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Dealing With a Verbally Abusive Spouse

Verbal abuse can be very damaging in a relationship. This is a guide about dealing with a verbally abusive spouse.

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Verbally Abusive Spouse
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April 26, 2015 Flag
1 found this helpful

I am 31 with 5 kids. The oldest is 14 and the youngest is 4. I have been with my husband for 17 years and married for 3. When my oldest son was little my husband used to hit me and call me a lot of names and I left and went to a domestic violence shelter, but because of his mom we got back. He has not hit me since, but he says he is going to. He also calls me really bad names to the kids.

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He has not worked in almost 8 years. I work at a restaurant 38 to 45 hours per week to support everyone. He tells the kids we are getting a divorce and that I don't want to spend time with them and that's why I work so much. When I question him about it he says the kids are lying. He makes fun of the way our 13 year old daughter eats and tells my oldest son he will "hurt him bad" if he is too rough with our 4 year old.

He isn't my oldest son's biological dad, but has raised him. Now that my son is a teenager he wants to meet his real dad and my husband tells him if that's how he feels don't ask him for nothing and he refuses to do anything with him. My husband thinks I should pay him for babysitting our kids while I'm at work.

All my family lives in other states except for my mom who is staying with me right now, until he gets mad at her and kicks her out. I should include that before we got married I left with the kids and moved to Arkansas and he followed. His mom keeps telling me I can never leave him again cause if I do he will kill himself and he tells the kids he doesn't care if he dies.

I don't love him and want a divorce, but he keeps saying he knows more people than I do and if he can't have the kids he will make sure I don't have them either. I know I should leave, but don't know how to go about it. We live in low income housing and I can barely make the rent and other bills because he makes syure that all my checks are gone the day I get it.

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    June 28, 20160 found this helpful

    i want to use this opportunity to thank the Great [DR nosa] for helping in bringing my husband back to me, i have been in great pains until the day i contacted [DR nosa] he casted a love spell for me and told me to wait for just 24 hours that my husband will call me and i did according to the instructions given to me by him and surprisingly, in 24 hours, my husband really called me and started apologizing for all he had caused me. I am the happiest Woman on earth today because [DR nosa] has done a wonderful deeds in my life and i will continue to share this testimony, if you would love to contact [DR nosa] and if you know you are encountering same situation, visit him today by contacting him via this email address: drmosaspellcaster@gmail.com

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    March 13, 2010 Flag
    2 found this helpful

    I'm a 27 year old, stay at home mom. I have three young girls that I love very much. I spend all day, everyday cleaning and taking care of my kids, but I also have a husband that can act like a child himself.

    He has a good paying job and with it he also has control issues. My husband is not the sensitive type, he does not like it when I express my opinion, if he does not agree. If I am upset about something it usually starts a fight where I get called some pretty horrible things.

    I'm not a bad person. I have tried for a very long time to make this work and keep my mouth closed, but it's so hard to not stand up for myself. Yet when I do he turns my phone off. He once even broke my finger trying to get keys out of my hand. I know I should leave, but that's just not a option right now with having nowhere to go. I don't want to be anyone's burden.

    By Melissa from Phoenix, AZ

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    March 3, 20120 found this helpful

    First, let me say I am concerned, not just for you; but for your daughters as well. I'm not just a survivor of this type of situation, I am now thriving as is my daughter.

    Second, if you choose to do research online on a home computer. Please, each night do a clearing of history, if he has any computer smarts, he can find that history. While you are living with him, it's important for you to be as safe as possible.

    Third, you say you have no where to go. I thought that too. Take that leap of faith, know there are people and agencies in your local which can help. The prior posts have given you some resources.

    Fourth, if you can't leave for yourself, do for your daughters. No matter what they say now, this can and will affect how they live their lives, it may also affect the type of men they eventually link up with. So you have 3 reasons to leave, your safety, your children's safety and future, and your own self worth. You are down right now, since you say you can't leave, just know it's possible and you can get through possibilities to certainties.

