that woman, YOU ARE VALUABLE. YOU ARE RESPECTABLE. YOU ARE CAPABLE. YOU ARE LOVABLE. Notice how each of those words end in ABLE?
There are a handful of circumstances that justify divorce, and abuse tops the list.
Love is not a feeling...love is a CHOICE. You have chosen to love him, in spite of the devastating, hurtful remarks he continues to make. There is a limit to the amount of pain a woman can endure, and it seems to me you have reached your limit.
I notice that you said you have no friends or family to turn to, but I am confident that the minute you step out in faith, God is going to put all of the loving people that you need right in your path. He also promised, I WILL SUPPLY YOUR EVERY NEED, so He will provide all of the resources that you are going to need for all of your life. I don't know you, but I want so much more for you. We are all children of God, each created with a unique purpose, and you deserve so much more than this. It's scary, I know; change can be terrifying, but I would hate to see fear hold you hostage.
I hope you will turn this over to the Lord (if you haven't already) and just say, "God, I can't take this anymore, but I know that YOU can, so I am putting this in your capable hands." Remember what He said? I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU OR FORSAKE YOU. When you finally step back and let God take over, GET READY, because it's going to be INCREDIBLE!
Loving you, cheering for you, praying for you here in Missouri
Posted on 06/26/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
I just read your most recent post with a little more back story and it sounds like your husband is holding in things from your past and dragging them up when he gets upset. If I were in your situation, I might ask him why he has been with you for 20 years if you are such "Trailer Trash" and have "screwed him over". Attacking you and your worth is really a reflection on himself. It is really too bad that he wouldn't consider any counseling because he obviously needs to deal with his own past and let go of whatever regrets he has.
It is true that you can't ever change someone else but you need to point out how much this is hurting you. If he refuses to listen, then you need to be prepared to take the harder step of a separation or more. I would also encourage you to get a "real" job which will provide you with a life that is separate from his, some of the time at least. If you have been home with the kids for their growing years, you might take this opportunity to take some courses at a local college or even a community center. Find a hobby, which might lead to new friends, which will lead to more confidence . . .
Sift through all the advice you get from all your friends at ThriftyFun and pick what is best for you. Good luck, we are all thinking of you!
Jess
Posted on 06/26/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
It is a difficult situation. The fact that you are asking, means it bothers you and you really want some help. No one should have to put up with verbal abuse, it is damaging to your self esteem and damaging to your marriage. You say that your husband will not even consider counseling (I'm assuming you've asked) means that he doesn't see it as a problem. Is it possible for you to get counseling for yourself? It may help you make decisions about your relationship and ways that can help you cope. You can check with community centers for sliding scale counseling sessions. Also a pastor or priest may be able to help and at least give you somewhere to vent.
The important thing is to continue thinking the opposite of what he is telling you when he is being abusive. If he tells you you are stupid, say to yourself, I am intelligent. If he tells you that you can't do anything right, say to yourself, I am competent. It really makes a difference to do this, it changes your posture and helps to undo the damage of his words.
Another thing you can do is calmly tell him, when he is being nice, how much it hurts you when he talks to you that way. He probably feels bad about it once he is done with his tirades but for your peace of mind, this needs to stop.
I'm sure you love him or you wouldn't still be in the relationship. It's a serious thing to end a relationship. You could consider a trial separation until he was willing to go to counseling. Sometimes men need a wake up call.
Take good care of yourself and let us know what you decide to do.
Susan from ThriftyFun
Posted on 06/26/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
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By Anonymous123 (Guest Post)
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thank you all for the support. I posted to this site because I have no friends or family to turn to.I need all the support and advise I get. for years I believed he would change and then one day i knew he wouldn't but i still see the good person inside that I know he can be.and that has kept me with him for the 20 years we have been married.I have 3 kids(all grown)
yesterday he threw a tantrum because the place I am employed at is closing and the owner decided to stay open an additional 2 weeks than he had planned. which means if I want to get unemployment i have to stay till the store actually closes.and we just sold our house and are trying to move. so this upset him.like I had anything to do with it.he never wanted me to keep this job anyway, to him it's not a "real " job. ( I have no benefits) but I like this job and that's why I have stayed.So now I am "trailer park trash"and always will be. (I used to live in a trailer park when he met me) and that the kids and I have continually "screwed" him over.
later that night he said he was sorry for getting upset. but never apologized for what he said. because he doesn't think he did anything wrong.
how do you get up the strength and courage to stand up to someone after being told or led to believe that you aren't important?
