Leaving an Abusive Husband

I have been married 11 years (together 15) and have two boys, 17 and 7. My husband is mentally, verbally, and emotionally abusive to me and my boys. He has always been this way, but lately he is out of control. He manages and controls everything from the money to video games.

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Today was the last straw as be kicked my son out of the house for playing a video game. My boy, tired of his abuse, told him off and rightly so, but my husband threatened to beat him up and he said if he did not leave there would be a tragedy. He said this as he opened his gun cabinet.

My son left and he is staying with his friend and his parents up the street. They are such good and kind people and, at least, he is safe. My son is a wonderful child, honor student, talented musician and singer and no drugs or smoking or problems. He rarely leaves the house unless it's school or the occasional friends get together.

I want to stay here because my son wants to finish high school at his school and I need to be near him. I think after he graduates we can just live together when he goes to college.

My family lives far away and they know nothing of this as I am so ashamed. I do not drive and don't have a penny on me because my husband does not allow it. He says it's because I spend it that he refuses to give me money. I live in the mountains so around here I cannot get around too much as there are no buses or taxicabs. I am very limited and I feel stuck. My self esteem is trash, I am ashamed, scared and I feel paralyzed.

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I don't really know anyone around here; at least not to confide in them and ask them for help. I don't know what to do, but I know I want out of this hell hole. If anyone has a suggestion or a connection or anything that can help or guide me, please help me. I live in Netcong, New Jersey. Thank you all so much and God bless you!

By MonaB

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August 1, 20130 found this helpful
Best Answer

From what you describe, your best bet would be to ask your family to come and get you and the boys, while your husband is at work. At this time, your main consideration has to be to get the boys and yourself to safety. Your oldest son will probably thrive more, in a location where he doesn't have to worry about his Dad flying off the handle. Also on your way out of town make sure you get some kind of restraining order against your husband, providing you are serious about leaving.

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August 2, 20130 found this helpful
Best Answer

If you ask your family to come and get you. I would ask them to take you to somebody they know can keep you safe and someone your bully doesn't know. Your family's place is the very first place he will look for you. Don't be there. In the meantime, when you use the internet, delete all history.

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Do not keep telephone numbers of people that are helping you in any book or piece of paper he can find. Memorize those numbers if you can. He cannot find them if they're stored in your memory and not wrote down. If you or your sons will carry any money, do not use debit or credit cards, use only cash. Do your very best not to leave a paper trail for him.

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August 3, 20130 found this helpful
Best Answer

I grew up in a home like you described. My mother chose to stay. From a child's point of view you are not doing them any favors. Living in violence will cause them more harm than I can list hear. I do hope you walk away. Because it is not healthy for you, either. Opening a gun cabinet when he us angry? Run, girl, run. I certainly wish my mother would of.

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August 2, 20130 found this helpful

Hello, as time as passed since you posted this message, I do not know how your situation is now. I will comment on your message, if that's ok. I feel your pain, I was a daughter of an abusive father, who was exactly like this horrible man in your life. You never forget what they did, you come to terms with it, but its always lingers on.

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If your son has now finished school, leave. I hope there are womens aid/refuge places you can go to, you must go and take your children. You say your son stays with a family up the road, they will know what is going on, a child doesn't leave their family for no reason. Can they help you? You have access to the internet, research your area and see what is available in your area or better still, out of area. Don't forget to delete your history.

The longer your stay, the more damaged you and your children will become. Children pick up on messages within a family and I am sure you do not want them to grow up thinking this is normal behaviour, and then go on to repeat it.

It will be very, very hard for the first couple of years and then life will become easier. It's taking that first step and take it you must do. I wish you strength, health and above all courage, this is a long and lonely road you are about to travel on but in time, it will be worth it. I am thinking of you.

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August 2, 20130 found this helpful

Have you ever called the police? When he gets violent, make sure to call the police! Then when they ask if you wanna press charges against him say yes! He will stay in prison for a while and that will back up the restraining order you file as suggested.

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You may also contact your local shelters. ...btw, why don't you confide in the family your son's staying with, they must already know something anyway. You need someone to help you get out of there!

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August 5, 20130 found this helpful

Call the police and they should be able to refer you to help. It is important that you get out now! Your sons are learning this is how to treat women. You are not trash, worthless - he is and he wants you to be less than him. You have nothing to be ashamed of; he is the problem, not you.

Call your family. Keep calling -churches, various social service agencies until you find someone who can help you. But you need to get out of there, and take your sons with you. It will be difficult, very difficult when you leave. But abuse always gets worse and more and more dangerous. Your sons need you alive. Good luck.

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