    Fifth, get all your important documents (birth certificates, marriage license, school records etc) together in an outside hiding place. If need be, make copies and leave them in place of the originals so he doesn't suspect. Do plastic bags, backpacks or anything else (which you can store with out getting wet) also if possible grab a change of clothes and medications, medical histories or other important papers, for you and each daughter; make sure the hiding place is somewhere that you can get to easily.

    It's never easy to make that first step when you are where you are. You've made a big one posting this on here. Now begin to take steps to make you safe as well as your daughters. Show your daughters how strong their mother really is. You can do it. You can survive to thrive. Most importantly, as others have said, leave as soon as possible. The danger is extreme from what you've posted. Do not let your daughters know what you are doing until the time you leave. Again, you can do this.

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    February 23, 2014 Flag
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    Yesterday my husband and I got into an argument because my son left the lights on in his room. When I defended my son he then said that "my marriage was in danger". He always threatens me with divorce and end of the marriage. This has been going on for about 8 years now and slowly I don't care anymore.

    I get a knot in my stomach when I come from a friend's house and have to go home. My son feels the same way. We feel as if we have to walk on egg shells. As I said, I don't care anymore, financially I am dependent on him. What do you think my action should be?

    By Corrie V.

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    February 24, 20140 found this helpful
    Best Answer

    No one should have to live "as if they are walking on eggshells". Leaving isn't easy, but it can be done. Find out about shelters in your area; perhaps you have family that would help out financially. Taking your son out of this toxic environment is the best thing you could for him; and he is old enough to be a moral support for you.Start making plans to leave. You will be surprised how empowering it is to take action.

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    January 9, 2012 Flag
    1 found this helpful

    I am in this position right now that is horrible and very sad. I am 26 years old with one two year old and am a stay home mom, as well. My husband is a nice guy, but when we disagree on a topic, it is just not a pretty picture. It is also a problem even that I have questions to ask. It can never be about anything that I have a doubt about or, "hey what time you did you leave work?", because he gets mad. Then the insults start right away. He expects me to either answer my own questions and keep my mouth shut or as soon as he says the answer to just leave it alone there and that's it.

    I have literally broken in pieces and cried my lungs out so many times because I don't know how to deal with his insults. All I get from him is, "You cry because you want to; you're like this because you made this argument; you see the things you do; you can never keep your mouth shut; or you always have to be bitching about everything." This makes me feel even worse.

    How would I make myself feel this way? If he could only argue without insults. If he could only tell me things without getting mad right away. This has totally confused me. I don't understand how he can say he loves me, but still talk to me like that and call me all kinds of names.

    I am sure I can't stay here. I know this is not healthy and even worse for my baby that hears everything. I just don't find the guts to leave. I feel that leaving would be the only way for him to be happy and not have a bitch like he says living with him since everything is my fault. I sometimes do think is my fault, but I should know better not to feel or think this way, but is too hard.

    I just wish I had learned a way to control, to block all the bad he has to say and eventually he will learn to not talk to me that way. We have recently started seeing a therapist, but it's really hard to explain our full arguments in just one hour. I feel as if he is not even working at a solution. He doesn't seem to care to try what she said. Even though he had promised to stop talking to me that way he hasn't at all and it happens every time. What should I do about this ? I know I love this guy so much, but it hurts to be here.

    By Jess

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    December 25, 20130 found this helpful

    I feel your pain I'm in the same boat. but I'm 41 he is 28. I work to hold down everything.

    he does nothing no job claims he can't find one. but keeps my 5 year old daughter. He calls me names, had choked me unconscious several times. The physical has pretty much stopped, but the verbally abuse is harsh. I just don't see why I stay. I'm very attractive, hardworking, yet I keep allowing this. It's so hard to leave. I say it's because I love him. I had so much going for me before. now I've lost so much. I don't know why I stay. Some people say they stay for money. sex. etc. It's different, not any of that. So I do feel your pain every moment. I only can pray that God one day will give me the strength to get out. I will pray for both of us.

