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Dealing With a Verbally Abusive Spouse

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Verbally Abusive Spouse

Verbal abuse can be very damaging in a relationship. This is a guide about dealing with a verbally abusive spouse.

Questions

Here are questions related to Dealing With a Verbally Abusive Spouse.

Question: Ending an Abusive Relationship

I have been in a relationship for 11 years. It just ended. He was not always very nice to me. He slapped me and tried to choke me once and he went to jail. When he came back he didn't touch me with his hands again. He was very verbally abusive. Telling me I was lazy. I'm a very horrible person. Then why did he love me? He said he did.

He couldn't keep a job because of drinking. I supported him most of the time. He finally got sober, got a great job, and was nice to me again. Recently he started drinking again. The verbal abuse back big time. He was awful. I told him he doesn't get to treat me that way. He has money now so he up and left. My question is what is wrong with me that makes me miss him and think I still love him? I am not a bad person.

By Jill


Most Recent Answer

By Ace [3]07/24/2013

Sarcastic, unsupportive & harmful disrespectful words have hurt you. You deserve a much better relationship. Make a personal vow to yourself that you will make a better different life for yourself. You need the love & grace of Jesus to help with your negative effects from this ending relationship. You are fragile and breakable. It's good that he has left. You need to deal with your own hopeful future. God hears, God understands and is not stingy with hope. God's love can provides a safe place for your pain. Don't let another person steal your joy and hope. God heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds (Psalm 147:3). Do not cling to a hope of a bad relationship that will get you knocked down. You are of far greater importance that deserves a kinder future. Jesus is your answer. Seek Him now.

Question: Dealing with a Verbally Abusive Spouse

I'm a 27 year old, stay at home mom. I have three young girls that I love very much. I spend all day, everyday cleaning and taking care of my kids, but I also have a husband that can act like a child himself.

He has a good paying job and with it he also has control issues. My husband is not the sensitive type, he does not like it when I express my opinion, if he does not agree. If I am upset about something it usually starts a fight where I get called some pretty horrible things.

I'm not a bad person. I have tried for a very long time to make this work and keep my mouth closed, but it's so hard to not stand up for myself. Yet when I do he turns my phone off. He once even broke my finger trying to get keys out of my hand. I know I should leave, but that's just not a option right now with having nowhere to go. I don't want to be anyone's burden.

By Melissa from Phoenix, AZ


Most Recent Answer

By Dee Terry [3]03/03/2012

First, let me say I am concerned, not just for you; but for your daughters as well. I'm not just a survivor of this type of situation, I am now thriving as is my daughter.

Second, if you choose to do research online on a home computer. Please, each night do a clearing of history, if he has any computer smarts, he can find that history. While you are living with him, it's important for you to be as safe as possible.

Third, you say you have no where to go. I thought that too. Take that leap of faith, know there are people and agencies in your local which can help. The prior posts have given you some resources.

Fourth, if you can't leave for yourself, do for your daughters. No matter what they say now, this can and will affect how they live their lives, it may also affect the type of men they eventually link up with. So you have 3 reasons to leave, your safety, your children's safety and future, and your own self worth. You are down right now, since you say you can't leave, just know it's possible and you can get through possibilities to certainties.

Fifth, get all your important documents (birth certificates, marriage license, school records etc) together in an outside hiding place. If need be, make copies and leave them in place of the originals so he doesn't suspect. Do plastic bags, backpacks or anything else (which you can store with out getting wet) also if possible grab a change of clothes and medications, medical histories or other important papers, for you and each daughter; make sure the hiding place is somewhere that you can get to easily.

It's never easy to make that first step when you are where you are. You've made a big one posting this on here. Now begin to take steps to make you safe as well as your daughters. Show your daughters how strong their mother really is. You can do it. You can survive to thrive. Most importantly, as others have said, leave as soon as possible. The danger is extreme from what you've posted. Do not let your daughters know what you are doing until the time you leave. Again, you can do this.

Question: Dealing With and Abusive Spouse

I have been with my husband for 16 years. During this time he has been verbally abusive to me and my daughter. He has also hit me several times, including today. We have custody of my daughter's oldest son and I am afraid he will grow up to be like him because he hears the things he has said to me.

I receive SSD so I don't have a lot of money coming in and since we did not adopt my grandson even though as far as he is concerned we are mom and dad I am not able to collect anything in my disability for him. I just don't know how I can get away from him before it is too late for me and my little one.

My husband has told me that he will hunt me down and kill me if necessary to get his "son" back. They have no blood ties. My daughter does not like him and I fear if I leave him he will go after her to get to me. She has said for me not to worry that she can take care of herself, but she has two small children at home and her husband works during the day.

I just wish there was a way to get out I have even considered moving overseas so he can't follow me, but, of course this would take a considerable amount of money which I do not have.

What can I do?

By SA


Most Recent Answer

By jocelynlaursen2812/02/2013

I have been through this, not a husband and no kids, thankfully, but I had to get away. It never got it better like he promised. There are hotlines and people out there who are willing to help. Google domestic violence and you will see all the results. You would have to pick one closest to you but there are ways to get out. I am sorry you feel so alone. :(

Question: Dealing With a Thoughtless and Verbally Abusive Husband

I have been married for 9 months. My husband is often leaving his job. He in the teaching profession. I am also in the teaching profession. I have been working at a university for more than 5 years, but he is not able to stick with a job for more than 6 months. He does not take my words. He often abuses me. He has a male ego and is a male chauvinist. His upbringing is not proper.
He is not frank in his plans. He does not care for me. He wants sex for 24 hrs and he talks on it rather than our future. He changes for a certain period after discussing my issues, but only for a short period
My question is, how can he be moulded in career and family life and how to make him avoid his male ego and male chauvenism?
How to make him understand about married life?

By Pavithra from Chennai, India


Most Recent Answer

By Tanya [4]09/17/2013

You cannot change another person. But you can change how you react to another person.

Question: Verbally Abusive Husband

My sister had an affair three years ago and her marriage has not been good since her daughter's birth 6 yrs ago due to him yelling, calling her names, and saying he wouldn't feed her. It just got worse when the affair came about. He constantly calls her names, threatens anyone that goes against him, goes into my sister's accounts and deletes things, and calls her names daily in front of kids. She has gone to counseling cause he tells her she's the crazy one because she cries from his words. She tried leaving a year ago, but he told her not to, so she didn't because he said she would never hear of the affair or be called names anymore. Well 9 months later with a new baby it's still happening. He tells her she isn't his wife, kicked her out the bed (but still wants sex), makes fun of her, and says she is nasty. She tries to defend herself, but makes him angrier. Now if she has contact with men business wise he doesn't believe it and says it's another affair and he will make them all pay. This isn't half of what is really happening, but we tell her to get away and it goes right back to being able to support the kids.

By Cc


Most Recent Answer

By Louise B. [5]08/20/2013

You know, of course, that your sister should leave this man as soon as possible. However, that is easier said than done. Perhaps you can do some research on shelters, jobs, places to stay, etc. so there are some answers to those questions.

As one of the other posters has suggested, she may believe all the things that her husband has been telling her, and so think that she is at fault. You must support your sister as much as you can, but I do not think that this is a time to MYOB. I left my husband; he was not abusive, I was employed fulltime and had no read money issues, and my kids were teens who supported me on the move, but it was very hard to figure out what to do, where to go, how to manage the move, etc.

I can see how your sister could be frozen in place, overwhelmed with the problem. If you could come up with the plan of how to leave him, and help her escape, rather than just give "advice", it might be what she needs to get away. Perhaps she needs her family and friends to swoop in and just move her out, like an intervention!

Question: Married to a Verbally Abusive Spouse Who Drinks

I am 47, I have been married for 8 years. I have an older son, but he is not my husband's. My marriage has fallen apart. Over the years my husband has been verbally abusive and he has a very keen liking for alcohol. The other month my husband brought our daughter home, who is 15, in the car under the influence of alcohol. My daughter said her bit to him and he promised he would not drink anymore. Sometimes I fear for our safety. His family thinks I am terrible as their son does no wrong in their eyes! I want a divorce, but feel like I am falling into a black hole. I am just crying all the time. Please help with some advice.

By Ann


Most Recent Answer

By Robyn [361]05/22/2013

I am so sorry you had to go through this. You don't deserve it. I am hearing that you want to leave, but as in many circumstances you don't have the emotional energy to do this. If you do leave you need to get some counseling also to make sure you are supported by someone. You would be helped by knowing there is a higher power, not just a higher power that exists but one who loves you and wants the best for you, daily.

It is not the best thing to live like this.

Sometimes you need help taking the first step. Do you fear for your safety as far as the alcoholism and physical abuse? There is no reason to stay in a marriage or relationship where abuse is part of it. It voids the whole thing. The blessings/authority of a husband/man is lost when he becomes disobedient enough to abuse in any way. You have to be willing to use resources that are there to help you.

Call the local united way and find out where the resources are for women and their kids who need help. You may not have a job. That can seem scary sometimes. You need to concentrate on you and find out what steps need to be done for you to make you whole again. It starts with realizing how much God loves you and how much you need to love youself.

