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Dealing With a Verbally Abusive Spouse

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Verbally Abusive Spouse

Verbal abuse can be very damaging in a relationship. This is a guide about dealing with a verbally abusive spouse.


Here are questions related to Dealing With a Verbally Abusive Spouse.

Question: Dealing With Verbal and Emotional Abuse

Yesterday my husband and I got into an argument because my son left the lights on in his room. When I defended my son he then said that "my marriage was in danger". He always threatens me with divorce and end of the marriage. This has been going on for about 8 years now and slowly I don't care anymore.

I get a knot in my stomach when I come from a friend's house and have to go home. My son feels the same way. We feel as if we have to walk on egg shells. As I said, I don't care anymore, financially I am dependent on him. What do you think my action should be?

By Corrie V.


Best Answers

By Louise B. [5]02/24/2014

No one should have to live "as if they are walking on eggshells". Leaving isn't easy, but it can be done. Find out about shelters in your area; perhaps you have family that would help out financially. Taking your son out of this toxic environment is the best thing you could for him; and he is old enough to be a moral support for you.Start making plans to leave. You will be surprised how empowering it is to take action.

Best Answers

By redhatterb [1]02/23/2014

Whenever I hear a young woman now talk about getting into any type of relationship I urge them to make sure they have their own checking account or a fair sum of cash put away, in case they have to leave. Start at the beginning of the relationship or even before, even if it means putting a couple dollars away out of the grocery money each week. By now you would have a fair amount stashed away.

I know a young woman who, when she was about 30 was my employer, and she had an infant, one day when work was slow we got to talking about things like that. She said she had her own credit card, checking account, and a fair amount of cash hidden away with her parents. There wasn't one thing her husband, an attorney, could get his hands on other than his private checking account, credit card, and the household account. You don't have to be well to do, in order to put a little away here and there.

However, you don't have to be financially independent to leave. You can always take your son and go to a domestic abuse shelter. They help women get on their feet, with job training, finding a job, etc. Also you don't need to take a lot of personal belongings(clothing, etc. with you) because they have donated things that the clients can have.

When you are in one of these shelters your husband is supposed to be able to get hold of you. That being said, you also shouldn't call him and ask him to come and get you. It is entirely possible that once he sees you are brave enough to leave and not depending on you, that he will straighten out.

Question: Verbally Abusive Husband

I have been married for one year and I have a son, not by him. I have moved into my husband's house with his son and daughter. It started three weeks after we got married. He just starts yelling at me if he does not like what I ask him. He has gotten in my face and chased me into the bathroom and raised his hand to me, but did not hit me.

Whatever the kids do, I am wrong and they are right. His son who is 21, wrote me a note and called me a dumb ass in the note. His son told his dad to divorce me. His son and my son had a fight with words and ever since then his son won't have anything to do with my son or me. I don't know what to do? I do not want to be treated like this, when he is nice he is really nice, but when he is mean I can not take it.

By Ann


Best Answer

By Myrna [14]01/09/2012

Avoid further attachment to this complicated Dr. Jekyl and Dr. Hyde syndrome this man has formed. Get out quickly and don't let on you're leaving. Verbal abuse can lead into hitting on you and your son too especially if he tries to defend you. You can raise your son on your own without his help and being subjected to this type of abuse long term is damaging. He's good at what he's doing and is playing on your emotions and his son is doing the same with you and your son.

It's a copycat syndrome; both of you leave. As far as feeling sorry for that man's son, he does need help from his father's damaging behavior toward his wife. Let the law take care of that, but don't you stay in this mess. It's only going to tear you down and you won't be much use for you or your son who needs an outlet if you remain involved.

Question: Husband is Verbally Abusive

I have been married for 25 years. Three months into our marriage my husband accused me of cheating on him, that never happened. Then he would say little things while we were out at footballs games, the mall, etc. like "Are you looking for your boyfriend?" On the night of my mother's wake I was asked if I was "doing" a co worker. He would call me crazy and stupid, several times a week. During the last three years he has mellowed out, but, I will mention I confronted him about texting another woman. Is this abuse, to be honest I really don't know, my counselor says it is.

By not for sure

Best Answer

By Abigail A. [8]12/12/2014

This is called verbal abuse. Your therapist is right.