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    December 12, 2014 Flag
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    I have been married for 25 years. Three months into our marriage my husband accused me of cheating on him, that never happened. Then he would say little things while we were out at footballs games, the mall, etc. like "Are you looking for your boyfriend?" On the night of my mother's wake I was asked if I was "doing" a co worker. He would call me crazy and stupid, several times a week. During the last three years he has mellowed out, but, I will mention I confronted him about texting another woman. Is this abuse, to be honest I really don't know, my counselor says it is.

    By not for sure

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    December 12, 20140 found this helpful
    Best Answer

    This is called verbal abuse. Your therapist is right.

    "Verbal abuse is the consistent demeaning of another. It may in fact take the form of angry outbursts. On the other hand it may take the form of cold, calculating, consistent put-downs. It may even take the form of disparaging humor.

    The key to verbal abuse is the word demeaning. And the abuser may be a man or a woman."

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    January 2, 2012 Flag
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    I have been married for one year and I have a son, not by him. I have moved into my husband's house with his son and daughter. It started three weeks after we got married. He just starts yelling at me if he does not like what I ask him. He has gotten in my face and chased me into the bathroom and raised his hand to me, but did not hit me.

    Whatever the kids do, I am wrong and they are right. His son who is 21, wrote me a note and called me a dumb ass in the note. His son told his dad to divorce me. His son and my son had a fight with words and ever since then his son won't have anything to do with my son or me. I don't know what to do? I do not want to be treated like this, when he is nice he is really nice, but when he is mean I can not take it.

    By Ann

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    January 9, 20120 found this helpful
    Best Answer

    Avoid further attachment to this complicated Dr. Jekyl and Dr. Hyde syndrome this man has formed. Get out quickly and don't let on you're leaving. Verbal abuse can lead into hitting on you and your son too especially if he tries to defend you. You can raise your son on your own without his help and being subjected to this type of abuse long term is damaging. He's good at what he's doing and is playing on your emotions and his son is doing the same with you and your son.

    It's a copycat syndrome; both of you leave. As far as feeling sorry for that man's son, he does need help from his father's damaging behavior toward his wife. Let the law take care of that, but don't you stay in this mess. It's only going to tear you down and you won't be much use for you or your son who needs an outlet if you remain involved.

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    August 12, 2015 Flag
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    My life has been a very confusing mess. Since I have known my husband he's been very moody, but accuses me of being very moody. I have always been liked, can hold down a job, I am college educated, and can support myself. One of the biggest pain points in our marriage is that we decided to start a business together. I came up with the name, logo, and helped to land the first major contract. I developed all of the training materials for our staff and was the client liaison. Out of the blue my husband says I am difficult to work with, everyone says I am impossible and that I am not to ever come back. Just like that. I was devastated.

    Since then, we get into little arguments that always start off with me getting aggravated over something silly like him talking to his business partner on a Sunday morning for 30 minutes, and complaining about his ex-wife. When I say that this was annoying, I am accused of having the worst temper in the world, being horribly mean, overreacting, and being completely irrational. Then I get the cold shoulder, he looks off into space, and then when he does talk only refers to me as a child or will whisper because "he doesn't want to fight anymore." I literally feel crazy. Am I? Am I this monster and I don't know it, is that possible?

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      August 14, 20150 found this helpful

      Sounds to me like your husband's mood swings are all stemmed from his emotions of how he feels about whatever it is that irritates him about you or your work ethics. He knows what things also bother you and doesn't mind inflicting you by doing them, so he gets a reaction out of you that shows irritation; the same as he feels at the time. Together, you're both doing a "dance" and you need to stop this repetitional pattern by recognizing it when it happens and then deterring its progress by changing your response. This will throw him off and each time he goes into his sarcastic mood you walk away and go elsewhere and don't be around him even if it means getting outdoors for awhile. If he doesn't have a pair of ears to hear him complain, then you are the better for it as your ears haven't listened and you're not annoyed as much either for having been bored with it. His type of conversation is not stimulating your brain, so go visit a friend or the local library.