Blessings, Robyn

Question: Dealing With a Verbally Abusive Husband

I am in this position right now that is horrible and very sad. I am 26 years old with one two year old and am a stay home mom, as well. My husband is a nice guy, but when we disagree on a topic, it is just not a pretty picture. It is also a problem even that I have questions to ask. It can never be about anything that I have a doubt about or, "hey what time you did you leave work?", because he gets mad. Then the insults start right away. He expects me to either answer my own questions and keep my mouth shut or as soon as he says the answer to just leave it alone there and that's it.

I have literally broken in pieces and cried my lungs out so many times because I don't know how to deal with his insults. All I get from him is, "You cry because you want to; you're like this because you made this argument; you see the things you do; you can never keep your mouth shut; or you always have to be bitching about everything." This makes me feel even worse.

How would I make myself feel this way? If he could only argue without insults. If he could only tell me things without getting mad right away. This has totally confused me. I don't understand how he can say he loves me, but still talk to me like that and call me all kinds of names.

I am sure I can't stay here. I know this is not healthy and even worse for my baby that hears everything. I just don't find the guts to leave. I feel that leaving would be the only way for him to be happy and not have a bitch like he says living with him since everything is my fault. I sometimes do think is my fault, but I should know better not to feel or think this way, but is too hard.

I just wish I had learned a way to control, to block all the bad he has to say and eventually he will learn to not talk to me that way. We have recently started seeing a therapist, but it's really hard to explain our full arguments in just one hour. I feel as if he is not even working at a solution. He doesn't seem to care to try what she said. Even though he had promised to stop talking to me that way he hasn't at all and it happens every time. What should I do about this ? I know I love this guy so much, but it hurts to be here.

By Jess


Most Recent Answer

By mngr4cns12/25/2013

I feel your pain I'm in the same boat. but I'm 41 he is 28. I work to hold down everything.
he does nothing no job claims he can't find one. but keeps my 5 year old daughter. He calls me names, had choked me unconscious several times. The physical has pretty much stopped, but the verbally abuse is harsh. I just don't see why I stay. I'm very attractive, hardworking, yet I keep allowing this. It's so hard to leave. I say it's because I love him. I had so much going for me before. now I've lost so much. I don't know why I stay. Some people say they stay for money. sex. etc. It's different, not any of that. So I do feel your pain every moment. I only can pray that God one day will give me the strength to get out. I will pray for both of us.

Question: Dealing With Verbal and Emotional Abuse

Yesterday my husband and I got into an argument because my son left the lights on in his room. When I defended my son he then said that "my marriage was in danger". He always threatens me with divorce and end of the marriage. This has been going on for about 8 years now and slowly I don't care anymore.

I get a knot in my stomach when I come from a friend's house and have to go home. My son feels the same way. We feel as if we have to walk on egg shells. As I said, I don't care anymore, financially I am dependent on him. What do you think my action should be?

By Corrie V.


Best Answers

By Louise B. [5]02/24/2014

No one should have to live "as if they are walking on eggshells". Leaving isn't easy, but it can be done. Find out about shelters in your area; perhaps you have family that would help out financially. Taking your son out of this toxic environment is the best thing you could for him; and he is old enough to be a moral support for you.Start making plans to leave. You will be surprised how empowering it is to take action.


Best Answers

By redhatterb [1]02/23/2014

Whenever I hear a young woman now talk about getting into any type of relationship I urge them to make sure they have their own checking account or a fair sum of cash put away, in case they have to leave. Start at the beginning of the relationship or even before, even if it means putting a couple dollars away out of the grocery money each week. By now you would have a fair amount stashed away.

I know a young woman who, when she was about 30 was my employer, and she had an infant, one day when work was slow we got to talking about things like that. She said she had her own credit card, checking account, and a fair amount of cash hidden away with her parents. There wasn't one thing her husband, an attorney, could get his hands on other than his private checking account, credit card, and the household account. You don't have to be well to do, in order to put a little away here and there.

However, you don't have to be financially independent to leave. You can always take your son and go to a domestic abuse shelter. They help women get on their feet, with job training, finding a job, etc. Also you don't need to take a lot of personal belongings(clothing, etc. with you) because they have donated things that the clients can have.

When you are in one of these shelters your husband is supposed to be able to get hold of you. That being said, you also shouldn't call him and ask him to come and get you. It is entirely possible that once he sees you are brave enough to leave and not depending on you, that he will straighten out.

Question: Husband Sometimes Verbally Abusive

I have been with my husband for 19 years. We have two girls. On a daily basis he is fine. He works and pays the bills. I work, as well, although I don't contribute much to bills.

He only really gets mad over money and me not spending much time with him. When he is mad he yells, screams, calls me horrible names, and accuses me of cheating. He has occasionally thrown things. I do love my husband and I know he loves us too. I told him I was leaving and he apologized for treating me badly and said he knows he can't act like that in front of kids. He knows its hurting them. He says he wants us to be happy and promised to make it right for the kids.

I'm so confused. I don't know if I should believe him and give him one last chance or just take my girls and go. I know if we leave we would be struggling to live. I know that nobody deserves any form of abuse, but if I compromise and help out with bills and spending time with him maybe things will get better. Not sure if I should give up yet or make an effort to help change things.

By EM

Question: Getting Out of an Abusive Relationship

I'm disabled and have a 7 yr old daughter who doesn't belong to him. I can't afford to move. When we married 4yrs ago we moved into his house. He's very verbally abusive; everything is my fault. We live around his family. I'm not allowed any friends, he cheats on me, and mistreats us. I have nowhere to go. The police just say if I don't like it leave.

He's turned the power off on us in the middle of winter and turned water off. He's lost his job and won't look for one. I've tried to leave and stay with friends, but he calls DEFAX and the police. This causes so many problems that no one wants us to stay with them cause of the drama. What can I do? He takes stuff out of the house all the time. The police just say if they have to keep coming up here they'lll take me to jail and my baby to DEFAX. Please tell me how to escape this hell.

By Severa


Most Recent Answer

By Holly A.01/26/2014

Verbal abuse can quickly turn into physical abuse. Please seek help from your friends and develop a safety/escape plan. Remember that there is no shame in initiating a divorce because of your situation. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Everything you say will be confidential. I don't know if you can see their icon on this page, so the numbers are 1-800-799-7233 and 1-800-787-3224 (TTY). There are no fees for either number. They will provide professional help and emotional support. Website: http://www.thehotline.org/ You will get a pop up stating that your use of this website can be monitored by someone who shares your computer. I suggest using a computer at your local library or college campus.

Question: Abusive Husband

It's my 2nd marriage and I have a 7 year old boy from my previous marriage. I got married in 2010 and I had a daughter and 1 son who is 7 months with my current husband. I came to the USA 2 years ago. In Karachi I was a banker by profession for 10 years and belonged to very educated family. I'm a green card holder, yet to be a citizen.

My husband is not only verbally abusive, but he has hit me several time even when I was pregnant, in my 9th month. I ended up going to the hospital and was admitted there for 3 days. He is an alcoholic and not ready to quit and drinks daily until is is drunk and losses all his senses.

Now we keep on having arguments every 3rd day and he abuses me in front of my 7 year son who he hit so hard his teeth were broken. Our arguments have gone to the extreme. He recently bought his mother from his country. She is staying with us and that's another added responsibility on me beside 3 kids of my own. He is not helpful at all and keeps ordering me all the time, do this, do that, and not even helping when it comes to kids or house work and outside work like grocery shopping, etc.

Now he says I should leave the kids and go back to my own country. He says he would live here separately as he would take away the green card which I got from him, as he is a citizen. How can I go back leaving the kids? He is not willing to negotiate if I say let's live here separately and I can earn income myself and the kids can see both of us. He will not let me live with him. If I were a citizen he would have no choice, but now it's my desire to live with him for 3 years to get the citizenship.

I keep trying everyday and try to stay calm, but am just fed up with every day arguments and his mother who is always showing me attitude and criticizing me in to her family. What to do?

By Sad girl

Question: Dealing With an Abusive Husband

When my husband is at his worst, he calls me obscene names, all in front of our daughter. I always remain calm and tell him speaking to me like that is unacceptable. His response "I don't give a ...". This occurs every couple of weeks. He cools down quickly and within 24 hours is acting as if nothing ever happened. If it is not toward me, he is screaming at his adult children, business associates, or even the mechanic. In between these explosions are often daily subtle digs about my business skills, thought process, cooking, parenting, etc. However, this is mixed in with compliments, loving touches, and helping around the house.

He doesn't drink, do drugs, or go out. He is home every night and is a very much a family man. He is an attentive father.

He has struck me on two occasions. I've told him twice in our 10 year marriage that I want a divorce and both times he promised to get better and asked not to destroy our family, reminding me that our daughter needed her mother and father. And I agree, but I don't want my daughter to ever think this type of behavior is okay. After his latest episode, my daughter told me, "I'm never having a husband like yours."

After reading a few stories, I feel like my situation is not that bad, but still, I often feel depressed, hate intimacy with him, and always cringe when he walks in the door, but I will endure it all if it is best for my daughter to have two parents under one roof.

By Anna P.


Most Recent Answer

By redhatterb [1]12/11/2013

Take you daughter and get out. If you don't have any place else to go, go to a battered women's shelter. You never know when it will get worse. Also your daughter shouldn't have to hear that kind of language.