"Verbal abuse is the consistent demeaning of another. It may in fact take the form of angry outbursts. On the other hand it may take the form of cold, calculating, consistent put-downs. It may even take the form of disparaging humor.

The key to verbal abuse is the word demeaning. And the abuser may be a man or a woman."

Question: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse

I'm a 27 year old, stay at home mom. I have three young girls that I love very much. I spend all day, everyday cleaning and taking care of my kids, but I also have a husband that can act like a child himself.

He has a good paying job and with it he also has control issues. My husband is not the sensitive type, he does not like it when I express my opinion, if he does not agree. If I am upset about something it usually starts a fight where I get called some pretty horrible things.

I'm not a bad person. I have tried for a very long time to make this work and keep my mouth closed, but it's so hard to not stand up for myself. Yet when I do he turns my phone off. He once even broke my finger trying to get keys out of my hand. I know I should leave, but that's just not a option right now with having nowhere to go. I don't want to be anyone's burden.

By Melissa from Phoenix, AZ

Most Recent Answer

By Dee Terry [3]03/03/2012

First, let me say I am concerned, not just for you; but for your daughters as well. I'm not just a survivor of this type of situation, I am now thriving as is my daughter.

Second, if you choose to do research online on a home computer. Please, each night do a clearing of history, if he has any computer smarts, he can find that history. While you are living with him, it's important for you to be as safe as possible.

Third, you say you have no where to go. I thought that too. Take that leap of faith, know there are people and agencies in your local which can help. The prior posts have given you some resources.

Fourth, if you can't leave for yourself, do for your daughters. No matter what they say now, this can and will affect how they live their lives, it may also affect the type of men they eventually link up with. So you have 3 reasons to leave, your safety, your children's safety and future, and your own self worth. You are down right now, since you say you can't leave, just know it's possible and you can get through possibilities to certainties.

Fifth, get all your important documents (birth certificates, marriage license, school records etc) together in an outside hiding place. If need be, make copies and leave them in place of the originals so he doesn't suspect. Do plastic bags, backpacks or anything else (which you can store with out getting wet) also if possible grab a change of clothes and medications, medical histories or other important papers, for you and each daughter; make sure the hiding place is somewhere that you can get to easily.

It's never easy to make that first step when you are where you are. You've made a big one posting this on here. Now begin to take steps to make you safe as well as your daughters. Show your daughters how strong their mother really is. You can do it. You can survive to thrive. Most importantly, as others have said, leave as soon as possible. The danger is extreme from what you've posted. Do not let your daughters know what you are doing until the time you leave. Again, you can do this.

Question: Ending an Abusive Relationship

I have been in a relationship for 11 years. It just ended. He was not always very nice to me. He slapped me and tried to choke me once and he went to jail. When he came back he didn't touch me with his hands again. He was very verbally abusive. Telling me I was lazy. I'm a very horrible person. Then why did he love me? He said he did.

He couldn't keep a job because of drinking. I supported him most of the time. He finally got sober, got a great job, and was nice to me again. Recently he started drinking again. The verbal abuse back big time. He was awful. I told him he doesn't get to treat me that way. He has money now so he up and left. My question is what is wrong with me that makes me miss him and think I still love him? I am not a bad person.

By Jill

Most Recent Answer

By Ace [3]07/24/2013

Sarcastic, unsupportive & harmful disrespectful words have hurt you. You deserve a much better relationship. Make a personal vow to yourself that you will make a better different life for yourself. You need the love & grace of Jesus to help with your negative effects from this ending relationship. You are fragile and breakable. It's good that he has left. You need to deal with your own hopeful future. God hears, God understands and is not stingy with hope. God's love can provides a safe place for your pain. Don't let another person steal your joy and hope. God heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds (Psalm 147:3). Do not cling to a hope of a bad relationship that will get you knocked down. You are of far greater importance that deserves a kinder future. Jesus is your answer. Seek Him now.

Question: Dealing With a Verbally Abusive Husband

I am in this position right now that is horrible and very sad. I am 26 years old with one two year old and am a stay home mom, as well. My husband is a nice guy, but when we disagree on a topic, it is just not a pretty picture. It is also a problem even that I have questions to ask. It can never be about anything that I have a doubt about or, "hey what time you did you leave work?", because he gets mad. Then the insults start right away. He expects me to either answer my own questions and keep my mouth shut or as soon as he says the answer to just leave it alone there and that's it.