Posted on 06/26/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
Life is too short to suffer through that kind of thing. I fully believe in the sanctity of marriage, but when people go bad and refuse to change to benefit the relationship with the person whom they sworn to love more than anything in the entire world, then it's time to bow out gracefully. It isn't your fault. My best friend did everything (I mean EVERYTHING) she could posibly have done to make her husband happy, but it was never enough. Thankfully, she left him, and hasn't looked back. Regardless of how long you have been married, the relief of being free from an abusive relationship will always be the more fufilling choice. You have your whole life ahead of you, and the options are endless. Do what your heart tells you to. And remember that friends and family are ALWAYS there to help you through these kinds of tough times. Good luck, and hang in there. Things will get better.
Posted on 06/25/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
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By czechlady (Guest Post)
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I also was involved in a verbally abusive relationship. Only being married to this man for 4 yrs , ( were both elderly) he changed after the first yr and half. I told him I was leaving, he begged me to stay and that he would change, he did change for awhile, then back to same old stuff. The clincher was one day he stood in the door way of room where I was ( no way to exit) . He had a gun to his head, then he moved it to his throat. I talked him into putting the gun away, he left the doorway and went into our outdoor camper. Meantime I went to the pastors house across the street, we called the sheriff and they came, got him to surrender the gun( finding 4 other guns in his possesion) and took him to a mental ward of the nearest hospital. I was very fortunate to have many church friends who came to my rescue who supplied $ and help to load all my belongings into a U-Haul and leave. He was released to his brother , long enough for me to leave the area. He filed divorce papers on me, claiming it was all my fault. I had tried to get him to a counselor, but luck. Well I am now safe, back in the area where my children live. Thankful that he and I are still alive.
Posted on 06/25/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
If he isn't willing to admit there is a problem then you have two choices.
Chose to die in the abuse
Or Chose to LIVE. Do you have children? If you do, then you have MORAL obligation to get out. If you don't then it's your choice whether or not you get out. But abusers are abusers, whether they abuse alcohol, drugs, women, animals or whatever, they WILL and CAN NOT get help until THEY are ready.
Hey, you can love many things, but you don't have to like or put up with them! I LOVE Oreo's, LOVE LOVE LOVE THEM!!! But I can't eat them (I've had gastric bypass and that is the main reason) because I will not stop eating them, so I don't eat them. I used to LOVE a man that abused me, verbally and one time physically (while 7 months pregnant) but I decided that I love my unborn baby and MYSELF more than him. See, I live with MYSELF, all the time, there is no escaping ME, so my choices for my life will always be right here, in front of me. But the choices that I make externally are NOT in front of me (if I chose to make them that way).
Life is about choice, choice to do with what we are dealt, HOW we deal is what shows our true character. If you believe that YOU are the most important (children aside, if they are any) person in your life, than YOU need to leave and NEVER look back. Most marital vows are bases on the Bible, and no where do I see that is says "in verbal abuse or worse"...
P.S. If you are a believer, than I would talk with a local pastor (if you don't have one) they have tremendous resources for situations like yours.
Posted on 06/25/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
I also have a mentally abusive and just a stern talking husband. I talked to some of my strong christian friends. My closest friend said try to "talk to him the way you would want him to talk to you" and pray and give it to the lord with all your heart. It is hard to get this started but for the most part "people become their surroundings". You can go to counseling w/o him. Sometimes churches will provide free counseling.
Maybe god sent you to him to share his love.
i'll pray for you :)
Posted on 06/25/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
Get yourself into counseling. You may not be able to change him, but you can change you. Good luck.
Posted on 06/25/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
RE: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse
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By Michelle, From Ohio (Guest Post)
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My Sister just got out of one I mean like this weekend. Her husband was a good guy in the beginning a year after they was married he turned to a monster. She talked to him about the controlling and about the emotional abuse (not letting her see the family and not letting her have a car and so so). Then there were several heartfelt letters on both ends. The man did change for a week and then went back to the same old mean person he was.
I gave her a number to call at it is Legal Aide for all the united states it is 1-888-534-1432 (it is help for those who cannot afford a lawyer, they go by income). Depending on how abusive and if there are children involved the best choice is to stay with a relative first. Especially if is it going to them as well. Has there been marriage counseling about this situation? Maybe he needs help mentally and also if he grew up in that kind of home. There are so many things to do. Also call the County Shelter (the county you live in) you can find there number in the phone book in the govt. offices or call the police dept. and they can give it to you. A lot of the times in these cases you need proof that it is going on.
Everyone Deserves a second chance especially if they are trying to change. If there no change after talking over and over again there may never be any change. I am not anyone who has a degree in this stuff but I have lived through it as a young child and then with my sister. I wish you well. If you know the things that are setting your spouse off - don't walk on egg shells but tweek a change in style. I will stay posted if you need any more help or advice. I go to this website everyday-if you need to get a hold of me leave another post with the same anonymous123. Bless you and your spouse.
Posted on 06/25/2007 | Report Spam or Abuse
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