Question: Living With an Abusive Spouse

I have been married for 13 years to my husband and he has always been controlling and used to cheat all the time. Somewhere in the middle of him going to prison for 6mos. and trying to raise our kids alone and run his small construction business I got addicted to drugs. Anyway, I am clean now and have been for some time, but he recently served me with divorce papers and keeps postponing the date. I have no money or vehicle unless he "lets" me use one of his or gives me money, then he wants receipts to show every little cent. He does not want a divorce he just wants total control of everything in our lives. My children have listened to this their whole life, son is 12 and daughter is 8. What should I do?

By MandMmom


Most Recent Answer

By redhatterb [1]12/03/2013

Find an attorney that will help you pro bono, and co-file, demand that you get a vehicle that is in decent running condition; a reasonable amount of court ordered child support that will be garnished from his wages, by the state; demand spousal support(you don't actually want it because you would have to pay income tax on that, but you don't on child support.) Demand that he keep the kids on his insurance policy; if you own your house, put it up for sale, and demand that you get 3/4 of the profit from selling.

This is the way it went when I got divorced. My "ex" had me served with divorce papers, but continued coming home until we had our first hearing when the judge ordered him out of the house. I got court ordered child support, 3/4 of the profit from selling the house, and I got my pick of the furniture, he got the crappy stuff from the basement family room.

When it came to deciding who got what furniture that was decided at a final hearing before the final papers were filed. We sat in his attorney's office, along with my attorney, and decided all of the furniture stuff. It was my "ex's" idea that I get our car and he got the pick up. The pick up was a couple years newer, but for insurance purposes the car was considered a sport car.

I didn't take part in the first hearing, my attorney had me sit in the law library of the court house, and told me if he needed me he would come and get me. His big concern was getting my husband out of our house because he carried a gun in the line of duty, and I told him we had enough guns to start our own army in the family room.

Also if your husband has a job where he will collect a pension when he retires, you want part of that. I wasn't smart enough to do that. Also you have been married long enough that when the time comes you can draw part of his social security income.

My attorney didn't represent me pro bono, and he did need a retaining fee, but he made it low enough that I could borrow the money from my folks and I paid the rest of the legal bill out of my share of the home sale profit. Look in the phone book under attorneys and you will see there are some that don't charge for the first consultation.

Also be aware that every time you call your attorney you will be charged for the few minutes you talk to him. I was lucky, my attorney was a member of the church that I attended, but he still charged me for everything, but was a good fighter for me.

Oh yes, they day my husband was served with the papers that I had co-filed, he had a temper tantrum, threatened to take the car I was supposed to get and go out and have such a bad accident that he would be killed and make it obvious that it was suicide so I couldn't collect his life insurance. Although looking back I don't think that would have worked because he had the insurance policy for many years and I do know some policies don't eliminate suicide unless it is within a certain time frame. My husband was also a control freak.

Question: Husband Verbally Abusive with an Infant

My husband is verbally abusive to me and is now starting to be to so with my year old son as well. He is 15 years older than me and we began dating when I was 18. He has been married before and has another child, but his ex took that child away when he was a year and a half.

He doesn't have a job and since he has a record, it is incredibly hard for him to find any place that will take him. When we were first together and living in my mother's house, I began to be angry with him and felt like he was controlling everything I did, which he was. I went on a date with someone else, who kissed me, but I felt so ashamed that I didn't continue on. My husband (boyfriend at the time) found out by his daily look through my phone.

I know what I did was wrong, I am not denying that, but he still holds it over me whenever we get into an argument. I understand his distrust of me, but I have tried over the past 3 years to "make it up" to him.

We got married after 9 months of being together, and I got pregnant after 9 more months. During that time he was getting even more upset and even told me that he didn't care if I had an abortion. That one really hurt. During that time we became homeless because he pissed off his family, who we were staying with at the time and they kicked us out.

Now, we are again living with my mother, my younger brother, and the three of us. I am currently going to school to eventually be a doctor and am working an additional 12 hours to cover the 35 hours required by Calworks to receive benefits on my own.

When I am gone, he usually sleeps all morning and ignores the baby when he cries. He yells at him to tell him to shut up, and then wonders why when I come home after school and work and take care of him he doesn't want to be around his father.

Recently I have become so filled with hate for him, even though I really love him. I love my son more, though, and I know it makes my husband mad that I love my son more than him. I want out of the relationship, but I don't make even close to enough money to be out on my own and I have no other family that can help me. I need to stay where I'm at so I can continue school, so I can't move too far away, even if I could. I also don't want my husband to be homeless either.

My husband gets very angry and I try to avoid him. He takes everything out on me and even though I work, get straight As in school, feed, care for, and play with the baby, clean the house and cook. I am always "doing something wrong". He brings up the date I had and gets jealous if I go to school or work wearing makeup because, since I am "pretty" he assumes I am going out to cheat and such, which I am not. He is constantly saying that I don't know anything about anything, gets mad at me if I ask him questions, and then when he is mad and I get mad at him for being mad, he gets worse and threatens to leave us. Before that was the worst thing that could have happened to me, but now, I pretty much wish it would just happen all ready. I want what is best for my son, but I don't know what is the right thing to do anymore. There is nothing much more I can do except to wait until he either leaves or hits me so I can force him out.
Does anyone have any advice?

By LK


Most Recent Answer

By redhatterb [1]11/18/2013

I would never have let you and your, at the time boyfriend live in my house, without being married. You can't hate and love him both. The fact that he has a record doesn't make it hard for him to find a job, it is his attitude. I know that when a person first gets out of jail they have parole/probation officer and they also are expected to have and keep a job. You have to talk to your mother and have her order you and your family out of her house, then when all of you are out, take your child and what you can carry and go to a battered women's shelter. I can't figure out why you got involved with him in the beginning. He is almost old enough to be your father.

Question: Abusive Boyfriend

My boyfriend and I have been together seventeen years and have two children together. My daughter is fifteen and my son is thirteen with PDD; which is a form of autism.

He's always been verbally abusive and has hit me several times. It's not often, but he started doing it in front of the children. My son witnessed him hit my head on the counter. He's smacked me, punched me, kicked me down to the floor, thrown water bottles at me, and threatened to throw my dog away. He calls me an idiot and belittles me in front of the kids and brainwashes them into thinking I love the dog more. He actually tells them I love the animals more than them.

His mother also brainwashes them and belittles me and yells at me in front of them. Now he told my kids we are moving to Florida along with his mother and told me I don't have to go, but the kids are going. He says if I want a court battle I'll lose. I'm so scared of losing my kids. Please help.

By Danielle


Most Recent Answer

By April [179]11/11/2013

Get an attorney.

Question: Leaving an Abusive Husband

I have been married 18 years. I have three children. The first years of marriage were filled with violence, control, everything. Fast forward 10 years with church help, some DV classes, my husband is no longer violent, but classic passive aggressive, and all other acts of emotional abuse...classic. He also has emotional affairs, last one was 1 year long.

Now he is in counseling for military personnel, but at some point I woke up and want out. Here is the caveat. I am pregnant with fourth child, 7 weeks, due to obligatory sex and I am not allowed to use birth control. I was so close to leaving finally, but now I feel like a prisoner again. I have not worked in 18 years due to this marriage, my resilience is weak and I am not sure whether to terminate the pregnancy so I can run. I am 43 years old and just will absolutely never trust this man again, truly. I know he is not changing and I don't like him anyways. I am so afraid of turning my young daughters' lives inside out by going to a shelter. Is there another way and I don't want another child. I am so tired.

By Janis


Most Recent Answer

By Louise B. [5]11/04/2013

If you want an opinion, leave. You must follow your heart with regard to termination of pregnancy, however, whatever you decide, it should not affect whether you stay or go. You have said you want to go; now is the time. The decision to leave is the hardest step. Once you have made that, you are on your way. Start making plans to leave. Contact a lawyer; contact a women's shelter; perhaps you have family that can help. When you are exhausted it is very difficult to make a decision, and being pregnant adds to the exhaustion. But you know what is best for you and your children, so you must take one day at a time, and start the process. Good luck.

Question: Dealing with an Abusive Spouse

I have been with my husband for nearly 20 years and we have 5 children, who range in age from 17 to 5. When we met in college, his neediness to be "taken care of" appealed to my nurturing side and I happily obliged.

He has never paid a bill in all our years as a couple. He has never taken a second job to help pay those bills even though he loves to complain about what we don't have. He has an issue with his temper. I saw it when we were dating, but it was usually over the outcome of a sporting event so I didn't place much stock in it.

We have struggled all our married life to keep our heads above water and to maintain a happy environment for our kids. I adore being a Mom, but because he wouldn't take a second job I have had to work multiple jobs to provide for our children's needs to the point that I work nearly all of the time (literally).

He is constantly at odds with the kids, but mostly our oldest daughter because she doesn't hold back when she sees something being done wrong. He acts like a child more often than not, throwing things at the kids to "get their attention" and then ignoring them when they want his. He demands "respect", but does very little to earn it and doesn't feel he needs to give it to get it. He has admitted to our oldest that "sometimes he wishes he hadn't had kids". He has said on more than one occasion "if we hadn't had so many kids...". More often than not, when I have to work or run an errand he refers to having to watch the youngest ones as "being stuck with them". He's even said openly that he can't stand our daughter and told her as much.

