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Ending an Abusive Relationship?

I have been in a relationship for 11 years. It just ended. He was not always very nice to me. He slapped me and tried to choke me once and he went to jail. When he came back he didn't touch me with his hands again. He was very verbally abusive. Telling me I was lazy. I'm a very horrible person. Then why did he love me? He said he did.

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He couldn't keep a job because of drinking. I supported him most of the time. He finally got sober, got a great job, and was nice to me again. Recently he started drinking again. The verbal abuse back big time. He was awful. I told him he doesn't get to treat me that way. He has money now so he up and left. My question is what is wrong with me that makes me miss him and think I still love him? I am not a bad person.

By Jill

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July 24, 20130 found this helpful
Best Answer

Relationships can be physically addicting, the feelings, the habits, the responses. This can result in withdrawal at the end of the relationship. I would go get some antidepressants, lexapro is great, and also some counseling. It will help you be more the you that you want to be. I will pray for your situation. Recovery and 12 step programs always start with the idea that you cannot do things alone.

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Don't think about what you do wrong, in your own opinion, think about what you want your life to look like. A person does not have to have another person in their life to be fulfilled.

Also you are a strong person to have gotten thru this at all. Blessings

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July 24, 20130 found this helpful
Best Answer

Sarcastic, unsupportive & harmful disrespectful words have hurt you. You deserve a much better relationship. Make a personal vow to yourself that you will make a better different life for yourself. You need the love & grace of Jesus to help with your negative effects from this ending relationship. You are fragile and breakable. It's good that he has left. You need to deal with your own hopeful future. God hears, God understands and is not stingy with hope.

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God's love can provides a safe place for your pain. Don't let another person steal your joy and hope. God heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds (Psalm 147:3). Do not cling to a hope of a bad relationship that will get you knocked down. You are of far greater importance that deserves a kinder future. Jesus is your answer. Seek Him now.

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July 24, 20130 found this helpful

Ahhh...this reminds me of my own abusive marriage. Seems we women do well at "taking care of others" in a relationship, although we fail to take care of ourselves. Real love means being accountable, first for ourselves and to ourselves, and it also means allowing others to be accountable for their own actions. In other words, while you say you "love" your partner, you also support his abusiveness by allowing him to repeat it.

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Sometimes, for me, putting up with the sporadic verbal and physical abuse was less threatening than dealing with all the implications of removing myself from the situation. The work of "getting out" takes a great deal of energy; when we are already feeling low and worthless, it is challenging to find the energy to make needed changes.

Perhaps, you do not so much need to "end" the relationship, but allow the process of "relationship ending" to unfold and proceed. That means, you notice your feelings of missing the good times, the distractions that abuse allows, the fears of standing on your own, the resistance to letting him take his energy elsewhere, and you notice how much you want to engage, again, in the cycle of violence, then, you do the really hard work of growing into the responsible adult you really want to be. You call on supportive friends, get to a 12-step group, find a good therapist (there are affordable options), and let the pull to go back to him be the all-important signal that it is time to take care of your own spirit, body, journey.

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You are not alone in this, nor are you unique. Millions of women are struggling in abusive relationships. It takes courage and a willingness to be honest and responsible to transition out; millions of women are in the process of doing that, as we speak. You can do it...you can do it.

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Better Living Self Help Domestic ViolenceJuly 22, 2013
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