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Dealing With a Verbally Abusive Spouse

Verbal abuse can be very damaging in a relationship. This is a guide about dealing with a verbally abusive spouse.

Verbally Abusive Spouse
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April 26, 2015 Flag
1 found this helpful

I am 31 with 5 kids. The oldest is 14 and the youngest is 4. I have been with my husband for 17 years and married for 3. When my oldest son was little my husband used to hit me and call me a lot of names and I left and went to a domestic violence shelter, but because of his mom we got back. He has not hit me since, but he says he is going to. He also calls me really bad names to the kids.

He has not worked in almost 8 years. I work at a restaurant 38 to 45 hours per week to support everyone. He tells the kids we are getting a divorce and that I don't want to spend time with them and that's why I work so much. When I question him about it he says the kids are lying. He makes fun of the way our 13 year old daughter eats and tells my oldest son he will "hurt him bad" if he is too rough with our 4 year old.

He isn't my oldest son's biological dad, but has raised him. Now that my son is a teenager he wants to meet his real dad and my husband tells him if that's how he feels don't ask him for nothing and he refuses to do anything with him. My husband thinks I should pay him for babysitting our kids while I'm at work.

All my family lives in other states except for my mom who is staying with me right now, until he gets mad at her and kicks her out. I should include that before we got married I left with the kids and moved to Arkansas and he followed. His mom keeps telling me I can never leave him again cause if I do he will kill himself and he tells the kids he doesn't care if he dies.

I don't love him and want a divorce, but he keeps saying he knows more people than I do and if he can't have the kids he will make sure I don't have them either. I know I should leave, but don't know how to go about it. We live in low income housing and I can barely make the rent and other bills because he makes syure that all my checks are gone the day I get it.

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May 2, 20150 found this helpful

Just want to point out something-

There is a lot of well-meaning advice here. Some people are saying call Child Protective Services. But if you do that before you leave the house, it will just be your word against his. Your husband may tell them you are lying and you are the one with the real problem. His mother may back up his story. If they don't know who is telling the truth they may take the kids away from you until they can get it sorted out.

Ask anybody who has had it happen. Once the kids are in the system it can be a really long time before you get them back.

I would not suggest getting CPS involved until you are well away from him, and then only if really necessary. Work with a domestic violence group or some other group instead. Once you get CPS involved you are in the system literally forever, for good or ill.

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May 4, 20151 found this helpful

I don't want to totally terrify you, but I do want to emphasize that you must leave, or get your husband removed from the house as soon as possible. I don't exactly know the best way to go about this, but I would start with a woman's shelter. Since you are the one who is working, you might also start with a lawyer &/or the police. You know this is what you should do. Just do it. It will not be easy,but it will be the best thing you do. In my small hometown, we have just had an abusive common law husband kill his wife, her three children by her first husband, and then he took their 6th month old baby to his parent's home, and shortly thereafter, killed himself. Before he took his own life, he took photos of the mom and the three little kids and sent those photos to the biological dad. Over and over on Facebook, this poor young man has posted messages to women and kids to leave abusive homes. It is the only way he is able to cope with the death of his 3 small children. Please, for the sake of this man, and his murdered ex-wife and children, leave this abusive man before anything more terrible happens to you or your children.

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March 13, 2010 Flag
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I'm a 27 year old, stay at home mom. I have three young girls that I love very much. I spend all day, everyday cleaning and taking care of my kids, but I also have a husband that can act like a child himself.


He has a good paying job and with it he also has control issues. My husband is not the sensitive type, he does not like it when I express my opinion, if he does not agree. If I am upset about something it usually starts a fight where I get called some pretty horrible things.

I'm not a bad person. I have tried for a very long time to make this work and keep my mouth closed, but it's so hard to not stand up for myself. Yet when I do he turns my phone off. He once even broke my finger trying to get keys out of my hand. I know I should leave, but that's just not a option right now with having nowhere to go. I don't want to be anyone's burden.

By Melissa from Phoenix, AZ

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November 11, 20110 found this helpful

I have been married for 11 years now. I have a very sweet daughter who just turned 8 this year. My husband got blind 7 years ago. He's very responsible and even now that his blind he is still our breadwinner. He's a very good father, solid provider and very helpful to others. He is generally a good person.