In anger (usually at one or more of the kids) he's flipped tables, thrown remotes at heads, basketballs in faces, toys across the room. etc. He threatens to "beat" them and gets such a look of rage on his face over the littlest of things that it scares even me. More than once I've had to intervene, in fact I play referee between him and the kids more than anything else. He is constantly threatening to skip holidays or birthday gifts because "they don't do anything to deserve it" and I am left finding a way to do it on my own. The phrase "don't tell Dad" takes on new meaning here. He thinks feeding them dinner is a "treat"! He gives them the silent treatment or the cold shoulder as punishment when he's mad at them and holds a grudge. He won't show affection or tell them he loves them when he's in this state of mind and the kids are painfully aware of it!

I home school my oldest two because of a learning disability and a health issue and it's been a positive experience for the most part, but my husband is always saying how they'll never be able to make it in the real world because of it. Were it not for my two oldest being home schooled, I couldn't work like I do. They take turns watching their younger brother and sister before and after school and usually get that responsibility on the weekends because their father doesn't think he should have to because it's his only time off. Never mind the fact that I work six days a week 12 or more hours a day. He criticizes me in front of the kids for how long I'm gone when I go to the store or for how I spend money and for the things I do with it. He refuses to take the kids anywhere unless it serves his needs, he throws past mistakes with finances or attempts at improving our relationships in my face during an argument or the fact that I've held several jobs since we started our family nearly two decades ago (only because I was trying to be home more than away and raise my kids myself and avoid the high cost of daycare).

We are expected to spend time with his family whenever an opportunity arises, but if I want to do something with mine (who live 2 hours away or more) he says the kids have to "earn it". He even makes derogatory comments about them as if they are not as "normal" as his own. I have been living away from my family all of my adult life and it saddens me to think of all the wonderful memories my children could have had. My dad is gone now, Mom re-married and my nieces and nephews are all grown up. We can't get that time back.

If I ask him to help out with the kids or by doing something like take out the garbage or fix something that's broken he either puts it off indefinitely or asks one of the kids to do it, but if he asks one of them or me to do something and we do the same he flips out. He's constantly saying how if everyone would just keep him happy things would be a whole lot better at home. He pressures me for sex and openly "jokes" about not getting it often enough in front of other people. He makes lewd comments and gestures in front of the kids that make them uncomfortable and then says "at least you have two parents who love each other". He leaves bathing and bedtime to me or expects the older kids to do it. His main concern is for himself. He yells at the kids for changing the channel or leaving food out, but when he does it it's okay cause it's "his house", "his TV", or "his money that bought the food". (His take home is less than mine, btw). Combined, the two of us make just enough to "not" qualify for any help, but not enough to "not" need it!

He is highly unmotivated and extremely negative about anything and everything to the point that the older kids want me to leave. I feel like we're walking on eggshells waiting for the next blow up. Even the kids' friends notice and don't like to come around when he's there because he screams and yells in front of them too! I'm constantly having to choose between him and the kids. I too dream of leaving rather than staying, but with five kids and questionable "abuse" I feel foolish seeking help from a shelter.

I am fiercely loyal to my work (which I love) and don't want to leave the area because of that. I've cared for a friend's elderly Father who suffers from Alzheimer's for several years. It's the reason I can work so much and still home school! I just want it to be me and the kids so I can salvage what's left of their childhood, but can't imagine being able to do this on my own. I feel very "stuck"! I even tried to leave twice before, but financially it's just so difficult. I asked him to leave and deal with his anger issues and he refused, saying he didn't think it was necessary. Sadly, I love him, but am not in love with him anymore. I've made my share of mistakes over the years, but marrying him wasn't one of them because it gave me my kids whom I adore. I fear that staying with him will cause me to lose them and that is something I could not bear. Any advice or direction you can offer would be greatly appreciated.

By Anastacia


Most Recent Answer

By anywho11/09/2013

As others you have said, what you are describing is abuse. It doesn't matter that he doesn't hit you. He's taking advantage of you and the children for his own selfish reasons, and no one who is "loved" should have to put up with that. You must make a plan to leave this toxic situation ASAP. Or heck, don't make a plan and just leave. You can work out the details later.

Don't get dragged into the trap of "planning" to leave. That's just fear finding a home in you and causing delay. The financial stuff will work out. It always does. I understand it feels very scary to take on full financial responsibility for those 5 kids - and in one way it probably feels insane to remove them from the security they currently have. But what's easier to fix - financial insecurity or years of emotional abuse?

Your kids will be ok; there are people and resources who can get you the material things you will need. But it's a lot harder for others to fix the internal damage he is causing. To not take action now is actually more of a risk than to take it - look at it that way.

Have you looked into organizations or ministries that help abused women and children? Trust me, you would qualify. Any family or friends you can ask for help? Don't let pride get in the way. Your kids will love and respect you all their lives for the action you take now. Let them be your motivation. Good luck and best wishes to you.

Question: Spouse is Verbally Abusive and Addicted to Painkillers

The man I married is not the same man I agreed to marry and spend the rest of my life with, "in sickness and in health, til death do us part". I knew when I married him, he came with health issues. What I didn't know, was the power of painkillers!

Long story short, we were married in August 2007, by September 2007 I knew something was wrong. His abuse of his prescription pain killers (and alcohol) were coming to be a constant fight. He always says it's because of the pain, but can never really say from where (sometimes his legs, then his back, then...). He really does have both medical issues, but when he is checked out at the doctors, they say not so bad.

After several attempts to get him help (numerous pain docs, specialists, etc.) by begging, pleading, griping, moaning, demanding, and threatening (in order). I had resorted to counting out his pills and counting what was left (daily), picking up the meds myself and so on, to regulate.

In 2008 he overdosed on ibuprofen, went into full kidney failure and a coma, this is after heart failure in 2005, dying and being brought back. Both brushes with death barely slowed him down. He now takes care of his own meds, he stills buys otc Tylenol (2-3 bottles/mo), and besides the normal lying and sneaking, he has started verbally bashing us.

My sons are now 17 and 20, and both are still in the house. He has never been close to them (at first he liked them in front of people). He doesn't call them by their names, instead he uses filthy/degrading words. He had only ever done this to me in the past. Also, I was kicked out of the bedroom and have to sleep in a recliner, which is now causing me medical issues. (I don't mind though, because otherwise he wants to have sex).

He doesn't care about my medical issues (no one is as bad off as him). He calls me "the crazy bitch" when I try to talk. My boys are confined to their room if he is home. We walk on eggshells when he is home, and we are to keep "his" house a certain way, and ask to use/move anything, etc.

OK, maybe not so short a story. Anyway, at this point I have given up. I can't help him, if he won't help himself. The only reason I remain here is because I took a vow and because I am a full-time college student and can't support myself and the kids. I know that sounds lame, but I truly have tried to find help. I have an advocate at the local YWCA and have started my "safe" plan to get away, but I can't find living help.

The Y has help, but the funds aren't available, so the wait list is 1yr minimum. I have tried a couple local churches, but again no funds, and DSHS says I would have to kick the 20yr old out. Frankly I am not the kind of mom to do that (even when he makes me mad), and he has been looking for work ever since he got laid off in July. I would also have to get a job, and I wouldn't mind except I couldn't find one (that's why I went back to school). I don't think I could handle both at my age, nor do I want to give up school, because I want a solid/stable future! I am on the honor roll after being out of school for 25yrs, and am proud of it.

So how in the world can I pull my "safe" plan off before he gets physically abusive (which I know is close), if I can't find help?

And in the mean time, domestic violence is a "learned" behavior, so this is how my boys are learning to become men. (I'm so glad my family talked me into this). I was a single mother all their life, until marriage 6 years ago, and look at the damage in the last 2 years alone.

Help!

By MLF


Most Recent Answer

By Caseye [28]10/07/2013

Get online and find out what resources are available to you locally; also ask at the school you're attending. Your city might have programs, too. You've tried the "Y" and your churches, but there are other organizations, too. You just have to keep searching until you get the help you need to get out and away from this man.

You might have to give up school temporarily if you need to get a job and save some money, but you can go back (congrats on doing so well after such a long time - that's awesome!). Online searches might also put you in touch with other abuse survivors so you can get their input and advice. How about calling a domestic violence hotline? They can give you some resources as well. It's important that you get your boys away from this abusive man; he's going to undo all the good you taught your sons, and you don't want them to follow his lead. Good luck; prayers are going your way!

Question: Husband Argues When Drinking

I have been married for 38 years. I am 55 years old. In all these years my mother-in-law has never liked me. She always liked to showed favor to her other daughter-in-law and son. Now she is 86 years old and sick. My drinking husband is saying it's my fault because he says I never liked her when she is the one that never liked me or our sons, her grandsons, for many years. My husband likes to drink and every time he's home he fights with me now. The fights are about his assertion that I never liked his mother; I am so tired of it all. I love my husband, I just want him to stop yelling at me about anything and everything all the time. All I ever wanted is to be loved.