I have literally broken in pieces and cried my lungs out so many times because I don't know how to deal with his insults. All I get from him is, "You cry because you want to; you're like this because you made this argument; you see the things you do; you can never keep your mouth shut; or you always have to be bitching about everything." This makes me feel even worse.

How would I make myself feel this way? If he could only argue without insults. If he could only tell me things without getting mad right away. This has totally confused me. I don't understand how he can say he loves me, but still talk to me like that and call me all kinds of names.

I am sure I can't stay here. I know this is not healthy and even worse for my baby that hears everything. I just don't find the guts to leave. I feel that leaving would be the only way for him to be happy and not have a bitch like he says living with him since everything is my fault. I sometimes do think is my fault, but I should know better not to feel or think this way, but is too hard.

I just wish I had learned a way to control, to block all the bad he has to say and eventually he will learn to not talk to me that way. We have recently started seeing a therapist, but it's really hard to explain our full arguments in just one hour. I feel as if he is not even working at a solution. He doesn't seem to care to try what she said. Even though he had promised to stop talking to me that way he hasn't at all and it happens every time. What should I do about this ? I know I love this guy so much, but it hurts to be here.

By Jess

Most Recent Answer

By mngr4cns12/25/2013

I feel your pain I'm in the same boat. but I'm 41 he is 28. I work to hold down everything.
he does nothing no job claims he can't find one. but keeps my 5 year old daughter. He calls me names, had choked me unconscious several times. The physical has pretty much stopped, but the verbally abuse is harsh. I just don't see why I stay. I'm very attractive, hardworking, yet I keep allowing this. It's so hard to leave. I say it's because I love him. I had so much going for me before. now I've lost so much. I don't know why I stay. Some people say they stay for money. sex. etc. It's different, not any of that. So I do feel your pain every moment. I only can pray that God one day will give me the strength to get out. I will pray for both of us.

Question: Leaving an Abusive Spouse

I am 31 with 5 kids. The oldest is 14 and the youngest is 4. I have been with my husband for 17 years and married for 3. When my oldest son was little my husband used to hit me and call me a lot of names and I left and went to a domestic violence shelter, but because of his mom we got back. He has not hit me since, but he says he is going to. He also calls me really bad names to the kids.

He has not worked in almost 8 years. I work at a restaurant 38 to 45 hours per week to support everyone. He tells the kids we are getting a divorce and that I don't want to spend time with them and that's why I work so much. When I question him about it he says the kids are lying. He makes fun of the way our 13 year old daughter eats and tells my oldest son he will "hurt him bad" if he is too rough with our 4 year old.

He isn't my oldest son's biological dad, but has raised him. Now that my son is a teenager he wants to meet his real dad and my husband tells him if that's how he feels don't ask him for nothing and he refuses to do anything with him. My husband thinks I should pay him for babysitting our kids while I'm at work.

All my family lives in other states except for my mom who is staying with me right now, until he gets mad at her and kicks her out. I should include that before we got married I left with the kids and moved to Arkansas and he followed. His mom keeps telling me I can never leave him again cause if I do he will kill himself and he tells the kids he doesn't care if he dies.

I don't love him and want a divorce, but he keeps saying he knows more people than I do and if he can't have the kids he will make sure I don't have them either. I know I should leave, but don't know how to go about it. We live in low income housing and I can barely make the rent and other bills because he makes syure that all my checks are gone the day I get it.

    By tanyad [2]

    Most Recent Answer

    By Louise B. [5]05/04/2015

    I don't want to totally terrify you, but I do want to emphasize that you must leave, or get your husband removed from the house as soon as possible. I don't exactly know the best way to go about this, but I would start with a woman's shelter. Since you are the one who is working, you might also start with a lawyer &/or the police. You know this is what you should do. Just do it. It will not be easy,but it will be the best thing you do. In my small hometown, we have just had an abusive common law husband kill his wife, her three children by her first husband, and then he took their 6th month old baby to his parent's home, and shortly thereafter, killed himself. Before he took his own life, he took photos of the mom and the three little kids and sent those photos to the biological dad. Over and over on Facebook, this poor young man has posted messages to women and kids to leave abusive homes. It is the only way he is able to cope with the death of his 3 small children. Please, for the sake of this man, and his murdered ex-wife and children, leave this abusive man before anything more terrible happens to you or your children.