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      March 1, 2012 Flag
      1 found this helpful

      How can a stay at home mom of 3 kids leave an abusive husband that won't give her any money? I have been married for 15 years and have been a stay home mom since our first of 3 kids was born. It has always been hard because I had no help.

      He is so controlling I could never get a break since he thought if I had kids with me every second I wouldn't be able to cheat, which is crazy because I have never given reason to think I would. I have been out away from my kids maybe 3 times in 15 years so not much chance I was cheating!

      He was not cruel at least then, as far as saying it's his money, but 2 years ago my parents died. They were my only family so he knew I had nowhere to go and the abuse really started. He gives me not even enough money to buy food. I can't even buy the kids clothes they need so badly because anytime I ask him, he screams he is broke. I am sure he is, since he pays every bill the minute he gets it. By time he pays bills there is only a couple hundred left out of his check which is $1500 a week. I suggest that maybe make a bill could wait and I could buy food or clothes. I usually get choked, but always called a mooch, leach, or sponge and told to go find someone else to support my pathetic a**. He says this in front of our kids.

      So pretty much I am dead inside; I am hardly able to function. I try staying strong for the kids, but it's so hard. I know we all have to go through this every day and have no hope it will be better because everything in his name, including the car. If I try having him lease, which he wouldn't do, I would not have a car or a dime because he makes clear he won't give any money until I figure a way to get a lawyer with no money to pay retainer and get him in court.

      My kids are terrified I will try divorcing him, even though they can't deal with this hell, because he has pounded in their heads if he ever leaves they will be living in a gutter with their mom because she's too pathetic to support them. Sadly I couldn't support them.

      I am desperate to know how can I make him have to pay support from the day he is made to leave; if I am able to get him out? I read a lot where people say go to a friend's or family and I have none of either so it's not an option and the shelters are nowhere near here so I would have to move kids away and take the dog and two cats to a shelter. I have hard time thinking that after the hell they have lived that they should suffer even more rather than the law make him support them?

      By Jodi from Arnold, MO

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      October 4, 20150 found this helpful

      Often times abusive men chose just the woman to abuse and are fine with the kids. If that's the case. leave the kids with a neighbor and get the hell out. He'll have to get them and look after them as we won't want to be reported for being an unfit parent. Let him figure out about day care, clothing, school supplies. There is so much ahead of you, going to the police and filing charges,securing a place to stay, money, filing for custody. You won't be encumbered with the children. and it will be easier to get everything aligned and perhaps even secure a job. He may try to fight you on custody but after they miss work with a sick kid or run out of babysitters they are more than ready to hand them over.

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      September 14, 2013 Flag
      1 found this helpful

      I have been married for 9 months. My husband is often leaving his job. He in the teaching profession. I am also in the teaching profession. I have been working at a university for more than 5 years, but he is not able to stick with a job for more than 6 months. He does not take my words. He often abuses me. He has a male ego and is a male chauvinist. His upbringing is not proper.
      He is not frank in his plans. He does not care for me. He wants sex for 24 hrs and he talks on it rather than our future. He changes for a certain period after discussing my issues, but only for a short period
      My question is, how can he be moulded in career and family life and how to make him avoid his male ego and male chauvenism?
      How to make him understand about married life?

      By Pavithra from Chennai, India

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      September 17, 20130 found this helpful

      You cannot change another person. But you can change how you react to another person.