By Margie from Fontana, CA


Most Recent Answer

By Louise B. [5]10/06/2013

You can not change your husband, especially when he is drinking. I suggest you go to Al-anon meetings, as these are for people who have to cope with alcoholics. You could also try some counseling; I doubt that your husband will go, but you will find it helpful to go on your own.

Question: Resolving Conflict With Spouse

My husband was abused and yelled at as a child by his father. He also had to endure the fact that I had an STD that I gave to him knowing I had it, but thought since it hadn't flared up in years and I didn't give it to anyone else that I could justify not telling him.

We have been married for a year and a half and when we argue he always brings that up whether we are talking about it or not. He will get mad and say you're a whore, a tramp, and you're lucky I even stay with you. After all that keeping me up all night yelling and cussing he will say it's my fault for him acting the way he does. He also says it's my fault and my family's fault for him not being able to get a decent job when he has a domestic violence charge against him from me and that's what really is keeping him from getting a job. He hasn't hit me since we quit drinking together, but it seems he is in a argument that lasts all night degrading me every 2 to 3 weeks.

He has agreed to christian marriage counseling, which we go to. I feel scared to talk and tell my true feelings because we are in the same room and I'm afraid he might yell at me afterward if I seem like I'm pointing fingers at him.

I work at night and he works days and I pay most all the bills because he can't find a decent paying job. He expects me to quit my job just because of people at work flirting with me which is going to happen because I'm a 29 year old server at a fine dining restaurant.

My question is, I'm getting really fed up. I'm 7 months pregnant and I want to work things out, but don't know that it will get better. Is my husband abusive or just very unforgiving? He shows signs of hope with counseling and not drinking, but he has a temper out of this world and his words cut like a knife and I don't want us to be like this when our little girl is born.

By Sasha from Tupelo, MS


Most Recent Answer

By Tanya [4]09/23/2013

Verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse. It's all abuse. With physical abuse, he may go to jail, and your wounds might heal depending on how bad he has hurt you. Most likely he will not go to jail for the verbal or emotional abuse, but those are the wounds that will scar you forever. If you have to ask if you are being abused, then you are being abused.

Question: Husband is Verbally and Physically Abusive

My husband scares me. He has had his hands round my throat, calls me horrible things; I feel worthless. His family tells me I am a burden on him. I have primary progressive MS, I still work full time. My dogs hide when he raises his voice.

We don't have arguments, he shouts insults. Last time I was told everything would be better if I got in the car and let him connect a hose to the exhaust and let the engine run. I don't know what to do, he acts lovely when other people are around.

By kerry


Most Recent Answer

By lindau09/16/2013

You need to call the cops on him, it is againts the law for him to abuse your with his hands,then go to a shelter, the cops will help you find one, take your dog to your parents or friends, you can't live your life like that, you can find some one who will not treat you that way.

Question: Leaving a Verbally Abusive Spouse

I am a mother of 4 children. I am married to a verbally and sometimes physically abusive man. He is not the kids biological father. I know if I leave it will be with only my children, very little money I can stash away without him knowing, and maybe a couple of suitcases of clothes. I do not have friends because I'm not allowed to. And the only family I have are 1400 miles away and on meth.

I have not worked, but a couple of months between this and my last marriage to the kids' dad (which ended after he hospitalized me after coming home under the influence of drugs and whiskey). I don't have a high school diploma or really anything to give me hope that I can do what I know I need to do, not just for me, but mainly my children. Is there any hope at all that I can make a life for myself and the kids. I have lost my license, Social Security card, and have only a copy of my birth certificate. I did find a photo copy of my ID, but it doesn't ever help me when I need to prove my identity. I do know I cannot keep putting the kids and myself through this just because he provides food, clothing, and a roof over us. I think all of us feel we would be in a better place hungry, naked, and on the street! Does anyone know where I could start getting away from what feels like Hell?

By scaredmom from WV


Most Recent Answer

By cybergrannie [30]09/06/2013

Hi - you have received a lot of good advice and concern from responders.

If you do not have a clue as to how to do this then maybe you can just call your local police department as they will have all the information you need and will assist you in your move if you are afraid of what your husband will do.

You CAN call 911 if you do not have a local number but be sure to tell them right away what you are trying to do - and why. They should transfer you to the right department.

Question: Changing Terms of a Divorce

My husband and I have been together for 19 years and married for 13. We have two sons ages 16 and 9. They are the most wonderful things in my life! My husband and I have our share of problems which go back for years. When we argue my husband makes our 16 year old come in the room and listen and watch everything. He puts me down and calls me names in front of my kids. I feel so degraded, so awful about myself, with no self esteem left.

Well this year my husband gives me an ultimatum, either sign divorce papers or I have to get out of the house knowing I have nowhere to go. So I signed the papers. All I get is my car and joint custody with child support. He decided how much to pay and could very well be paying more.

Well we're divorced now and still live together for the time being. My question is can I go and change some things on the divorce papers since I was forced into signing them in the first place?

By Be


Most Recent Answer

By Lizzyanny [9]09/03/2013

You need to see an attorney for several issues. You need to know if the divorce was legal (properly drawn up and filed) If not you get a chance to start over and do it right. When it comes to custody; in my view your husband bringing the children in to witness arguments is child abuse. The courts may or may not see it that way. But you need to find out.

It needs to be recorded for future reference. This man sounds like a loose cannon. And certainly not a fit father. Perhaps he will lose a little bully and bluster when facing someone other than a terrified woman. What a man! Get into the court system where you have some protection. In most divorces with underage children the woman gets the house, and Dad moves out.

Question: Dealing With a Verbally Abusive Wife

I am 42 years old. I've been divorced once. For my own bitterness issues, I dated my current wife for 4 years before we got married and even still I had not healed completely for about 3 years after that. That being said I had been pretty hard to live with up until the time I decided to quit living in a pity party for myself.

We have 3 children (the oldest is hers). She is a "stay at home mom" I think is what she calls it. It is something that I was never in the mix, as far as making that decision, when she decided that after our 1st child was born. She called her employer the day her maternity leave was up and said that she wasn't coming back. What else is upsetting to me is that "every" time we have a disagreement, it's as if she snaps and becomes abusive, hurling unwarranted profanity and insults, dropping the "F-BOMB" like it was common place. I know that I've have been difficult a lot when I was getting over myself, but I don't think that this is something that I have caused her to engage in. I have "never" spoken to her like that. Even more upsetting, she does all this in front of the kids! When I ask her to not talk like that, especially in front of them she starts all the more! Any suggestions?

By kj


Most Recent Answer

By Chuck [17]08/22/2013

Clip and have her read accounts of a mate 'snapping'. She should learn that actions sometimes have responses.

Question: Married to a Verbally Abusive Alcoholic

We've both been married twice before. I was skeptical in the beginning. We had about a 4 year, long distance relationship, midwest to the south. He would visit me often and regularly. We had lots of fun, laughed, went to dinner and he always bought me flowers. He was a true gentleman an still is to this day. But when I asked him if he drank during the week he sly not acceptable habit in my living arrangement. I had been there before.

Eventually I did move to the midwest and we lived together for 3 years before getting married. The thrill, so to speak, has gone and although he loves me and I love him most of the time (when he's not drinking), his pattern is between 5:30 pm to 7 pm. He drinks about 4 beers and 3 scotches, but they equal out to about 9 shots. He doesn't sip. He drinks them like water.

Most of the time he's verbal to me. Often he forgets things during a conversation or the next day. H's lied to me about his alcohol consumption from the start and he's very good at deceit without being hurtful. He's lied about smoking. The longer we are together the worse it seems to get. His 34 year old son recently told me none of this surprises him. He's been doing it all his life.

I'm afraid, not of him. I'm a strong woman who knows when to leave the room, when not to start a confrontation. In fact sometimes I write lengthy letters and email him and we'll get together that night to talk peacefully. I know he has a disease and I will never change him. He's not violent. He's in denial and won't let me help him and often doesn't like to talk about it. Wen he's verbal he always tries to put it on me like,"oh, its all about you all the time" huh? He doesn't even make sense.

He's a been professional for over 35 years or more and very smart. He's clean and organized. He's just stuck in his pattern now forever. We are 62 and 58. I'm tempted to leave, but I cannot work anymore and I don't know how I'd live. We both own everything together, but he's the one who worked all those years to get it. I would feel so guilty if I took 1/2 of everything he's been working for all his life. We love each other. I'm just so sad this is happening and getting worse. I don't know what to do. I'm sure he doesn't even tell his doctor about his outrageous drinking each week or his smoking.
Ay advice would help I'm sure

By Carolyn from IL


Most Recent Answer

By Brenda [2]08/14/2013

Been there, done that too. Grew up with alchoholic parents. As I have been told by counselors, you didn't cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it. No one chooses to be an alchoholic-it is a disease/addiction. They must want to change for themselves and the first step is admitting it.

Sounds like you are making no progress. You have some choices-a trial separation, marriage counseling, and you can attend for free a support group - AA for spouses/others living with an alchohlic- He doesn't have to like any of it. You have to do what keeps you safe and sane. If you have a pastor/preacher, talk to them. Ultimately you have to look out for yourself and realize that he will have to deal with your decisions just as you have been dealing with his.