I am not really sure if he's alcoholic since he can seem to stop drinking whenever he wants. He says that he only choose to drink every night until early morning (with friends at our place) because he has nothing else to do. Being blind he has very limited activity options. I also observed that when he doesn't drink he could barely sleep so he just keeps working until he falls asleep on his chair.

Though, he is generally very kind to other people including to our daughter he's treatment to me is very different. Whenever he is upset or if I fail to do tasks that he asked me to do he would call me names like "stupid, idiot, good for nothing bitch" and would even include my very supportive family with the insults. He would even say that whenever we fight he gets so fucking frustrated that he would imagine killing me over and over again.

I would always plead him to stop but he just keeps going with the insults. Everyday he tells me that I am nothing without him. One time I got really fed up and decided to talk back which caused him to hit me and even spit in face. He wanted us to separate after. I had bruises under my chin and on my arm. Despite of that I still couldn't leave him and even pleaded to reconcile.

We got back together and he still do the insults. I believe the reason why I still chose to stay is because after we fight and whenever I cry because of the insults he would apologize. He even admits that he is verbally abusive. Last night after he insulted me he cried and apologized and said that he knows that I'd been suffering long enough with how he treats me and even promised to do his best to stop all the verbal abuse and love me the way a good wife deserves to be loved.

I love my husband so much. I always tell him to remember that his not the only one who got blind when he did - I also got blind - my better half did.

Sometimes when I's so down and depressed with how he treats me I would ask God to just take all the love that I feel for him so I can finally have the strength to leave and stop my heart from hurting.

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March 3, 20120 found this helpful

First, let me say I am concerned, not just for you; but for your daughters as well. I'm not just a survivor of this type of situation, I am now thriving as is my daughter.

Second, if you choose to do research online on a home computer. Please, each night do a clearing of history, if he has any computer smarts, he can find that history. While you are living with him, it's important for you to be as safe as possible.

Third, you say you have no where to go. I thought that too. Take that leap of faith, know there are people and agencies in your local which can help. The prior posts have given you some resources.

Fourth, if you can't leave for yourself, do for your daughters. No matter what they say now, this can and will affect how they live their lives, it may also affect the type of men they eventually link up with. So you have 3 reasons to leave, your safety, your children's safety and future, and your own self worth. You are down right now, since you say you can't leave, just know it's possible and you can get through possibilities to certainties.

Fifth, get all your important documents (birth certificates, marriage license, school records etc) together in an outside hiding place. If need be, make copies and leave them in place of the originals so he doesn't suspect. Do plastic bags, backpacks or anything else (which you can store with out getting wet) also if possible grab a change of clothes and medications, medical histories or other important papers, for you and each daughter; make sure the hiding place is somewhere that you can get to easily.

It's never easy to make that first step when you are where you are. You've made a big one posting this on here. Now begin to take steps to make you safe as well as your daughters. Show your daughters how strong their mother really is. You can do it. You can survive to thrive. Most importantly, as others have said, leave as soon as possible. The danger is extreme from what you've posted. Do not let your daughters know what you are doing until the time you leave. Again, you can do this.

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February 23, 2014 Flag
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Yesterday my husband and I got into an argument because my son left the lights on in his room. When I defended my son he then said that "my marriage was in danger". He always threatens me with divorce and end of the marriage. This has been going on for about 8 years now and slowly I don't care anymore.

I get a knot in my stomach when I come from a friend's house and have to go home. My son feels the same way. We feel as if we have to walk on egg shells. As I said, I don't care anymore, financially I am dependent on him. What do you think my action should be?

By Corrie V.

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February 24, 20140 found this helpful
Best Answer

No one should have to live "as if they are walking on eggshells". Leaving isn't easy, but it can be done. Find out about shelters in your area; perhaps you have family that would help out financially. Taking your son out of this toxic environment is the best thing you could for him; and he is old enough to be a moral support for you.Start making plans to leave. You will be surprised how empowering it is to take action.

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February 25, 20140 found this helpful

You are right to recognize this relationship does not have a future. It is very hard to rebuild trust when you have been abused. Can you begin looking for a job? That would give you some stability while you reinvent your life. I congratulate you for facing a tough situation head on. You are a good role model for your son. Being less than honest about a bad relationship can leave kids very confused. Best of luck to you both.