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      August 13, 2015 Flag
      0 found this helpful

      I have been with my husband for 10 years and married for 8 years. After the kids I got really depressed, but my husband didn't help either. He would always point out how hot these other girls were and how he would have sex with them. Then it got to the point he started to ask me, for years, to add people to our marriage. Not one day went by where I didn't felt helpess and worthless with him. I don't feel like his wife, just a maid or slave to him. I have told him this, at first he didn't understand, but now he is saying he is going to do better, but I don't believe him. It happens so often, over and over again, he wants to work it out, but I'm afraid it's too late. I dont want to do anymore, I'm so confused, any advice?

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        August 20, 20150 found this helpful

        I've read the responding posts and agree with all that has been stated. A marriage is between one man and one woman; not a third party or more. That should tell you the state of his mind and what he's dwelling on. He's mentally left and secondly, he's ready to step out on it. You can't change his mind, but you can yours. Get ready to do the stepping out and make a new life for yourself and any children still at home. You'll be doing yourself a big favor. If you stay and you continue to see things grow worse, you'll have more self worth to have to repair later and that takes time to get yourself to that "wholeness" again. The old saying which is true, "You can see things better when you're on the outside looking in", so step away from the picture even if it's for a short term period. Do this as an opportunity to get that better picture and clear head to know the next step best to take.

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        December 8, 2014 Flag
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        I have been married for 7 years. He has always been abusive. I have had 2 trips to the hospital, and 1 broken finger while he was trying to take my keys. He finally stopped the physical abuse, but started mentally abusing me.

        I finally got the courage to take our 2 kids, move out and file for divorce. A month into our divorce he talked me into staying all night with him, and things where great for a couple weeks. Then he slowly started screaming at me again and calling me babes in front of our kids. So I left again. Now he's texting and calling; saying he's sorry it won't happen again. Do you think people ever really change?

        By Needhelp

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        December 13, 20140 found this helpful

        Do abusers change? Not likely. Leave him, and count your blessings. You have put up with enough.

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        June 7, 2015 Flag
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        I have been with this man for 14 yrs, When he gets angry he's really mean and calls me all kind of names. He has hit me before. We have got 2 boys 15 & 7. He hasn't hit me in a while, but always threatens me that he is gonna hit me.

        Last night he asked me about my job. I work 10 hrs a day. He's disabled and stays at home and sleeps all day. Most of the time my oldest takes more care of my youngest than he does. I'm an account manager at a rent to own furniture store and one of the guys used to help me when I had to pick merchandise. Yesterday he asked me who was helping now that he left and I told him the manager is. Then he said does mean he's picking up your stuff now? I told him no, he sent the delivery guy. He got so mad because I didn't say the delivery driver helps me too. He thinks I like him and I don't even talk to the guy. He called me all kinds of names, cursed me out and got in my face yelling. His hand was all in front of my face. I told him he needed to move his hand away from my face and he got angrier and started to say if I didn't stop telling him that, he would hit me, saying I was being sneaky and trying to lie because I like the guy.

        I tried to talk to him again today, no luck. There were more insults and name calling. It was so loud that my kids could hear everything. I don't know what to do any more. I feel so sad, I cry all night and when I think about it I want to cry more. I'm so tired and unhappy. He always tells me it is my fault because I don't know how to communicate or have conversations and that's why he gets so angry. He doesn't have patience for stupidity. He says it is my fault because I didn't tell him that my manager was helping me by sending the delivery guy to pickup my merchandise? Instead I told him my manager was helping me?

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          June 9, 20150 found this helpful

          I read your post and my heart goes out to you on this because I have been there and put up with that for years [I did 'it' by staying for the children is what I always said to myself]... after several years of the mental, physical and verbal abuse from him I got out and you should too. I feel so much stronger and better about myself then I have in years. My husband was jealous also BUT jealously is a weakness in ones self... what is he so insecure about?

          I agree you need to get yourself and your boys out of there and as fast as you can... your children are suffering from this too so if you do not want to save yourself SAVE your children.

          You're in my prayers... best wishes and keep us all posted on what happens to you honey.

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