It's a 2 way street-not one way. It takes 2 to make a marriage and 2 to break a marriage. Weigh what makes you happy-what you need and then take action. Verbal abuse is abuse. You might want to talk to your local domestic abuse counselors--they know about all types of abuse and are very helpful. They also have support groups. Get other input, give lots of thought and soul searching to this and then do what you heart and mind tell you are safe and sane options for you. God bless you and good luck.

Question: No Where to Go from Abusive Relationship

I am 23 years old and I have a 2 month old baby. I have been with my bf who is the father of my son for 7 years and I can't take living with him any longer. Throughout the whole relationship it's been verbal abuse and physical fights. We both have suffered bruises. And every time I decide to leave he stands in the way and won't let me. Eventually I calm down and have to pretend everything is OK because I am on my own and my parents are far from me and I have no place else to go.

I got tired of being slapped around so I started standing up for myself, but that only makes matters worse. I feel like I am with him only because its been 7 years and I've gotten used to not having friends and not being close to my family. My son was born in 2013 and everything went wrong. He bought everything I needed for the baby, but it's like "here I gave you what you need so deal with it on your own". He only watches the baby when he needs something. He wants me to cook everyday at twelve for lunch and for dinner. Everything he asks for I have to give it to him in hand. He is dirty and doesn't shower for the whole week. He doesn't help me much either.

I have gotten to the point were I just hate this man. I don't even look for him and I don't talk to him. He just works, comes home, and smokes pot. He is very very addicted to pot. He doesn't like to go out to do anything. I can't go out with him because small things make him very upset. He's very rude and obnoxious and I just want a happy positive life for me and my baby even if that means letting go of what is holding me back which is him. But it's just me, my 2 month old baby, and my dog and we have no place to go. I haven't started working and I don't have a nanny and my baby is just too small still, he needs me more than ever. What can I do to get away from this relationship that's tearing me apart? Would I qualify for housing if I left?

By Bianca from Scranton, PA


Most Recent Answer

By falcondraco09/12/2013

Abusive people will isolate you from your support group. So the first step is to reconnect with your family and friends in any way that is available to you. Let them know what is going on. Get away from this guy. Move in with your parents, even though they are far away, if you have to for a while.

Question: Leaving an Abusive Husband

I have been married 11 years (together 15) and have two boys, 17 and 7. My husband is mentally, verbally, and emotionally abusive to me and my boys. He has always been this way, but lately he is out of control. He manages and controls everything from the money to video games.

Today was the last straw as be kicked my son out of the house for playing a video game. My boy, tired of his abuse, told him off and rightly so, but my husband threatened to beat him up and he said if he did not leave there would be a tragedy. He said this as he opened his gun cabinet.

My son left and he is staying with his friend and his parents up the street. They are such good and kind people and, at least, he is safe. My son is a wonderful child, honor student, talented musician and singer and no drugs or smoking or problems. He rarely leaves the house unless it's school or the occasional friends get together.

I want to stay here because my son wants to finish high school at his school and I need to be near him. I think after he graduates we can just live together when he goes to college.

My family lives far away and they know nothing of this as I am so ashamed. I do not drive and don't have a penny on me because my husband does not allow it. He says it's because I spend it that he refuses to give me money. I live in the mountains so around here I cannot get around too much as there are no buses or taxicabs. I am very limited and I feel stuck. My self esteem is trash, I am ashamed, scared and I feel paralyzed.

I don't really know anyone around here; at least not to confide in them and ask them for help. I don't know what to do, but I know I want out of this hell hole. If anyone has a suggestion or a connection or anything that can help or guide me, please help me. I live in Netcong, New Jersey. Thank you all so much and God bless you!

By MB


Most Recent Answer

By Sheilah Link [5]08/05/2013

Call the police and they should be able to refer you to help. It is important that you get out now! Your sons are learning this is how to treat women. You are not trash, worthless - he is and he wants you to be less than him. You have nothing to be ashamed of; he is the problem, not you.

Call your family. Keep calling -churches, various social service agencies until you find someone who can help you. But you need to get out of there, and take your sons with you. It will be difficult, very difficult when you leave. But abuse always gets worse and more and more dangerous. Your sons need you alive. Good luck.

Question: Dealing With a Verbally Abusive Husband

After 42 years of dealing with my husband's verbal abuse and bullying; should I stay? My husband was bossy and a bit of a bully before we got married. Since then he has found every reason to blame everything that goes wrong in his world on me. When we were first dating, he refused to bring me to my high school prom, (he went to both of his), then later on he let his family walk all over me. When I wanted to get married, he said not in my church because I was Catholic, and his family wouldn't approve, although they really didn't attend church and he was not even baptized. When we finally did get married, we eloped at his convenience, and we went where he wanted to go, to a Methodist church.

When our first child was born, he was disappointed and even let his obnoxious mother comment that she would have to wait on his brother to get them the boy. This she said in front of my mother. My husband would not let me raise the baby as I saw fit. If I held her down to get medicine in her, as the doctor had instructed me to do, he would yell at me, and one day he actually shoved me. Once our daughter got old enough to not need diapers or bottles, he would take her and do things that made me look like the mean one. Once his father was riding a horse through our yard, and he placed my 4 month old baby up on the horse with his father, even though I said, "No, it's dangerous" he did it anyway, and then the horse reared up and the baby was almost dropped. My husband got mad at me because I said I told him it was dangerous, and then he threw apples at me and his sister.

I could go on and on, but the bottom line is that every 6 weeks or so, my husband picks a fight about something and has done it for 42 yrs. and if I fight him back, lt gets nasty for me and the kids.

He is not like this with anyone else, he puts on a goody goody act, but can snap right back into his troll act at will. He has criticized me for biting a cold sore. He said it looked like I wanted to tell his aunt something. l was just biting it because it hurt. He fought with my daughter because she wanted to have a 16th birthday party outside on our lawn (we lived on 12 acres in the country). He has never taken me on a real honeymoon. We went fishing at his family's primitive cabin (it had no bathroom facilities, just an outhouse and old wash tub, no hot water).

The bullying started before we got married. He got angry with me the day we got married because I went to Montgomery Ward and bought a dress to get married in with money my parents gave me! We don't go on vacations. Our kids are grown and I work and he's retired. We could go on nice vacations, for birthdays or anniversaries, but we never go. If I suggest it, he sighs a sigh of disgust and we end up doing nothing. If I'll pay for dinner or bills or groceries, or use my car and gas...he lets me. I could go on and on. I just would like your thoughts. By the way I have a masters degree and am a certified school principal. I have patience, but it is wearing thin. Please tell me what you think.

By C.C.


Most Recent Answer

By cybergrannie [30]07/19/2013

Gee - all that time and you are not an alcoholic? We all know there are always 2 sides to every story but I would not even wish to waste time listening to his.

Different states have different laws about divorce and especially walking out of your home when there is no "physical" abuse or fear for your life. since you did not especially mention this then I would suggest you see an attorney before you run so that you know where you stand.

Now if you do not want to live in your present home (I assume it is not rental property) then it would be wise to pack what you need and leave - see an attorney on your way to a hotel or friends.

Good luck and I hope there are happier more peaceful days ahead.

Question: Emotionally and Verbally Abusive Husband

I came from an abusive home. He knows this, after 26 yrs. He cuts me down in front of my girls, saying my mind is tainted, making stuff up. I had a stroke in 2009 and he was working in California. He did not come home to take care of my 2 girls, one was 10 and the other 5 at the time. He did come home once. I begged him to stay, but he left us again. He has not worked lately. He says he has to be here for me. I took care of and still take care of my girls. He says the same to them, telling them they sit on their brain in a nice way. He says we are brainless and tells us we are slobs. My house has always been clean. I also have fibromyalgia and I hurt, but he has me up early cooking, making coffee. I have got to clean the laundry. On my bad days he yells at me. Part of my left side doesn't work well. We hide and go in our rooms or one room together. I'm scared if I do something he will hurt us.

By Tina


Most Recent Answer

By Shirley [13]07/08/2013

First off, What he is saying to you is him trying to overcome his inability's by degrading you. Every word he says, he is trying to make himself feel better because he knows he is rotten. File a police report of his abuse so you can have it on record, as you plan to go to a shelter or another safe place. Leave while he is out of the house so He can't talk you down. Get a restraining order too. You can't take care of your girls unless you take care of yourself. Get out. Get counseling too. Prayers for you and thank you for reaching out.

Question: Dealing with an Abusive Husband

My husband and I have been married for 11 years and together for 13. We both came from bad marriages and we have 7 children between us with the youngest being ours. My daughter who is 16 recently accused him of sexual abuse. CPS was contacted by her school counselor and she was put in foster care. She is now living with my sister. I let my husband stay in the home with me and my son while the investigation is going on?

I now realize that he has been verbally abusive throughout our marriage not only to me but my children as well. He has lost his job within the last year and has now been diagnosed with major depression and hallucinations. So now he can't work. My daughter is angry with me because she thinks I have taken sides. I am not happy anymore and haven't been for a long time. I am the major breadwinner and have a good job. Any advice for me about my situation? Do I stay or go?