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January 9, 2012 Flag
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I am in this position right now that is horrible and very sad. I am 26 years old with one two year old and am a stay home mom, as well. My husband is a nice guy, but when we disagree on a topic, it is just not a pretty picture. It is also a problem even that I have questions to ask. It can never be about anything that I have a doubt about or, "hey what time you did you leave work?", because he gets mad. Then the insults start right away. He expects me to either answer my own questions and keep my mouth shut or as soon as he says the answer to just leave it alone there and that's it.

I have literally broken in pieces and cried my lungs out so many times because I don't know how to deal with his insults. All I get from him is, "You cry because you want to; you're like this because you made this argument; you see the things you do; you can never keep your mouth shut; or you always have to be bitching about everything." This makes me feel even worse.

How would I make myself feel this way? If he could only argue without insults. If he could only tell me things without getting mad right away. This has totally confused me. I don't understand how he can say he loves me, but still talk to me like that and call me all kinds of names.

I am sure I can't stay here. I know this is not healthy and even worse for my baby that hears everything. I just don't find the guts to leave. I feel that leaving would be the only way for him to be happy and not have a bitch like he says living with him since everything is my fault. I sometimes do think is my fault, but I should know better not to feel or think this way, but is too hard.

I just wish I had learned a way to control, to block all the bad he has to say and eventually he will learn to not talk to me that way. We have recently started seeing a therapist, but it's really hard to explain our full arguments in just one hour. I feel as if he is not even working at a solution. He doesn't seem to care to try what she said. Even though he had promised to stop talking to me that way he hasn't at all and it happens every time. What should I do about this ? I know I love this guy so much, but it hurts to be here.

By Jess

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February 3, 20120 found this helpful

Seriously consider calling a abused women hot line (Of course when he is not around). They can really help. This is one small step that could change you and your child's life. Phone numbers are in the book, look them up on line or call information. Best wishes.

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December 25, 20130 found this helpful

I feel your pain I'm in the same boat. but I'm 41 he is 28. I work to hold down everything.

he does nothing no job claims he can't find one. but keeps my 5 year old daughter. He calls me names, had choked me unconscious several times. The physical has pretty much stopped, but the verbally abuse is harsh. I just don't see why I stay. I'm very attractive, hardworking, yet I keep allowing this. It's so hard to leave. I say it's because I love him. I had so much going for me before. now I've lost so much. I don't know why I stay. Some people say they stay for money. sex. etc. It's different, not any of that. So I do feel your pain every moment. I only can pray that God one day will give me the strength to get out. I will pray for both of us.

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December 12, 2014 Flag
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I have been married for 25 years. Three months into our marriage my husband accused me of cheating on him, that never happened. Then he would say little things while we were out at footballs games, the mall, etc. like "Are you looking for your boyfriend?" On the night of my mother's wake I was asked if I was "doing" a co worker. He would call me crazy and stupid, several times a week. During the last three years he has mellowed out, but, I will mention I confronted him about texting another woman. Is this abuse, to be honest I really don't know, my counselor says it is.

By not for sure

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December 12, 20140 found this helpful
Best Answer

This is called verbal abuse. Your therapist is right.

"Verbal abuse is the consistent demeaning of another. It may in fact take the form of angry outbursts. On the other hand it may take the form of cold, calculating, consistent put-downs. It may even take the form of disparaging humor.

The key to verbal abuse is the word demeaning. And the abuser may be a man or a woman."

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February 21, 20150 found this helpful

If a partner is untrusting for no good reason, it is because he is not trustworthy, he is projecting his guilt onto you. Stand up to him, and life is too short to spend it with someone who does not appreciate you, trust you, or make you happy!

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January 2, 2012 Flag
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I have been married for one year and I have a son, not by him. I have moved into my husband's house with his son and daughter. It started three weeks after we got married. He just starts yelling at me if he does not like what I ask him.

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March 1, 2012 Flag
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How can a stay at home mom of 3 kids leave an abusive husband that won't give her any money? I have been married for 15 years and have been a stay home mom since our first of 3 kids was born. It has always been hard because I had no help.

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