By Rana D


Most Recent Answer

By adamburk08/10/2013

Oh my - I can't believe I am responding to this post. I joined this site to look for support as I thought I was going through the same thing as you guys but verbal abuse and being told by my daughter she is being abused by this man should be a no brainer. Sweetie you have to report or at the very least leave this man, if not to protect yourself, to protect your daughter. I would die for my kids and although I can tolerate it (just) if my kids were being hurt I would move to the other side of the world to save them. x

Question: Dealing With a Mean Wife

I'm a 41 year old male. I have a good job, I start work everyday at 4:30 am and get home around 5:30 pm. My wife is a stay at home mom that doesn't clean, cook anymore, etc.

She had shoulder surgery a few weeks ago and has had a sitter watch the kids most of the time. I give her baths and help her change clothes, I cook for the kids, I wash the clothes, clean the house, and do all other chores. By the time I'm done I get to bed around 12 am. Since she sleeps most of the day she stays up at night.

My father was just put into a nursing home yesterday because he has Parkinson's and has been making poor decisions. My mother asked if I could visit him and bring his laptop, a pillow and $10 for the nurse to use for a haircut and drinks. My wife was supportive of this before I left to go bring him these things so things were pleasant. Oh by the way my wife is abusing her pain meds that the doctor gives her by taking too much at a time. She is also diabetic and taking Lexapro.

I went to the nursing home to take the items and talk to my dad and after about 45 minutes there she starts calling me on my cell phone telling me it's time to come home. She called repeatly over the next 15 minutes until I finally left. On my way home which is only 3.3 miles away she starts texting me, cursing me, calling me names, telling me to eat s%#t, and don't come home etc. She is accusing me of giving my dad more than $10 which is a joke and cursing me and telling me she hopes I die.

When I got home and she just goes off with the cuts and the threats in front of our 8 year old and 4 year old girls upsetting them. Saying how her and her mother think I'm a worthless piece of crap and that I am giving all our money away to him. She doesn't stop cutting me down and this goes on until around midnight. I attempted to take children to their grandmother's house to get away from her screaming and crazy talk but their grandmother must have not been home since we rang the doorbell, beat on door, called her house, and cell phone. We had to go back home then. I came in and went to sleep in the kids' room with them. My wife stayed up watching TV and smoking and fussing. I woke up for work and she started on me again this morning with the threats and cursing and the hoping that I will die on the way to work, calling me worthless and telling me how much her family hates me and thinks I'm worthless also.

She may be sweet when I get home, I don't know, but she does this in spurts and I don't know what to do. She will not go to counseling because she is in denial, I don't want to get a divorce because I don't want that for my children. My parents are divorced, her brother is divorced, and her other brother is married but has a girlfriend that he says is his soul mate. Her dad works in another state and has been cheating on her mom for years, but her mom doesn't seem to care as long as he is getting paid. She also was married for 6 weeks before we were married. I have known her since she was 16, but it's like she is getting meaner as the years go by. What should I do?

By Michael


Most Recent Answer

By karenlynn [2]06/20/2013

I think you know what ideally should be done - take kids and leave etc. - but I'm assuming that is not workable b/c of money, no place to go, etc. First tell the kids that their mom is sick and they should try not to listen to her rants. Then tell her she is sick and you will take her to doctor's to get help. If she won't go, tell her calmly that you love her and the kids but can't live like this any more and if she won't let you help her you have to leave. Then do it. Go to your mother's or some other place that won't cost you. If she calls you and is sweet, tell her nothing doing until she lets you help her. Believe me, this will be better for the kids than letting them see her abuse you. Good luck. Let us know what happens please.

Question: Getting Out of an Abusive Relationship

I'm 47 and on my 2nd marriage to a younger man. He is verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusive. He criticizes me and blames me for everything. He is a control freak who yells, screams, and swears at me. He throws things like a child and has tantrums. He has to be in control and like to have his own way. I'm always in tears. He checks up on me. We never have sex. He treats me badly. He is threatening and intimidating and it's like walking on eggshells. He has mood swings.

I have 3 daughters from a previous relationship. He hates my kids and my cats. I have no job or money and no one to stay with. I am so low I just want to end it all now so the pain will stop. I live in fear.

I have nowhere to go. No one is going to give me a house as I have no money. I can't drive. I've been with him almost 6 years. I dread the key in the door. He has a job, but is in a lot of debt; he keeps spending all the time. He ripped out the phone line too.
I want a divorce, but cannot see any escape.
Please help me.

By spellbound


Most Recent Answer

By geminisinger [2]05/29/2013

Go to your closest Women's Abuse center; even if you have to take a bus, or call a taxi! Don't tell anyone you are leaving - not even your daughters, unless they live with you. If so, take the girls with you and get out of there ASAP! Here is a number to call, if you can get to a phone: 1-800-799-SAFE(7233) It is a national organization to help you find a safe place to go.

Question: Dealing with An abusive Husband

I'm 27 and I have 3 kids with my husband, who is 25. I been with him for 13 years now, but for the last 3 years it's been on and off. We were separated for almost a year. I was moving on with my kids and we were happy. I despise of my status here.

But he decided to come back in this picture when he started to see that I was doing good. And sadly, I took him back cus deep down inside I still loved him and still do.

He never paid attention to his kids and my oldest boy (8yrs). I think he has something against his dad because there have been times when he tells me that he don't care if his dad leaves because he's used to it and that he honestly prefers his dad to leave as he is really mean to me. It breaks my heart to hear him talk like that his only 8.

The beginning of this year everything started to go down hill. He has never acted this way. He is always getting mad for everything I do. He hasn't really hit me, but he pushes me and throws me to the ground. He did smack me once on the side of my face. He calls me names that really hurt. I always find myself crying and depressed.

Just recently he started not to come home. Before it was only one day, but know it's sometimes 3 days. The worst part is that he comes home and expects me not to ask him were he has been. He says he doesn't have anyone else, but that's really hard to believe even though sometimes I know where he is. I guess what he likes doing now is going out with his friends to drink and get high. He says he loves me, but that I bitch and whine too much. Well what does he expect? For me to be okay with how his treating me?

I really don't know what to do. We agreed when we got back together that this was our last chance of trying, but I guess that really doesn't matter to him. Sometimes I think I'm really dumb for still sticking around and to keep hoping he will change, especially because I feel that it's my fault my kids are going thru this. I should be protecting them from everything. I think the reason why I'm still here is because he wasn't like this before. Ever since he started to hang around his friends that don't have kids or a wife he changed; like if he wants to be just like them "single". I tell him if that's the case then to leave me, but he doesn't. I don't know. Can someone please help me and tell me what to do? I know what the obvious thing is to do here, but it's easy to say, but really hard to do. I can't really provide for my kids if I were to be on my own. Thanks.

By Joanna N.


Most Recent Answer

By Grandma J [46]05/11/2013

You don't think a slap in the face is anything? So what stranger on the street would you let do that to you?
Do you finally get it when he hauls off and whacks one of the kids....and maybe 'he did not mean it' but he did it. Our community is dealing with 4 missing wives/girlfriends of 'the guy who did not mean it'. This week, 2 bodies were found. Yeah, they meant it alright, just did not intend to get caught. A swamp and a large US river were the ending places of these two women who did not get away. The bodies of the other 2 are still to be found. The next state over, the father slit his children's throats....to get even with his wife who would not put up with the abuse. He was convicted of being SANE when he did this. All these guys claim insanity, but you don't carry out a plan for this long of abuse, neglect, abuse again, without knowing what you are doing. OR planning.

Get help NOW. All 911 response has to help you get from Point A to B in the minimum. I don't know of a section of the USA that does not have something in place for issues like this. Do not take no for any answer.
It will save your life, it will save your children's lives.

Question: Advice for Dealing with an Abusive Husband

How can a stay at home mom of 3 kids leave an abusive husband that won't give her any money? I have been married for 15 years and have been a stay home mom since our first of 3 kids was born. It has always been hard because I had no help.

He is so controlling I could never get a break since he thought if I had kids with me every second I wouldn't be able to cheat, which is crazy because I have never given reason to think I would. I have been out away from my kids maybe 3 times in 15 years so not much chance I was cheating!

He was not cruel at least then, as far as saying it's his money, but 2 years ago my parents died. They were my only family so he knew I had nowhere to go and the abuse really started. He gives me not even enough money to buy food. I can't even buy the kids clothes they need so badly because anytime I ask him, he screams he is broke. I am sure he is, since he pays every bill the minute he gets it. By time he pays bills there is only a couple hundred left out of his check which is $1500 a week. I suggest that maybe make a bill could wait and I could buy food or clothes. I usually get choked, but always called a mooch, leach, or sponge and told to go find someone else to support my pathetic a**. He says this in front of our kids.

So pretty much I am dead inside; I am hardly able to function. I try staying strong for the kids, but it's so hard. I know we all have to go through this every day and have no hope it will be better because everything in his name, including the car. If I try having him lease, which he wouldn't do, I would not have a car or a dime because he makes clear he won't give any money until I figure a way to get a lawyer with no money to pay retainer and get him in court.

My kids are terrified I will try divorcing him, even though they can't deal with this hell, because he has pounded in their heads if he ever leaves they will be living in a gutter with their mom because she's too pathetic to support them. Sadly I couldn't support them.

I am desperate to know how can I make him have to pay support from the day he is made to leave; if I am able to get him out? I read a lot where people say go to a friend's or family and I have none of either so it's not an option and the shelters are nowhere near here so I would have to move kids away and take the dog and two cats to a shelter. I have hard time thinking that after the hell they have lived that they should suffer even more rather than the law make him support them?

By Jodi from Arnold, MO


Most Recent Answer

By came2win0106/20/2013

Yes you can, yes you can! First thing is file for child support and divorce. You will start getting money right away I know you have at least one friend that would let you stay there a few weeks so you can look into the information I am about to for you. You take those babies to a women's battered program call around check your local churches ask for numbers for places who will take in you and your children!

My sister is living in a huge beautiful e home it's a little community for battered women they have a nice play grand and underground pool they have places like this everywhere. Don't think you would have to be in some random homeless shelter. And right now you can start off by going to file for public houses they will give you a vaulter for 800$ or more to rent a house for free. Then you get your kids in a head start program, so you can get a job.

Also the place my sister was staying at is getting her a car helped he get on school. There are places and I really hope you get out don't listen to his bullshit and your kids honey will be proud of you they don't want to hear that stuff and I bet a million dollars it kills them when he says those things to them about you. You can also apply for food stamps and get food. So you can do all of this with no money! There is a way sweet heart you can do it. I would leave so fast his head would spin.

File for a divorce! Please do the right thing and leave what a horrible life for your children or child and yourself. There is so much more to life than that I wouldn't even wish this on my enemy. Insure hope you makes some moves. Also in you can call the 211 hotline and tell them what you need they will give you phone numbers to places who can help you. God bless you sweetheart, insure hope you slap that man with some child support and divorce papers. He will pay you regardless or he will go to jail!

Question: Verbally Abusive Husband

I have been married for one year and I have a son, not by him. I have moved into my husband's house with his son and daughter. It started three weeks after we got married. He just starts yelling at me if he does not like what I ask him. He has gotten in my face and chased me into the bathroom and raised his hand to me, but did not hit me.

Whatever the kids do, I am wrong and they are right. His son who is 21, wrote me a note and called me a dumb ass in the note. His son told his dad to divorce me. His son and my son had a fight with words and ever since then his son won't have anything to do with my son or me. I don't know what to do? I do not want to be treated like this, when he is nice he is really nice, but when he is mean I can not take it.

By Ann


Best Answer

By Myrna [13]01/09/2012

Avoid further attachment to this complicated Dr. Jekyl and Dr. Hyde syndrome this man has formed. Get out quickly and don't let on you're leaving. Verbal abuse can lead into hitting on you and your son too especially if he tries to defend you. You can raise your son on your own without his help and being subjected to this type of abuse long term is damaging. He's good at what he's doing and is playing on your emotions and his son is doing the same with you and your son.

It's a copycat syndrome; both of you leave. As far as feeling sorry for that man's son, he does need help from his father's damaging behavior toward his wife. Let the law take care of that, but don't you stay in this mess. It's only going to tear you down and you won't be much use for you or your son who needs an outlet if you remain involved.

Question: Helping My Sister Deal With an Abusive Relationship

My sister has a history of having a difficult marriage. It is only more recently that we, her family, are finding out just how difficult. Her husband has been verbally and emotionally abusing her for years. She has 4 kids with him and lives in a different state than we do.

Their one child is a special needs child and he, in particular, is who my sister worries about the most. She is concerned that her husband will "go after him". I don't know exactly what that means, she says he is not physically abusive, but he spends all his time hollering at the kids when he gets home from work.

He has made it clear to my sister that everything (all possessions) is his. Last night my sister had to run an errand, she usually keeps the kids with her all the time, but she couldn't take them. When she got home her 2 middle boys were upset to the point of being traumatized.

She had an argument with her husband and tried to go to a friend's house which is two hours away. Her oldest son, 12, ran away from her, upset. He ended up going to his paternal grandparents home. My sister was not leaving her husband at this point but just trying to get a break from her husband and so she could rest a little (she has kidney stones right now). She was also trying to convince his family to help him with getting professional help.

This morning her husband called, informed her he froze all assets, and the kids had to be returned home, and that if she left, he would bring up her family's mental issues (my brother has an illness which he has sought help for). I can only assume he is implying that he will try to say she is unfit to parent based on her family's mental issues?

Anyway, long story short, his mother calls, saying that her oldest boy is besides himself. She asks her to come home to take care of him and calm him down. Of course, she went home, being worried about him. She (the mother in law) then goes on to lecture her that she needs to stay with her husband because they have 4 children to raise.

We are extremely upset and concerned. He does carry a gun in his car. How can we best help her or point her to help? We don't have a lot of money, while his side does. We've considered moving there to try to help her with the kids, but she is hoping to get out of the state she is in because she hates it there.

By concernedsister


Most Recent Answer

By Lelia Jo Cordell [49]09/12/2011

God bless you for your love and concern for your sister! I spent 15.5 years in a farce of a marriage with a man much like your brother-in-law. Neither his family nor mine had much money, and he had our pastor on his side. He browbeat me into forking over every possible penny, he even got insurance settlement money out of me that was rightfully our children's. I had nowhere to turn. My children and I all regularly went hungry or lived on Ramen noodles and hot dogs. I looked like a scarecrow; my children looked, literally, like concentration-camp inmates. (I mean no offense to my Jewish TF family, but that's really how bad we looked.) Like you, all my family was at least two hours' drive from where we lived.

I sought God for the answer, and then for a way out. It took awhile, but it came and when it did, I never looked back. Of course my children went with me. We found shelter with a strong protector who is now my husband, although we'd begun as only friends. My mother gladly paid for my initial divorce filing fee. Like your sister, I got threatened with losing custody. That turned out to be a bluff. It was obvious my ex was the unfit parent. We never had joint accounts, so he couldn't freeze my assets.

Now I have a sister in a pretty bad situation with a husband who bullies her. Like you, I wish I could just step in and rescue her. However, I know from experience it's rarely simple. Please be patient with your sister, and keep her in your prayers. Perhaps, like me, she's also praying for God's will and help. She'll let you know when she's ready. My prayers go with you and her, and those precious children.

Question: Advice for Dealing With a Verbally Abusive Spouse

I have been married to my husband for 25 years. We started out rocky and it only got worse. By the end of the first year, he was staying out all night, drinking, and coming home and getting a couple of hours of sleep before he had to be at his post (U.S. Navy). He threatened me many times that if I gained weight, he would divorce me. One time, he didn't like what I said and he punched me in the arm. That is the only time that he has hit me.

Three years after we were married, we went through divorce court, after he had called me from Australia and told me that he never wanted to see me again. Before the divorce was final he had begged his way back in and we were together for 5 more years, before he took an unaccompanied tour. There he got into trouble and was dismissed from the military. I wanted a divorce then, but he seemed to have learned a valuable lesson and I felt that our children needed their dad around.

Over the years he has gone through the usual cycle of calmness and then the verbal and emotional abuse, even to our grown daughters. Since our last move to San Antonio, he has gotten worse. It is almost to the verbal level it was when we first got married. My oldest daughter says that he acts like he owns everyone. My daughters are so angry with him, but they do not want their parents to split. I am at my whits end and I really just need the peace now. I'm not sure how or what to do. Is there any advice that can be offered?

By Lana R.


Most Recent Answer

By elisabetholson11/07/2013

I know it is hard, but the only way out is to leave him. My husband has cheated on me, called me names constantly, hit and told me " if you think this is abuse if haven't seen nothing honey." For nineteen and a half years I lived with him and I thought that he would change. But, it did not happened.

His parents won't talk to me or my children and I do not know the reason, I think they blame me for their son's behavior. When our first child was born he did not allow me to put my family name on her birth certificate, so I did not ask when I had our two other children. We are not together anymore, it has been eleven days today 11/07/13 that I have been free from a controlling husband and it feels great. I feel light, and happy!

Question: Dealing With An Abusive Husband

I need some advice. My marriage of 17 years is falling apart. I cannot afford to live on my own yet. In May of 2006 I will graduate with my BA in social work and should be able to live alone.

Everything is fine until my husband drinks 6 to 10 beers in an hour-he fusses until I start to fight with him - then he blames me for the fight. He knows I will not back down from a fight - he will not stop his nightly drinking. I have to be with him unitl I graduate, do you have any suggestions for me?

I have a small savings account in my daughter's name. I cannot lock myself away because I am afirad he will knock down the door. He is not threat to my daughter. She lives with her father.

He is not prone to violence. He knows I have a temper and might act out. I think he enjoys making me angry. I just need to get through the next year without anymore emotiional scars.

Leconte


Most Recent Answer

By Joan [13]11/06/2009

Cindy if you do divorce your disabled husband and he is getting a good sized disability check, he might be able to go after you for support, but that doesn't mean a judge will grant it. Myself, as long as he can live off what he draws in disability I don't know how he could get support from you. I know many people on disability who are able to work part time jobs. At my local WalMart there are a couple people in wheel chairs that do greeting. I also know many people on disability who manage to live decently off $600-700 a month disability checks. They get food stamps and housing assistance, but sometimes that is a necessity.

Solutions: Dealing With a Verbally Abusive Spouse

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